I guess it depends on why you disengaged and your level of disengagement. For me, disengaging had very little to do with the kids and everything to do with the fact that I was losing my mind doing everything for the kids and DH was getting to relax and be lazy in his parenting.

So what I stopped doing were the duties that I perceived to be "parent's only" jobs and only engaged in the fun stuff.

So, if SD asks for help with homework- Absolutely
If SD doesn't do homework- not my problem

If SD asks me to color/play a game/do an activity- Sure!
If SD is watching TV for four hours- not my problem

If SD asks me to cut up some cucumbers/make a pbj sandwich- sure thing
If SD decides to eat cookies and pepsi for breakfast- not my problem

When I go shopping I make sure there is shampoo/soap/toothpaste
If SD doesn't shower for three days- not my problem.

I talk to them, do fun things with them, engage with them, but I don't nag them, follow up on parent things, talk to teachers etc.

There are different levels of disengagement, you just have to find one that works for you. There can be a balance.

I did not ignore SD when she over, I did not swoon over her, either. If I felt like doing or buying something for her, I did, but it was not expected of me and I did not over do it to the point that it would be expected of me. Basically, I treated her like I would if a friend was over with their child. Respectful, but not my kid.

My husband had no problem taking care of his daughter without any help from me, so that helped a lot. He did, at one time, wish for me to be more involved with her but I just told him, "Sorry that she has a crappy BM but I am not her mother and she is here to spend quality time with you."

We did do things all 3 of us together but not everything and I declined taking her shopping with me or out to lunch for "girl's time".

People that have gone full on disengagement had step kids that warranted it by being completely rude, disrespectful and misbehaved. If my husband had allowed my SD to act like that, I would have went full on, also.

I disengaged but taught one step-daughter how to drive. But when she asked if she could go to the Mall I said "Sorry can't do that - ask Mom" But Mom said don't call her at work. "Sorry should have thought of that before you lied to me".

Disengagement doesn't mean you're rude, hateful or ignore them. If they speak respectfully you act like any normal human and respond. You've obviously made a point. They're getting it. Now you can start easing up. If they respond nicely when you say "hello" then say hello when you meet. If they ask for help - give it.

If they slip up and start sassing tell them "Don't start that again" in hopes they'll remember and stop.

It's not like a stop sign - its not absolute.

As an outsider, I see two kinds of disengagement. One is just used as a weapon, the other a natural consequence.

Disengaging for me was NOT ABOUT THEM...That is what makes it so hard to fathom now, because EVERYTHING has been so centered around them for 26 years...They cannot fathom it is not about them...When I had an angry response to my SS regarding a personal matter...I realized that, I needed time away from everything to work on me..to see what was causing the anger I didn't even know existed, and to give myself the time and attention I needed to reset my priorities, and renew my perspective of how my life was going....When I stepped off the merry go round they are all riding..I realized they are going no where but around in circles dealing with the same issues and solving nothing...The process was toxic, unhealthy, and damaging to my family....

I now have no desire whatsoever to go back to the way it was before...and they do not know how to do it any other way because none of them have gotten the help or in touch with the resources needed to overcome the obstacles that keep tripping them up...I have, at this time changed my entire focus to the things in life that bring me joy...and freedom...

My DH can see the change in me and wants freedom for himself...He is trying, but, they are using everything they know to try and keep him back...because it is not where they are...We love them, but we are not going to stay "stuck" in a process that accomplishes nothing. except keeps them in the center of attention...living in the past...same old argument...same old outcome....NO THANK YOU...

I have a new found respect for myself and my family to spend another minute in that soap opera...It is unhealthy, toxic, chronic, and poison to our family....

I feel like they are screaming to their DH..."Hey..Where you going? Get back on this Merry Go Round with us..Damn It... They cannot see IT ISN"T about them....It is about discovering a new "Us"...they are all adults married, with children of their own...They are now making aggressive attacks against my DH and I to "punish" him for choosing to be free...The only thing they are doing is pushing us further and faster into something more peaceful...We are now thinking about re-locating...NOT IN RESPONSE TO THEM...but because we would like to live in a warmer climate for our senior years...

We will be leaving...set out on a new adventure...I can't wait....We did not make our decision based on their ill treatment or on them at all...They are all adults now, and "Parenting" season is over...We have paid our dues...now it is time for them to raise their children, and have families of their own...That is the way it is supposed to work...it is called the circle of life...We won't be in this world forever...their BM passed away 2 years ago...and when their Dad passes away...then Who are they going to hate? I really don't desire to be around all that nonsense...but mores...I want to go catch some sunsets with my man before we get too old to enjoy them...

Yes..they were put up on a pedestal as a result of a divorce that happened 30 years ago...Time to move on...grow up...and act like adults...That drawn- out, overplayed, milk-it-for-all-it's-worth, chapter is over...There is sooooo much more to life than this worn out song.....And By God, I am going to go and embrace it, and not allow anyone keep me from discovering it any longer...

