"GET IN HERE! NOW!"
It's been all go at my house lately. Boy howdy...
DH and I were trying to have a conversation in the kitchen last night. SS9 was in the bathroom, taking a bath. We were talking away, miraculously not being bothered by even one single kid, when all of a sudden we heard SS9 start shouting "DADDDYYY! DADDDDYYYY! COME HERE AND WASH MY HAIR!"
DH ignored him and tried to resume our conversation. About three seconds later, SS9 started shouting at DH to come in there again.
This kid will be ten in about two weeks. TEN. The boy still claims he can't wash his own damn hair and insists that DH do it. I can't even imagine this. Even my four-year-old wants to wash his own hair and gets mad when I do it for him.
All three of my skids have the most insane amount of learned helplessness that I've ever seen.
DH tried ignoring SS9 and didn't answer him. Then we heard SS9 beating on the bathroom wall with his fists and throwing stuff. I found out later he'd thrown the bar of soap across the room and hit the bathroom door with it.
Then he shouted "GET IN HERE! NOW! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME DADDDDYYY!"
DH made some half-assed attempt to stop the tirade: "SS9, let me finish talking to ncgal and I'll be in there in a minute. Okay, please?"
Aw, FUCK that "please" shit.
SS9 yelled at DH again to GET IN HERE NOW!
DH gave me this "Well, what're you gonna do?" look, left me in the kitchen, and went to wash SS9's hair.
I swear to GOD these kids are monsters.
I would have 'accidentally'
I would have 'accidentally' got so much shampoo in that skids eyes... Is that too far? lol.
If it were appropriate for me
If it were appropriate for me to go in there and wash that kid's hair, I'd do just that. It'd be a long time before he bitched about having somebody else do it again, that's for sure.
"Oooh! Sorry about dumping half a bottle of shampoo all over your face! Whoopsie! Oh, you want to wipe it off with a towel? Well, you left your wet towel on the floor last night and it got all stinky and moldy, so yeah...sorry, I don't have one. Well, see ya!"
That would be the best thing
That would be the best thing for him, you need to give his little ass a reality check.
Screw that, he is teaching
Screw that, he is teaching the brat that he can talk any way he wants to his daddy and it is ok 'cause "what ya gonna do"! At that age a boy should be washing their own hair! I'd flush the toilet on the brat
The fact that he allows them
The fact that he allows them to YELL at him and bark orders at him really disturbs me. I had no idea before we got married that he allowed that sort of thing.
If either of my kids tried that, they'd find out pretty quickly that, yes, it IS possible to spank a kid who's seated in a bathtub!
No way in HELL would I put up with that crap. I don't know why he does. I think he's so afraid of his kids not loving him or wanting to come over that he allows them to walk all over him and treat him like shit.
It's not a very endearing, appealing thing to have to witness every other week.
Does DH ever not come when
Does DH ever not come when you request his presence? You could do the "COME NOW" to him the next time he asks you to wait and if he gets all upset or questions you just tell him that is how his DS calls him so you figured it was ok. Perhaps it will make him see how it makes him look to others. Or he could just get mad and say you are being immature. Depends on his personality.
^^^Agreed! SD's do this with
^^^Agreed!
SD's do this with their dad..."Daaaaddddy! COME HERE!" Luckily, after I checked him about his vagina-drying behavior he hasn't gone running like a little puppy in the last few visits. His kids try to do that to me, too...yelling from another room..."Blaaaayze. COME HERE!" I ignore, ignore, ignore. An adult running for kids and taking whatever order they dish out? No way. I don't even yell at MY KID to "Come here!" It's rude as hell.
My BD11 has been washing
My BD11 has been washing herself and doing her bathing alone for years! My SD8 however has to have the shower water started for her, he lays out her towel, bathcloth, and pajamas, then she screams DAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYY multiple times while she is in there for him to sniff her and tell her if she is clean enough. I have told him that unless she is on fire or is missing a limb she should not call out for him AT ALL! Oh and then when she is deemed clean enough, he cuts the water off for her because she says it is confusing which way to turn the knobs!!!!
