Well, always being nice to her and tiptoeing around the mini-wife doesn't solve anything. I tried that and it only got worse. I had to take matters into my own hands. Yes, I told DH that my SD12 (10 at the time) was a mini-wife, but most of what has gotten it under control is what I have done to defend my position as Queen of my home.

I would just agree with her. If you don't give into her baiting you then she'll stop. I would tell her, "of course daddy would choose you over me, that's why I love him and makes him a great dad." Hopefully she'll go back to whoever is feeding her this and repeat what you said.

i just let two sds get into catfights. they are rivals and constantly take comments to each other from jobs to boyfreinds.

Yuck.

Sd7 went through a stage of "who do you love more" and I squashed it immediately. I explained that love is not a contest. We have enough love in us to love everyone around us and still have more left over.

I think it is healthy to reinforce those ideas to kids. Yes, I love you. I don't need to love you less to love someone else.

My SD used to try to play these kind of games too! When she came over she would try to control what would happen. I usually already had plans for the weekend and she would pout and try to get her way. We do some things she likes too. But it was like a power play to see who is in control, guess what I won. I am the adult and I will be respected, I'm not taking anymore of her BS.

Actually it seems like me and my husband laid down the law and it got better, because she knows she can't manipulate us anymore. She has learned how to do that from her mother, but hey that doesn't work here kid! lol! So I am happier then I used to be. I'm not letting some kid and her messed up mother ruin my 9 year relationship with her father! Hey someday she will probably go off to college, which is great for her. I will always be his wife and she will always be his daughter! Then we can visit her and vice versa. That will be nice since I won't have to see her evil mother anymore! (I hope!)

Reality is...He CHOSE you...he did not choose her...she was a gift to him from heaven...no matter what she will always be his daughter...
and thank goodness He will never be in that position where he will have to choose one of you...He has you both...yes, she is his daughter BUT You are his wife...and whether they like it or not...we, as the wives sit in a position of authority that the children no matter whether they are bio or step or adopted or bastards...our level of authority far outranks them and always will...

So not to get a position of love mixed up with the position of authority we already have...It is not granted to us by anyone else other than our maker...Not even our husbands...nor does their children's acceptance of it or their dislike for the idea have any relevance or effect on the validity of the seat we sit in as a partner in marriage... We hold a sacred contract that is FIRST AND FOREMOST the priority of our marriage relationships.

Who got here first is irrelevant...how they feel about it is irrelevant...It is a covenant vow that outweighs anything else any other relationship on this planet...The two become one...so...don't let an 8 year old rattle your cage...know who you are...know your position...be wise when choosing what battles to fight...as long as your husband gets it...and you get it...the rest is not even up for discussion...nor is it debatable...just an awful lot of step kids out there in confusion over the way God intended for the family structure to function...

If the husbands would help to clarify this in the beginning..I think there would be a lot less step kids walking around in a delusional state when it comes to the entitlement thing, and their identity and position in the family structure...too many of them have been conditioned to believe by overcompensating bio parents...that they are at the top of the food chain..

Ask her that if both of you were drowning and he could only save one (kids love this sort of dilemma) who would he save? She'll say "ME" of course. Tell her that he would save you because a grown woman can always have more children but a kid is just a kid.

She'll be traumatized for two years.

Time to give SD-8 some clarity.

"Well, he did not choose you. He did not know what he was going to get when he and your mom had you. He chose me to spend the rest of his life with. So, while you are child he and I will choose to care for you but once you are an adult you are on your own and your dad and I will move on with our lives together."

Of something like that.

As she gets older and if she gets more toxic and entitled you can throw this sentence in to the message right after the first sentence. "He and your mom made a mistake and you are the result."

As for happiness in your marriage. IMHO if you have no expectations for your marriage and of your husband and tolerate the status quo of unhappiness then you get what you are getting. Change something. Do not let the "Mini wife", "manipulating MIL", "Kids wife live comparison" go unaddressed. Sit DH down, express your feelings and concerns in an adult manner then tell him that you have every expectation and requirement that the two of you will address these issues as husband and wife beginning immediately and continuing for the rest of your marriage if the issues arise again in the future.

If you do not take that step then the situation is entirely on you.

IMHO of course.

Act, don't wait.

