I HATE MY STEPSON SO FRIGGIN MUCH
SS17 is a drug addict. Period. After 4 weeks of marriage counseling (that's supposed to focus on OUR relationship) DH finally accepts that DH has a problem. Our counselor, told DH that he needs to say to SS17, you go to counseling for your issues or I (DH) am not going to be able to see you any more.
SS17 has already lost his vehicle over his addiction and has failed miserably in school. This is the final straw.
SS17 has told DH that I (widow) and/or my bios are the problem. He has said his dad is the problem...in other words, he's perfect and the rest of the world needs to get with the program.
Forever it seems, I have struggled with DH putting his asshole kids first. I now know this is the norm here. I don't like it one bit.
DH has blown off commitments he has made with me for his asshole kids. He makes excuses for their behavior because I am almost always wrong - especially if I tell him my feelings are hurt. I just need to get over it. Sound familiar to anyone reading this? I already know it does.
So, DH was supposed to tell SS17 go to counseling or DH is done. Instead he spent over 3 hrs on the phone with him apologizing for SS17's hurt feelings and any misunderstandings. WTF? The kid is a fucking addict! He's a liar and an all around creep. What the hell are you apologizing for? Why are YOU groveling at HIS feet?
To make things worse, DH made an appointment for counseling with his son on OUR established date night. This day of the week has been in play for almost FOUR YEARS! Really? You couldn't have just said that day didn't work for you? I do it all of the time. I ALWAYS PUT MY MARRIAGE FIRST! WHY IS OUR MARRIAGE LESS IMPORTANT TO DH THAN HIS ASSHOLE SON? For the past 6 weeks, we have spent "Date Night" in a therapist's office talking about...you guessed it....SS17. Next week, I get to spend date night alone...which is definitely better than focusing on the asshole SS AGAIN!
Oh, God forgive me. I hate that kid with every fiber of my being. I have lost so much respect for DH after hearing him beg and grovel on the phone with his son. I don't know what I'm going to do next.
It's too early for wine....
Thats a thing!??
Thats a thing!??
I just Googled Red Velvet and
I just Googled Red Velvet and I am so on my way to the wine store...Thanks. I have to see clients from 3:00 to 6:00, but at 6:01 I'm popping that cork. Cheers!
Never too early for wine,
Never too early for wine, dear.....have a sangria.
My fellow Fox is very spot on
My fellow Fox is very spot on here.
I highly suggest alanon or narcnon meetings. The kid is STILL 17 so I'd drag him to a meeting too. But I would do everything in my power to be sure your DH is there, he needs to know it's not his fault.
So basically, this is it.
So basically, this is it. This is how my life is going to be from here on out. An asshole for a SS and a DH who will feel like shit forever about it. Ugh
I feel your pain! DH last
I feel your pain! DH last night spent I don't know how long groveling to SD15 basically begging her to not move back to BM's. The whole time I'm thinking "She will NEVER change...just let her go and be done with her!"
You know how they talk about women who stay in abusive relationships, well that is exactly what our DHs are doing with their kids! I don't care if it is blood...an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship! When a child says mean things to their parent and simply uses them for what they can get out of them, that is a abuse! But they are blinded to it because they think they have to be this caring parent. Just like society doesn't believe a man can be abused by a woman, they can't believe a parent can be abused by a child...it always has to be the other way around! So these guys put up with the abuse of their kids, and grovel at their feet..."Please just like me!" They are blind to the fact that they have us who really love them (or wouldn't be putting up with this crap), and invest all this time relationships that will never happen...once these kids get the chance to bolt, they will...and our DHs will only hear from them when the kids are in trouble or want something.
Think you hit the nail right
Think you hit the nail right on the head! It is like DH needs SD15's approval to feel worth! His dad wasn't much in his life, and just as they started patching things up, his dad died. So now he feels this crazy guilt that he is projecting on SD15...putting so much importance on a relationship with her regardless of how she treats him!
