Have you asked your "counselor" exactly what you wrote here? What he/she is suggesting just doesn't apply to real life.

More importantly, what does your spouse see your role as?

I would have laughed at her and not left the session until I got clarification.

However, I have a different outlook. I don't have to take care of SS. What I do is extra - yes I will cook some but especially when SS is around that usually falls on SS, I do not have to pick up after him I do not run a maid service and he can pick up after himself, mind you DH will remind him or pick up after him as well since as long as it doesn't get to bad I will leave as a reminder. I do laundry only because I would rather have it done my way, DH picks SS up from school. They are not our children, we are not obligated to take care of them they did not come out of our bodies in any form or fashion. I used to do a lot more until resentment built I then slowly stepped back and let DH take responsibility at this point whatever I do is pretty much as I stated extra.

I also let DH do the majority of the discipline but refuse to be disrespected. Most of the time if I say something SS listens, and if doesn't I simply say that I wasn't asking I was telling. Though the majority of the time I am actually trying to keep SS out of trouble and will remind him DH told him to do something if he doesn't. I will simply go ask DH and then DH knows I have done my part and it is turn to be the parent.

As for SS disrespecting me, my DH set clear boundaries from the beginning that I am supposed to be on the same level as him and we are a house full of "Yes Ma'am No Ma'am Yes Sirs and No Sirs". If SS doesn't answer right I will simply correct him at first. Probably the biggest disrespect last hitch was him telling me I needed to go get something for him, and do something. I quickly reminded him I am not your mother, I know you talk to BM this way but you are in a different house and that does not work. I also told him that he needed to realize I am a asset to him and DH and not a maid. I will not be disrespected and if he wants to continue to be disrespectful to me, he should try telling DH the same and then he can decide how he wants to continue. He normally straightens up.

This is my form of having some type of "discipline" I guess you could say but leaving most of it to DH. I refer to DH but never hid behind...and I remember I am a asset, I am not a mother, I am not a maid, I am a wife and an additional. You don't have to do anything for that child you don't' want to in my opinion.

You don't have any rights. Legal or otherwise. You already know that the kid isn't going to accept your 'discipline' so why is it even a question? You can't take a strap or handcuffs to her.

Parents carry authority because its always been that way and that authority is based on physical restraint which is not consciously remembered. They misbehave they're put in jail, the crib, toys are removed when thrown, they get a 'time out' in the bedroom and physically put there if they resist.

That unremembered threat is what gives parents authority. I.e. the kid doesn't know why the parents have to be obeyed it just seems like a good idea. Of course all of them eventually figure it out but even as they become adults the parent has more authority than some gal on the street. That's you.

Of course there are exceptions to everything I say.

So you have none of this authority and this kid is going to flaunt you for ever.

For ever.

Are you going to volunteer for this assignment by getting married? Foolish woman.

IMO, she meant that you should not be the main disciplinarian. If you are taking care of her w/o Dad present, you should be able to carry out pre-planned discipline strategies laid out by Dad. In other words, if he wants her sent to her room for a half hour for disrespect, then you shouldn't make her write "I won't be disrespectful" 100 times. Make sense? Do what Dad would do or wants you to do, don't do somethine else that might cause conflict between you and Dad.

That said, have you ever just tried laughing in her face when she says something like, "You're not my mom, I don't have to listen to you!"? I bet she will be really confused. Kids don't like to be laughed at LOL

DH and I do not discipline each others kids.

More like, "you know your mom said to do abc so get up and do it" or "you know your dad said don't do that" and then let the bio parent hand out any punishment or whatever.

I don't think it is a matter of sitting by and saying NOTHING ever...just that he should be primary and you back him up/support his parenting. Life is SO much easier this way.

I honestly read here from so many stepmoms that attempt to be a 3rd parent (and I *know* it works for some) but the frustration level seems so high so often and I just ask myself, WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL OF THAT WORK?!!? And I really, genuinely like my stepkids!! But they have 2 parents and I'm not one of them. I parent my kids, they parent their kids.

