Um... when I met the ex, she wished me well I guess.. Her exact words were I think "ENJOY MY HUSBAND!!" That's nice, right? haha. Stupid NC, it took them like a year and a half to actually get divorced, even though it was uncontested.

The above 'meet and greet' happened right in front of the kids, naturally. So I just smiled and said 'Thank you, I am!' With the biggest smile on my face. Not biting that bait BM.

I don't know about "good", but at least it wasn't bad! We didn't do anything as formal as go out for coffee, but we chatted at one of the SD's school functions the first time we met. For the most part, I don't have a problem with her. I may not understand her, and I may not agree with her parenting choices, but I don't hate her or anything. Honestly, I think the thing that helped the most with our "relationship" (such as it is) is that I made it crystal clear to her, to the SDs, AND to DH that I would not be trying to fill a "Mommy" role. I'm an adult, and this is my house, and as such I expect common courtesy, manners, and for everyone to follow house rules (pick things up, put dishes in the dishwasher, etc). But I would NOT be parenting. Even simple questions like "can I have some ice cream" I answered "it's OK with me but ask your dad". I think that made me much less of a threat.

I think whether or not it's a good idea to meet with BM sort of depends on what you hope to get out of it - and what you're willing to do to get that. If you're hoping for a more cordial relationship, are you willing to actually listen to what she needs from you? And follow through? (I'm not talking anything crazy, but if she says, for example, "I don't want you disciplining my daughter", could you think about allowing DH to handle all discipline? The thing is, if it's not cordial NOW then there's a reason. So I wouldn't meet with her unless you're actually willing to change something to help have a better relationship.

If she is not high conflict, why not? I have read the No One's The Bitch book, bought it, and decided to send it to both my skids' BM and my bios SM for Xmas last year. Be the change you want to see in the world. Ok, i'll play.

Well, the BM who is truly a disturbed narcissistic nutjob, did not acknowledge it, did not respond, but bitched about it in a nastygram to DH.

That was the extent of our warming up to each other. I was a naive idiot... i saw the signs but did not want to believe them. After that she dragged DH to court and we spent a year in hearings (we won), so she is a lost cause.

BUT... i had a GREAT experience meeting with the BM in my first marriage, which was also a step situation. A much better, more functional one than now. After a few years of keeping our distance, my first husband and I started inviting his first wife and her BF over for dinner, my then skids and MIL were delighted, it was one big happy family. We went over to BM's house too. She remember her graciously playing with my son, her ex-husband's son, who was a little toddler. When i saw that, something in me melted... shifted.

That woman had CLASS! She taught me A LOT without saying a word. I am VERY grateful to her.

Gosh, i miss BM1! She was sane, classy and nice, and once I invited her out to dinner, just the two of us. We had a heart to heart that was pretty poignant. I will never forget that. She was and remains in a LT relationship, she had moved on, was not bitter, did not PAS the kids.

How about your BM? Does she have anyone? Might she feel that you are trying to take her place on SD's life?

I first met BM at SD's HS graduation. I think we made small talk for about 20 seconds and then went about our business. Me, personally, would not want to privately meet with someone my DH can't stand to be around. No need for it.

I have never "met" BM. She had never even seen me and was already calling me "the fat b*tch" to her kids. So I've never had the desire to sit down and have coffee with her...

Me and the BM got along ok when I was with the ex. Not to start with, but we could be cordial and I would avoid family things as I had no desire to be a replacement, so would not go to school functions etc - I would stay at home with BS, and she appreciated that. We get along well as the two exes, which drives him nuts, but we were friends before, so commiserate on our stupidity now!

BM (at the time) is remarried and gets along fine with her stepkids mom - they even go and do the school shopping for the 3 skids of hers together and split the cost! She has even babysat for the BM to her skids.

We however, really do not get along with the latest GF. Literally there is no civil communication for either of us as the 2 BMs.

