SS8 Won't Go to Sleepover Unless...
My SS8 has been invited to a sleepover at a friend's house. This is a big deal because this kid actually had no friends until just recently. He has some behavioral problems, and I don't know exactly what the deal is, but he's never actually had any friends until this school year. I feel bad for him.
Anyway, his friend invited him to a birthday party/sleepover for this weekend. SS8 has said he's willing to go to the birthday party, but refuses to spend the night at anyone else's house unless DH is right there with him.
DH tried to tell him it'd be fun to spend the night at someone else's house (SS8 has never been invited to do it before, so he's never done it), but SS8 absolutely refused to even think about it unless DH was there with him, spending the night right beside him.
These kids are the clingiest kids I've ever seen. They're all three that way. They refuse to do anything without BM or DH right there beside them. DH said he's not going to force the issue (because he knows SS8 will just throw a royal hissy fit if he's expected to actually go through with it).
It's just so foreign to me. Either one of my kids would jump at the chance to spend the night with someone else, and my BS9 has done so, several times with friends in the past. My kids are just so much more independent, in so many ways, than my skids. I don't know if it's nature, nurture, or a combination of both, but my stepkids are all three afraid of their own shadows.
I just wonder when (or even if) they'll ever outgrow it. If BM and DH have anything to say about it, they won't. I think they secretly enjoy their kids being SO dependent on them.
Has anybody else experienced anything like this? Does it get better as they get older? It seems like my skids get worse, not better, as time passes.
Also, this is a kid who
Also, this is a kid who spends all weekend wearing a plush dog costume at our house. He'll take it off if DH forces him to, but if he had his way, he'd wear it 24/7.
He's - well, he's...odd. To say the least.
My 14-year-old son hates
My 14-year-old son hates sleepovers. He always has. For him, it's partly an invasion of his space, partly that he's more comfortable in his own bed, and partly that he just gets tired of being around other people and wants to come home.
We usually just plan to pick him up around bedtime so he can have fun with the guys, but then come home and be happy in his own bed. It's just not everybody's cup of tea.
Edit: I should add, just as a point of reference, that my son is a very popular and attractive kid, leader of the pack, football player etc... So it isn't just the introverts that don't like sleepovers.
Were they not socialized when
Were they not socialized when they were young?
Parents really do their kids a disservice by not letting them out of their sight when they are young. My niece has been spending nights with me since she was 6 weeks old and with her grandparents since she was several months old. She has never been clingy with my sister.
And the dog costume, well.... I don't even know what to say about that!
I'm at a loss of words over
I'm at a loss of words over that costume, too. It's just bizarre, the way he clings to that thing and wears it all the time, even to bed, if DH doesn't force him to take it off. I mean, he's EIGHT for God's sake. He's a strange kid, and not in an endearing way, either.
You have a very interesting
You have a very interesting child-rearing philosphy.
These kids have been kept on
These kids have been kept on a VERY tight leash (no pun intended, with the dog costume obsession SS8 has) since they were born, and never spent the night with anyone else, ever, for any reason.
Maybe I'm weird, but I didn't do that with my kids, simply because I wanted them to get used to the idea of occasionally spending the night elsewhere. They've stayed overnight with both of my parents, a good friend of mine, and my 9-year-old has spent the night at friends' houses several times. They're both totally okay with the idea.
I understand about introverts, though, because I am one, big-time. Interacting with other people nonstop wears me out, but more so now than when I was a kid. I think I enjoyed spending the night at friends' houses partly because my own home life was hell. (My parents were a classic case of "staying together for the kids," but they really hated each other. NOT a practice I'd recommend.)
After interacting with people for a while (say, at a party), I am exhausted and HAVE to get away by myself for a while to recharge, so I totally get that!
We've spent the night away
We've spent the night away from home on vacation with the skids, and SS8 is okay with that, as long as DH is close by. He won't fall asleep alone. DH has to lie in bed with him for him to even think about lying down to sleep. He wouldn't be okay with staying anywhere without BM or DH there. He's said it repeatedly. They're all three wigged out by the thought of spending the night anywhere without at least one of their parents being there.
I don't really worry about any of them getting into any trouble if they spent the night with someone else. They absolutely refuse to, so it's sort of a moot point at this juncture.
They're just terrified to be away from their parents, and neither DH nor BM seem too concerned about it.
