Bah Humbug - unless it's the skids, of course!
In the past few years, I've noticed that my SO is adopting a more "bah humbug" attitude about the holidays: sarcastic about "sappy" holiday music & movies, gripes about shopping, doesn't willingly or happily keep up with standard traditions like tree trimming & house decoration, whines about having to do Christmas cards for his relatives, etc. You get the picture.
I do know that many people don't like doing this holiday stuff, and I'm not judgemental in that regard.
BUT ... the difference here is when it comes to his adult daugher, well then, let's pull out the stops. He asks her what she wants and will get all that and more besides. He willingly got up at the crack of dawn to hit the mall (I went with), and cheerfully went Disney Daddy over gifts for her. He then went out TWICE later on by himself, to get her more gifts because he didn't thnk she had enough.
While at the mall, I stopped a few times to try to look at things I was interested in, and he quickly hustled me along because he was "done" at that point. I thought if I showed him a few things I liked, it would make it easier for him to get something for me. No interest, though, because he "hates" shopping - evidently unless it's for his DD.
Once he was done with her, he then goes back to his "I hate the holidays" mode and starts bitching and moaning about how he has no idea what to get me. Unlike his DD, he has never ASKED me what I would like, nor has he paid attention to things I'm not-so-subtly trying to point out to him.
I hope I'm not coming across as a gift-grubber, because that's not my intent. It's really about the ATTITUDE.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this kind of holiday mania in their spouse/SO. I assume it stems from some sort of guilt and subconsciously (or not so sub-consciously) trying to "make it all better" to the skids (no matter how old) for the never-ending divorce.
Well, I did notice there are
Well, I did notice there are now a couple of gifts for me under the tree. AND a card with the tell-tale sign that it contains some kind of gift card. If he is resorting to a gift card for me, it will be time to have a talk!
Cat - That is an interesting
Cat - That is an interesting observation, that your DH can be "safe" in disappointing you but not his kids. I think that's exactly what is happening in my case, too.
Maybe it is reflective of their relationships with their kids. They go overboard with everything (not just material, but emotionally) as though they have to constantly prove that they really love their kids. Or to remain competitive with the BM for kids affection.
But when it comes to spouses/SOs, it's just assumed that your presence signifies that you are all-in and thus they don't worry about us.
Unless they go too far overboard and we walk. There's been enough evidence of that on these boards, for sure!
And those of us with adult skids know all too well it doesn't stop when they reach 18. It can go on and on and on. I often tell that to the youngsters on the general discussion board. Come over here and read the sad tales if you think your troubles are going to end when the skids reach 18! It's pretty eye-opening, I think.
I would have even loved to
I would have even loved to just enjoy the holidays with DH, but BM does this thing every year where she grows a heart and offers him SD on Christmas and New Year's ¨if he wants her.¨
DH and I have never gone out on New Year's Eve. This year we were supposed to belatedly celebrate our wedding anniversary on Christmas Day since the real date coincided with his weekly skid visit, but no, more skid time.
Happy Holidays. Blech.
Ha ha, that's funny about the
Ha ha, that's funny about the terrible wrapping! Which reminds me of another thing I noticed which is strange - SD always wraps her father's gifts in paper and ribbon and bows. Mine are always dropped in gift bags. I'm not complaining about something as trivial as that, but maybe it is reflective of the overall thought involved.
Also shows how thoughtful she
Also shows how thoughtful she is, buys in bulk and gives everyone the same thing whether they need/want them or not!
Oh geez, he has lupus? I'm
Oh geez, he has lupus? I'm sorry. I have a very rare auto-immune disease myself. The medications are almost worse than the disease. I hope your DH doesn't have to take prednisone. I do and I swear it's the worst thing in the world ever! Anyways, I just wanted to tell you I know what he's going through even though my disease is different; it packs the same punch. It's hard and exhausting. Good luck to you both. I pray they find a cure for us someday.
Thank you for your thoughts
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Wow, I just saw this post right now and I am moved to tears. My god your DH has been through a lot. How much can the human body endure? He sounds like a true survivor You're right, every time I go in for treatment, there always is someone there worse off than I am. prednisone since 1985? I don't know if I could to it. Your DH is stronger than I am; that's for sure. I've been on prednisone for 3 years. It's so disfiguring. Your DH's story have given me hope that I too can beat the odds and live for longer than we think. Every time I start complaining about this massive weight gain (And all the other side effects) my DH reminds me that I'm alive. I'm in one of my feel sorry for myself moods today. Thank you for sharing your experience. I don't know why but sharing experiences can really help. It's the knowledge of knowing you're not alone. You also bring up the point, no one can see the suffering. They see the weight gain and the fat face and that's all. Other people can't see the excruciating physical pain and the emotional turmoil that people like us experience. All the meds, fighting with the insurance company to get life saving treatments, family members that think i just need to be grateful and toughen up/suck it up; it goes on and on. It's nice to talk to someone that understands and I can tell that you do. Thanks again for your support and for validating my feelings.
