Another week, another round of drama
Oh yay. The skids are back this week. They came back last night. JOY JOY JOY.
I wish there were some way to look forward to their weeks, but honestly, I can't find even one single thing that's good about it. I've tried, trust me. I consider myself to be a fairly decent, positive person, but these kids and their jerky behaviors bring out the absolute worst in me. I hate the person I seem to transform into when they're around. It's an ugly, bitchy person, and I don't like or recognize her.
The drama started again last night during dinner. DH and I told the boys that they could play xbox for a while after dinner. BS9 basically inhaled his food, then got up to put his plate, fork, and cup on the kitchen counter. I've started making him do extra chores around the house lately (which DH disapproves of - story for another day), and I reminded him that he still needed to take the trash out before he could do anything else.
He shouted "UGH! GOD!" and slammed his plate down hard on the kitchen counter.
Oh...Oh HELL NO, BS9.
This response is exactly what the skids do when DH actually finds his backbone and actually tells them to do something (usually after ASKING them to do it 10-12 times and they ignore him). They respond in this exact manner. BS9 never used to react that way when I told him to do anything. He might not have liked what he had to do, but he knew better than to respond in that way.
As soon as I heard that crap come out if his mouth and that plate slam down on the counter, I immediately jumped up from the table, ran over to him, and whipped his ass. HARD.
BS9 didn't say another word. He straightened up and took out the trash. Hell, he even came back and put his dishes in the dishwasher for good measure.
I'd had a talk with him earlier in the evening about behaviors that I won't tolerate - no matter what he sees other kids in the house getting away with - and we'd addressed this very reaction. I guess he thought he could get away with it, with me sitting there eating dinner. Boy was he wrong.
After the spanking, SS9 got up from the table and walked over to me like damn Rain Man, with his head cocked to the side, looking up at me, then back down, then up at me again, then back down. He said, "Uh, ncgal? I really don't think you should be doing that. That sort of a thing...well, we're not used to that type of punishment, and I'm really not comfortable with it. So...You really shouldn't do that anymore."
I stood there, totally shocked. I looked at DH like "What in the HELL?" DH asked SS9 to please sit back down and finish his dinner. SS9 continued to stand there giving me the Rain Man glances.
DH had to say two more times that SS9 needed to sit down. I stood there saying nothing. Finally, SS9 sat back down and finished eating.
Now, why SS9 felt the need to school me on proper discipline, I'm not sure. I had no idea how to even respond to that, so I left it alone.
Then later that evening, SS9 was bawling in his room at bed time. DH went to check on him. Yep, once again, SS9 is crying and moaning and saying it's all because I don't pay enough attention to him when he's at our house. SS9 had DH up there in his room for almost 30 minutes crying about that. (Yep, I eavesdropped so I could hear what he was crying about.)
DH has addressed this with me before. (I've posted about it.)
Since telling DH that I've disengaged, and why I've disengaged, he hasn't mentioned SS9's crying jags over me "ignoring" him. He feels I don't engage with him enough, or talk to him enough. I don't have time to talk to my own damn kids most nights, so why SS9 feels entitled to special, individual attention from me, I'm not sure.
I don't know what DH said to SS9 about it - I didn't hang around to find out - but he stayed in there with him for almost 30 minutes consoling him and lavishing lots of hugs and "oh there there" stuff on him about it.
I don't think SS9 really cares that much about me not paying attention to him. I think he likes the fact that crying about it gets him lots of extra attention from DH and BM here lately.
DH didn't say a damn thing to me about it last night after he left SS9's room. I've made it clear to DH that I have very little time for anyone, and if SS9 feels slighted because of it, then he's just going to have to get over it. My own kids probably feel that I neglect them, too, and I'm more worried about THEIR feelings than his. Sorry, but that's the way it is. My bio kids will always come before my skids, and DH knows that's not going to change, so SS9 just needs to grow the hell up and stop crying about it. Either he will or he won't. I'm not going to try to do much about it either way.
So...that was my first night with the skids this week. I can't wait to see what tonight brings! WOO HOO! I'm SO excited! :sick:
Perhaps a spanking would be
Perhaps a spanking would be enough attention for SS9.
Oh yeah! If only I could do
Oh yeah! If only I could do that! He'd certainly benefit from a good ass-whoopin'.
