There was a glimmer...if only for a moment!
So, we went to BS19's college visit this past weekend. DH insisted he wanted to go (which was actually a shocker to me), but up until the last minute, he hadn't figured out what to do about SD15 (because she cannot be left alone in my house, I have made this perfectly clear). He said he was going to has his mom.
Well, his mom picked SD15 up from school on Thursday after "color guard practice". While we are on the road Thursday night, MIL calls asking about this supposed plan for SD15 to stay the rest of the weekend over at her boyfriend's house...supposedly to hang out with his sister (who is in the same grade SD15 is). I hear DH say that the boyfriend isn't supposed to not be there this weekend...that he will be over at his friend's house. MIL still doesn't think it is a good idea, but it is his decision as the parent. He gets off the phone, and I also point out that I didn't think this plan was the best of ideas (as I'm just finding out about it at this point), and I leave it alone after that.
We get home Saturday evening...DH had tried all weekend to contact SD15, but she wouldn't answer her phone, and barely answered texts. He finally gets her to answer the phone Saturday night. He finds out that SD15 had her boyfriend's mom pick her up from school mid-day on Friday because she supposedly didn't feel well (and was still not feeling well...yet, according to her Facebook, she was out and about doing all kinds of stuff on Saturday, and oh...surprise...the boyfriend is in a couple of the pictures). By not feeling well, she only said she was tired and couldn't focus! Yes, THAT is why she left school!
We pick up SD15 on Sunday morning on the way to church, and she is having the nastiest attitude on the planet...still claiming she isn't feeling well, that her knee is killing her (and she is still wearing that stupid brace that isn't doing anything), that her face hurts (she apparently hit herself in the face with her flag again...4th time this season), etc. At church, she has her phone stuffed into her knee brace, and her iPod stuffed up her sleeve, and she is on both of them the whole service, while she has her leg across 3 seats really playing up the knee thing (at other points during the day, she didn't have her brace on, and was walking around perfectly fine...no limp or anything). After church, she was still having a really bad attitude, and DH started yelling at her in the car about how she doesn't respect him and does whatever she wanted, and that when we got home she was grounded and was to hand over all of her devices! Unfortunately, the trip home was too long! SD15 starts with the water works saying that DH is ALWAYS mad at her and yelling at her, and by the time we get home, they were all made up and she was no longer grounded! UGH!!! Seriously!!! I just wanted to barf!
SD15 slept the rest of the day, while I made it perfectly clear to DH that SD15 WILL go to school today and that I will NOT go pick her up if she supposedly didn't feel well again! I know why she didn't feel well...it's called starvation. At least DH picked up on that, and made her eat yesterday. I told him I was done with her eating disorders, and he needs to do something about it...I'm done saying anything, and I will not run to her aid when she falls out at school or something from starving herself...he is on his own. This has been going on way too long with him being in denial.
They decided at the last
They decided at the last minute to change how they were going to do tryouts...so they are delayed a bit. The band directors do not want to deal with the drama, so they decided it best to bring in independent judges who will score the girls on skill. They will also have to go through an interview to try to determine their character/leadership qualities. They also decided there will be more than one officer...like captain and co-captain or something like that. Personally, I've seen her practice...she isn't all that good...not to be mean or anything. She constantly drops her rifle, and of course there is the face smacking with the flag. But again, she is trying out because she wants control of the squad, not because she really wants the squad to be any good.
how was a 15 year old
how was a 15 year old dismissed from school by anyone other than her parent or guardian? granted, she was staying at the boyfriend's house but that's hardly her guardian. a call from the school should have been made to your DH before releasing that child early to anyone.
Exactly...but DH will not
Exactly...but DH will not call the school to question them on that...he doesn't call the school about anything...doesn't verify if she really has practice for this or that, etc. At the very least, MIL should have been called as she is on the child's checkout card.
But if that is how DH wants to parent, oh well! Oh, and he is already trying to talk ME into do all the college stuff for SD15 like I did for BS19, after going on the visit this weekend and hearing from some of the folks that you can't start too soon on financial aid and all of that. Not my circus, not my monkey! If he really thinks SD15 will go to college, he has a computer and access to the same information I do. Get to gettin'! I'm done! Of course, I personally don't think she will go to college. She says she will, because she thinks that is what DH wants to hear, especially since so much fuss is being made over BS19 going to college. I personally see her knocked up before her senior year of high school.
thank god my fiance freely
thank god my fiance freely admits that his kid will never go to college. he also said again the other night (probably 3rd or 4th time he's mentioned this) that he thinks she will be pregnant within 2-3 years.
the sad part tho is that he doesnt care. he admits the reality which is awesome and more than some dads do, but doesnt care. so sad.
