Step-monsters and dads with Alzheimers
This one is about me and my step-monster rather than SS7 and vile BM. I have the step-monster from hell. I could write for hours all the things she has done over the years to alienate me and my sister. There is no love loss between us but we are all really good at playing nice for my dad's sake. My parents divorced when I was 13 and we "lost" our dad for about 10 years (he had his head buried up his ass) but he realized what he lost in the process and we have all worked to have a great relationship again. It's been wonderful to see my sons get the father I never had by my dad being there and helping them and loving them as a grandfather.
The dilemma is that my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers about 3 years ago. He is slowly getting worse. My sister and I have offered to help but step-monster always does one of two things - plays the martyr and gets all "woe is me! I have to do it all!" or she abuses our offers of help. Example, I live about 1 1/2 hours from my dad. I will go to visit with the intention of giving her a break. I clearly state how long I can stay. She will always take longer than what we agreed on getting back from her errands (she says shopping but I know it's gambling). She also won't tell my sister or me what medications he is taking or where their important papers are, such as living will, power of attorney, etc. I've repeatedly told her I don't want to know what's in the papers but just where they are kept because if there was an accident or something and she couldn't make decisions for my dad it would fall to my sister and me. She says we don't need to know and it's none of our business.
Any recommendations on how to find out the important aspects regarding my dad would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to know how much money they have or the value of their house. It's not about that at all. I just want to ensure that my dad is getting everything he needs.
Why wouldn't she be able to
Why wouldn't she be able to make decisions?
Say there is a car wreck and
Say there is a car wreck and she's in a coma or died. Then decisions would fall to my sister and me.
Aaaah.
Aaaah.
I think, as difficult as this
I think, as difficult as this will be, you've got to accept that this is how she is or not offer to help/ask questions anymore. Yes, this will be difficult. But it sounds like your dad worked all this out.
You might also want to look online for an Alzheimer's support forum for those with loved ones afflicted by it.
(((HUGS)))
Yeah, there's really not a
Yeah, there's really not a lot you can do in this situation. My SF is a hot holy mess, he's 10 years younger than my mom, and I'm sure if anything happened to my mom he wouldn't have the $$$ to bury her (he's driven them into BK/foreclorure more times than I can count), he would have to sponge the money off his rich family. But my brother and I know nothing of papers, last wishes, nothing. There will be no money so that's not an issue but I doubt I'll even get so much as a pair of my mom's socks as a momento. You just have to accept it, I myself have given it over to God.
I could care less if I
I could care less if I receive a penny when my dad passes away. She's been successfully spending his money for years and I have what I want already - a loving dad and the family canoe! LOL No kidding. Dad had a canoe that is older than me and I jokingly said I wanted it when he passed away. The next day he showed up with the canoe!
I would love to go to some of his doc appointments and have a copy of whatever schedule she has for him but she blows me off every time. It's very frustrating! Maybe I will have to give it over to God.
I agree with Love4lemons.
I agree with Love4lemons.
You've offered your support and help, there is nothing more you can do, if she doesn't want to take it then let her be, concentrate on spending the time with your dad and don't let your SM get to you.
The hardest part is when my
The hardest part is when my sister and I make arrangements to spend time with our dad. We have to coordinate things through her because he can't remember. We are always super cautious of what we chose and where we go to not make him uncomfortable. He's OK at my house for example but there's no way he could handle going to my sister's house out west (unfamiliar territory). We make plans, finalize everything with step-monster and then she doesn't show with him or lies. But she visits her sister all the time (who lives in the same town that I do) and doesn't even call. The last time she did this step-monster and dad ran into my youngest son. She literally said to BS14, "Well good we saw you. Now we don't have to come to your house tomorrow like Papa wanted." Hello?? Am I not worthy enough to spend time with my dad? She's a piece of work!
Maybe the best thing to do is
Maybe the best thing to do is then hun is just visit him at his house, if you can make a set day during the week or something and then SM knows when you will be there and will hopefully get use to the routine of it and if she still does other things on the days you are going round, calmly and politely have a talk to her about it, ask her why she's acting this way because like you said he's your dad and your children's granddad and if need be say that you come to see her too to make sure she's doing OK. Say to her even though you guys may have not always seen eye to eye, this is not the time for it and that you all need to support your dad and each other.
I dont know if that will help or if you've already done that but i feel for you and i really hope something gets sorted for you and your sister
OMG what a bitch!
OMG what a bitch!
Do you think one of the
Do you think one of the reasons she is not more forth-coming with visits/sharing info/reaching out is that she can feel your hostility?
I don't openly act hostile
I don't openly act hostile around her. Like I said my sister and I go to great lengths to keep things harmonious for my dad. She's passive agressive hostile though. She was always trying to be my BFF and sucking up to me and my sons before she and dad got married. As soon as the ring hit her finger that all stopped. She knew the way to his heart, played it like a pro, and collected her winnings. She hasn't acknowledge my oldest son in years - to the point that he asked me why she doesn't speak to him anymore. By this time he was around 16 and I told him the truth. I said she's just a bitch. She's a very jealous person. She is jealous of my mom, some of dad's past girlfriends, and definitely me and my sister and my sons. My mom has been re-married forever but she hates that they have a "past" and when they see each other they sometimes talk about old friends (They are in their 70s and went to high school together. They are at the age where people talk about who has died or who is sick. It isn't ever about their married past). We don't want to compete with her. We just want to share in my dad's life.