No Idea What I'm Doing!

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Hello, Just need to vent of sorts.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We met while he was stationed in California. Our marriage is great, we happened to be the whole, two broken souls that have become whole because one another. When we first started dating, he didn't tell me he had children (out of fear I would run, which I would have.)but when he did I felt already connected to him. So I gave it a chance and fell in love. 2-3 of his kids are great.

His Ex-Wife is crazy. She has 4 kids, the first was a teen pregnancy, the 2nd two are biologically his and the last one is a product of a one night stand that my husband later adopted. (He married her twice. She cheated on him during his deployment and he divorced her. She called him up one day and said his kids were starving and homeless. He flew all of them out to live with him, only to see her at the airport, pregnant.) He married her, she had the baby and the baby got his last name. She is treated no different and loved just the same.

Now, I come into the picture after she cheated on him with his friend, again while deployed. Husband pay child support for all his 3 (the oldest one dropped out of highschool and got pregnant). She has not been able to keep a job for longer than 6 months, the job she loses is usually around the holidays. So he buys all the Christmas gifts, pays for school supplies, pays for clothes, yada Yada.

His daughters are ages: 18,16 and 12. The oldest one just left for college and is doing great. The middle one is now pregnant and the youngest is now being ignored. She lashed out to get attention the mom started yelling at her so SD12 threatened to beat up her mother.

Now, I dont like the BM, I find her foul, nasty, disgusting leech that uses people and then plays the martyr but I will not allow ANY child I am connected to threaten their mother. So I requested that SD12 come visit me for the summer break (her school is on a track schedule). The BM tried to fight it because my Husband is doing a hardship tour overseas. My SD12 wanted to go and threw a fit (after the BM told her she didnt have time to take her back and fourth to try-outs for a sport), causing stress to the teen mom of the house, so off to me she came.

I laid down my house rules BEFORE she came to stay with me.
-Since she is not 15, no Makeup.
-No body piercing of any kind besides ears.
-No cursing, yelling, and no threatening.
-If you want food, eat as much as you want but clean up after.
-Keep room clean, respect my stuff and I will do the same.
-If you make friends, I meet them and their parents before sleeping over.
-You want spending money, you earn it. I dont do the allowance,I will not pay you to behave.
-Use table manners, respect others, respect your elders.
-Not allowed to get or have a Boyfriend.
- I Get passwords for phone, facebook, other things and will check them if I feel she is up to no good.

She agreed, and even said she has no curfew, she cusses, wears makeup since 10 (no wonder her 16 year old sister is pregnant!). We had a few issues in the beginning, but have become close. She had issues with my rules, as to be expected. Screamed she wanted to go home. Then she flourished! She is respectful, funny, intelligent and is having a blast. Since I talked to my husband everyday, she talks to him and is even happier. We ride our horses, quads, hike and have girly days. I can work from home a lot and she has even expressed her interest in my field of work and my also veterinary medicine. I "gave" her, her own horse for the time of her stay and she is waking up at 6am to feed, turnout, clean her horse. She self confidence has improved greatly as well as her sense of responsibility .

Now the issue.- She lowered contact with her mother. When SD12 and I had our fights, she would call mom who would attempt to curse me out and threaten me (wonder where the kids learned it) saying she has no problem going to jail over my ass. Now that SD12 is doing much better and thriving under guidance she barely emails her mother once a week. Her mother has resorted to trash talking me on FB, because I have no biological children.

My SD12 now wants to move in. She gets the attention and guidance she needs and craves. She doesnt get made fun of for her pregnant sister and I think she also enjoys living in a home with no financial stress. I told her she is more than welcome to live with me but there will be more rules, involving school, grades, travel and so on. She seems fine with it, for now.

But she is torn because she told me she need to take care of her mother and pregnant sister.

How do I explain to her that she shouldnt NEED to take care of them, that it should be the other way around?

I am unsure if I actually want her to live with me because I dont have children but I cannot tell her no because it's my husband's child. Also, I fear she will wind up a pregnant dropout teen with a rapsheet a mile long because her mother is more concerned about her own love life than her children. I feel bad for her, I pity her but also do not want to do this because honestly, what her mother said is completely true!! I have no clue how to raise a child!!!