I had a (same aged) nephew
I had a (same aged) nephew who couldn't leave home like that. He was in the scouts and even pushed himself to go camping with the troop but when he got there he asked his Dad to take him home. He was also dyslectic although nobody knew why he couldn't read as the problem wasn't known back then. He just couldn't read. His mother spend months over the years helping him. She was also a very autocratic woman - a Czar of Russia - type. If you set the table the napkin had better be aligned just right. The punishment wasn't out of line, nobody got spanked unless it was deserved but nothing escaped her attention.
He turned out to be a swell fellow, got married, raised good kids and was a overall success in life. 340 people at his recent funeral (by actual count).
My point is the kid will probably will turn out just fine especially if what you've described pretty much sums it up. It sounds like he's got Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Asperger's. A lite case so to speak. He doesn't like change. Although something to deal with its hardly the end of his world. I would not make a issue out of this at school, getting him labeled as "special needs" putting him in special classes and what not. I think it would do more harm than good. But if Daddy wants he could take him to see a specialist on Asperger's and see what they have to say. He should beware of over treatment by these people and often money is the over-riding reason to prescribe programs and repeat visits.
So what if he doesn't do what your kids do? He'll excel in his own endeavors given time to grow in his own way and time. It really is OK to be different which is exactly what Einstein was called as well as retarded and underachieving.
I'm okay with him being
I'm okay with him being different from my kids. My own two kids are as different as night and day in some respects. That's fine by me. It's just been a bit of culture shock. I've never spent any time around kids so dependent, and it's something I just have to get used to.
My brother was sort of a "weird" kid, too, and got picked on a lot for it all through school. He was bookish, quiet, and very set in his routines. He hated change, and my mom worried about him a lot.
He turned out great, though. He works for Microsoft, helping develop things for their Xbox and Kinect programs (gave our kids a hellacious Xbox setup with all the gizmos and whatnot for Christmas last year), and he makes more money in a month than I make in a year. He's married, successful, and very happy with his life.
This kid will probably turn out fine. I don't see him becoming a drug addict or jailbird or anything. BM and DH have him in a special-ed program at school, and I guess it's necessary. He works with an occupational therapist for various issues he has. I don't know a whole lot about it, but I hope it's helping him.
"I think they secretly enjoy
"I think they secretly enjoy their kids being SO dependent on them."
^^^Sounds like that is exactly what is happening!
Being an introvert is one
Being an introvert is one thing, being clingy and dependent is quite another.
I guess if the parents are ok with the kids living with them forever....oh wait, you're married to one of the parents. Well, that's gonna suck.
That sums up my greatest
That sums up my greatest fear!!
I wish DH and BM would realize they're raising adults, not kids. They can't stay glued to DH and BM's side forever, and I'm afraid that that's what they're going to do.
Is his dad ok with him never
Is his dad ok with him never having any friends, ever? This is odd. If one of my kids wanted me to attend a sleepover with them at age 8, that would alarm me. I was never a big fan of sleepovers, but WTF is wrong w/ your SS???
I really don't know, and I
I really don't know, and I guess DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He and BM raised these kids on a tight leash, never letting them out of their sight except to go to school, and I guess this is the end result - three kids who never want to spend the night away from mommy or daddy.
He's not going to press the issue and said SS8 could do "just whatever's comfortable."
I'm staying out of it; it just struck me as odd, that's all. As they get older, I'm afraid they're just going to be more and more isolated unless something changes. They're all weird about going anywhere or doing anything without BM and/or DH being present.
That's sad. Raised on a tight
That's sad. Raised on a tight leash, then the parents get divorced, making the kids even more klingy. They need to incorporate some independence!!
BM and DH obsessed over
BM and DH obsessed over making absolutely sure the skids were totally sheltered and coddled throughout the separation and divorce, and they went overboard in my opinion. I'm not saying divorce is easy on kids - it's definitely not, most of the time - but you can take the "loving concern" a bit too far.
Every time SS8 started crying about the divorce, either BM or DH (depending on who he was with at the time) would do whatever it took to get him to stop crying and saying "sad things." I mean WHATEVER it took. Ice cream, presents, money, shopping trips, you name it. They did it with all three of them, but SS8 really took advantage. He figured out pretty quickly that crying and talking about how "sad and lonely" he was since the divorce got him TONS of great rewards, so he kept it up for a looooong time.
