Do I just shut my mouth?
Hi All,
I've been with my partner for over two years and we are meant to be married next year... but I'm having doubts.
My partner told me last week that I need to be more vocal with his kids when they leave things lying around or food scraps everywhere etc, so that they know we are united and it's not just coming from him. So I tried it and it completely back fired.
The 17-year-old has not spent time with his mother for around 10 months now... although, as soon as I cracked the poops with him about all the mess he has left around the house, he went running to Mummy the very next day and then decides he's going to stay at her place for the night.
What am I meant to do? I've paid these kids school fees, clothed them, fed them, paid off the 17-year-old's fines, paid for sports registrations, helped with school work (the list goes on)... their own Mother doesn't give them birthday presents or Christmas presents at all. Doesn't provide anything for them, but I do. I never had a problem with this until it felt like a huge slap in the face for having a voice and wanting my home to be clean. We have a mortgage... and the 17-year-old doesn't contribute at all. Refuses to get a job and sits around on YouTube all day and treats our house like a bachelor pad.
Am I meant to just shut my mouth and allow the Children to create mayhem in the house while I continue to work 5 days per week to pay for their wellbeing and just accept things? If this is the way it is, I don't think I'll ever last in this relationship.
Help 
You're all so right. Not once
You're all so right.
Not once did I ever want to replace their mother... but I was basically their mother for a good 18 months when their own mum split town and didn't want anything to do with them. She's back now that she got fired from her job, so she needs child support income so she has the kids some of the time.
I will take back what's mine though. I am just still in shock over thinking about how stupid I must have been to believe their every lie in order to get what they wanted out of me and then slap me in the face. it's hard to come to terms with but I'm learning...
I'm not going to let any of these kids get the better of me. I'm only there because I love their father, I don't owe them anything apart from a safe house when they visit and I overcompensate with that.
Thanks so much for giving me such good advice on this. I thought I was going mental. (In fact, I've been told by my partner to see a councillor... why should I see a councillor? I believe the mother and the children all need one!)
:/
My husband of 6 yrs still
My husband of 6 yrs still tells me the same thing. He wants me to be more vocal in telling SD11 not to be disrespectful and to clean up after herself. Any time I have tried that, it has backfired big time. Each time I have tried to be more "vocal" SD creates a drama scene, I get upset about her reaction, DH & I start a huge fight about my role as SM, and our marriage goes a step further into disaster. Of course, that only fuels the fire and resentment I have about SD being the only thing that is ruining our marriage.
After 6+ years of that roller coaster from hell, I keep coming to the same conclusion that it's better if I just shut my mouth. Even though DH then accuses me of giving them the silent treatment lol I just can't win no matter what.
Your SO told you to be more
Your SO told you to be more vocal with the kids for their behavior. Is that because YOU get upset when they leave things around the house or because your SO wants you to discipline them for things HE gets upset about?
If their behavior is upsetting you, then no, don't just keep your mouth shut. It's your home, take back control of it. Stop paying for sports/school fees/shoes and clothes etc. When the skids ask for something (or say I need xyz) simply reply that you are happy to contribute to them when they start contributing to the household.
If their behavior is upsetting DH and you don't really care, disengage and leave it up to him. If he really wants to be a team that's great, but if he is just trying to avoid being the bad guy, remind him who created these kids and whose job it is to be the bad guy.
I know it's so easy for us to
I know it's so easy for us to say 'stop paying and tell their father to take some responsibility' since you're the one living in the house. But everyone is right. Talk to your bf when there is no drama happening...be calm and voice your concerns in a way that makes it sound like you want to come up with solution rather than sounding accusatory. I learned this the hard way and it's not always easy to keep your mouth shut in the heat of the moment. But trust me...having the kids see that it gets to you will only throw fuel on the fire for them.