Finances in a Blended Family
Hello everyone,
I am new here. I will try to be brief on the background...we are a blended family. 8 kids. I have 6, he has two younger kids (7 and 4 The 4 year old has a form of autism). We both work part time. I make more than he does and I get CS and SS from my previous relationship. My new partner's income is significantly lower. His ex pays $80 a week for their 2 children for CS.
I had suggested a 70-30 split on all household bills and that we each take care of the needs of our own children such as clothes, school needs etc..(that means me paying more of the bills). He originally agreed but then when weeks without paying and he's about 9 weeks behind in contributing to the bills (I paid them but he still owes for them). He doesn't think this 70-30 is fair anymore. He thinks I should be paying for all the bills because he helps out at home. I do the grocery shopping and meal prep, I do my own laundry and my kids' laundry. He cleans the house, he does his kids laundry.
Another problem comes with child care. He works in the evenings when I am home. He has arranged for a sitter to come in to look after his kids when he is at work two evenings a week. His ex does not contribute to the babysitting cost and my partner is looking for me to pay for his sitter. I pay for all my child care needs when I am working. In fact, if my partner babysits my children, I pay him for his time.
We have our own bank accounts and credit cards.
What are other families doing to manage the household expenses in these uneven situations? I thought I was being fair but there is so much resentment and animosity building up it's almost becoming toxic.
^^^THIS^^^ Don't do it. He
^^^THIS^^^
Don't do it. He needs to handle his obligations. You have your own children to think of first and foremost. You didn't create his children and you shouldn't be responsible for them.
I've tried what you are doing
I've tried what you are doing unsuccessfully. It only works that way if you both make enough money and then some. On a budget, you have to combine incomes and accounts and pay bills from the pool of funds. No 70-30 split or 80-20, etc. 100% pooling of fund and you both share in the expenses, no matter who is putting in more or less.
You X amount of money to pay Y amount of bills and Child Support. It cannot be divided and separate in your situation without a divorce.
The way I read it is pooling
The way I read it is pooling for bills, putting in what you can and not trying to make it actual split.
I think you are being
I think you are being absolutely fair. You and your kids take up 70% of the household, so it would seem fair for you to pay 70% of the bills. Was this your house before you moved in together? His? Or something you jointly purchased/rented?
What did he do as far as paying his bills before you were in the picture? Daycare costs? Who watched his kids before? If you pay him for watching your kids then why does he feel that you should also pay for his kids to be watched? You absolutely are not responsible for paying for his sitter! That is ludicrous. If his ex-wife doesn’t contribute to the babysitting costs, he needs to have CS re-evaluated to include those costs, if possible.
He is taking complete advantage of you, based on the information you have given. Are you married? How long have you been together/lived together? Does he work full time or part time? Are the utilities/rent/etc. in your name or his? If anything is in his name I would make him entirely responsible for that …maybe figure out what his 30% of the monthly bills would be and make him responsible for the bills that equal approximately that amount. Don’t pay the bills in his name, unless you would have to pay a portion to equal your portion, if you want to continue being fair about it. Let him worry about the consequences of not paying his bills on time. Do not cover for him.
If you both do your own laundry and you do the meal cooking and the grocery shopping, there is no reason he can’t help take care of the house cleaning, especially if he is only working part-time and you are working full-time (you didn’t indicate that in your post, so I’m not sure about this)
DH and I split the household bills 50/50 although he makes significantly more $ than me. He pays the entire mortgage though, because he makes more $ and the house was his before we met. I buy groceries. We also have separate bank accounts, and are each responsible for our own pre-marriage bills, and anything involving our own children.
Good luck with this! Sounds like he is after a free ride.
Yes it is my house. It is
Yes it is my house. It is purchased in my name only. Before he moved in with me he was living with his mother 6 months of the year and then she would go to Florida for the other 6 months. She paid her portion of the bills when living with him, even when she went to Florida. Day care was done by his mother or his ex. Now his ex can't take their kids as much. His argument is that the daycare provider helps care for my kids since they are in the house at the same time(as am I) and that the daycare provider cleans the house, which benefits me, which he thinks then I should pay for. We are not married. We have been living together for a little over a year. He works part time, in the evenings, for about 12 hours a week. All the bills are in my name except for the home phone and the water softener. I don't contribute to those bills and they are about $80 a month in total. I am working part time as well (19 hours a week).
