Why I disengaged
A typical weekend:
SD7 comes on Thursday night, I make a yummy dinner, drive her to the bus stop in the morning, Friday night, we do " fun " food, like pizza, or she can help me make burgers on the grill, Saturday, I make her a super duper ballet bun, I drive her to her gymnastics lessons, then in the afternoon to the trampoline place, then let her watch a movie before bed, Sunday breakfast at the diner where she gets her favorite chocolate chip pancakes, then we spend most of the day on the beach, I bought her several cute bathing suits , a mask and snorkel, a boogie board to play with, I bring lunch to the beach, schlep the beach chairs, towels, drinks etc along... then home.. she takes a shower... and the water runs.. and runs.. and runs... I knock on door, SD7, no need to take a 45 min shower, please finish up.. no response.. water runs.. I raise my voice.. PUHLEEZE finish up... .. no reponse.. I YELL.. TURN THE WATER OFF NOW !!
She comes out of the shower, pouting, grabs DH phone and calls her BM... ( insert name ) screamed at me, she's horrible, I want to come to your house moooommmyyyy !!! I get vile and evil text messages for the next 48 hours how I dare abuse the princess.
It doesn't matter how much or what you do. You will always be the loser. Always. no exception. That's why I disengaged and I can only advise everybody else to do the same. Volunteer for homeless people, kids with no parents like orphans, give your money to the humane society. Rescue cats. take up bodybuilding. Every thing you will do for yourself, for your community or a stranger will be more rewarding than anything you will do for skid (s)
Lesson learned. Feel so much better !
screw that....I was once
screw that....I was once engaged in Princess Boys' life until I figured out that no matter what I did I was the bad guy...ALWAYS WILL BE...all I had to do was give rules and BOOM!..i was the bad guy....fuck that...no more...I have been disengaged for 18 months now......and I mean I do NOTHING for him or with him...I take him no where nor do I buy him a damn thing.....
Glitter.. yep.. on my way to
Glitter.. yep.. on my way to do the same. tough shit for SD7, there is also SS10 who I get along with pretty ok, we do fun stuff together and she is just the third wheel tagging along if there is no other way, I mostly ignore her, I don't do her hair, don't drive her anywhere, or buy anything for her , period. Stopped contributing to her savings account ( which I opened, and I am the only one putting money in, BM doesn't have a pot to piss in, and neither will SD7 )
I have a bunch of stray cats who live in my backyard. I feed them, make sure they don't reproduce and when one is very sick, I take them to the vet. DH asked me the other day about how I feel about SD7. I said " well, she just exists. Like my cats out in the backyard". He's not thrilled about it, but understands. ( Actually, I like any of the cats 10 times better but didn't say that
SD7 unfortunately did not win
SD7 unfortunately did not win the DNA lottery, She is mini-BM, always angry, everything is " not fair " temper tantrums galore, always has to be " first " and is a constant, relentless attention seeker. I had to disengage from her to save my sanity and my relationship. I feel bad for her, because SS10, who is much different and actually behaves like a human being ( well, hes 10, but hes ok for a 10 yr old ) gets to do a lot of stuff that she just doesn't. BM has no resources to speak off, while I do, so I don't mind doing things for the kids, I would pay for sleep away camp or tennis lessons BUT NOT IF I GET TREATED LIKE SHIT.
You behave like a decent human being, you get a reward. You are an asshole, you get nothing. That's how life works. guess its a lesson SD7 will learn, maybe not. In the end, doesn't matter to me. She can stay wrapped up in her angry little world created by her angry BM and the 2 of them can just live in drama world until the end of time. I'm going to the beach
thats the way it is with my
thats the way it is with my skids. one has been nice to me and civil, and gets treated well. the other only gets the bare minimum as civility requires.
no use rewarding bad behavior. some children have no understanding of consequences because they have been spoiled for so long. life teaches these lessons the hard way.
NOTHING is good enough for
NOTHING is good enough for some stepkids. I'm sure there are some out there who appreciate it, but I'll be damned if any of them live in my house. Mine are like a black hole. Throw all you want into it, but you're never going to get ANYTHING in return except for heartache and grief because they STILL believe you need to be doing more, smiling more, forgiving their bitchiness, always ready with a smile and a hug, and whatever else their little heart desires at that particular moment.
That's why I disengaged from my three stepkids almost immediately. I picked up on the "Enough is never enough!" mentality and just checked out.
Let DH cater to their every whim, drive them wherever they want to go (but not leaving any behind for ME to look after! Oh hell no!), listen to them vent and bitch about not getting to do and have everything they want. I just don't care anymore. Not my problem.
It is SO liberating to just not give a shit anymore!
And as someone else said, from that point on, the most they can bitch about to BM is that you ignore them. Well hey, they're going to bitch to BM about you anyway (especially if BM likes to hear shit like that), so don't give them anything else to talk about. "She ignores me." Aaaand that's about it. Ungrateful little brats.
ive been disengaged for about
ive been disengaged for about a month now.
it hasnt been that hard for me, but I never was fully ingrained myself in terms of taking care of SD. i would help her on occasion with her homework, cook dinner for all three of us (because i cook every night anyway) and i took her to the mall once but that was more to get her out of her dad's hair for a few hours as he was up against a deadline.
so for now i dont cook on the 2 evenings she's with us, i go out and run errands, hit the gym, etc. i basically politely ignore/avoid her. i talk to her when i have to but im just done with her lies, manipulations and general disrespect for all adults in her life, not just me.
ive been much happier and fiance and i have not fought at all in teh past month.