So, providing everyone involved is sane and has the childrens interests at heart it can work just fine. One insane person and there is no hope. I really think in our situation (ex has 5 kids with 3 mom's and now his GF) the man is the problem, she is falling for his crap (been there, done that) so no hope.

I have only been around BM a few times and it's always been fine but she is very careful about who she shows her crazy to. So, it depends on what kind of BM you have.

If it's just tension at these get togethers that you are concerned about, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just be yourself and carry on as you normally would. It might be a can of worms not worth opening.

I personally have never wanted BM to be too comfortable with me. Better for her to be on her toes and on her best behavior, not quite knowing what to expect. But again, depends on what kind of BM you've got, this one over here is nuts (but a little afraid of me and that's okay).

our first meeting was fine, it was in the car, while dropping off SD, who was 8 at the time.

it was 5-6 seconds, 'hello- nice to meet you.' that's it. DH told me she was very charming initially- same as above- very careful to whom she shows her crazy.

The crazy developed FULLY after 2 yrs.

Well, in the case where I'm the BM, I try to be extremely nice to SM. And shouldn't I? She has to put up with me "reminding" HER husband where his kids need to be (and he's always forgetting and making double bookings). She also picks my kids up one day a week from school and lives with them 2 - 3 nights a week. I figure I better be nice to her and we are friendly.

I even helped the kids with a MOther's Day card and gift for her last year after she married their father. She cried when they gave it to her.

... but I'm nice like that and don't see the point in being mean or fighting.

Bm stalked me when I worked at the mall, after her third attempt she finally came in when I was working. I was 18, she was 22 at the time. She brought her items to the checkout and said she wanted to make sure I was good enough to be around her son. Um okay.

2 weeks later CPS is knocking at my door. Alligations of me abusing ss where filed against me. A week after that she needed a babysitter and I was all of a sudden okay to watch ss. 8 years later I still hate her guts!

Oh wow.. my first time interacting with BM, she threatened to beat me so bad DH won't recognize me lol needless to say, DH has SD full time and BM gets her sometimes on Saturday but that's not even guaranteed. I would never want to be buddy-buddy with BM, but it would be nice if we could at least be civil so I don't have to carry pepper spray with me to the pick ups and drop offs!

hmmm lets see! I have 2 stories. first one was when I met BM... she was nice enough and hubby and her were cordial. My first thought was "this is nice for the kids" Then she wanted to have lunch with me and asked my husband if we could all do Easter together!!! This may work for Will Smith and Jada but not for me! lol. I was weirded out! Things were fine for about a year and honestly, I only started having a problem with her when she started letting the kids do what they wanted. no curfue, no rules or responsibilities.

My second was with my kids new Step mom... it was 3 weeks before Christmas and she said IN FRONT OF MY KIDS were only gonna get them like 1 or 2 presents because that's what child support is for. SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!! needless to say, After the kids went to bed that night, he got a phone call

good luck!!

I tried to read that book but just couldn't do it.

I tried a few times to be cordial to BM but she wasn't having any of it.

Damn I'm tired. lol.

I can't stand BM. That being said, I met her early on due to the fact that I was going to be around her child quite a bit. I find it odd that a BM wouldn't want to meet their ex's GF or SM, but I guess that has to do with whose needs are being considered (the child's or the BM's). We met, we are civil, we communicate directly when necessary. We don't care for each other (due to the fact that she would love to have my DH back, and also because I know that), but we tolerate one another.

As a BM, I was always more than happy to meet my ex's new girls. I always liked them better than I liked him. I was always grateful for any bit of stability my kids would get while visiting their dad. I don't know that any of them ever had a problem with me.... but if they did, it was certainly not because they felt threatened by me. I definitely let him go when I let him go, and didn't look back. I didn't insert myself into their lives like so many BMs do (including the one I deal with). I left them alone. It's odd for me to think of myself from the BM side of things, as that part of my life was extremely drama-free. I honestly never thought twice about the dynamics at play; certainly never considered finding a support group.