I can see it even more when we talk about my relationship with my mother...or lack of. My mother is very emotionally abusive, as is her mother to her. All my life it has been her way or the highway...even after I grew up! I did very well for myself, but because it was not up to my mom's standards or because she was jealous because I accomplished something she could not...or proved her wrong...she would down me for everything! I can't remember the woman ever saying anything nice to me growing up, even when I did well. It was negative 24/7! So, I had to distance myself, which wasn't too difficult, because my mother really didn't want to talk to me anyway. On her birthday and Mother's Day, I will still call her machine and leave a message, but I don't expect anything. I'm just being civil because she is my mom. This drives DH crazy!!! He can't understand how I can't just pick up the phone and talk to my mother whenever I want! I try to explain to him that it really is for the best, because our marriage probably would not have lasted as long as it has if I were in regular communication with my mother. But he doesn't get how I don't have that need for her approval...for relationship with her. Simply, I don't have the need to feel crappy about myself every day! I took my ball and went home!
It really is a self-esteem issue! Do you feel comfortable in yourself, or do you need the approval of others to be happy. I guess living in my house all those years with my mother and then my abusive ex-husband, I learned to feel comfortable in myself. It was like, if I couldn't look myself in the mirror and tell myself good job, I was the one with the problem!
I told DH it's like watching
I told DH it's like watching an abused woman on a talk show say "But I love him...and I made him angry...he said he was sorry"
He is definitely being abused by SS and also SD21...he's so desperate to be loved by them, he thinks ANY attention is the good stuff. Idiot!
I was just thinking about
I was just thinking about that, too. I definitely resent DH. I also hate SS17 because of the way he treats me, DH and my bios. He's a jerk to everyone and not easy to get a long with at all.
But, to your point, DH is the one who is making this all harder than it has to be. He needs to grow a pair and detach from the addict.
I know how difficult it is to
I know how difficult it is to cut someone out of your life because they have chosen their addiction over you - I've gone through it with my own mother. Unfortunately, the situation with your SS will likely deteriorate further until HE decides to get help. IF he does, that is. No one can change an addict. Time for DH to cut ties with SS before he brings your whole family down with him.
That must've been very hard
That must've been very hard for you. I'm sorry you had to lose your mom to addiction. I'm sure you're all the healthier for it. Thank you for sharing and for your insight.
"Time for DH to cut ties with SS before he brings your whole family down with him." is good advice that I will be sharing with DH. This IS already impacting my family and it needs to stop.
SOOOO very sorry...this was
SOOOO very sorry...this was my hell...Teenage Stepchildren
Long post and I apologize in advance...
Been w/ DH since 2006 and knew he was CP of boys ages 9/10 yrs old. This b/c BM ex meth user AND was and is still w/ man who did prison time for domestic violence against her. I love kids... have 4 adult bios I raised as single mom. All 4 are well adjusted, accomplished and successful. I knew there would be adjustments/struggles, but thought "hey I can do this!'
Boy was I ever dumb and completely naive! DH also has 12 yo son from another BM...DH is not currently CP.
The honeymoon period was ok. BM to our faces said I was great...yada yada yada...but little did I know she and her crazy family were undermining me from day one! Telling them they didn't have to listen to me b/c I'm not their mom. SS's had sporadic visitation w/her but talked on phone often enough. I did everything for those boys just as I did for bios...active in school/sports activities. Took them to all practices and attended all games... Dr's appts etc BM would show up once in a while. Bios accepted them into their lives as well.....we did all things as family together.
DH got custody just before we got together...they were living w/ grandma...and she had no structure...did everything for them. Had to teach them about chores, being a part of a family etc...I'm sure you get the idea. It was tough no doubt about it!
Fast forward to last year or so...older SS turned 18 in December 2013 and felt he didn't have to follow rules anymore. Things came to a head w/him in February this year. He got angry w/ us b/c we told him he had to get a job...all he was doing was sitting around house all day on social media...he actually took a swing at his dad so out the door he went! Let me explain my DH and SS's are big!! Not fat just very large folks!! DH is 6'2 275lbs...18 yo 6'2 250lbs and 17 yo 6'2 325lbs.
Now about 17 yo SS...he has issues...had him in counseling and under care of psychiatrist since 2011 after expressing suicidal ideations. Seemed to be doing better.
About ten months ago he gets a GF. I didn't care for this girl from beginning..just gut instinct but my instincts turned out ever so true! His attitude towards me got ugly when we sat him down to talk about it he said it was b/c I didn't like GF. He went on to tell me she 'needs' him b/c she's a cutter and threatens suicide if she can't 'be' w/him! Even w/out my 32 yrs experience as mental health care provider I knew this was not healthy for him!
