Am I wrong about taking skids on vacation?
Be honest...am I wrong?
I told FDH I would like to take my bio kids on vacation. He has 5 children ages 2-20 he also has 2 BM's. I told him that this would be at my personal expense and we could take his 2 year old to BM #2 and I would foot that expense because she's 2 and wouldn't add much of an expense. I was honest with him and told him I couldn't afford to take all of his other children whom 2 of which are adults and I shouldn't have to pay to take them on vacation anyway.
He took this as I hate his kids and told me that I drew the line in the sand of MY kids vs HIS kids and we can't form an OUR. We never intend on having biological children together.
His older kids are old enough to be told "abugandabean is taking myself, and her children on vacation but she is paying for it and cannot afford to take 7 kids on vacation." We only see his older children a few days a month and they rarely spend overnights. I love his older kids very much they are all good kids, respectful to me and my kids, it has nothing to do with them.
I told FDH that he could save his personal money and we could take them with us or I would take a friend and just take my kids, and he told me to take a friend. He said he wouldn't do that to his kids. Meanwhile, he doesn't include his kids in everything he does anyway so it's a double standard.
If I'm wrong or being disrespectful of insensitive I want to know. I re-read one of the texts I sent to him and it was blunt and I didn't mean it to sound how it did so I apologized for that but he's still really upset. I want to understand but he tells me he looks at my bio kids like his kids and I just don't look at it that way. I do look at it like yours, mine, and (not) ours. I don't ask him to do anything else but be kind to my children which he exceeds at and treats them like his own but he also lives with them and they are young enough to still mold to him while his kids are adults or teenagers.
How does everyone else handle vacations? Is it all or nothing? Do you do separate vacations such as the parent, bio kids and step parent and then do the other side of the family later in the year? I don't want my kids to have to suffer because I'm not paying for 4 kids 2 of which being adults to go on vacation with me.
Yes it is solely based on
Yes it is solely based on money. He doesn't have a lot of savings - not enough to take 4 kids on vacation. I was thinking about doing a cruise so that is 4 round trip plane tickets and 2 extra cabin rooms on the boat. That is why I said he could take some time to save and he could pay for his kids which is when he told me to go with a friend.
That is basically what he
That is basically what he told me was to just go, he didn't care if I took my kids and went. To be fair, he wasn't trying to get a free ride for his older kids he didn't even ask. It was more of a he felt like I was specifically excluding his kids on purpose because I wouldn't want them there.
Why can't he pick up the tab
Why can't he pick up the tab for himself and his kids and you take care of your group?
If he can't afford the trip, then taking a friend or going along with just kids is a great idea.
I understand him not wanting to go on a family vacation without all of his MINOR kids. I could not bring myself to play happy family with my SKs while some of my BKs (minors) were left behind.
Yeah you are definitely
Yeah you are definitely right. As much as me might look at my kids like his own (his words not mine) they just aren't his kids and I'm sure he'd have a lot of guilt if he left his minor BK's behind. I suggested earlier that we do one big family vacation to a beach house not this upcoming summer but next. That we'd get one big enough for everyone to come but the kids over 18 would have to pay to get there and back and pay for their own food and chip in for the house and I asked that maybe we take the younger kids SD2, DD2, and DS5 somewhere for an extended weekend. With the age differences it is terrible to even do things as a family because the older kids want to sleep until 2pm and play video games all day where the younger kids are obviously on the go all the time.
How old are his other minor
How old are his other minor kids?
If he agreed to the week tripgreedy h the younger three, would you agree to a trip with just his older, minor kids?
The beach idea sounds fine. But if he's willing to pay for his adult kids to go, that should be up to him.
Oh yeah absolutely. I would
Oh yeah absolutely. I would love if we could do that. His 2 minors are 17 and 11. I would love to do a vacation with all of his older kids even the adults they are really fun to be around but the adults would need to pay their own way.
Personally I don't find
Personally I don't find anything "vacation" about taking a bunch of kids with me on a trip. That does not sound like any sort of fun to me. Especially a 2 year old, they really hamper the vacation. Not fun at all!!
Edit...7 kids????!!!! Oh hell no. :jawdrop:
Seriously! Maybe I should
Seriously! Maybe I should just tell him the hell with it and we are going on a vacation alone.
I would. I take my son on
I would. I take my son on trips alone several times a year. I had one child and he is not going to suffer because everyone's schedule cannot mesh up or kids don't want to go or my husband won't take time off of work. You get 18 very short years with your child, make the most of it.
Plenty of parents take young
Plenty of parents take young kids to disney and on cruises. Kids may know where they are or even remember the trip, but the parents sure do/will.
Two is a great time money wise to take a kid to disney. They don't need tickets to get into the parks and they can eat for free. Disney has on site child care centers and in room sitters. So if parents want a date night during vacation, disney will make that happen forna small fee of course. As long as you tailor your trips to meet the needs of everyone in the group, then taking the little ones shouldn't be a problem.
OP, if that's the way you want to spend your vacation dollars and time, go for it.