I'm glad you're not involved
I'm glad you're not involved in disciplining the kid at all and minimal comment to Daddy. You're on the right track there - keep up the disengagement as you especially cannot do anything that will save this kid. In fact when you do step in as you have in the past such as picking up the kid at school it just makes it easier on the bio-parent to let things slide. They don't see her dancing out the front door of the school when she's "Not feeling well".
Stick to it. Sounds like you're doing the best thing for all involved.
I tell you, it is so
I tell you, it is so frustrating! When DH started getting on her case about not respecting him, and doing whatever she wanted, and that she was going to start hearing the word NO a whole lot, and saying she was grounded from all of her electronics, I was cheering him on in my mind. I was thinking, "There you go...FINALLY...let her know who the boss is!!!" Then, she starts with the crying...the all out bawling! "All you do anymore is yell at me! You are ALWAYS mad at me!" That brings on cave city! Unfortunately, the ride home from church is about 45 minutes, and the last 15 minutes of that was all this sickening DH saying he didn't want to have to be mad at her, and them making plans about what movie to watch when we all get home, etc. GAG!!! The rest of the day/evening, SD15 is all trying to be sweet to DH (while she is awake) to the point I want to hurl it is so fake!
And so it will continue...SD15 will treat everyone like crap, and do whatever she wants. She had dear daddy where she wants him...just turn on those water works, and he will give in! She is one of THOSE girls! I can see it already whenever she starts driving...the first time she gets pulled over for speeding or texting while driving or anything like that, she will turn on the water works to try to get out of the ticket! Oh, and will be sure to stick out her chest while she is doing it! She should just bleach her hair now and get it over with (no insult to blondes here...I'm naturally blonde...it is the bleached ones giving the rest of us the bad rep)!
I had to go in and put in
I had to go in and put in information for BS19's absense for his college visit on Friday, so I thought I would take a glance at SD15's stuff while I was in there. On Friday, she left during the lunch hour, and somehow, the absence is marked as "excused with parent note". Really? I know DH did not write a note for her to take today. Hmmmmm.....
I also looked at her lunch charges...Thursday she did not eat lunch. I'm willing to bet she did not eat dinner (MIL wouldn't have pushed her to eat), either, and I KNOW she didn't eat breakfast before she left for school, and highly doubt she ate breakfast on Friday morning. Wednesday night she only ate a little bit of fried rice. Tired and unable to focus? Yup...starved herself sick!
I also noticed she is currently failing one of her classes, and she also got yet another tardy Friday morning before she left school. Not going to say a word to DH, however. If he isn't going in and checking himself, I'm not going to tell him what I saw. Let her fail that class! This is the last week of the grading period, and part of me is hoping she doesn't skim by to get a passing grade like she has the other periods. She missed a major test on Friday in this class, and has a couple of other 0's. We will see if she pulls this one out of her butt! If she doesn't, I'll pop some popcorn and see what kind of show it ends up being...will it be a sappy show, or will it have some action?
Oh, and the internet has been out since this morning! HA!! I have access through my data plan and the unlimited data plan that work has on my phone...no data for the dear princess tonight!
Sad thing is I'm starting to
Sad thing is I'm starting to really be concerned that she could potentially be preggers already! It could also be her eating disorder, because she is in a starvation phase again, but I've not seen her this bad during a starvation phase before, so I can't help it there may be something bigger going on in that body. Supposedly since Friday, she has been "exhausted", can't focus, just feeling blah all over. Yesterday she got home from school, and went straight to bed. DH had to go over to a friend's house to use the internet to do some work stuff (as ours is out, and the only internet we have is my hot spot from my employer). When he got home around 10 p.m., I told him that SD15 had been in bed since she got home from school. He made her wake up to eat a sandwich and take a shower. It could just be the toll of the eating disorder on her body (she just got off of a big 3 month binge phase, and has been back into starvation for a couple of weeks now). But if she is preggers, this thing would be even tougher on her body. I think she has gained a little bit of weight...and I can't tell you when the last time I was asked to by lady products for SD15!