At first I misread it and
At first I misread it and thought you WERE talking about ss9 - and that you jumped up and spanked HIM! I was thinking OH HOLY HELL - SHE'S LOST IT!
LMAO - then I reread it and realised it was your BS9 - phew, I was imagining the drama fest BM and sS9 would have had with that one!!!
Did your OH SAY anything to ss about how it was not appropriate for him to tell YOU how to parent your child?
Little shit....
You had me rolling calling
You had me rolling calling SS9 Rain Man because I could totally picture this scenerio happening. I believe in spanking but my SO will not spank his 8 year old monster/daughter. I swear sometimes it's all I can do not to whoop her ass myself.
SS9's demeanor was
SS9's demeanor was just...creepy. I swear he looked just like Ran Man, standing there with his head cocked to the side and glancing up and down. Spooky. I expected him to start the "Who's On First" dialogue or telling me The People's Court will be on in seven minutes.
My DH won't spank, either. He says that "sitting down and having positive discussions" is enough to discipline his little snowflakes. Uh huh. That's probably why they have hissy fits and fling things and have temper tantrums when they don't get their way. Poor little babies just haven't had their daily dose of "positive discussion." Ugh.
I don't spank my kids often, but when I do, it's because they've gone too far and I need to get a point across to them. I've never hurt either one of them, but my mantra is, "If you can't THINK, then you can FEEL." It seems to work pretty well.
My 11 year old daughter knows
My 11 year old daughter knows better than to show her ass because she knows my limits. I rarely spank but she knows it could happen. My SO 8year old monster/daughter doesn't know what a spanking is. I have asked him why he won't and he told me with a straight face he won't hit her because she's a girl. I fully expect her to grow up and be on 16 & pregnant because he just loves her to pieces and doesn't think she can do any wrong.
THIS is the debate in our
THIS is the debate in our house too, I spank on rare occasions and you better believe my kids (before moving in with OH and the skids) were very well behaved and polite young ladies. They push my limits a lot more now - after seeing the skids get away with all sorts of shit over the last 2.5 years. (just like your boy seems to be doing - man that makes me mad - OH - parent your own kids how you like but when it rubs off on mine expect HELL to rain down on YOU!!)
OH believes in having a chat with his kids, talking to them about the "situation" with no blame or punishment/consequences, "if I say I am disappointed in them they get really upset and work hard to make me proud again!" Uh yeah, keep telling yourself that as your ss10 throws 2 yo tantrums for not getting his way and your SD13 lies, steals, cheats and manipulates her way through life....
I don't think he was sticking
I don't think he was sticking up for my son. He was just letting me know that my form of punishment isn't something he and his brothers are used to (none of them have ever been spanked - EVER), so I needed to stop doing it because it made him uncomfortable.
I'm not going to change the way I handle my kids' bad behavior because somebody else's kid isn't comfortable with it. I'm also not going to let my kids start acting like asshats because somebody else's kid doesn't have any boundaries and feels it's okay to act in such a manner.
Sorry, that's just the way I am.
In this situation - regardless of what SS9 had the "guts" to do - how would you have handled it, soccerwifeandmom? If my son had reacted that way to you telling him he had to take out the trash, what would you have done about it?
I also have first-hand
I also have first-hand experience with a parent taking corporal punishment too far. My kids' father isn't allowed to come anywhere near them for the next year, and a criminal trial is pending against him for something horrible he did to BS9 late last year as a punishment. So yes, I do realize you can take it too far. When I saw what my ex did to our son, I immediately took action to make sure he'll NEVER have the opportunity to do anything like that again. And he won't, not as long as I'm alive and breathing.
And just for the record, no, BS9 didn't get to play any video games last night, and yes, he did go straight to bed after his shower.
It's hard, having two parents with two different styles of discipline in the same house. DH is too lax in my opinion, and the result of that are the three monsters I have to live with every other week. I have to work hard to keep my kids from picking up those bad behaviors.
And spanking him "hard" was me swatting his butt with an open hand, with his pants on. I've never even left so much as a red mark on either of my kids. But it was hard enough to get my point across.
That is not how I read it -
That is not how I read it - at all.
Her BS knows better than to act that way, no matter what the skids get away with. He decided to test the waters anyway and found out they were too deep for him to go wading in.