I have recently done just
I have recently done just this... I'ma bit of a control freak, so its hard for me to truly let go, but i have.
Whe SD was here last time, I read my book, had wine, chilled out in another room. We went to inlaws for dinner, so I went with them.
DH played taxi service, catered to what she wanted for dinner, dealt with her the next day, ie breakfast, lunches, etc.. I didn't touch any messes, didn't lift a finger for anything related to SD. It was soooooooo nice! I know that everywhere else in her life she is coddled, so I do know she complains that I don't. Oh well...
My only question is this- Calypso- things have been quiet etc.. but do you think resentment is building? I wonder about my situation. DH and I may not be fighting, but I wonder if he is silently upset with me....
yes, i do. things have felt
yes, i do. things have felt "off" the past month but for now ive chalked it up to the fact that we've just come out of this custody battle, we are both extremely busy at work, havent exercised, we just moved, etc.
we are headed on a cruise next month - im hoping we can reconnect and have some genuine couple time without reality getting in the way.
i KNOW he wants us to be a family. i really wanted that too, especially since i have no kids of my own (never wanted them). but SD is a carbon copy of her mother coupled with the fact she's gone 13 years with never hearing "no". i simply cant tolerate her disrespecting me or her dad, and pretty much every other adult in her life particularly when i cant do a darn thing about it.
we are the same person. we
we are the same person.
we are cruising next month too!(so happy for such expensive wifi! SD and BM can't screw with him.)
DH truly wants to be a family. It makes me nuts how SD makes him beg for scraps of her attention and he is constantly at the mercy of bitch BM.
But of course, there will be pouting, bc we booked this thing, then SD freaked bc her 'grad' is during the time we are gone. (Grade
He will be sad he's missing it, yada yada..
I never wanted kids either, and am perfectly happy with the two of us, and SD EOWE. Or rather, I USED to be happy with it. SD and BM have a creepy dynamic and it has gotten to me.
BM has gotten better since
BM has gotten better since the custody battle. i think she realizes she could have lost some custody (or more specifically CS) so she has been better about communicating with my fiance. but btoh of them continue to let the child make decisions, ask her input, etc. i just dont get that style of parenting. often times its little things, but annoying. The other day and and i wanted take out from one place, she wanted something else. so i said "why dont you tell her we are going to the place we want". "he said, its right across the way, i can go to two places". just stupid IMO.
where ya cruising to? and YES, the lack of internet is the best. no SD/BM and for us, no work!!
same here. BM has been
same here. BM has been unusually human, and that to me means something is up. (dh has his head in the sand)
SD has far too much input, and it is ridiculous.
Get this, SD hates counselling, so she has been playing DH so that she doesn't have to go. They've had 3 good visits, she has been affectionate to DH, (nothing to do with the new iPhone...) :sick: He actually asks me, "so things are better now, right? SD doesn't think she needs counselling anymore. Things are ok. What do you think?"
I restrained myself from calling him an idiot, and said, "The parents in her life make that decision in combination with the therapist. NOT THE CHILD."
We are cruising Greece! How about you?
Bahamas - not my fave place
Bahamas - not my fave place in teh world, but its warmer than MA and we can drive to the port (NYC). cant come soon enough!!
NCGAL, a black hole, very
NCGAL, a black hole, very well said, feel absolutely the same. Sometimes off course I get sucked in again, she wanted me to teach her how to ride her bike so I helped her a bit until she got that whiney attitude again, stopped pedaling and I thought wTF am I doing and excused myself and did something else. I am crazy madly in love with DH, otherwise, I would have thrown the whole crew out on the street, they live in MY house ( all in my name only ) and its a duplex so I can shut them out and remove myself from drama land.
Good tips everybody, you all rock on.
thanks for your post it
thanks for your post it really has hit home. like a previous poster admitted, i am also a bit of a control freak so letting go is really hard. i can buy them sweets toys and play with them when their dad is sat there on his phone nearly falling asleep (cos of long shifts) but they'll always never appreciate it and lick their dads arse.
Yup...or they can treat you
Yup...or they can treat you like crap for years, and you continue to fall over backwards giving, giving, giving. Showing an interest in their life. Going out of your way to do nice things for them. Tolerating their crap. Taking their abuse, including when they have moved in and are living with you full-time so 24/7 nastiness. Continuing to give, give, give. Continuing to forgive, continuing to be thoughtful. And then one day when they are in their 20's with a SO of their own and you are still giving, giving, giving, for example have these adults over for dinner regularly and cook wonderful meals only to have your DH's adult daughter say just loud enough for you to hear "my step-parents have never done anything for me"
Ya, unbelievable.
Now, well, I've made her words come true.
SO much less stress
all i can say is, "good for
all i can say is, "good for you." no more being a doormat for spoiled princess.
as long as princess is indulged, things are fine, but as soon as you put some reason into her actions, you are made out to be the bad guy.
you are being taken for granted.
i am glad you are drawing a line in the sand. this entitled little brat needs to know you will not be used any longer.
i hope you did not reply to any of the bm text messages. best to just let her rant with no response. no need for you to take abuse from her either.
you will feel better and better the more disengaged you become.