I didn't know Disney did
I didn't know Disney did that! I was actually thinking of a Disney cruise I know they have child care on the boat too. My kids regardless of their age would absolutely love it and the joy I would have of seeing them light up would be worth it for me.
The last time I posted this?
The last time I posted this? This is the first time I've posted this, it literally just came up a few hours ago.
In response to your original post though there is no way I could get someone to watch my kids for a week. Their Dad can't take that kind of time off of work and I don't have any relatives that can watch them overnight let alone a week so you're right there! lol. However I will not pay for his children to go on vacation. If he wanted to take a trip just his kids and us that is something he'd have to pay for himself.
Hmm I enjoy your perspective
Hmm I enjoy your perspective thank you! We do share a home together but we do not share finances as there is child support coming in and out and I don't want BM to have any access to what I've earned.
We definitely seem to differ in our views. I am all about having a blended family and making it work and everyone being happy, but I came into the picture late in the game with his older kids so they don't seem me as a step mom at all, just a friend. Don't get me wrong though they do not in any way take advantage of that. I am in a way a my kind of person but not in a selfish way at all just that I accept my responsibility of my children and don't want to skirt that onto anyone else and I sort of expect him to do the same. In another sense if I can afford to take my children somewhere that we want to go then I shouldn't be expected to pay for his children to go either I am giving him the opportunity to save for as long as he needs to go to this isn't something i want to do in the next couple months I was thinking a year or two out. I guess I shouldn't complain I am with an "all" kind of person I know a lot of women that would kill for that!
Seriously take your kids on
Seriously take your kids on vacation. If he wants to go great, but you have no moral obligation to take his 4 or 5 children, two of whom are adults, with you. It is ridiculous that he makes an issue out of this. In my opinion, he should be thanking his lucky stars that someone wants to marry him with his two exes and a handful of kids. You are better than me.
haha. Thanks. I can
haha. Thanks. I can complain about this but there isn't much else. He's a good man, he's not a Disney Dad, he parents when we have the kids and doesn't expect me to take over so he's a self sufficient Dad. He works hard and definitely earns what he has. The kids and exes? Welllll... One ex is awesome to me but she cheated on him for their whole marriage but I have no issues with her whatsoever but the second - eh not so much - but she's a small price to pay for the kind of man he is and how he is with my kids. I know though - when I tell people our situation their eyes get big and they never know what to say. I swear to you we aren't trashy even though it sounds like it!!! Lol.
Different strokes for
Different strokes for different folks.
Just because you're in a blended family, doesn't mean everyone is joined at the hip.
Mixing up the vacations (adult only, mom and her her bios, dad and his bios and the whole group) is good for everyone.
No offense taken but I will
No offense taken but I will defend him. I am not financially gracious to him, we split our household expenses 50% he pays for his kids things I pay for mine anything else gets split down the middle (mortgage, bills, groceries, etc). He did not ask for one second for me to pay for his kids to come he never would. It was an issue of him feeling that I didn't want them there but for me it was an issue of I'm not paying for it but he didn't ask for that. I offered to pay for the 2 year old because really what is a 2 year old going to cost? She can fly for free, she's free on the boat, so maybe a couple little things if necessary?
It's not because I love him soooooo much, while I do love him very much I am not naive. I've married and divorced that provides just the right about of a jaded attitude towards relationships. And he wasn't 15 when he had his children he was 19 which isn't much better but he did the right thing and manned up. He's a 3x veteran and works his ass off and makes really good money. However he doesn't have the extra 5 grand that it will cost to take 4 kids on a cruise. I don't know many people that could just easily throw that kind of money around.
Furthermore - money may make the world go around but that isn't want relationships are supposed to be about. He contributes just as much as I do to our household, if he can't go on a vacation because he can't afford it then he can't. I am sure there are just as many people on this board that can't afford it that can. Not everyone is blessed financially. What is attractive to me about him has nothing to do with money it has to do with how he treats me and my children, how he strives to take care of us, how he takes care of his children and his family, his morals and his character. Everything that actually matters.
While I always appreciate constructive criticism and any advice attacking his character based on your assumptions (his financial status {I never said he didn't have a lot of money i said he didn't have a lot of savings to take 4 kids on a cruise}, how old he was when he had kids, me paying his way, etc)and then basing your response on your assumptions isn't necessarily constructive to the original question.
You might be right in which
You might be right in which case I feel like an ass.
There are consequences to
There are consequences to life choices. A natural consequence of having 5 kids is not being able to purchase certain things. A fancy vacation may be one of them. Don't feel bad about taking your kids on a vacation, they should not be punished because of your fiancé's life choices. I always tell my husband that. My son will NOT be punished because you chose to knock up some floozy twice (in one year mind you) while you were in med school. DUMB!
Thank you! You sound a lot
Thank you! You sound a lot like me in a lot of ways I seem to always tell it like it is which gets me in trouble a lot of the time.
I think my sentiments
I think my sentiments regarding my husband's actions were loud and clear.
Technically a cruise is done
Technically a cruise is done on a ship not a boat. Just so nobody laughs at you even if not out loud. It's OK - most of us landlubbers don't know the difference.