NCGAL1980 next time SS9 is in there screaming for DAAADDDDDYYYY you bust in there and say he is busy and I'm going to teach you one time how to wash your hair and that is the end of it! Scrub that hair so hard he thinks again before screaming out for help.
I have told him that unless
I have told him that unless she is on fire or is missing a limb she should not call out for him AT ALL
Agreed! I hate the screaming from across the house.
Now girls you know if she
Now girls you know if she gets on DH too hard he's going to throw out, "well he's only 9" and ncgal1980 may murder him.
DH excuses a lot of their
DH excuses a lot of their behavior with that line, or "Well, they're just little."
Oh hell no they're not! The 7- and 8-year-olds can't even tie their own damn shoes!
This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was going to say, buzzcut that kid.
LadyFace now you know if he
LadyFace now you know if he can't wash his own hair he can't manage to work a shower either! He needs DAAADDDYY to come wash his butt for him. These guilt daddies are ruining these kids and we pay for it
SS9 declared one day that he
SS9 declared one day that he didn't like taking showers, so he went back to baths. Even when he took showers, he still expected DH to come in there and wash his hair for him. How they did that without getting water all over the place in the bathroom, I'll never know.
It amazes me how often these kids just dictate things, and poof, whatever they want to change, changes. It's like they come out with a scroll on the palace steps and read the king's decree, and thus, across the land, things changed, and it was so.
It's disgusting, how much power DH gives his kids.
If my kids want to change the way we do something, but they have no valid, logical reason for said change, I just say "Life's tough. Suck it up, buttercup."
DH thinks I'm SO mean to my kids. I actually take it as a compliment.
My grandmother once told me
My grandmother once told me if your kids call you mean, that you are doing everything right! We are not their friends, we are their parents, to raise and help mold them into adults. We can be friends once they are grown up and moved out of my damn house!
What could I have possibly
What could I have possibly done to make this situation any better? DH knows how I feel about the way he babies his kids. He knows I don't approve. Believe it or not, he doesn't do it quite as much as he used to, but yes, he does still choose to do it.
He knows I think it's a bad idea, but that's really just my opinion. They're his kids, and if he wants to raise them that way, that's his decision to make, not mine. I will NOT behave the same way toward them - hence the disengagement - but we both choose to raise our kids the way we see fit. He parents his kids, and I parent mine.
All I can do, short of divorcing DH, is disengage and stay out of it. When the skids do things that directly affect me or my bio kids, I jump in and put a stop to it. Beyond that, I stay the hell out of it.
sueu2- I think you are out of
sueu2- I think you are out of line. This forum is about us supporting each other and venting, laughing at our DH and skids. Her husband may be doing things that we think are dumb ( and she thinks are dumb too) , but he isn't a monster and ncgal1980 is doing THE VERY BEST she can to find a way to be happy in her marriage and survive being around those kids. It is HIS job to parent and teach those kids because he created them, she is not their mother and she has her own children that she has to take care of.
I try to remember this when
I try to remember this when their tantrums and demands get on my last nerve. They really don't know any better. It's all they've known their whole lives - they say "Jump" and all the adult they're talking to is allowed to say in response is "How high?"
It's been a bit of a shock to them, having to deal with an adult - for the first time ever, I think - who all but tells them to go get bent when they bark orders at me. At first I responded with dumbfounded indignation and anger, but now, I just turn and walk away like they're not even there. If they can't even be bothered to ask with a "Please," then they know they're not going to get anywhere with me. They'll get NO response whatsoever. Not even an "Ask your dad."
But yeah, they really don't know any better because of the way BM and DH decided to raise them. It's sad. They're in for such a shock when they get out in the real world without Mommy and Daddy there to cater to them constantly.
Actually, DH and BM may still be there for them. Ooh, that's a scary thought...
OMG!!! LOL you have me
OMG!!! LOL you have me rolling!
HAHAHA!
HAHAHA!
My ss11 doesn't usually
My ss11 doesn't usually shower at our place at the weekends so I don't know what he's like now but when he was 10 dh would sit in the bathroom and talked to ss while he showered and I swear he actually asked which one to put in his hair one time "eh the one labelled shampoo". Absolutely pathetic that dh would need to help shower a 10 year old IMHO but this is the same kid who wanted to walk around holding Dhs hand in public and still sits on "daddy's" lap eugh. Dh always makes comments like he's my baby, he won't be my baby for much longer. Even when he kisses him goodnight he says "night baba or baby", sickening.