Well he snuck out and stayed night at her house...I woke up early and called him immediately and he wouldn't answer. So DH and I called GF and told her to bring him home...SS doesn't have DL ...GF refused. She had just moved few days prior and we didn't have new address so when DH demanded her address she continued to argue saying "I will bring him home after we hang out" By this time I'm about ready to have a damn aneurism! DH told her to bring him home or we are calling law enforcement and reporting her for parental interference/kidnapping. This girl is 17 as well. When she brought him home we informed her in no uncertain terms she is no longer allowed at/in our home for her blatant disrespect...this little hussy told ME I'm the problem and in her house parents have to earn her respect and I haven't earned hers!! Took every damn ounce of self control not to beat the shit out of her!
Well last week little shit snuck out again and we were waiting for him when he tried to sneak back in. DH and I sat him down and told him it's simple...follow the rules of our home or there's the damn door!
So SS waits until his dad leaves for work and proceeds to tell me I better not ever tell him what he can and can't do or he'll 'go off on me and it won't be pretty'...he then in a very calm voice tells me he sleeps w/his door locked and knives under his bed b/c he 'knows' I try to come onto his room at night and try to inject him w/air to kill him so one of these days he's going to kill me first. 12 yo ss was here for visit and I realized at this point I was no longer dealing w/angry rebellious teen but a kid w/ paranoid delusional thoughts!
I immediately took 12 yo SS and myself to neighbors for safety called DH and he said babe call law enforcement told him I'm already there...called law enforcement explained I needed welfare check b/c this kid obviously met criteria for 5150 hold...danger to self/others. DH as a courtesy calls BM to let her know her kid is in some serious emotional trouble and needs help. (he's kicking his own ass seven ways to sunday for ever making that call!) So BM calls psycho GF and they both called law enforcement on ME saying I emotionally/physically abuse this kid! DH and I did not know this at the time.
Dh is at this point rushing home from work and as I'm waiting outside neighbors GF comes speeding down street jumps out of car rushes up on me screaming 'what did you do to him?!' Just then 7 deputies roll up and female officer starts listening to 17 yo GF and proceeds to unholster her weapon and orders ME on the ground!! Thank god my DH got there just as this was happening and told other deputies what was really going on! Deputies told female officer to stand down and proceeded inside to talk to SS.
They sat him down and SS admitted to saying everything but b/c he was calm and said he didn't feel that way right then and there they couldn't place him on hold. But they did read him the riot act and told him your dad is a better man than us b/c if you ever said that shit to any of our wives we'd beat the shit out of you...but they said your dad's a big dude and he'd probably maim you! They then proceeded to tell him there's the door so they waited for BM to pick him up.
The drama doesn't end here...psycho BM#1 then contacts psycho BM#2 (of 12 yo) via FB and proceeds to tell her I'm crazy and her son is not safe w/me. So BM#2 hauls DH into court on ex parte hearing...judge dismissed it right away b/c DH has been in court/mediation w/this psycho b/c she refuses to follow court ordered visitation. Perfect example of PAS!!! Judge and mediator told her she's going to lose custody if she keeps this shit up!!
I was having tech issues w/ this site....I adore pretty much all of you...you guys ROCK!!!! Well anyhow needed some support and to vent and made HUGE mistake of going to Cafe Mom!! They are psycho nazis!!! They called me evil and a lot of other things and said thank god those poor babies are no longer in my care!
For about 2 seconds I actually started doubting myself...then my brain kicked in and said hell no...!
My god what is this world coming to when some ppl think it's ok for a kid to hurt ppl?!?!
And to top it off BM of 17 yo didn't even take her OWN kid home...she took him to GF's and that's where he is now...but ya she's SOOOO worried about her baby!
Had to change locks b/c GF had a key w/out us knowing about it!
Pls someone tell me I'm not crazy!!
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The only way for a parent to
The only way for a parent to fix a problem like this is to abandon the parental feelings and emotion and focus on the toxic behavior of the kid. Only the kid is the cause of their own behavior.
If daddy does not address it then though the behavior may be the kids the fault is entirely daddies.
In this case your DH is an abject failure as a parent at least regarding SS-17. He is also perpetrating that failure with your joint children because they see their father tolerating this shit with their elder brother.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.