The beautiful thing about disengaging is....is...you don't have to get a new man, or change your environment to leave...you just choose not to be there any longer. What you focus on you empower...I just chose to focus on a new way of living...the quality of my life...and living it with intention...."no more regrets" no more wasting time on THEIR past (It isn't even MY past)...and no tolerating anyone to hold my present and my future hostage with their past...they no longer have me for an audience..I choose what will occupy my energy and time...I decide...I no longer am a victim...it is no longer waiting to see what will "happen" to me...I have already (gotten off the merry go round to no where)...Their choice to stay on that nauseating ride is no longer any of my business...I basically agreed with them..."Their family is not any of my business"

Someone forgot to tell them that their argument that "They were here first"...(quoted by a 41 year old just last week)......no one told her "It isn't how you start, but how you finish in life that matters"...And I am going to end it on a high note...Time to enjoy the time I have left...

You've asked a great question, and in my opinion, an important one. I do not believe that using disengaging as a weapon (ie ignore/walk away/make the other parent do everything strategies) is disengaging at all. If a person is still angry or feels the need to hurt or put someone in their place, they haven't disengaged. When you disengage, it's for you and your sanity only. And you don't feel mad or hurt, you just go about your business - not caring about what's going on beside you.

My kids are a bit older, but here is how it works for us (INCLUDING my bio son, I might add!). This is a response I wrote to someone else a little while ago..

I always advise that disengaging isn't about punishing or being right, and it's not about being a doormat or tolerating bad behaviour by ignoring it - it's about creating your world for you, and only doing what you want, when you want to. What are the things that bother you? Address those, and suddenly none of it feels so bad anymore.

For me, that meant no longer driving the skids to and from school or any other events/parties/appointments (they either use public transportation, which they or my husband pays for, or my husband will pick them up). I will go with my husband, if I want, though!

Never doing any laundry on their behalf - I taught them how to do their own, and it is up to them. Never ever making them breakfast or lunch, unless it's something I want to do - they know how to pour cereal and heat soup or make sandwiches. And I never mention meal times anymore (as in, it's 12:30 skids, have you had lunch yet? They are perfectly capable of answering the hunger call, no need for me to get involved.)

It means that if you didn't mention to me that we are on the last bag of milk/the last two slices of bread/the last portions of cereal etc., then you will go without - tell me before you get to the end, and I will pick it up when I am out. But if you don't mention it, don't expect me or your dad to go and get anything for you. You will have to find a way to make do.

It means being able to say things like "Skid, if you continue to ________, you will be asked to go to your room. Please decide if you are going to stay here with the family and have a good attitude, or if you would prefer to go to your room and be by yourself."

It means never again attending another parent teacher interview/doctor appointment/therapy appointment. It means letting my husband take the skids to see his family if I don't want to go.

It is gently nudging my husband when they are not clean, haven't done their chores, didn't do their chores fully, etc. and leaving him to handle it. I never ever speak to them directly about this anymore. Same for anything to do with education or health. (This was the last bit of disengagement I had to do.)

Nowhere in any of this do I ignore the kids. But I don't get my hands in everything either. Sometimes we have great conversations about life. Sometimes I do things for them because I want to. I've recommended a few times the book Radical Acceptance and I will to you too - great tools for finding your own inner peace!

Really depends on your specific situation

In my case, my DH's eldest daughter went from 'just loving me to bits' and everything I did for her to hating the ground I walked on and refusing to have anything to do with me

When she walked in the front door she would never answer when I said hello. It was always "Hi DAD" She refused to speak with me at all - and she lived with us fulltime then - she would literally start every sentence with the word Dad, end it with Dad...just to make sure I understood she was NOT in any way talking to me

While I cooked for she she didn't so much as make a comment about the food (unless there was something she could point out I had done wrong or BM knows better - then suddenly she had a voice to talk to me) and not only so much as a thank you after eating but wouldn't even lift her plate off the table

She was sarcastic and looked for any opportunity to put me down, lie to DH behind my back about me and/or my family and eventually went from open disrespect towards me to hostility and was verbally and emotionally abusive

She stole my things (first piece of jewelry DH had ever bought me as well as a beautiful ring) and she damaged my things (keyed my car just one example)

Finally she gave DH an ultimatum 'it was her or me' and when she lost, she would literally snarl and scowl practically like a crazed animal if I so much as made the mistake of saying hello to her

Clearly, I had no choice but to totally disengage from her....I tired talking first and it blew up in my face and actually made things worse.

So, yes I am one of those SM's here who say I refuse to acknowledge my DH's adult skid nor will I do anything for her. This was her choice not mine, I'm simply respecting it

How did DH's daughter take this? Eventually she improved, when I still didn't respond she got angry. When I gave in she was okay. For a while. Then bam and she was right back at it. Now I remain disengaged no matter how much she is seemingly warming up to me

My YSD had her ups and downs with me as well over the years. Some things similar like not answering when I spoke with her, or only talking to her dad thing, not showing any appreciation for anything. So same story - I stopped. If she said hello to me I greeted her in return. I was never rude but I just stopped. In her case, she was very off and on but never as extreme as her older sister. Eventually my YSD really seemed to get it all. She has made just a great turn around...or maybe she just grew up and matured into the woman she is now who is polite, appreciative, respectful and generally pretty decent to me and has been for years

In her case, I as am engaged as she makes it clear she would like me to be