He doesn't shower for the
He doesn't shower for the whole weekend visit? I bet he smells like a barrell of swampwater by Sunday LOL
Yeah he hasn't hit puberty
Yeah he hasn't hit puberty yet so it's not so bad and he wears deodorant now like some of the older boys haha. It suits me though cause I would seriously lose my shit if dh showered him at 11.5 years of age so I say nothing
SS9 yelled at DH again to GET
SS9 yelled at DH again to GET IN HERE NOW!
DH gave me this "Well, what're you gonna do?" look, left me in the kitchen, and went to wash SS9's hair.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Can't really blame the kid here.
Oh, I don't. Not really. I
Oh, I don't. Not really. I mean, hell, as long as it works, why should he stop?
I've tried to get this across to DH, but he's just not hearing me: "He talks to you that way because IT WORKS. Until you STOP responding to that shit, they'll keep talking to you that way!"
I don't know why that's so hard to understand, and I don't know of a simpler way to put it, but he just.doesn't.get.it. SMDH
At least its "wash my hair".
At least its "wash my hair". my SD was 4 when I got with DH and it was always "come wipe me" oh yes, you read that correctly. WIPE ME. This continued until she was 5/6 when I finally had enough. (my DH would bitch at me if I didn't help her/ teach her which I had been doing the entire time I had been with them). Finally she had purposefully wiped bm up into her who-ha and I told my DH to deal with it. He looked at me like he was shocked. I told him I had been teaching her how to wipe her self for over a year (at least) and I was done with this attention crap. He had to go in, put her in the shower and scolded her for doing what she did (I mean she had like packed bm/poop INTO her who-ha) that was the last time she asked for anyone to wipe her.
DH did that up until last
DH did that up until last year. SDs 8 and 9. Mostly OSD. I made fun of her one day because of it, told her I would tell all her future boyfriends that she had to have her daddy wipe her ass when she was 9. Hasn't happened again since.
told her I would tell all her
told her I would tell all her future boyfriends that she had to have her daddy wipe her ass when she was 9
hahahahahahahaha nice move!
A-FUCKING-MEN!!
A-FUCKING-MEN!!
I'm so sick of "please" too!
I'm so sick of "please" too! DH does it all the damn time with his kids!
DH: "Sit down, please."
*skid continues dancing around*
DH: "Sit down, okay? Please sit down."
*skid blatantly ignores DH*
DH: "Sit down, please."
*skid continues acting like an idiot*
DH: "Sit down, please."
*I give him the "Oh for fuck's SAKE!" look*
DH: "SIT DOWN!"
*skid sits down*
Repeat this exchange about 5,482,913 times, and you've pretty much summed up every night and weekend I've spent with the stepbrats.
That "please please please"
That "please please please" shit has just GOT to go. Really.
My parents never said "Please" or "Thank you" when it was time for me to do something, like you said. They told me what to do, and I knew I'd better do it or face the consequences. It was pretty simple, and don't all those parenting experts say to keep it simple with kids? Well, that's what my parents did, and that's what I do with my own kids.
As I've tried to explain to DH (it went right over his head, bless his heart), when you say "please," you're really giving your kid an option.
What you're really saying is, "I'd LIKE for you to sit down...buuuut you really don't have to if you don't want to."
That's what the kid hears. Plus, if they know there'll be no consequences for ignoring you, they'll do just that. It's not until you finally get pissed and use your command voice to tell them to "SIT DOWN!" that they'll listen.
But by then the exchange has gone on WAY too long, and anybody who has to sit there and be a captive audience to it (like me, for example) is just FED UP with your spineless ass and wants to kick you out into moving traffic, along with the damn kid who won't fucking LISTEN!
ARRRGH!
My DH definitely doesn't get
My DH definitely doesn't get it. He thinks I'm being rude, but that's just too damn bad. At least I don't have to tell my kids five gazillion times to do something. One and done. That's the way I like it.
