Fully disengaged and loving it!
I have finally cracked the disengagement process! It feels wonderful 
I have been disengaged and somehow re engaged and back and forth. His daughter (I don't even class myself as her step mum) is now taken care for by him. Nothing about her is my concern, my partner has unfortunately got her to sort out all by himself. If I have to do anything for her it's to help him out and that is it!
She is very frustrated that I am not engaging with her and this to be honest is making me laugh. Now she knows how I used to feel with her behaviour.
It's not my concern of what she looks like, smells like, what BS comes out of her mouth. I don't comment on any of her achievements or lack of them her mess. She lives with us full time and I am just enjoying my own son and she can have a happy life with her own mother and her own father as they have responsibility for her... Not me!
They can deal with her lies, thieving, manipulative behaviour, her attitude, her immaturity,her attention seeking and all the rest of the baggage that comes with her.
I now feel a lot happier. Not frustrated, not spending my time trying to correct this kid into being a half decent kid, it doesn't work here,she gets happiness out of bad situations just like her mother.
I cracked it
Thanks for that information.
Thanks for that information. We all know the "why" DH allows this to go on, but skids are not meant to come first before a partner. Focusing on one's own children is the best advice.
Ha! Blissfully disengaged
Ha! Blissfully disengaged indeed
it's not how I ever imagined things to work out but it's the way it has got to be. Fortunately her dad is being great. She even said "why am I wasting by breath" I nearly jumped for joy!! Yes stop talking BS to me hallelujah!!!! Normally I would have told her off for being cheeky I just ignored her. She is trying every trick in the book to get me to engage but I am not going to as it just doesn't work in our family. I never felt like this the other times but yey for freedom
Great advice Cat! You are
Great advice Cat! You are right. I am doing this for my son, he needs100% of me - not the frazzled crumbs.
I have my two boys (ages 9
I have my two boys (ages 9 and 4) 100% of the time, and when DH asks why I don't spend more "quality time" with his kids, I've had to tell him numerous times that my boys don't have anybody else, and if I don't show them love and attention, no one will. They have no family in our area, and their dad's not around at all at this point (and may not be in the future), so they really don't have anybody else but me. My skids have their mom and their dad, lots of family in the area, and a huge support network of people who dote on them and lavish them with attention and praise for every little thing. My kids don't have that, at all.
For the sake of my own children - and my marriage - I had to disengage almost immediately from my skids, even before I'd heard of the term. I did it out of a sense of self-preservation because those kids would suck the life out of anybody, and because I felt an innate need to take care of my own children.
If I were to engage with my skids as much as DH would like, my boys would be left out in the cold, neglected almost completely. Enough is never enough as far as my 3 skids are concerned. You can NEVER do enough to please them, and trust me, it's a thankless task. They just expect more, more, more.
It's not ideal, and my DH certainly doesn't care for it, but if our marriage has any hope of succeeding, disengagement was a necessity in my situation.
I have been disengaged for a
I have been disengaged for a few months now, my SD7 's behavioral problems, excessive thumb sucking, anger outbursts and problems in aftercare are all the toxic dwarfs = BM responsibilities. I don't shop for the SKIDS anymore, and I am saving a lot of money! I do very little if anything for them.
Thankfully DH understands that he must make our relationship priority - the SKIDS come second. Only that way a stable adult relationship is guaranteed and SKIDS don't have to go through second adult break up in their lives. Because I WILL walk away unless I am priority over them. I mean it, I have the $$ and will to do it and he knows it.
" It may be the cock who crows, but its the hen who lays the eggs "
Yay! I just have a question.
Yay!
I just have a question. How do you do this while still maintaining a good relationship? Like so the kids know you love them and so the DH doesn't resent you for disengaging or think you don't love their kids? I'm trying to figure this out... Lol
I see it like this. There was
I see it like this. There was a time when this all worked and I have tried a tonne of ways to get things how they were then. The long and the short of it is this child gets power by playing me off her father. She loves it when I get cross with her as she knows she has got on my nerves, she then plays the victim to her father and so the cycle of her behaviour continued in one way other for years, along with the lying, stealing, manipulative attitude even spoiling every holiday we went on.
Take me out of this picture by disengaging she is struggling at the moment and trying all kinds of tricks which is now winding her father up only. For example we were all shopping and I was walking down the isle, she saw me and started cowering and backing off down the isle. I carried on shopping ignoring her. I have no interest in examining my feelings about this child anymore, aside from the fact I am totally happy being disengaged from her and her baggage, I need to be healthy and happy for my son. My partner knows I have done all I could and he completely supports me. Oh I love it!!!
Clever little beasties. Mine
Clever little beasties. Mine would get in the car when I used to have to pick her up from time to time and literally cling to the door handle exhibiting a look of fear for her mom. Can you say, consummate actress. Like mother like daughter.
MY DH supports my disengaging
MY DH supports my disengaging and tells me he wishes he could disengage himself from his children lol, sorry, you made them, you care for them.
Though he'd never say it,
Though he'd never say it, sometimes I think my DH wants to disengage, too. I've picked up on some noticeable annoyance at their behaviors.
But like you said, he made them, so he gets to deal with them. Not my problem (at least most of the time)!
DH seems to not want to be alone with just his kids. He always wants me around. I'd like to think it's because he loves my company so much (which maybe he does), but really, I think it gives him an excuse not to spend so much time with his kids. They're disgusting, annoying little energy vampires.
I hear what you are saying
I hear what you are saying about disengaging but when they live with you; how do you do it? I have to snarky teenage SD's and it's hard!! They have lived with us full-time for 7 years. I have poured so much of my life and time into their lives. They continue to challenge me on the simplest of things. I want more peace in my life! My DH works long hours and doesn't want to come home to conflict. I don't want to live in a messy home with girls who don't want any responsibility. They want to sleep and entertain themselves; anything beyond that is a battle! Any specific suggestions would be appreciated!
After 9 years, this happened
After 9 years, this happened for me about 1 year ago. Took SO a while to get used to it (I heard it all from him), but it has simmered down and now he gets the biggest taste of what she dishes out. There are levels you have to get through. Level 1. Engaged and hold on tight while you spiral down. Level 2. Disengage; re-engage, and do it again. Level 3. Disengage longer and DH/SO ramps up his anger. Level 4. Disengaged. Level 5. DH/SO engages and now it sucks for him (can you say cook dinner on visitation nights, discipline, pick her up alone, etc.). Level 6. UTOPIA. Hang in there. It only can get worse , stay the same, or get better.
I have 2 SS, and I have
I have 2 SS, and I have totally disengaged with the 17 year old as he is nothing but a lying, manipulative thief. The 19 year old I help to a point, but after he lied about me I pulled away from him too. I am slowly lessening the ties with my 6 yr old SD.
I have a massive past history with the boys, none of it my doing either. I even tried not to get involved with anything they did and still got dragged down by them, to the point of anti-depressants. I refuse now to allow them to move back in, and I discourage as much as possible overnight stays if we dont have the youngest two with us either.
All I can say is,
All I can say is, "Congratulatons!" And when can we have a "Venting Stepmom's Conference"?