SS9 was not sticking up for her BS, it was all about him (SS) and what made him uncomfortable. He had no business telling her how to discipline her child, or rather, how not to.
He wasn't really saying it
He wasn't really saying it wasn't "right." What he said to me was that he and his brothers aren't used to seeing that sort of thing, and it makes him uncomfortable. He wanted me to stop doing that because it affected HIM. And Heaven knows we can't have THAT.
BS9 has tried this before,
BS9 has tried this before, but not too many times. He'll try to talk back to me when we're around other people, thinking I don't want to make a scene and won't do anything about it. In the past, when he's done that, I've taken him off privately and had a "come to Jesus" meeting with him about his jerky behavior and that it won't be tolerated, usually followed with a punishment that he'll have to deal with later in the evening (like losing TV privileges when we get home, or something along those lines).
He's a good kid most of the time. I don't know what got into him last night, other than the fact that he sees the skids do this at least 2-3 times every evening they're with us (and getting away with it), so he thought hey, why not give it a shot?
Our son mad the mistake on a
Our son mad the mistake on a few occassions of thinking he could get away with behavioral bullshit in public or with GrandMa and GrandPa around. Nope, the consequences were worse for him and more far reaching in those situations because of the willful manipulation.
Children seem to frequently lose track of the point that parents have learned the lessons of behavior due to our own first hand experiences of childhood.
This isn't the first time SS9
This isn't the first time SS9 has done this to me, though the last time was several months ago. BS4 tried to have a temper tantrum over something stupid, and I swatted him on the butt over it. SS9 came up to me and basically said the same thing he said to me last night. He let me know that it makes him "feel sad and upset" to see another child be spanked, so I needed to stop spanking my kids so HE won't feel sad or upset anymore.
I was so disgusted, I just walked off. DH was there for that incident, too, and had NOTHING to say about it.
I think it is time for DH to
I think it is time for DH to hear "if you don't spank him immediately then I will and it will be whole lot worse on his precious little ass cheeks if I have to do it. MOVE NOW OR LEAVE AND DON'T COME BACK and you can take your POS kid with you!!!"
Grrrrr!
Your situation is infuriating to me for some reason.
Take care of yourself.
I used to enjoy the weeks the
I used to enjoy the weeks the skid wasn't there but now I spend the whole week dreading next week when she comes back. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I'm having the same problem
I'm having the same problem lately. For a little while, I could relax and enjoy my skid-free weeks, but now I find myself spending too much time dreading their return. It doesn't help that BM feels free to call DH whenever she feels like it to discuss whatever bullshit the skids said to her, either about me ("ncgal IGNORES me Mommeeee! Wah wah!") or about DH and something he did or didn't do that the skids didn't like and are now upset about.
Honestly, unless things get better, I don't know how much longer I can do this, either. It sucks, but at least we know we're not alone, for whatever it's worth...
NCGal I SWEAR we are living
NCGal I SWEAR we are living the same life....are you free this Saturday for lunch?
You'd be so proud of me...I'm
You'd be so proud of me...I'm taking a pottery class Saturday afternoon! By my DAMN SELF! DH will be left alone with all five of our kids for about two freaking hours! Let him enjoy the stepbrats' company all by himself for a little while.
I've started finding things to do elsewhere when the skids are around. DH doesn't like it, but at this point it's more about self-preservation than anything else.
I don't feel like sitting through their damn ball games, so he can take all the kids and go sit through them with BM and have a grand ol' time.
How about lunch one day next week?
okay!!!!...lets plan!
okay!!!!...lets plan!
...send me a message on FB and we will pick a day!
Good for you! That is what I
Good for you! That is what I need to start doing, just finding something for me and my daughter to go do that doesn't include the SO and SD8. Then she and DADDDDDDDDYYYYYY can have more time with each other.
I've formally discussed my
I've formally discussed my disengagement with DH now, and while he's not happy about it, he understands that I need time away from his kids. His visitation with them is just that...HIS visitation. Not mine. I'm not required to be there or do anything special with them. The way they behave and talk to me makes me dislike them tremendously, and until that changes, the disengagement will continue. And I'll continue finding things to do elsewhere, whenever possible, when the skids are at our house.