If I'm asking one of my kids to do something that's sorta "optional," like "Hey BS9, would you please bring me my glass of tea? I left it in the kitchen and I just got comfortable here on the couch. Hey, thanks, BS9. I appreciate it."
But if he's chewing with his mouth open? Talking when I'm trying to talk to somebody else? Interrupting somebody? HELL NO. There won't be a "please" uttered within ten miles of that boy.
It's "Close your mouth," or "Not now. We're talking."
How hard of a damn concept is it to grasp?
And if constantly saying "Please" makes the kids more polite, how come my skids have NO FUCKING MANNERS and mine both do?
Huh. Must be an oddity in the universe or something...
"All three of my skids have
"All three of my skids have the most insane amount of learned helplessness that I've ever seen."
You, too??? SS9 (almost 10) still can't tie his own shoes, and til just a few months ago he needed his daddy to turn on the shower for him!
None of them - not even SD15 - can get themselves up & out the door in the morning without daddy herding them start to finish.
I'm beginning to suspect it's the daddies. Too worried about hurting the poor dears' feelings to actually PARENT. (And HE's the one who wanted kids - not me!)
The amount of enabling is just pathological.
It is the daddies. I have
It is the daddies. I have two boys myself - ages 9 and 4 - who can get up and get ready to go without any real prodding from me. There's no yelling, no drama, no fuss, no nothing. Why? Because that's what I EXPECT out of them, and I don't tolerate any bullshit.
DH hates to see how easily I can get mine up and out of the house every morning. I keep telling him that it can be that way for him, too, if he ever grows a spine and actually stands up to his kids for once.
Next time it happens, YOU go
Next time it happens, YOU go in there and tell him he better not talk to an adult in your household like that. You then tell DH that either he starts disciplining him, or YOU will. His choice.
Enable much??? "What you
Enable much???
"What you allow will continue"
This is DH's problem. Not yours, its infuriating to watch, believe me I know!
"Enable much???" Are you
"Enable much???"
Are you saying I'm enabling this behavior? I'd agree with you if I jumped when the skids said jump, like DH does, but I don't. EVER. I either blatantly ignore them or snap right back and them and say in a kid-friendly way, "Fuck you AND your bitch-ass attitude."
"What you allow will continue."
And what, exactly, can I really do about it, beyond getting a divorce (which I'm trying like hell to avoid, or I wouldn't even be on this damn message board, btw)? DH knows I don't approve of his kids' shitty behavior or his tolerance of it. HE KNOWS. I've made it abundantly clear. He's trying - ever so slightly, but still... - to correct some of it, but every week they go back to BM's, all those old crappy behaviors are reinforced all over again, and we're right back where we started. I will continue to remain disengaged as long as they continue to act as they do, and I'll keep retreating to another part of the house - or out of the house altogether when needed - as long as I need to, and not feel a single SHRED of guilt over it.
"This is DH's problem. Not yours..."
I agree with this 100%. Yes, it is his problem. He and BM created these monsters, and I refuse to continue the cultivation. He wants me to engage with his children, and I'll continue to refuse to do so until they straighten up and act like decent human beings. He knows this. There's no gray area or secrecy here. He KNOWS this.
So until he grows a pair and starts expecting them to behave in a decent manner, it'll be business as usual, with ncgal ignoring the shit out of his precious snowflakes and tending to her OWN damn kids. GRRRR!
I think I got you beat. At
I think I got you beat. At 12, my SS was still getting DW to set the shower for him at the right temperature. Apparently playing with the faucet knobs to get the right combination of hot and cold water is like a complicated chem lab experiment.
Even now that SS is 14, I am still not convinced he knows how to wash his hair properly. Oh he'll apply the shampoo to his head, but he doesn't like lathering the shampoo into his hair. Last week DW took him for a hair cut and the hair stylist said she couldn't cut his hair because it was too greasy (he had showered that morning). So DW had to shell out the extra cash to give SS a shampoo wash before the hair cut.
GROSS! Does she not notice
GROSS! Does she not notice how greasy he is? I mean I bet he smells like some musty swampwater LOL