Your SO is the selfish one. That creep used his kids and BMs to manipulate you into staying.

You aren't being selfish at all.

You sound like you are doing a great job, and are very dedicated to him and the kids. However, the kids will grow up and they will have a life of their own sooner rather than later. If you're not happy, how happy do you think your SO will be in the long run?

While it is very noble of you to feel that you have given your word and won't break it, I think you should consider what you want. Giving up your dreams to make other people happy does not make anyone happy in the long run. If you feel that it's enough, then I think you should definitely stay. If you feel that you would have regrets - then look for alternatives. THey can come in all shapes and sizes.

I agree with the others. You are not selfish at all.

I say you should get on with your life. It's not your job to take care of his kids and with MS, you'd eventually be his caregiver as well.

Is that the life you want for yourself?

Go live your dream. We are just about the same age and quite frankly, you will find true love with someone who really respects you.

Stop trying to save this guys family and go find a childless guy your own age who wants children.

Sure it will hurt some people, such as the guy who needs a nanny in the kitchen and a artesian in bed as well as a bauble on his arm when he goes out. Yes some of the kids also. But you've made a mistake and its time you admitted it to him and the kids.

Either you cause some temporary grief to a few or lifetime grief for yourself. Make a choice.

PS: sperm don't "dry up". His body has been producing sperm non-stop since his vasectomy and they are being reabsorbed by his body as they age. This is normal procedure for the male body when a male does not deliver them out through normal sex. I'm not going into a biology course here but he's lying.

If you wish more information follow this link: http://www.thehealthcarecenter.com/sperm_after_a_vasectomy.html

Oh yes, he loves you and adores you so much that he kicked you out. That he enlists the help of his children to help emotionally blackmail you into staying. That you already know he wouldn't consent to raising 'someone else's child' regardless of how much this dream means to you. Oh yeah, I can see Clearly that he just adores you beyond measure.

He is Relieved that your dream of having a child of your own will never be realized. You should be content doing what you've said he would be unwilling to do himself and living vicariously through others. How does this indicate he cares about you?

He was willing to bring his children into an adult conversation, adult business to help him get his way. That is not in their best interest and not the act of someone that cares about you.

You've had to distance yourself from Your friends and family 'out of respect' for your SO, but you should embrace his children as your family. You've been through his job loss and his diagnosis of a serious illness... And what exactly has he done for you?

They will not whither away and die without you. The kids have two parents, regardless of how little their father actually participates in their lives. Your participation will never make up for that. And it doesn't sound like his pleas for you to stay are based on his undying love and devotion. It sounds like he wants you to stay to continue making his life more convenient or he never would have done half the things you say he has.

I have to say that as a man your reaction to the Dx of sterility would likely be a deal breaker for me as far as a marriage is concerned.

Your dream of being a mother is a fine dream to have but your SO is sterile and you walked. So much for commitment and supporting each other no matter what. Not wife material IMHO. Your SO is also not supporting you in a way that would tell me that he is of adequate character to be husband material any more than you are wife material. There are options for having children that he should consider if he were adequately committed to you.

Regardless of my opinion up to this point regarding the suitability of the two of you as spouses, you have a dream and to commit to a marriage that will make you miserable will only mean that you will likely ruin the lives of the children you claim to want to sacrifice your happiness to save.

Leave, leave now, do the work you need to do in order to be a partner of character to a man who can participate in your dream. Preferably a man who will not risk the happiness of his existing children.
IMHO of course.

This is a classic post of someone who wants sympathy and soft words, but does not want the truth pointed out nor realistic advice. That's why she'll never respond to any of the insights provided here. She really doesn't want advice.

Some people do thoroughly enjoy being a martyr; they only want an audience to applaud them for doing so. Won't get it from me.

I wish there was a big red light that would flash on these kinds of posts so none of us would waste our time reading and thinking about the situation and then responding. They really don't want it.

We can't support someone who is clearly making a mistake at least given the situation you laid out. If you wish to stay by all means you have our blessing. After all in the end its your life to lead. But: your Thread title effectively asks the question "Should I trade my life for 4 others". Perhaps a little dramatic but we get the point. Then you go on to explain why you're unhappy and far from excited about a upcoming proposal of marriage.

When a man gets a vasectomy he is told and signs off on how difficult - close to impossible - it is to reverse it. Knowing this he readily agrees with you to have more children. Then visits the doctor and lies saying in effect "Gee I'm sorry honey but the doc says I can't have more kids and by the way I bought the ring".