Being on a Disney cruise is my idea of hell. Bringing a kid on a adult cruise must be the childs idea of hell - maybe a minor one but hell none the less. There always seems to be a few kids on cruises and all they do is get bored and run around irritating everyone while the parents can't enjoy anything because they're tied to the kids.
Plus if they're under 13 or so they'll forget everything except some vague memories at most. One person above did make the point that the parents can enjoy watching their kids having fun and that's not to be understated. Nut kids can have fun at the local park. They don't need some clown in a Mickey Mouse suit.
Tell your husband you've changed your mind and none of the kids are going and choose an adult destination. A week in New York city is expensive but all the shows and museums...Maybe you prefer Nashville, San Francisco - the list is endless.
I know the more and more I
I know the more and more I think about this, it is way more hassle than it is worth! And thanks for the boat/ship correction. Maybe it's time to start looking into us trips.
IMO, it's not that FDH "can't
IMO, it's not that FDH "can't afford" the vacation, it's just not important enough to him to make it work. If it was just about the money, he would offer an alternative that he feels he can afford. I say I can't afford things all the time. And sometimes it's just because the thing I can't afford isn't important to me (and because I make sure to have money set aside for vacation!)
I'm not sure where you all are coming from saying kids won't remember vacations. I've been taking my kids to the beach almost every year since they were toddlers and they still talk about these trips. They even remember the different beaches and they've been to about five different ones.
I read through the responses because I have my own dilemma. I would like to bring my bf to the beach with us this summer but not his son. Not only would he not fit in my car, I don't like spending time w/ my bf and his son together. It sucks. So essentially I never get to vacation w/ my bf who will likely be my dh one day, unless his son happens to be at his mom's that week. I think I'm going to check. Vacations are never easy when other people's kids are involved.
OP, I would take your kids and have fun. If FDH feels a vacation for the two of you is important to him, he can save up and take you on one.
We spoke more in depth about
We spoke more in depth about this last night and it turns out there are more underlying issues. It had nothing to do with money. He said if I gave him a date that he would put the money together he feels though it's a segregation issue within our blended family. He never expected/wanted me to pay for his children to go on vacation with us but he felt by me saying we can go with DD, DS, and SD that I was completely alienating his older children. I guess I just figured the adults are living their own lives and shouldn't automatically be included unless we said "hey we are doing XXX on XXX date if you want to come get a ticket."
After I turned 18 my parents started doing all of the fun stuff with out me. Lol.
I can see where he is coming from because our family dynamic is unique with such a huge age gap between the the little kids and the older kids and the different BM's. I don't always consider the older kids my immediate family NOT because I don't love them or want them around, I do, but because the relationships are different with adult skids vs toddler skids. I will never be a step mom to these kids, they have a great Mom and don't need a SM especially at their ages. Plus I don't see them enough to even begin to establish that authority.
We decided to take a couple weeks through out this year where we will do something special for just us (YAY!), do something special for the younger kids and us, and then do something special with the older (minors and adults if they fund it). We discussed that the cut off for this is 18, past 18 they are expected to pay for what they do. Aside from us taking them out to dinner, things like that but big things they are on their own.
Unfortunately my OP made it seem like he was expecting to me to pay for all of his kids to go on vacation but that was never an option for either of us. He never expected that or wanted that, he's not like that. If I told him that I was gifting this to them (which I wouldn't no way I could afford that) then he would be eternally grateful.
I feel badly that I hurt his feelings though by making him feel like I am not accepting of his older bunch but we worked it out and are on the same page. Looks like we were both in the wrong with this one! As always I appreciate all of the responses. You girls are the best.
Thanks I appreciate that. I
Thanks I appreciate that. I guess I consider myself pretty lucky. I have issues (many) with BM #2 and their daughter together but the older kids are truly wonderful and I actually enjoy spending time with them.
I don't think we will necessarily cut them off but with so many of them they will just need to accept that there has to be a limit somewhere. Generally they are pretty understanding of the fact that there are so many of them. They don't expect a lot at Christmas or their birthdays they understand that with so many kids only so much can be given.
Had a similar recent fight...
Had a similar recent fight... the difference is I don't have any kids, he has 4.
The oldest is an adult so we both agree that he wouldn't come on any more vacations. Besides, he's moved on with his life and doesn't even talk to his dad anymore. No worries there.
Now the other 3. The last time we took them on vacation, they fought the WHOLE time! I haven't offered to take them anywhere since until they can learn to at least get along a little better. I know that they are kids and won't be perfect, but they could be better than what they are.
So, recently, the topic of vacation came up and I said that I didn't want to take my very limited vacation time off from work to pay to take his kids somewhere when all they are going to do is fight... and that annoys me... and that is NO vacation. Vacations are for fun and rest... period. Not annoyances. He didn't seem to want to understand that. Apparently their fighting doesn't bother him as much as it does me.
The end of the story... no vacation for the kids is currently on the books. Taking his kids on vacation is not vacation... I call it a "nightmare in another town that I had to pay for."