It's a proud day in my household: DH and I managed to have a productive, positive conversation with my ex-husband. You have no idea how good that feels! So instead of sharing the usual 50 shades of frustration, i can offer you tonight a bit of post-holiday cheer.

My two teenagers have been at their dad's since Xmas. Mind you, he does not celebrate Xmas but wanted to pick the boys up on Xmas morning. Even my DH, who is usually pretty relaxed, was annoyed: who does something like that? We celebrate Xmas and why do we need to do it in a hurry to accommodate people who do not care about accommodating us? That is a whole nother post... so today, after my older son and i texted each other back and forth about them returning to us on 1.1.14, and me wishing them a happy new year, a car pulls up and my younger son emerges. We were dumb-founded - the boys were not supposed to be back yet! at least according to what my son told me. My ex stopped all communication with us a while ago. The SM and I had a period of "meeting of the minds" last year but that did not last.

So this afternoon, in the pouring rain, DH and i go out to see who is there, and it is my BS14 and my ex. I asked what was happening and was told he had to go to another city where he works, so the boys are back with us as the ex has plans. I said, "We have plans too and why don't you change yours? Or if you don't want to, come in and let's have a chat." DH invited him also, adding that kids should not be used as messengers and adults should talk. Th ex refused to budge and got on the phone with his wife. She began screaming at him about my older son having been told they were going to go back today. It was pathetic. We went into the house, as the rain was coming down hard. The ex continued to sit in the car. I ended up sending my younger son back out again to invite his dad to come in. After much hemming and hawing, and both of us, me and DH, going out in the rain one more time to invite him to come in, he finally did.

We sent my son to his room, sat down to talk and proceeded to actually get a good coversation going. DH told him he needs to let us know when visitation would happen so that we could plan our lives. When he does not do that we feel as hostages. The ex promised to try and send us the weekends that he would take the kids next year, DH printed him out the school calendar so he would know when the boys are off, and we agreed to meet again in January to discuss college-related issues for my older son. The ex apologized for keeping us waiting in the rain, and told DH that he appreciates everything DH does for the boys. I almost fell off my chair. Hearing that was fabulous! DH praised my BS17 driving and both men talked about driving with my son for a while.

The entire episode from beginning to end lasted about 30 minutes, punctuated by the incessant ringing of the ex's phone: the SM called him about 20 times all told. It was so intrusive and obnoxious that my DH and I ended up first smiling and then laughing a little at her constant injecting of herself into the conversation. I suggested to the ex that he put her on speakerphone. He did not want to do that. Unexpectedly, it created a certain bonding among the three of us: we wanted to talk, to get some momentum going and resolve the issues, but we had to constantly stop in order to deal with her anxiety. When i laughed at the phone ringing yet again, the ex said good-naturedly, "You think this is funny? This is a problem!" You bet it is!

The phone can be turned off, you know.

The moral of the story is, trust your husband and let him be. If the SM does not want to look ridiculous and controlling, she needs to back off of the role of the puppeteer.

Another moral is, of course, that Step-Dads have it easier than SMs. But easy or hard, i was just happy for the DH. It is nice to have your role acknowledged with gratitude. He really deserved it.