If she does end up preggers, things will get really ugly around here! This I can promise! I'm pretty sure there is no way the marriage will survive it! I will demand that SD15 move back with BM, because I refuse to take care of a baby. I know how these two are...I'm the one who has to wake them up every day. Who do you think will be the only one to wake up in the middle of the night with a screaming baby? It won't be either one of them! I already sleep very badly (let's just say I'm really close to asking for separate beds, because DH's sleeping is getting worse over the years). I also know that things such as taking out dirty diapers and the like will never happen, SD15 will have nothing but attitude not wanting to take care of the baby, etc. Put up for adoption? Yeah, that suggestion will never fly! BM will demand that SD15 keep the baby because it is HER grandchild! And if SD15 does move back with BM, I can see BM demanding a butt load of "child support" from DH simply because it happened under HIS watch...forget that BM allowed SD15 to spend the night at a boy's house on New Year's Eve, has been promoting SD15 have a boyfriend since the girl was 9, and all the other crap that lead to her being dumped on us already a problem happened under HER watch (the drinking, pot smoking, skipping school, etc). Let's not forget, when I demand that SD15 move back with BM or move in with the boyfriend and/or the baby go up for adoption, DH will throw it in my face that I had BD23 when I was only 18 and my mom didn't kick me out of the house! BIG difference there...1) I took care of my baby, NOT my mother (and this went for financially, too...I had to go apply for everything there was to apply for); 2) I was already a senior, and made it a point to finish school (BD23 was born during spring break); and 3) within 5 months of BD23 being born, I was out of my mom's house, in my own apartment, working, and taking care of myself! Yes, I was on public assistance, but was OFF of public assistance by the time BD23 was a year old, because I worked! And I did seriously consider adoption, and my decision to keep BD23 was made solely on the fact that I knew I was the kind of responsible person who could take care of a child, and still do what I needed to do and never resent my child! That is the character I had! I hadn't really gotten into any real trouble up to this point, was not an entitled brat, made all A's in school...it was simply an unfortunate set of events and a bad decision that put me in that boat, and I knew I was going to love my daughter regardless! Again...big difference from SD15!
Now, I know DH will not take SD15 to a doctor...this has already been brought up with her "never feeling good"! I don't have the legal rights to take her to a doctor without consent of DH. Part of me is hoping she falls out at school or something where they are forced to call EMS, because then she can be looked at without DH having to give prior consent, as he already signed that paper for the school giving them permission to seek emergency medical attention for SD15 if something happens at school. In the mean time, all I can do is sit and wait to see what unfolds, and it is starting to make be nervous as I see things.
Never thought I'd say this
Never thought I'd say this but I'm crossing my fingers for an eating disorder diagnosis rather than a double pink line on a stick.
I too had my DD25 pretty young (just turned 20. My playing the odds didn't work out so well for me). And every year on her bday when we talk about her birth story, I end it with "You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me. My life came into clear focus and my decisions were made with purpose from that moment on." Who knows how long I might have drifted through life like so many do? In some ways my DD25 saved me.
Young pregnancy can be the beautiful beginning to refocusing a wayward life or a tragic prediction of disappointments to follow.
I'm scared for you and your SD and what may lie ahead. ((Hugs))
Yes, for some people, a child
Yes, for some people, a child whips them into shape. But what I've found, it is usually when that person has had responsible parents who actually taught them the right way to begin with. Like me...yeah, my mom was uber-strict, but I was taught those things that I needed to take responsibility when it came to a baby/child. I was always required to clean up after myself, I had chores since before I could remember, had my first job when I was 14, always had to be on top of my school work (or face the wrath of my mom...anything below a 90 and I was called a slacker), etc. So when it came to having and raising a kid, I already had the basic ground work...I only knew that I wasn't going to be a dictator like my mother, if that makes any sense. But I still expected my kids to be respectful, they were still required to clean up after themselves, they both had chores, they were required to keep up on their school work (didn't demand A's from them like my mom did me, but did expect them to keep passing grades), and both had some sort of job by the time they were SD15's age (BD23 started her own dog walking business in the neighborhood when she was like 13, and started working in a video game store when she was 16...BS19 started working as a bus boy for some friends of ours who owned a diner when he was 14, and had had a really good job at Lowes for over a year now). If either one of them found themselves becoming a parent, I am certain they would both do well...they aren't selfish or entitled...BD23 currently works two jobs...main job for her bills, and second job so she can have fun money. Neither of them have ever been as self-absorbed as SD15, who still will not clean up after herself even around the house! If SD15 wants or "needs" something, she expects you to buy her EXACTLY what she is asking for, regardless of if it fits in the budget or not (like if she "needs" makeup, she is not happy if I come home with stuff from the grocery store that works just as well as the more expensive stuff from Sephora...she just MUST have Sephora). Where did she learn this? BM!!! Another thing she learned from BM? You can always just get someone else to take care of your kids for you...remember, there is a live in babysitter at BMs for SD15's half brother! Also, while SD15 was younger, BM was always leaving her with everyone else to care for...her mom, friends, my SIL, us....SD15 was in diapers until BM couldn't find any that fit any more (yeah, like age 5 or 6 when BM finally quit putting diapers or pullups on the child). You can see the disaster here if SD15 had a baby...she doesn't have the selflessness, sacrifice, or motivation and it will certainly get dumped on someone else...more than likely me if I'm around! Oh HELL no!!!