"I don't discipline her at all. I think I am completely disengaged. But even cooking for her, picking her up from school, spending any amount of time with her makes me feel resentful." This is a key issue in my view.
About 10 years ago or more I went to participate in research by someone who was doing a study on SMs and we had a brainstorm around all the issues in our lives in a whole day workshop. At the end of the workshop I was appalled to find that I appeared to be the most unhappy and alienated one in the group, with the nastiest BM etc etc. We were all trying to be blended families though no-one used that terminology. I tried to think why I was out on a limb and one of the differences appeared to be that the other SMs were all participating in disciplining the kids. This was something I'd avoided in principle because I had high-minded ideas about me not being the bioparent therefore not having the authority, etc etc. I now realize that this apparently principled view disguised what was going on underneath, which was that DH was refusing to share his authority with me, and yet I was required to do the work of a BM when the kids were with us (which was admittedly only once or twice per month for a few days, and in vacations). In addition, DH was not using his authority properly anyway and was a disney dad. So, I was in a double bind, though I did not realize it at the time, of the type that the book Stepmonster so ably describes. Anyway at the time though I saw the difference I did not act on it and demand authority, I simply thereafter disengaged and gave up on trying in a gradual curve. I don't regret that, but what I do believe is that had I confronted my DH properly with those issues at the time we might be more blended than we are. Therefore he and his kids have lost out.
So, now relating this to your sentence above, I'd put to you that you now need to choose which path to go down. I believe that you can't cook, pick up from school etc without also disciplining; and that if you don't discipline, you don't do the caring either. If you do one but not the other you create a dissonance emotionally which causes you pain, in fact it also causes others pain but they then turn that against you.
You can go for the StepAside/OCC disengaging approach or you can go for the Rags/Dtzy full authority approach but either way, you have to keep these different aspects of parenting or not parenting your skid all singing from the same hymnsheet. Otherwise it all collapses on you.

some great posts (your dh would benefit from reading them) but sd was rude, trying to be hurtful and should be punished for it. if your dh refused to do it, i'd become TRULY disengaged by cutting out the picking sd up, cooking for her or spending any time with her. from your other complaints it sounds like you have a dh that doesn't have a clue as to what marriage is and that is the source of your unhappiness. he needs educated and he either begins understanding or you will definitely be better off without him.

She most certainly has malicious intent! At that age she KNOWS how to manipulate and get her way.

I'd put a stop to that attitude right now!

Your SD needs to understand that her dad can love his wife, and love his daughter, and it is not a contest about who he will choose

IMHO your SD is feeling jealous and insecure about you, and someone is spending time reassuring her that she is # 1 and not to concern herself, you will be discarded if a choice had to be made

My husband's eldest daughter went through this struggle, except she chose to wait until the age of 18 to test the waters

She started off with subtle attitude towards me, then open disrespect, she was testing to see how far she could to. She regularly berated my husband on how unhappy and rotten her life was until she literally reduced him to tears - a hard thing to do

Eventually she decided to really test who DH would chose. She gave him an ultimatum, it was her or it was me. My Dh and I were inlove and planning to marry at that time

My DH finally had a frank discussion with her that shattered all her illusions of power....it took a long time but she finally seems to know where she stands with DH.

I would love to say it all gets better and goes away but it doesn't

My DH's eldest still doesn't fully accept or respect me and DH still for the most part kisses her ass and I for the most part still suck it up No one fully happy and no one fully accepting of the situation. But I will say that my DH's eldest has gotten better in these last few years, she knows there are boundaries now. She still pushes them as much as she thinks she can get away with, but there is only so much DH will put up with, so much I will tolerate, and so much DH's daughter will carry on with

For your SD to say that to you at all tells me she is feeling insecure and needs you to know that she is #1...I hope by reinforcing that your DH loves his wife AND his daughter very much and that there is no competition whatsoever, she can get past it

1. How do I tell him and I feel his daughter is his mini wife?! (Anybody would think I am a jealous crazy witch for even thinking this way.)

Answer: I had problems with that in the beginning. My husband has 4 kids with his first wife. ( 3 girls, 1 boy) The boys the oldest, but the girls 7,4,2 in the beginning the 7 yr old, made it perfectly clear that I was just a step mother. How she has daddy wrapped around her finger. However, regardless how you feel, you are human and you have the right to express your emotions. I was very blunt with my husband, at that time period we were engaged. He understood, kinda in my perspective. He made it clear to his daughter, that mommy and him are not together. I was going to his new wife, regardless of me not being their mother, they needed to treat me with respect because I am the mother figure. At this time, she butts heads with me from time to time, but our daughter relationship is good. I also sat her down to reassure her that I wasn't their to take her moms place. I was their to be the adult she can look up too. If she didn't like it too bad because I wasn't going anywhere. (stood my ground)

2. How do I tell him that his mother butts into my business all the time and make me feel I am an outsider. (He is a mother's boy but he will never admit it.)

answer I have the exact problem. Realizing, my husband wasn't getting anywhere, I went to the problem. What do I have to loose? Stink eyes during family events, sure I can live with that! I made it clear that my husbands and I's business have nothing to do with her unless she was told and allowed an input.