Look the guy is willing to manipulate you. He's a liar - what else will he lie about? His first wife got rid of him for a reason.

Ouch, ouch and double ouch. Every single response here is harsh but TRUE. You will not only regret staying, you will hate your life and the 4 people that you claim to want to save. I can't envision living my life in such despair. He kicks you out and then begs you to come back and buys you a ring to have you stay? Nope, I don't buy any of it. Run. Run FAST.

Do you still want to have a baby? Do you still want to experience pregnancy, birth and having a baby of your own? If you do still want it then your first reaction when you found out he couldnt give it to you is the same.
I dont think he dealt with the situation very well, you honestly told him at the start of your relationship that you wanted to have children, he agreed, you honestly told him that your desire to have children of your own was still so strong that finding out he couldnt give it was making you question whether you could stay in this relationship. You were right to be honest with him, he was wrong to then involve other people.
Like others have said it does seem that you have been bullied/shamed/pushed/manipulated into staying in this relationship and if that is the case then it will only be a matter of time until it breaks. It will only be a matter of time until your desire to have a baby of your own becomes unbearable again but the question will be will you keep doing this for too long?
Maybe now is the right time to leave, his children may cry, they may miss you, you've been a part of their lives but they will get over it. They have their mother and they have their father, so long as they have those parents any steps are just extras.
I notice that you didnt mention your partners MS until later, which makes me wonder whether you are feeling some kind of justification in saying you ought to stay because of his diagnosis, you dont.
How many couples find out they are pregnant and move in together to "try to make it work" for the sake of that baby? And how many of those relationships work?
Wanting a baby isnt something to be ashamed of, nor is it something that is going to go away. Why not talk to your partner about the options of adoption and/or sperm donation, after all having a baby together was always on the list. He is happy for you to regard his children as your own so he has no reason to object to adoption or sperm donation.
If he is against it then he clearly doesnt want any more children, which begs the question how many other things that you both have agreed to or planned for the future, does he really not want?

Put yourself in your DH's place & think about how you would feel if he reacted toward you the same way you did toward him.

I can understand where you're coming from, as I also had big dreams of being a mother one day. My DH had a vasectomy after SD was born. While I was sad about giving that up, having been previously married to an ass-face, I knew that what I had in my DH was something worth keeping.

Your DH didn't refuse you children. He was willing to have a reversal done, but his ability to give you children was out of his control.

I haven't read your history. I only know what you've posted in this blog, but imagine he could have a baby & you could not. How hurt & pissed would you be if he told you he may have to leave you because you couldn't get pregnant???

I have to say, if my DH had said something like that to me, I wouldn't have waiting for him to decide whether he could stand to stay with me or not. NO WAY would I wait for him to decide whether or not he could bring himself to overlook my inability to conceive. I'd have packed his bags & put him out.

Do everyone in this situation a favor & decline the ring. Decline the proposal. Everyone deserves someone who loves them & cherishes them. Him & his kids don't need you to "save" them. They'll be fine without you. He deserves someone who is happy to be with him.

I'm not sure I see why the SO is the bad guy. I mean he might be lying or manipulative, but from the post I don think we have conclusive information that that is the case.

The lady said she may dump him because he couldn't have children, even though she knew going into the relationship he had a vasectomy. Not only are those hard to reverse, but you've got to think he had one for a reason. The reason being he didn't want any more kids. He does have three. That's quite a lot.

So after she says she may leave, and he gives her a month to think about it and still she is on the fence he breaks up with her. People are allowed to break up with people. If my girlfriend said she didn't think she could be with me because I could not fulfill her dreams would you blame me for asking her to move out? Especially when he can't do anything to change the situation.

What good would adoption do? She may as well adopt the kids already there. I mean. What's the problem here. She said he works and makes money and she is busy being a mom and the kids love her. For someone that likes kids isnt that what you want? Most posts I read are the stepkids are monsters. She doesn't have anything bad to say about them. I know there are a lot of situations where the guy just wants a nanny but she never said she felt like she was being used as a nanny, so why are people on here saying dump him he's using you? If these were her biokids they would be living a normal happy life. It really doesn't sound like a bad situation. Go read about all the brat threads and realize how good you have it.

But still. If you want kids that are your biological than go do that. You can. It's ok. But leave now before you become even more a part of this family's life.