Yeah, I'm praying it is just the eating disorders, but I'm keeping my eyes open for sure. Being prego is something you can only hide for so long, even with baggy clothing. It isn't like she is one of those girls who is so overweight you would never know if she were pregnant. I mean, she manages to stuff herself into a size 4 with a muffin top! Please let it just be the eating disorders...PLEASE!!!
i agree - pregnancy is not
i agree - pregnancy is not for kids that have been helicoptered their whole life. even if they want to be responsible, they have no idea how or where to start.
that's BM's problem now, at 42. her parents did everything, then at 18 her husband did everything. when he left, she had no idea how to function but fortunatley she was living with her parents so tehy picked back up where they left off. when tehy die, she will surely end up in the looney bin or she will need to find a new husband fast.
Can you bring the concerns to
Can you bring the concerns to the school nurse or her guidance counselor?
What does your CO/parenting plan state regarding pregnancy? I know my fiance's states his CS ends if SD13 gets pregnant and keeps the baby. i would hope in your case that CS is only for the "C" not the "GC" so BM should not be able to demand more CS.
if your SD is indeed pregnant and her and BM want to keep the baby then moving back in with her is more than reasonable a request. heck, BM can probbaly scam some public assistance with a teen mom under her roof.
Like I said...it would get
Like I said...it would get ugly! I'm pretty familiar with the custody laws here, and nothing really addresses if the teen gets pregnant. As for the support, BM has usually gotten her way with DH through threats and such...they haven't been to court since the divorce. Yet, when SD15 was still living with BM, BM would get increases by threatening DH. It's sad really! I'm actually ALMOST afraid for the boyfriend if it turns out that SD15 is or gets pregnant! BM is a master at screwing over baby-daddies to get what she wants, and she would most certainly train SD15 up in this area! I can see it now...BM will demand money from DH and instruct SD15 how to either force him to marry her or pay out the nose! We are talking the same woman who TRIED to use an increase in MY income as justification for DH to increase the child support a while back!
I don't know how useful going to the guidance counselor or nurse would be. I can see them calling SD15 in for a talk, she will deny everything, it will get to DH, and WWIII with no real solution to any of it...back to square one, but now with everyone taking their anger out on me. Shoot, we are talking about a school that let SD15 leave campus with someone not on her sign out list just last Friday, without even a phone call to DH! I'm seriously a bit concerned right now. Yeah, with the eating disorders she has typically been more tied than normal, but not like this. She is sleeping about every moment she isn't in school, and when she is awake she walks around like she has the flu or something! Add to that her attitude getting worse and worse...there is definitely something hormonal going on...either she is pregnant, or the eating disorders are taking a SERIOUS toll on her body now! Either way, DH needs to do more than just tell her to eat, but he won't take her to the doctor...shoot, he won't even take time off to take her to the dentist! Like I said, she needs to fall out at school...that is the only way something will get done!
i guess my only thinking on
i guess my only thinking on the nurse would be that she might see things in your SD that you do and being a medical professional, she might tell both parents to get the girl to her doc ASAP. and who knows - maybe she does in-office pregnancy tests. i mean they give out condoms and everythign else today.
You know, I don't even know
You know, I don't even know if SD15 had to go through the nurse the other day when she left school! I know that was old procedure, but old procedure was also that only a person on the student's pick up card could pick up the student if they were under 18. When BD23 was in the high school, she had some stomach problems (turned out she was gluten intolerant like me...but this was before I figured out this was also my problem, too). Whenever she didn't feel well, she was required to go to the school nurse, and then they would call me to come get her. With BD23, the nurse would actually talk to me about her suspicions when I picked up my daughter. This doesn't seem to be the case any longer. Again, sad!
DH opened his big mouth in
DH opened his big mouth in front of SD15 and now she knows he got a bonus at work! She is already starting to ask for all kinds of stuff! First on the list, a $60 dress for color guard captain tryouts! SERIOUSLY? Next she will probably "need" new shoes for that one day (which she will lose or have some other excuse for needing new "dance" shoes right before band starts, because she thinks she needs new "dance" shoes every 2-3 months, even though she hardly puts any wear on them...always manages to lose them). Oh, and she will "need" new makeup, etc. Oh, and she will probably start bugging about "needing" new clothes for summer, though she has shorts that she barely wore last summer and should still fit. He should have kept his mouth shut!!! DH NEEDS to get a tooth of his fixed, but I can promise you that he will end up having to put that on hold yet again until it breaks and then we are stuck taking out yet another line of credit to fix his teeth again!
THIS is why I will NEVER tell him about my promotion. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! He doesn't know appropriate times to talk about money...you know, like in private without any of the kids around. No, he brings it up in the car last weekend that his bonus should be in this check and should be $X...so it is no surprise to me that SD15 suddenly is having a laundry list of things she "needs"!