3. Before I got married, my parents told me that the feeling towards a spouse and the feeling towards children are completely different. So the question of "Whom does he love more?" is really just a silly question.

Answer It is true. Their are 2 types of love. You cannot expect a man to choose. But a true Christian man that was taught right regardless of him getting married, is to honor your wife, and children come last. In the beginning, my husband did put his children first. Then when I expressed my feelings, (because men cannot read women, and they are about stupid as can be) he put me first.

I just don't feel happy about this marriage at all. I don't know what exactly makes me unhappy. I just am. I tried to get along with SD8, for the most part, we do get along well and she is a good kid. But I feel sick and tired of walking on egg shell all the time just to keep the family harmony.

answer: I am in the same shoe. However, I love my husband. But I am not happy. I don't have problems, or much problems with his kids. I have problems with my husbands ex-wife. However, I am learning, what is more important in the marriage. What are the Pros over the Cons? What can you live with or try to change? When is enough, enough?

I don't discipline her at all. I think I am completely disengaged. But even cooking for her, picking her up from school, spending any amount of time with her makes me feel resentful.

answer:I don't really believe in spanking, but disciplining a child, they need to be taught wrong and good. What is okay, and what isn't. Time out, then asking them why they were in time out. It be in a corner or a chair facing the wall, or even sent to their bedroom. Teach her responsiblity and respect. Children can sense when you don't like them, they will continue to push you away when you are at your whitts end.

What am I going to do?

answer: Take a deep breath. Make a list of what eerks you in this marriage. Talk to your husband, let it out. Give him a heads up that, you know I might hurt your feelings saying what I need to say, but this is effecting my relationship with you and your daughter. Would you rather divorce and him not knowing the problem. Or fixing it, even if that calls going to marriage counseling. My husband and I have great listening and communication skills, we are blunt even if it hurts each other, but we let it go or out where at least when know where each one of us stands.

1. How do I tell him and I feel his daughter is his mini wife?! (Anybody would think I am a jealous crazy witch for even thinking this way.)

Answer: I had problems with that in the beginning. My husband has 4 kids with his first wife. ( 3 girls, 1 boy) The boys the oldest, but the girls 7,4,2 in the beginning the 7 yr old, made it perfectly clear that I was just a step mother. How she has daddy wrapped around her finger. However, regardless how you feel, you are human and you have the right to express your emotions. I was very blunt with my husband, at that time period we were engaged. He understood, kinda in my perspective. He made it clear to his daughter, that mommy and him are not together. I was going to his new wife, regardless of me not being their mother, they needed to treat me with respect because I am the mother figure. At this time, she butts heads with me from time to time, but our daughter relationship is good. I also sat her down to reassure her that I wasn't their to take her moms place. I was their to be the adult she can look up too. If she didn't like it too bad because I wasn't going anywhere. (stood my ground)

2. How do I tell him that his mother butts into my business all the time and make me feel I am an outsider. (He is a mother's boy but he will never admit it.)

answer I have the exact problem. Realizing, my husband wasn't getting anywhere, I went to the problem. What do I have to loose? Stink eyes during family events, sure I can live with that! I made it clear that my husbands and I's business have nothing to do with her unless she was told and allowed an input.

3. Before I got married, my parents told me that the feeling towards a spouse and the feeling towards children are completely different. So the question of "Whom does he love more?" is really just a silly question.

Answer It is true. Their are 2 types of love. You cannot expect a man to choose. But a true Christian man that was taught right regardless of him getting married, is to honor your wife, and children come last. In the beginning, my husband did put his children first. Then when I expressed my feelings, (because men cannot read women, and they are about stupid as can be) he put me first.

I just don't feel happy about this marriage at all. I don't know what exactly makes me unhappy. I just am. I tried to get along with SD8, for the most part, we do get along well and she is a good kid. But I feel sick and tired of walking on egg shell all the time just to keep the family harmony.

answer: I am in the same shoe. However, I love my husband. But I am not happy. I don't have problems, or much problems with his kids. I have problems with my husbands ex-wife. However, I am learning, what is more important in the marriage. What are the Pros over the Cons? What can you live with or try to change? When is enough, enough?

