What do other STalkers think of this. As I posted recently, my SS22 has for the second time flunked his final year of study and been granted a further year to retake. At the same time he has run up thousands of debt and generally messed up his life, also been diagnosed with depression -- whilst constantly partying. He had been a little estranged from DH since January because it was at that point I discovered that he, on a visit to us, was doing private browsing on our computer and that this involved a fake email identity for his subscription to porn sites. I then called a meeting with him and his dad and said he was banned from use of our computers or our wifi, to protect our sons. DH backed me up. SS then told a pack of lies denying this and that and made a scene and left, after which he ignored DH until recently, and indeed ignored all his family with whom he was quarrelling for separate reasons, as his flunking and debts all came to a head. Once the s--t hit the fan he was of course back in touch with DH and requested to live with us until July whereupon he intends to travel to his mom who lives in another country, and take up work there for a couple months then once again needs housing back here until he returns to his studies in January.
So the issue for DH is how to support the guy emotionally and get him to face up to responsibilities and start a working life (DH is realistic and admits that SS could well flunk again next summer so should start work now and be holding down a job throughout). The issue for me is how DH can give this support without SS getting his foot back in our door. The minute that SS started to behave badly on return to our home this month, I took evasive action and arranged for him to stay at a friend's apartment whilst she is away to end April. DH was desperate to keep him under his wing (sad and foolish) and said he would move to live in the apartment too, away from me and our sons, just to gee him along in case the depression took over and sabotaged him further. Now whilst this obviously is pretty neglectful of us, I played along with it because quite frankly, this way I don't have to be involved in SS at all and don't have to watch DH making an idiot of himself, which I would feel obliged to challenge if it were under my nose. DH has now sat down with SS to work out a budget for repayment of debts and sent him out hunting for work. SS from today has the work to rely on, but I don't know yet what it will earn him.
The issue for me and DH now is this. I have found an extremely cheap rental with a local family who interestingly enough happen to have children the same age as our bios. They have a spare bedroom that they can let out to SS from May on, but want to vet him to see if he will fit in. He can then stay there til July and try to manage his own life whilst remaining an occasional visitor here. That would work for me and normally would also for DH. But DH is in a terrible state of worry about SS and fears that without being taken under DH's wing and living with him from day to day, he will fail in his endeavours. DH claims that SS having been neglected in his childhood by BM, now needs to be shown superprotection and have daddy by him all the time. We on STalk of course know that it's the belated over-protectiveness of DH (who was complicit in BM neglect anyway of course) that will cause SS to continue to fail and I've tried to sell it to him that being in a normal family where he is a house guest will actually heal SS's woes and behavioural issues far more quickly than will dad continuing to trample the rest of us here at home.
So what I'd like your thoughts on is this. DH is stupidly not taking charge of the plan but is going to put the choice to SS tomorrow -- whether to be interviewed by this family or not. I've told DH that if SS refuses then there is no option for return but that he and SS will have to rent another place from May to July which will be far more expensive than either where they now are (which ends in May) or what the family would charge SS for a single room. That I'm not prepared to do the necessary constant challenging/supporting of SS on his behaviour which would ruin our family life here. But if SS refuses after my warning, I'm thinking of saying to DH that if he returns then he should pay us the same rental as he would have paid the family -- equalising the expense from his point of view. I am certain that the true motive of SS in wanting to stay with daddy is to save money on rental and no wish to be intimate with him. This way I hope to flush him out and cause him to choose to live elsewhere -- because from past experience I know that he actually does not like being here at all and, if cost were equal, would choose to be somewhere else.
What do you folks think of this idea? Would there be a better way of weighting the financial pressure/inducement on SS that would also sound attractive to a father? (bear in mind that DH will find it completely unacceptable to charge SS rent, but might go along with my plan if he thought it was good for him).