Do I exist?
we're both in our late twenties, been together 4yrs. we live together and hardly communicate at all. it seems as though he has no interest in anything having to do with me and he sits around until every other weekend comes around that he has his kid, then he ignores me even more once the child is over. I would like to have kids, but he shows no "wanting to" with me. When I broach the subject he somewhat talks down to me saying "kids change your whole life you know?" ....or sometimes he'll just say "ok sure" to me. There is no dreaming or talking about it together, like my past relationships. That I greatly miss. It's not this anticipated mystical thing...that we would both like to share together someday...instead it's more of something he could take or leave type of feel. anyway, I'm not sure whether I should leave or not. I'm very depressed. I feel like I don't exist to anyone anymore. He does whatever he wants. How am I supposed to plan a future with someone when I feel so out of place and as if I don't matter? his mother will sometimes mention his ex or ask him things about her or what is going on with the child. I hate the feeling. It's very awkward. I don't have any relationship with his mother and never see/speak to his exwife (which is great). he and I are actually engaged but I feel as though our relationship is already constrained and barely holding on, that it would be a mistake to actually marry him. He hasn't even told his family he proposed to me and we've been engaged for a few months. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I miss being single, being in school, and having a life of my own. this life has slowly gotten more and more depressing. I feel much older than i am. I'm torn and don't know what to do. I don't feel in love. I feel like I care more about him and all of his problems then he does about me...a great deal. the only time he really shows interest in me is to try and have sex with me. I don't feel good about that.
This guy would be perfectly
This guy would be perfectly happy if he had a free housekeeper and prostitute visiting as needed. Although I wouldn't consider you to be a prostitute you're certainly a housekeeper and sex companion as well as perhaps an occasional babysitter.
As his wife little would change except if you had the kids you wanted you would be doing more baby tending.
Girl there is nothing here for you. I know its hard to start over but lets get you out of this house by the end of the month - into your own place - and start about looking for a guy who has no children. Don't even date a guy with children. There are just too many childless guys out there for you to take on a ready made family.
Tell him you made a mistake, don't argue about who's at fault, it doesn't matter, just accept blame and go.
the only positive is that he
the only positive is that he pays most of the bills.
I got married when I was 19.
I got married when I was 19. I am still married to my husband- I'll be 50 next month. At your age we were having babies, going on inexpensive but fun vacations, and hittin the sheets for some hot sex. If you feel like life is passing you by, it probably is. You deserve more than this- go out and grab it! Good luck.
You don't know if you should
You don't know if you should leave or not? Really? Go back and read you post. You already know the answer to your question.
He is already disengaged and at some level the relationship is nothing more than a safe harbor for him to live in while he does what he wants to do between Skid visits. This is no life for you and will not be a marriage that I would bet my happiness on were I you.
Get out and live. Find a partner to make a life with who is excited to start a life journey with you. A parner who puts your relastionship first and puts you as the priority you deserve to be. Preferably a partner with no baggage sex trophies from a previous relationship.
I was married once before. It was much like what you describe your relationship to your DF as. Our dating and engagemnet time was exciting but once we married my XW could take or leave time with me. I put in all the effort, she tolerated my presence and we had nearly no passion (or sex) for the 2.5 years of our marriage. The best gift she ever gave me was filing for divorce and thankfully she did not take too long to do it.
My incredible bride and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary this coming summer. We raised my SS-21 together since we married a week before he turned 2yo. He is a viable self supporting adult and his mom and I are proud of him. My bride and I can't wait to get home to each other at the end of every work day, we have a hard time keeping our hands off of each other and we both enjoy our life adventure together very much. It has gotten more exciting, more passionate and more interesting as the years progress.
I know that in my life I would tolerate nothing less.
Take care of yourself.
Good luck.
I cannot imagine living like
I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of my life. I am 29 years old and have been with the love of my life for three years now. But like you posted, I too miss my past relationships. At the very least I have lived an exciting life. The men truly treated me as number one priority in their lives.
Now, When fiance is not around, I have to cook, clean, and telling her to go to bed. I hate it, absolutely hate it. I feel like I am throwing my life away for somebody else, and love is not suppose to be sacrifices. I don't believe that one bit. I think love is about compromise. Love is not suppose to be so painful.
I know my fiance wants another kid with me but I know he only wants a kid because I want one. He already experienced this fatherhood for eight years and this is not a new experience for him at all. I am not in a rush of getting married, and I am using birth control. The last thing I want is to bring another kid to the world only to be treated as second.
I don't know if these crazy thoughts are just in my head or this is the reality I am NOT looking forward to. I've been lurking a few weeks on this forum, and to be honest, other step parents' experiences are not very reassuring. I don't want to end up cheating on my fiance, if nothing changes, leaving is my only logical next move.