FH Afraid of treating kids differently
FH recently told me that he "actually feels like a first time father"... and has mixed feelings about it. He gets to experience day to day life with our BS2 and he loves every minute of it, from potty training to the cute things toddlers say. But then he confessed
he is terrified that SS8 will feel left out and unloved and compare himself to our BS2. He doesn't want to have a different relationship with one son than the other.
(He divorced early in SS life and has only seen him every other weekend since he was 6 months old.)
He's so afraid of this that he becomes Disneyland dad, and treats SS like a prince when he's around. Therefore, not disciplining or earning any respect of any kind, etc.
What makes things worse is since BS was born we've only been able to afford to see SS once a month sometimes... and my inlaws make FH feel super guilty about this, even though he's doing the best he can.
I tried to reassure him that he's doing his best and I KNOW he's loves both of his children.
But it's impossible to have the SAME relationship with them, as each has their own set of circumstances...
Is this the wrong way to look at the situation? Should I have said something else?
It's true! Their
It's true! Their relationships and circumstances are and will always be different. But this Disney dad shit is NOT the answer to this issue by any stretch. I wish these idiot men would GET that! He is just going to make his kid turn into a spoiled, selfish, entitled asshat!
He does know that even if he
He does know that even if he had two children with you, the love and relationship with both of them will be different as well, right? Children are not an all encompassing general idea, they are individuals with their own special way of interacting with the people and the world around them.
I think a lot of parents fear this for some reason. I mean I can't imagine loving a second child as much as BD right now, but I know I will, even though it will be different. DH doesn't want another kid because he thinks he can't possibly love and adore anyone else as much as BD. I roll my eyes at him even though I can sort of understand.
It will be different because I no longer am a first time mom. I am a different person than I was, even yesterday. And thus our relationship will be different. But different is not synonymous with bad or less.
Just my 2 cents.
PS. I also think the sooner he accepts that their relationship is going to be different, the sooner he can start having a REAL relationship SS.
we try to see him more often,
we try to see him more often, I even send FH on his own sometimes to try to make it more often but because BM lives 5 hours away and its a weekend trip with expenses including gas and food, it's just not feasible.
That is simply not an option
That is simply not an option for most people with children from a broken relationship. Especially if custodial parent lives in another town. DH would love to have SD more than EOWE. Well, he does have 8 weeks in the summer, thanksgiving break, spring break & 1/2 winter break as well. But he could never spend as much time with her as he can with our future children. It's just impossible.
There was a time when I saw DH only EOWE if lucky. We lived a few hours apart before I graduated. It was only for 3 years, but our relationship still thrived. Obviously, because he went from BF to DH.
It's just one of those things
It's just one of those things that can't be helped. As long as FH does what he can for both of his kids then he isn't doing anything wrong. My SO often gets conscious about not spending enough time with his BDs (despite seeing them once a week) but tells me he can't wait to become a dad again (when we have kids) because he will get to live with the kids and see everything. It's just a matter of circumstance that can't be changed and I don't think your SS will grow up to become resentful towards his dad as long as he knows in his heart that his dad did all he could to see him and was always on the end of the phone whenever he wanted him. So many dads aren't even interested in their kids lives, SS and BS are lucky to have a dad who loves and wants to be with them
You actually expect your
You actually expect your husband to have a real father-son relationship with your step son? He sees the kid once a month. He's going to be an uncle figure at best, and I'm pretty sure the discipline will have to stay on that level too.