C
Oh dear, it sounds as if he's
Oh dear, it sounds as if he's been a little coddled in the finance department and is now expecting it from you. If you plan on marrying, PLEASE do not do it under the current circumstances. Thank you for answering my questions. I still think you are doing everything fairly. Good luck with this. I wish I had some stellar advice to give.
He needs to get a full time
He needs to get a full time job and pay his bills.
notasm was right on the money...he is using you.
Oh dear. I'm not sure how
Oh dear. I'm not sure how this situation is going to work out well for you in the end. I'm particularly worried that he is already behind in his part of the bills, and that you pay him to care for your children. No wonder you're feeling resentful!
If I can be so bold, and understanding that I have absolutely no knowledge of your relationship, please let me say this: if you are going to behave as a family, then you must pool all of your money and you should be the one to watch over the account and see the bills are paid. I would suggest you both get an allowance to spend as you wish and the rest is all for the family. However, if you are not going to behave as a family (and by that I mean he handles his kids/you handle yours/no one pays for the other's children etc.) then you really need to consider whether you should be living together. Your burden will only increase financially and emotionally, if you aren't both making an equal contribution all around. As the partner who is making more of the contribution, you will only become more and more resentful.
I feel for you, this isn't an easy situation!
My husband puts a certain
My husband puts a certain amount in my checking account every month (the bills come out of that account automatically) and we split groceries. He makes a little less than me so he pays in a little less than me (which bothers him). We have done it this way for 17 years. He would never be ok with not paying anything towards the household, no matter how much housework he claimed to do!
If your partner is unwilling to pay his portion of the household bills, maybe he needs to get his own house. Then he will see what happens when he doesn't pay his bills.
He sounds like a mooch to me.
^^^^this!
^^^^this!
^^Agree
^^Agree
Im still wondering how you
Im still wondering how you pay ANY bills with 6 kids and only a part time job.
The OP gets CS and SS.
The OP gets CS and SS.
Yes I get SS and CS. Working
Yes I get SS and CS. Working part time w 6 kids isn't easy
I don't know how you do it.
I don't know how you do it. I think managing to do anything with 6 kids is quite an accomplishment! Sometimes I don't think I can manage my one...lol.
We don't know if the CS or SS
We don't know if the CS or SS is enough to support everyone in the home. Or if the CS is for all six kids.
You do NOT need this person
You do NOT need this person in your life. The minute the word toxic crossed your lips, you should have started packing up his things.
You pay him to sit with your kids, but does he pay you to watch his??
This man is taking advantage of you. I strongly advise you booting him from your home and breaking off the relationship.
He is not contributing to your life in any positive way.
Girl pack that man up and
Girl pack that man up and send him back home to mommy. To be honest, I'm surprised he even bothered to leave. :?
What grown ass man with two kids can afford to work only 12 hours a week?
This man is using you. Chances are he thinks you're so desperate for a man, (not many men are willing to date a woman with six kids) that you're willing to pay to keep one.
I'm new to this board, so I
I'm new to this board, so I DO NOT want to step on toes first crack out of the barrel, but in reading the original post....there is so much "his and mine" I never saw enough "we" to even argue over anything. This sounds like a business, not a marriage....let alone a stable family for any of you! Sounds like yall should end it now and do your own thing and never ever make an attempt to re marry anybody else til these kids are grown and gone.
I have two skids and DH and I
I have two skids and DH and I are expecting our first child together. Right now, I pay half the mortgage, utilities, cell etc. I pay 60% of my car payment and he pays the other 40% plus his own car payment (we switched cars and he destroyed my car, so I got a new car). I rarely pay for groceries for the household because my skids waste so much food and I don't necessarily agree with what he feeds them. I don't pay for clothes (unless it's a gift) or their other extracurricular activities. He gets zero help from BM.
Wow that's crazy.... This is
Wow that's crazy....
This is not a blended family, it sounds very unlike a partnership for love or affection and very much like a business proposition.
For example, eventually how much will it cost you for a hug or to get him to put the dishes away from the dishwasher? Nickle and diming each other to death is the perfect way to describe it.
Why does someone with 2 kids and responsibilities only work 12 hours a week? Why does someone with 6 kids only work part-time?
Unless you want to be a sugar Momma to this very immature man, kick him out. Move on with your life!