Where did anyone get the idea

Where did anyone get the idea that a 12yo gets to decide where to live?

I agree. But unfortunately,

I agree. But unfortunately, my husband does have a flaw (as all people do I suppose). He would rather his children love him than hate him for his decisions as a father.

We went through a rough patch when the SD16 got pregnant, I told him I will not support a child that is not his or mine. So if he decides to front the bill for his daughter's baby, than it will either lead to a divorce of us being in a marriage with separate finances.

I also fear that the SD16 will want to move in with her baby, which is a HELL NO.

He was abandoned as a child by his parents so he fears his children will feel the same if he forces them into a situation that they don't want to be in.

I know if SD12 says she wants to live with mom, she will get too. I also know that if she moves in, I refuse to be disrespected. I know her mother would support her acting up if she was forced to live with us.

I understand that. And it

I understand that. And it does sound as though you've done a good job. But regardless - neither of these kids - 12 OR 16 - get to decide to move in. But YOU get to say HELL^NO!

I did not see it that way,

I did not see it that way, thank you.

I would be fine if the youngest or even the oldest wanted to move it. Yes it would be an adjustment but nowhere near where it would be if the 16year old moved it.

My issues is the 16 year old is pregnant. She refuses to get a job, said that high school is more important (she is home schooled after she cursed out a teacher for telling her she cannot wear flip flops.)

She is too selfish and rude to even consider she would be a moderately good mother. I have no idea how she prepares to take care of that child. I feel if she were to move in, she would just use and use until there is nothing left.

I think I expressed myself

I think I expressed myself poorly - I'm sorry.

Legally, neither of those girls get to choose to move in - unless both parent agree. You, however, do have veto power since it is your home (Dad could override you wrt his 16yo - likely at a cost to your marriage).

Point being, if Mom decides to fight it? She may well prevail. For better or worse, the legal standard of parenting is quite low, and simply being a household that can provide more/better/etc. may not be enough. Not being mean - just trying to prepare you for how things could go legally.

^^^^^^^ but better yet how

^^^^^^^ but better yet how does someone overseas apply for custody of a minor child to be given to a SM?

I think it is great you are trying to help, I think it is great that your SD is responding well to you. But I also think that unless her Dad is here (which really isnt her Dad by blood but...) that it would be virtually impossible for you to get your SD full time with out him being present UNLESS BM chose to sign her over to you. Which I doubt will happen because if he does BM loses funds that your DH is supplying (sad but true)

a visit is simple, what you are talking about is much more legally complicated then you may realize. There is an agreement that BM will probably not give, it could be a court filing. And even at that with your husband over seas there is a Power of Attorney that is needed, a change in school venue, a reduction of child support for BM.

It is a nice thought and you sound like a wonderful person but I think your under estimating how much is involved

and right now this is like being on vacation, your doing all the fun stuff and the rules you laid out are pretty simple rules most kids have so they wouldnt be hard to conform to for a 12 year old.

think of it this way, you go to an island for vacation it is beautiful and wonderful. you lay in the beach you frolick in the sun, ride horses. your days are filled with interesting new things to do. but vacation is not the same as living on that island. now you have to work, pay bills, take care of the house ect. the vacation things enjoyed so much are no longer daily occurances but things you yearn to do every day but dont have time to. of course things are great to a 12 year old right now, she is on vacation

The husband will be home in

The husband will be home in less than a couple months. But since he is in the Military there is no guarantee he will be required to move. We own our home and I have a career here, with my home. I agree that it would be fighting tooth and nail with the BM because wouldnt the child support be canceled since she has one child and we would have the other?

You're right when you suggest there is a lot more. I have never been married until now and I have never been involved with a man with children. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing or how much is involved.