Even now, when he does something wrong and gets busted, he'll trot out the old tried and true, "But I've just been soooo sad since you and Mommy split our family up." (*cue tears rolling down cheeks*)
Then it's "Okay, okay, SS8! Please don't cry! Look, don't worry about what you did. You're still in the grieving process over mine and Mommy's divorce, that's all. Please cheer up! Hey, how about I take you out for some ice cream! Would that help make you feel better?"
...And just like that, the misdeed is totally forgotten.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
But when is he instilling
But when is he instilling problem solving? When my kids are down, or have a problem at school or what not, of COURSE I want to kiss their booboos, I'm their mom- and the oldest is 24! But I give some brief sympathy, then unpack what's happening with them and get on to get them to think about SOLUTIONS. You're SS's future teachers, bosses and SO's aren't going too really CARE that his parents got divorced ages ago!
Oh, I know. That's why I
Oh, I know. That's why I just roll my eyes (out of sight of anyone) and walk away when I see DH fawning all over him.
Maybe I'm a heartless bitch, but BM and DH separated FOUR YEARS AGO. FOUR YEARS. I mean, damn. This kid has been milking it for all it's worth. I think it's time for DH to man up and teach the kid to face his problems instead of just crying about them and expecting everything to magically be okay again because he shed a few tears and said the right things to push DH's buttons.
But what do I know? I'm just the stupid stepmom.
I also encourage my boys to
I also encourage my boys to get out and do things on their own, and not wait for me to be right by their side to do everything. My stepkids weren't raise this way AT ALL. They have to have BM or DH right there, often literally holding their hand, for every little thing they do.
My son, who's nine, loves to do things independently. He's just not the sort of kid who wants Mommy taking care of things he can do for himself, and I think it's part personality, but also partly in the way I raised him. I let him take the cart back to the store while I put groceries in the car. DH and BM would NEVER let their kids do such a thing. "Oh GOD! He could get hit by a car! Somebody could snatch him! Think of all the awful things that could happen to him!"
Girl, please. He's pushing a cart maybe 50 feet back to the store, or to the little cart corral thing. He's big for his age, too, and looks a lot older than he really is. He's very tall - the tallest in his grade - and looks about 10 or 11 at least. Nobody's going to screw with this kid.
I just don't want to end up with an adult child who's afraid to walk out the front door without me right there beside him, telling him every two seconds that everything's going to be okay.
SS8 blows my mind. Truly. Bathing is a big issue with him. He refuses to wash himself, and won't take a shower. Just last night, he insisted that DH give him a bath, and of course DH did. All I can do is shake my head at this nonsense. "But Dadddeeee, I don't know how to wash myself! You HAVE to come do it Daddeeee!" DH tries halfheartedly to get SS8 to wash himself, but he just won't. SS7 is the same way, and SS9 tries it occasionally, but does seem a bit more interested in doing things for himself. SS7 and SS8 are just totally helpless.
Then last night (as he does every damn night he's at our house), SS8 refused to lie down and go to sleep because DH said he didn't want to lie down with him until he fell asleep. SS8 whined and cried (literally) until DH went upstairs to lie down with him. This happens every damn night they're at our house, and it's disgusting. It takes DH about an hour and a half to get those three kids in the bed, and even then, they normally won't stay there. They get up repeatedly, telling DH they need a drink of water (which HE is expected to fetch for them), they heard a noise, they're scared to sleep alone, blah blah blah. It's after 10:00 most nights before they fall asleep.
Ugh, that stupid dog costume. I want SO BAD to make that thing disappear, but DH says we shouldn't get rid of it because SS8 would be devastated. Allrighty then. Let him be "the weird kid" in his class. It bugs the hell out of me, but if I try to do anything about it, then I'M the bad guy for making the little snowflake cry.
It sounds like you and your
It sounds like you and your DH have some differences in your parenting, which is okay when the kids are thriving, but you would think that he would see the differences. What I mean is, I have a family member who home schools and is very "helicopter mommy" and I guess I would fall under more "free range mommy" buuuuttttt, we both have well adjusted thriving kids so you can't really say one of us is right and the other is wrong, make sense? Where in your situation, your BS is thriving and SS seems very immature/young for his age. Every kid develops differently, even from the infant stage: when they walk/talk/potty train/stop taking naps etc. I don't think that this goes away, I commented a very similar view on a post yesterday about an 8 year old struggling with reading. What I'm saying is, some of your SS's behaviors would likely fix itself in time (he will not walk across the graduation stage in that silly costume) but the issue here is really with the BM and the BD. They are completely enabling/babying even encouraging and THAT is much different then a kid coming to their own.