I don't discipline her at all. I think I am completely disengaged. But even cooking for her, picking her up from school, spending any amount of time with her makes me feel resentful.

answer:I don't really believe in spanking, but disciplining a child, they need to be taught wrong and good. What is okay, and what isn't. Time out, then asking them why they were in time out. It be in a corner or a chair facing the wall, or even sent to their bedroom. Teach her responsiblity and respect. Children can sense when you don't like them, they will continue to push you away when you are at your whitts end.

What am I going to do?

answer: Take a deep breath. Make a list of what eerks you in this marriage. Talk to your husband, let it out. Give him a heads up that, you know I might hurt your feelings saying what I need to say, but this is effecting my relationship with you and your daughter. Would you rather divorce and him not knowing the problem. Or fixing it, even if that calls going to marriage counseling. My husband and I have great listening and communication skills, we are blunt even if it hurts each other, but we let it go or out where at least when know where each one of us stands.

Just disengage - worked for me. Really, just tell yourself "I don't care." Focus on yourself. Ignore the kid's comments. Listen - it won't change. There is no "winning" the SM situation - this I have realized. All you can do is try and make yourself happy and enjoy your time with your husband. Sound bad? It's not...really. It gets easier and easier. You're not this kid's parent, and you never will be. You can't control what comes out of her mouth. If your husband doesn't come around, or start to see things your way, remind him that it's you and him - you and him are the core of this family, and if the two of you aren't first, the rest will fall anyway. Aside from that, I'd say spend time with friends, get out a lot, let hubby spend plenty of 1:1 time with the daughter, and let the chips fall where they may. That's what I do anyway. If daughter thinks she and "daddy" make family, than take yourself out of the equation - know what I mean? Don't play the game. Don't enter the drama. Don't enter the equation. This is how you remain healthy and sane.

My husband says to me...he "wishes" we were more of a family. Well he can "wish" to his heart's content. It's not my problem. I can't fit a square peg into a circle. I am not the mom. I can't be any more family than the babysitter - fact is, I spend less time with his daughter than I would as a babysitter. Am I nice? Sure. Am I kind? You bet. Do I really care what happens in her life? Fact is...not too much. Do I feel guilty about this? No. I didn't enter this dynamic until she was 11 - all the formative groundwork was already laid out - and it was made CRYSTAL clear to me, early on, when I tried...that I have NO influence on her. Therefore, why should I waste my time? I don't.

I recommend you try this. Only because often, it seems, these husbands want you to be something...a mother type...but they don't give you the tools (authority) to do your job "mothering" effectively - therefore I realized - why should I try? I can't succeed like this. There is no way I can be a "mom" and yet no wield any "mom" power. So what am I? I am simply, me. And I am kind, civil, and polite. But I am no mother. I feel no mother bonds, no mothering emotion, no mothering feelings what-so-ever towards this young lady... And you know what? It's OK! She has a mom. And so does your SD. She has a mom. And so again, I say - just step out of the equation, and enjoy the freedom and relief it brings.

Sometimes they do say the most random things. I think I would have tried to diffuse the competitive undertone of her statement by saying something like: "He won't ever have to choose because we both love your dad and his heart is big enough to love us."

This kind of reminds me of something his 5 year old daughter said about a month ago. She went "Daddy aren't I the prettiest? Aren't I prettier than (insert my name)?" It totally threw me off guard and I was curious how he would respond to that one haha. Like I was at age 5, she is somewhat of a tomboy but has been getting more into princesses. I also never considered myself pretty as a little girl (I wasn't) or would have asked someone to confirm it. (Oh and he just said something like "You are a pretty princess. I am a lucky guy to have two pretty girls on the couch with me.")

My SD said something once along the lines of "I was here first." To which I replied "And I will be the one that stays here when you are married with your own family so zip it little girl."
I used to have this type of feeling about my SD13. Standing my ground became crucial in how she and I interact. She can be a mini wife at times, I just ignore it. I found that if I ignore her, she loses steam. It became a battle of wills, she played her hand and would watch to see how I would react. If I reacted, I gave her what she wanted. If I ignored her or shot her down with a snarky remark she'd crawl back into child mode and would get off her high horse. Today, we get along great. She respects me and she knows what lines not to cross.
I explained to her once that the love her dad has for her is very different from the love he has for me and that the 2 should never cross because they are completely different.
I think by me letting her know that we were NOT in any type of competition she kind of let her guard down. She knows her place in her fathers life as I know mine. I also don't have a lot of patience for squabbling with a teenager so I just don't even bother.