I see a HUGE battle ensuing if he tried to get custody of her because that means no money for their mother.

and if you mention this word

and if you mention this word in an way shape or form in any post on steptalk : Divorce which you just mentioned in your response above we will all advise not to do this.
(We went through a rough patch when the SD16 got pregnant, I told him I will not support a child that is not his or mine. So if he decides to front the bill for his daughter's baby, than it will either lead to a DIVORCE of us being in a marriage with separate finances)

I do not want one, I love him

I do not want one, I love him and his kids, in way, kinda?

I just won't be used in any way, especially by my finances. I would be definitely the last resort. I (sadly) have a second option if he starts paying for the child, which is going to separate bank accounts.

It makes me sad to even see me type that, I just dont want to be use, esp. by his kids that way. I also do not want to see him getting used.

He said he will not pay for the kids, and he is a man of his word so I'm sure he will stick to his guns, just a little unsure.

I don't know where you got

I don't know where you got the idea that you don't know how to raise a child! Sounds like you are doing a better job than either of her parents! And as a childless SM myself, I actually get that comment a lot. That I am better for her than her own parents, because I actually parent her rather than just give her what she wants. My SD respects me more, listens to me more and talks to me more than she does BM. She sounds like she is thriving with you, but if you don't want to do this, then you need to speak up with yourself. But don't give up because some cunt that opened her legs says you have no clue, SHE HAS NO CLUE! Any bitch can open her legs and pop out a kid, it takes a real woman to be a real mother, step or otherwise.

Thank you, I was raised in a

Thank you, I was raised in a strict home and just applied what my parents did with me. She is awful, I try to get along but she trashes me all she can. Told me I was a failure because I chose a career over having my own children and even shamed me because I want a baby. Said he will already be a grandfather and I was a selfish woman to make him a father again.

I know this is insecurity and even maybe jealously. She also tells her kids I'm going to burn in hell because I'm an atheist.

It's harder to take some days than others.

Before agreeing to have her

Before agreeing to have her move in permanently I would think carefully about how you would cope if her previous behaviour resurfaced, particularly given that your DH is away for long periods leaving you with sole responsibility.

Like you I had a problem stepdaughter move in, just before she turned 14. For the first few months there was a dramatic turnaround in her behaviour, I am very much on your wavelength with regard to rules and structure and initially she responded well, we bonded and spent some happy time together. Unfortunately her problems, many of which are rooted in her childhood and relationship with her alcoholic mother, were too deep seated and eventually they began to resurface as she surreptitiously began acting out all the same self destructive behaviour. There is a great big hole in her self esteem that I was just not able to fill as her stepmother and It was extremely stressful and hurtful. Eventually she ended up moving back to her mothers, where she went through the same cycle of a honeymoon period of seeming improvement for 6 months before again slipping into the same behaviour.

It's great that you've had such a positive impact on her so far, and your SD may not have the deep seated problems that mine does, but just be aware that it may not continue, and that you may ultimately find that she does not appreciate your efforts the way you deserve.

I fear this, greatly and also

I fear this, greatly and also how I would handle it.

I do not see how she wouldnt have deep rooted issues. Her mother lives paycheck (which in no means makes her a bad person)but she has a big screen T.V. but cannot afford clothes for her kids? Well, it's more like Child support to Child Support instead of paychecks. She brings men into the children's lives she just met. She is now married to a man who she has known for 3 months. Every man she meets, she introduces to the kids.

She leans on them more than they lean on her. I fear she is actually happy about the 16 year old being pregnant. Because she claimed she was depressed when her 18 year old went off to college (she even got meds and skipped work). The 16 year olds chances of flying away are now none existent. She wont be able to go to college. She will be living on limited funds, just like her. It seems people who have no idea what success is, are the first to support something like a teen mother.

To his Ex- men are nothing more than to be used for money. Which is the wost thing a mother can teach her daughter. I also know that her mother is telling them to not listen to me, to tell me off when they see fit. Once she even told her child to smack some sense into me.

I was raised in a strict family. If I mouthed off to my parents like that, I got smacked.

It sounds like you have been

It sounds like you have been the most positive aspect in her life. No pressure, but you may be what keeps her from ending up like her mother and sister.