I'm sorry but jewelry that
I'm sorry but jewelry that falls apart after a month is unacceptable. You can buy beautiful costume jewelry that lasts for years. I would know as it's my favorite thing to buy for myself. Leaving the price tag on is classless
You need to tell your husband
You need to tell your husband how his actions are making you feel. When I read things like this, I can't help but thank God that my bf doesn't have a daughter...
Skeeter-- How dare these 2
Skeeter--
How dare these 2 bitches act like this when he has lupus. I'm sorry but now I'm pissed as I know how awful this is. The last thing auto-immune patients need (or anyone for that matter) is our children acting like assholes! Sorry, this is now personal for me. Everyday is a challenge just to get out of bed and I am not old. I am young and I can only imagine that your DH must be older than me, therefore probably has more complications (I pray I'm wrong). Ok, these girls are immature and selfish. Can you tell I'm mad? My DH does his best to protect me from the step-demon and since she's "disappeared" our life together has become so much better. I feel for you too skeeter, I know how hard it is on the spouse when your loved one is sick. I see the sadness in my husbands eyes every time I fall, can't wash my hair or just get dressed. He's watched prednisone make me gain 60 pounds and watches my hair fall out by the handfuls. I was pretty and thin when this happened. Now I'm just a shadow of what I used to be. I see the despair when I'm in the hospital, hooked up to all kinds of IV's getting chemo. He sits there for 8 hours with me and he gets just as exhausted as I do. Skeeter, bless you for standing by him and being there for him. It's hard on you too. Chronic disease effects the entire family, not just the patient. Your DH is so lucky to have you. F his damn daughter and F his granddaughter. On that note, as hard as it is, you are a nice lady (I can tell from your posts); Hang in there. Now, I have to go shopping for DH. Thank god I have my 14 year old son to help. It's hard to shop and be on my feet so I know what your DH had in mind when he sent his bitch daughter to shop for you. His heart was in the right place but his daughter is so full of hate she can't even help her own father buy a nice gift for his beautiful wife of over 30 years (I think you said you've been married for 34???) If I knew you, I would help him myself! I mean that. Ok, I've gone off enough. Have a nice day and I hope to talk to you soon.
Lots of love to both of you and happy holidays
Amber
Skeeter, Thanks for your kind
Skeeter,
Thanks for your kind words. Hugs to you too. Your message was very encouraging. There is a lot I want to say to you but I already feel like I've hijacked this thread so I'll leave it at that. Have a good night
Amber
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head that it stems from guilt, at least to some extent
My DH will do this for YSD...never ceases to surprise me how overboard he will go when it comes to her and all the trouble for the perfect mushy card to go with the gifts etc.. etc...but he doesn't do this for his eldest daughter, or anyone else in his family...
DH feels guilt about the divorce where both his daughters are concerned but his eldest daughter he is disappointed in and embarrassed by, and YSD is his all time favorite who he couldn't be more proud of....
I wondered once if DH put nearly the same amount of thought into gifts for me, but then have to remind myself his relationship with YSD is different than mine....he doesn't feel the same guilt (boy I think he should though!) nor fear of me walking out of his life (wouldn't that change things somewhat?!) nor the fatherly pride of course
Sometimes its hard for SM's to accept, but it's so common
it helped me a lot to try and not compare the two relationships
DH never asked me what I
DH never asked me what I wanted for Christmas or my Birthday and I wound up with presents I didn't need or want. The year after we got married he proudly presented me with a box containing a pound of coffee and a gift certificate for an oil change. He really meant well but even the guy at the oil change shop said HE knew better than to give this to his wife. I've also received the easy, thoughtless gift card present. One thing I learned a bit late is to be very specific about what you want. Make a list of items he can choose from in October. And make sure they cost at least as much as he is spending on SD. You're worth it!!!
Boy, thanks everyone for a
Boy, thanks everyone for a very interesting discussion! Glad to see that I'm not alone in this (minor) frustration. All in all, when reading about what others go through on a day to day basis (Skeeter, my thoughts are with you!) I really can't complain too much.
This is the time of year to count blessings, so I will try to focus on that and let the annoyances slide.
Here's wishing you all have some peace and "good tidings", too!