My bios are six now and even though I used stereotypes above which I don't normally like, I do find it hilarious the looks I get sometimes for being laid back/"free range" For example, I recall a time at a local park, there were maybe three other kids playing and my one bio was probably 3. He is a BOY, always has been- dirt/cars/dinosaurs boy boy boy! He was trying to climb up the slide and I was watching him to see if he could figure it out. No one was by him, he wasn't bothering anyone and it was not an unsafe height and the playground had that soft rubbery stuff anyway. This mom started talking very loudly, obviously on purpose, about how "that boy's mom should do something, he could get hurt, that's not appropriate to teach him blah blah blah." Well my son did fall, looked at me and I gave him a reassuring look and he tried again, in the meantime her child walked right in front of the swings when a bigger kid was swinging, got slammed into and went into a hysterical meltdown screaming and she ran and tended to him for an absurd amount of time. Don't get me wrong, if my child was hurt of course I would be there, but some parents just baby their kids and don't give them any kind of freedom. They want them to be these robot children that just do the right thing after a talk or being told. My philosophy when my son was that age was, this kid is brave and needs to learn his limits and what is safe or he will end up getting hurt. Yes, my kid is the one who jumps off the playground, jumps off the swing, wrestles with the other kids etc., but my kid will never walk out on ice over a lake or river, run into the street without looking both ways, think it's a good idea to see if his foot will get stuck in wet cement.
At 4 years old my kids could entertain themselves while I went to take a shower/straighten my hair etc. They knew how to pour milk into a cup, get themselves a granola bar or cereal and make a peanut butter and jelly. Was my kitchen counter messy after? Yes, they were four year old boys! Part of teaching them to make a sandwich was teaching them that you wipe up your mess with a paper towel afterwards. I guarantee all of the kids mentioned who can't do these things can download a new app and learn how to play a game they have never seen before, if that is the case, they can learn how to microwave a pancake and close the freezer. My kids took pride in doing things for themselves, but it isn't easy to teach them, you have to be patient and use repetition and watch over them the first 50 times, but when they get it they are so excited. I get where the parents are coming from to an extent, the other day my bio came in, hopped on the counter, grabbed the first aid kit, put neosporn on a cut and a bandaid without asking for any help or saying a word (yes, my baby is growing up and that is bittersweet) but a lot of these other kids, I don't know how they will make it in the world. Does your SO honestly expect to just send this kid out into the world at 18 and he will have life skills from his home ec class he had in fifth grade once a week?
I'm not perfect, no mom is, I still have plenty to learn and still make mistakes. My kids are well adjusted to their blended family and I don't make excuses for them, I am hard on them, this is the world and things don't go to plan so you adjust and make new plans and when those don't work you do it again.
I'm the same way. Let the
I'm the same way. Let the kids test their boundaries, and of course I'd administer first aid if they got hurt, and an encouraging word, but to just absolutely fall to pieces because the snowflake got a wittle bitty scratch? Good LORD it drives me crazy when parents do that.
When the kid sees the parent freaking out, they get scared and freak out, too, which makes the parent freak out more, and then the kid freaks out more...on and on. I've seen it a hundred times with my skids. They spaz over the tiniest little boo boo and carry on for the LONGEST time.
Mine get up, dust themselves off, get a Band Aid if necessary, then go back and play some more.
I just hate the thought of these three kids ending up living in my house forever because the real world is just too scary for them. UGH!
Amen Blender. As a parent,
Amen Blender. As a parent, your heart is in your throat everytime you give them bigger parameters. But you have to (gradually) push them out of the nest or they'll be emotionally/socially crippled!
I wish I could get DH to see
I wish I could get DH to see this. He tries sometimes to get them to do things independently (he's starting to see the vast difference between his kids and mine), but it really bothers him to do so.
I told DH that I'm going to start expecting my 9-year-old son to do more chores around the house, and to learn to do things like sorting laundry, ironing, washing dishes, etc. These really are things that you sort of have to learn how to do, and it's time he started learning these things. DH said, "But he's too young to do that." "Not at all," I said. DH finally admitted that he didn't like the thought of my kid learning to do these things, because it makes HIS oldest son look bad. I told DH that he's the only one who can change that. If he wants SS9 to start learning how to do things, that's on him. I'm not about to teach any of my stepkids these things. I don't have the patience to endure all the bitching and whining they'd inflict upon me for expecting them to do stuff. I'm already "the bad guy" often enough as it is!