Stolkholm Syndrome
I brought this up in another thread and I really can't use any other term in our situation and I wonder if anyone feels the same. I seriously believe this is exactly what goes on with 1Sk, but I have never seen anyone professional or similar relate the two...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
I have 2 sks. 1Sk, the oldest DEFINATELY suffers from severe withdrawal, internalization and depression when BM rages, and or generally about the crappy situation hes in. In our home hes relaxed and happy with DH, reserved around me (12 years of being told to hate me - oh well). BUT BM has been on the warpath as of late, denying access, claiming I am abusive, claiming the kids are feared of me - 1SK is withdrawing again - he becomes physically ill. I genuinely don't believe he wants to go with her, and I suspect he simply doesn't but doesn't fight back.
2Sk is well - external - he seems to let it roll, but hes more like her - hes a bully, hes definant, rude, ignorant - all lessons from BM. Fight back - screw the world, I can do what I want...that ones going to hurt here pretty quick.
Anyone else have any thoughts on this??
Relating the effects of
Relating the effects of withdrawn stepkids, violent rages from BMP is exactly like Stockholm Syndrome. I think that's a great analogy.
Its really no different than being held captive and learning to attach to the abuser for fear of retribution!! When BM show rage and use their children as tools to gain access to what they want, are the worst mothers of all! But, where is the father in all of this? You've spotted the problem, does he care? Or or will you be dealing with this forever?
Most likely victims of Stockholm Syndrome need years of therapy from a professional. I hope your not expected to be that therapist?
You will be giving up alot of your time and energy to these kids that have already been damaged.
your husband needs to address these issues with the ex and take charge! And hopefully not expecting you to have to deal with his mess!!
OMG - there are times I
OMG - there are times I related 1Sks relationship to his BM as more than kid/parent - there is a different intimacy there, while I dont think its physical incest, it might not be a stretch to call it emotional incest....they have "bonded" over having the "same physical ailments", having both to "medicate these with the same and drinking their metamucil together" - its F* creepy. I have heard him speak to her and there is almost that "caretaker"...1Sk is a younger teenager, and this has been going on for years. he "worries about her when hes not around" 9bear in mind she DOES have a grown adult BF)
THANK YOU all for not
THANK YOU all for not thinking I am myself crazy for relating these.
Its SO EASY for people to preach "why doesn't he stand up to BM" and I would be lying if I didn't hope this myself - and the answer is FEAR and deep rooted loyalty to her, even though its built on fear, mistrust and abuse. hes SUCh a good kid, and yet will go along with her. I truly believe he thinks hes stuck living there, and that he has to do what it takes to please her. I think hes full os rage inside, and that its going to burst someday. Hes said things like "he needs to take care of her" , she makes him feel guilty, he defends her regardless of the truth.... I often say his mind is kidnapped
What I find interesting is that 2Sk is the complete opposite - hes full of external rage and definance - I believe this is the other side of PA, the more obvious one - an external hate on for his BD.
I hate to say this but feel I
I hate to say this but feel I need to be brutally honest! What you just described is what happened to my husbands oldest son!
I never met his son, but his mother was so hurt and felt abandoned by the divorce, she never let go. She replaced her husband with her son. Expectinghim to be the man, her arm to cry on, listen to her rages of the new women in his life, expected him to listen to every word said by the father. She tortured his soul so much that he felt guilty for living his father. He felt disloyal to her if he showed any kindness to the girlfriends his father had. Not letting anyone know he was in pain, he killed himself in his fathers office, leaving a note saying he was sorry to his dad for not loving him more, and sorry to his mom for not being tthe man she wanted. Sorry to his sister for his treatment of her, and not being a better brother.
devastating loss on the whole family.
When I have issues with my stepdaughter, I had to remember what she not only suffered with, but her mothers pain must be unbearable, and her loyalty to her as a child was learned, but now her loyalty is out of guilt.
This is why I feel so strongly about these aweful BM using their kids to fulfill a need! They disgust me.
There are no unwounded
There are no unwounded children in a divorce but 'usedup1' that's the worse result I've ever read. Unfortunately he ruined 4 lives when he did the deed and I'll bet you didn't get away unscathed.
I am so sorry, I HATE hearing
I am so sorry, I HATE hearing about these situations, sadly thou I think more end up this way than should. I can't imagine the heartbreak and I hope never to have to deal with it.
Your so right Orange
Your so right Orange County!
when I met my husband I had no clue he never received any counseling for this. Instead, he buried himself in his work.
I didnt have a clue this would affect my life the way it has. Every year at that time, I've been thru hell, from being told Im lucky I have all 3 of my kids who are well adjusted so I dont have a right to try and help! Or, the horrible guilt and shame my husband feels. His daughters issues were worse. I had to give an ultimatum unless they both get counceling, I cant live in such a dark emotional existence. Counceling helped and its still a struggle at times, but he's dealing with it head on. His daughter had so many issues, before this happened that it compounded them with the actions of her brother!
Her finding her power thru manipulation and targeting me is understandable I guess? I dont share this trauma with dad? Its a bond she shares with him and she will keep reminding him of this, anytime she notices him moving forward. It makes me sick watching what she's trying to accomplish at her dads expense!
I suggested she needs more counceling to help her stop projecting on others how she feels. This family was a huge mess when I came along but I was completely unaware of its depth!
I have 2 grown sons who I never could imagine holding hostage to get power and control back from my ex? That's their dad. When we divorced, I never said a bad word to them about their dad! Believe me, I had those conversations with friends. When my ex married a woman who never had children and mine were grown, my daughter complained of the new wife's treatment at times. The first thing I told my adult daughter was to understand she's never had kids, find out what your part was in why she's upset, and if your dad loves her than she must be pretty special in certain ways, so make a point of treating her with respect because that shows yourrespect for your dad... yes, it was hard at times biting mmy tongue sometimes.. but how hard is that? There would be so much more peace in these families and hearts of the kids if BM learns that her children are NOT extensions of her!! This forum wouldn't exist!
Hear, hear! You are so right,
Hear, hear! You are so right, LL! I agree completely.
Usedup, you are very wise.
Your story is very sad... i mean your DH's story. He is lucky to have you.