My DH and I have seen 2 different therapists in the past. They both said the same thing as yours did, you can not discipline your skids. However, they can not talk or treat you with disrespect. You can call them on it and if they say, "What are you going to do about it?" I would say that you weren't going to take care of something that you normally do for them. You don't have to give a specific thing, just let them stew while you figure something out. You can even say, that you have to think about an appropriate punishment for their behavior. I am never good with quick responses and need time to think about what I want to say. I would then turn and walk away. I used to have to pick them up or drop them off at a friend's house or at an activity. They can find another ride or not go. So, I guess it is not really a punishment, but you will not do something for someone if they treat you like that.

Sounds crazy to me. I discipline SD. I have since she was 3. Just a stern talking to. Nothing serious. Nobody else (BM, DH, MIL) disciplined her. They all wanted to be her friend.

Funny thing is, I was always the 'bad guy' but SD likes me the most & out of everyone she respects me the most.

DH is getting there because I forced him to step up & start parenting. SD still disobeys BM & gives her a hard time & acts like a heathen at the ILs house.

ANYONE who enters my home, my Skids, Bio's, nieces, nephews, neighbors kids, everyone is held to a certain standard. There will be no cursing, no back talk, no behavior that I deem inappropriate.
Disrespect of an adult, will not be tolerated. EVER. So I don't get how a counselor would actually tell you that you need to turn to DH and tattle like a little bitch about his kid's behavior. That is bullshit. Handle it, like YOU see fit.
I agree with sue2 on everything else though. How that child turns out, isn't really your problem, you didn't create her, therefore, she is not a reflection of you.

Basically, I have to take care of her by cooking for her, picking her up from school, and cleaning after her.
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No..no you don't. Who is "making" you do this.

Let your BF handle his kid and you stop doing for her.

My only question is why are you taking care of a child and not your BF?

You are not responsible for anything pertaining to this child. Why in the hell isn't your BF cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, picking the child up from school and anything else revolving around this kid?

I am here to tell you, it will not get better if you get married. The fact you're in counseling to deal with this situation is not good at all. Where is the BF? Why isn't he accompanying you? Why isn't this couples or family counseling?

It seems to me that your BF dumped his responsibility into your lap and expect you to just deal with it.

Please look at the relationship over all and not the one with the skid. Based solely on your post, I'm going to go out on a limb and tell you the problem isn't the child.

I'm going to be pretty honest here, often there are crappy counselors. And counseling can also make things worse. At the end of the day, it won't work or anything unless you're both on the same page.

Yes that was lousy advice, and I have a advanced degree in Psy./sociology, lol. Here's the thing, it's also your home, and by all means you need to discipline equally. Does your partner expect you to do the chores, help with his children etc. Then they can't have it both ways, it goes equally for discipline.

We were the co-parents when the child was growing up. It was me and my husband, not he and his ex. That is why most blended families and marriages do not survive. We did our own separate things, parties etc. let the ex do whatever on her end, and didn't bother her at all. Don't know if you have a ex problem, but we simply didn't want a relationship with her, only and child and of course we never talked bad about her.

Doctors, schools, etc. had we wanted we can find out all that stuff, we didn't have to go through the ex. Though we only had a every other weekend so we weren't involved with the school etc. and left that to her.

If your dh refuses for you to be a partner, then he can also take 100% care of that child while at your home. That's my feeling, again you are his partner thus should be the only co-parent imo.

This was a hot topic with my SS because basically he saw that I was actually "parenting" my own two children.

These counselors are not getting blended families. If you are responsible for the kids you are forced into situations of drawing boudaries and saying "no". You can't wait till the BF shows up on some things. On the spot has to happen sometimes.

I think punishments are best left to BM or BF.

However, my SS had a huge problem that I expected the kids to put their own dish away, put the toilet seat down and pick up after themselves. Basically a bratty teen not wanting to have expectations.

All this "mamby pamby" "whah whah" in my opinion these counselors should be saying to these young people. "GET OVER IT" and follow adults direction.

Our society needs to treat children with love but with discipline. They are not in charge!!!!

Sorry to say this but you are paying an idiot to give you advice. Find a therapist that does not come from the usual pseudo science morons that could not get a real degree. There are good therapists out there but you have to do some work to find one.

You are the equity partner with your SO in your relationship. That makes you an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of biology. So parent. Discipline when necessary and if your DH won't step up and get the parenting and discipline done before you have to then he can stand aside, STFU and support you when you do it.

You obviously know how to parent. You are doing it. Don't let the idiot therapist distract you from what you know is the right way to go about the blended family/SParent thing.

IMHO of course.