I agree. I guess the question

I agree. I guess the question is how much am I willing to sacrifice? I knew he had kids, I knew they are important to him. I knew that would mean me taking a backseat to them.

But I feel if I have to step up shouldnt they too? The youngest, as it turned out already has a boyfriend and is allowed to go hangout with him whenever she pleases. I feel if I do not step in, she will end up pregnant. Esp. since she sees all the positive attention her sister is receiving since she became pregnant.

My mother tells me that I am taking too much responsibility on myself, that in the end they are their kids, not mine. But shouldnt I be doing this if this is best for the family (My husband and his kids?)

This is a very big decision

This is a very big decision so you should wait until your DH is home and you can sit down and discuss it face to face. It needs to be a join decision after you know how the other feels. In my opinion, this isn't a "sacrifice". You are helping a young girl hopefully become a responsible and successful woman. She will look on you more as a mother than her real mother. The BM will never step up so don't even waste your time thinking she should.

Thank you for the advice. I

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely talk to the husband when he returns. I agree with their mother. Since she is starting to get shaking since the two oldest are in and near adulthood. I know she will do anything to keep the youngest since that means more money.

Your mother is right. My

Your mother is right. My mother also told me that and I ignored her because I thought I knew best and that if I cared enough and put enough effort into my relationship with SD I could make everything good. I was wrong. I wish I had listened to her and taken more of a back seat in helping SD.

I respect your perspective on

I respect your perspective on all of what you have shared regarding your SDs. Know this, kids don't come with a parenting manual. Good parents learn from their first child and perfect parenting with subsequent spawn.

Bad parents never figure it out.

You get it. Obviously. Your success with SD 12 is proof that you get it.

So if you do end up with one or all of your SDs you will be just fine.

Though your SD16 seems to be completely out of touch with the reality of her situation as a 16 & pregnant future teen mom with the right example and sized boot up her butt she might figure it out. My DW certainly did. She had SS21 when she was 16 and went on to graduate from high school with her class and with honors, completed a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and has had a successful career as a CPA. She did work in HS though. The owner of the local small town DQ where she worked in HS told me when I met him at my DWs 20th HS reunion this past summer that she went from being a ditzy bubble headed 16yo to his best employee literally over night. She told him about her pregnancy several months after she found out she was pregnant. He told me he knew something had changed with her and her transformation was immediate and extreme. She went from being a 16yo girl to an adult instantly. Maybe your SD16 would do the same with the right input from her dad and from you.

As my tagline says, parents are examples, mentors, confidantes, advocates and disciplinarians. They are not a buddy to their children. You seem to understand this very clearly.

Just my thoughts of course.

Good luck.

Your wife is the definition

Your wife is the definition of success! You must be very proud of her. Unfortunately, my SD16 has been raised in a very immature fashion by her Bio mother. Sadly I do not see her going anywhere near her the success your DW made. My Husband is literally the only one who is telling her the reality of it. Her Bio mother doesn't want to get her a job and now her new husband (SD16's new Stepfather) is offering to "help out". It's infuriating nonetheless. I know I seem hard on her but all I want is the best for her. I will pass along your wife's story of success to her, maybe give her something to consider.

As much as I hate to admit it, she will more than likely follow her mother's footsteps. My husband and I are the only one's pushing her to finish High school.

That is exactly what her Bio Mother is to her daughters, a friend more than anything else. The bio mother has been through so many marriages and boyfriends, she had developed an unhealthy mental relationship with her daughters.

In the state that I live the

In the state that I live the child the at the age of 13 can decide which parent that choose to live with. I am not sure about the state she lives in. The laws there are ridiculous, allowing a child over the age of 12 to get married without parents consent if she is pregnant with the future father's child.

Can I be so bold as to ask

Can I be so bold as to ask which states? Because, as far as I know, one state allows a child to file an affidavit of preference at 14, ad one state which allowed a 14yo's preference to be the determining factor in a custody chsnge has changed it to be a mitigating factor.
i do not know of a state that allows a q3yo to choose - bu tI would love to be educated!