Ok I know you are going to
Ok I know you are going to think I'm a psycho here but my SO has stopped telling me when he talks with BM because in general she is stirring up drama and I get upset about it. So I log on to verizon and look at the usage each day just to see for myself. And of course it is a minimum of 5 texts from her EACH day! I talk to my ex-husband MAYBE once or twice a month and it is only in reference to our daughter. What in the hell could she need to talk to him daily about? And I periodically ask him if he has heard from her and he always says no and I just say ok.
Uhh, this would piss me off!
Uhh, this would piss me off! 1) The lying from your man and 2) another woman using YOUR husband to help her get through the day.
I don't think this is cool at all...and you're NOT a psycho...you're protecting your turf. What are you planning to do about it though? If you want to see her in some cement boots, I know a guy...
Kansas City cement, by any
Kansas City cement, by any chance????
sorry, couldnt resist...
Ok so the Verizon account is
Ok so the Verizon account is in my name and I pay that bill. The more I thought about this and then read your comment I decided to do something. I called Verizon in regards to MY ACCOUNT that is in my name and I pay for and had them block her number. I know this will be short lived once he finds out and I will hear how he needs to be able to contact her and her contact him for the kid but I will secretly be laughing until he or BM figures it out.
vdarmv, Can you tell me how
vdarmv,
Can you tell me how to do that? I would love to know what the texts say!!!!!!
What a little Rain Man
What a little Rain Man weirdo! Think god you don't have them full time like my Sjerks! That could be your silver lining
good luck & happy sanity! I would stay very busy out of the house if you could.
I've had those thoughts many
I've had those thoughts many times when the skids are around. I haven't yet said any of them out loud, but you'd better believe I'm thinking them!
If SS9 continues to try to educate me about my parenting choices, and if he continues his crying jags because he feels bad about me "ignoring" him, eventually something horrible is going to come out of my mouth!
It's not so much restraint as
It's not so much restraint as it is ncgal taking a bottle of wine into the walk-in closet, closing the door, taking swigs and cussing softly to no one... }:)
I don't think it's so
I don't think it's so horrible to say directly to SS9: Who asked you for your opinion? It wasn't me.
Or: You may not speak to me that way. I do not want to hear you giving your opinion unless you've been asked again.
Treat him like his teachers at school probably do. Like an annoying pain in the ass, but not theirs to toss out with the trash.
Ok,caveat: I never , ever hit
Ok,caveat: I never , ever hit my kids. Ok, on to my point: NC, when SS questioned your parenting, someone should've gone NUCLEAR on him! Preferably your DH. Children don't , ever, get to weigh in/ comment on adult things in my house.
I would have lost it on SS-9
I would have lost it on SS-9 with his holier than thou "Uh, ncgal? I really don't think you should be doing that. That sort of a thing...well, we're not used to that type of punishment, and I'm really not comfortable with it. So...You really shouldn't do that anymore." bullshit.
I would have flicked him forcefully across his smart assed lips with the back of my fingers then poked him in the chest with one finger hard enough to plant him on his ass then told him "Look you little ill-behaved smart assed bastard, if I don't take that kind of crap from my own child who I love completely what makes you think I will tolerate it from a nasty little crotch dribble like you who I can't stand? Now get the hell out of my sight before I blister your bare ass with a belt!!!! NOW!!!!!" Then I would have chased him all the way to his room. If DH had so much as squeaked I would have thrown my plate at him.
Okay, not IRL but damned it would feel good to do just that. }:)
Your DH is one of the clueless millions of Disney parents who have flooded society with their little POS spoiled and entitled spawn. Your son on the other hand will be a man of character because he has a mother who holds him to behavioral standards and applies consequences when he fails to meet them.
I made the mistake that your BS-9 made when I was his age. I realized a similar result. I appreciate that my parents held me to a high standard of behavioral expectation. I am 50 years old and I still speak to my parents with terms like yes/no Sir/Ma'am.
The lessons in respect taught by my parents have returned very positive results in my professional life. In fact our office tea room attendant just walked in to my office, shook my hand and said "Sir, you are a good man." I say please and thank you when he and I speak. I ask about his family and how his children are doing. I pay attention to him when I see him rather than ignore him as most people do.
My parents taught their sons to treat people with respect. I enjoy the blessings of that lesson every day as does my brother. If only the parents of so many intolerable little shits would teach their children the same lessons.