Hello all,

I just want to begin by saying how incredibly happy i am to have found this site. While i only joined the community a few days ago, i have been on the site religiously for weeks now. It is so very comforting to know that i am not alone....because sometimes, i truly feel like i am. I also feel like a terrible person at times for feeling the way i do about my BF's kids.

A little backround on myself:

I'm a 36yo female with no bio kids. Never wanted any either. I met my BF about 2 years ago and we moved in together this past summer. My BF was always an amazing boyfriend to me although i am finding him to be less and less of that since we moved in together. I love my BF with all my heart but i am growing resentful towards him because of his terrible parenting and the fact that i feel like an outsider all of the time. I was VERY apprehensive about dating a man with children and i had never dated (or would have never even considered dating) a single father before him. But, i fell madly in love...what else is there to say?

His kids are good kids for the most part but there are most definitely issues. He has 2 boys, one is 14 and the other is 8 and he shares custody (50/50) with his ex. I don't blame the kids for their bad behaviours or disrespect because i know very well, it has everything to do with my BF and BM's bad parenting.
My BF and i had a very solid relationship...well at least up until i moved in with him. I moved into his home this summer and our relationship has been slowly deteriorating ever since. I am no longer his GF, i am merely a roommate in his home. I am a stay-at-home GF who does a lot for my BF and kids and for the most part, i don't mind. I do however expect some help, in spite of the fact that i am a SAHGF.
My BF kids don't do any chores whatsoever. They never have. They don't pick up after themselves and since my BF doesn't care, i am the one doing it because i can't stand to see the house in such a mess. When they're done eating, the plate stays at their place setting and they take off. It's obviously too much to take the plate, rinse it and stick it in the dishwasher. They will play with their toys, videogame systems, ipods etc and leave them on the floor anywhere in the house. They don't care. It'll get put away by their slave (me). Their rooms are beyond disaster with clothes and toys everywhere...and don't even get me started with the 8 inches of dust on their dressers. I refuse to clean it. They both have zero responsibilities both at BF's house and also BM's place (from what i hear). The problem is that the parents coddle their children to an extreme. The 8yo just starting bathing on his own a couple of months ago. I was floored when i heard this originally. My BF's excuse, "he's not sure how to turn the faucets on" and "he won't wash himself properly". Well duh...how about showing him!!! Anyways, that problem was rectified once i moved in. If his 8yo takes a massive poop, well he'll call his dad in to wipe him. My BF jumps to do it too. Sometimes, if the 8yo is in the bathroom and taking awhile, my BF will ask him if he wants his help. Are you shitting (no pun intended) me?!?! How do you expect this kid to ever be independent and self-sufficient? My BF does not let his 8yo do anything because he coddles him way too much. He doesn't want him to play outside with the neighbours kids in broad daylight just in case something were to happen. We live on a quiet street in the suburbs and he's known his neighbours for the last 15 years. I don't get it. He doesn't want his son to pour juice for himself because well, he might spill it. So what? How else is the poor kid gonna learn. Anyways, all this coddling has turned this sweet boy into a very clingy, starved-for attention little boy who runs the show anywhere he goes. He cannot play by himself, cannot stay in a room alone, cannot be babysat by anyone etc. The attention needs to be on him at all times. He will follow us anywhere we go, both inside and outside the house. I'll wake up in the morning and he'll jump my bones right away to sit next to him, to play a game with him etc. It's exhausting let me tell you. He demands my attention 24/7 and if i don't give him it he gets upset. He does not like it when i hug or kiss his father. He'll break us apart and tell me that i now have kiss/hug him, the same way i did his dad. Every freakin' single time. I'm not allowed to sit beside his father at the table or on the couch because i HAVE to sit beside him. And you know what, sometimes i really do want to sit beside my BF. But, i NEVER do. A few weeks ago the 3 of us were watching tv and the 8yo was on one couch and my BF on the other. I wanted to get close and snuggle with my BF so i did. Well the 8yo got moody and pouty, and marched upstairs into his room without saying a word. We both knew why he did that too. Anyways, what does my BF do? He goes upstairs (i really thought he was going to have a good talk with him but alas i was wrong) and gets into our bed with his son and watches tv with him there. I stayed alone in the living room downstairs. Unbelievable.
Another thing, my BF never goes to bed with me, he sleeps in his sons room with him. Before i moved in, his son slept in my BF's bed every single night he had him. No exceptions. Now, he goes to bed with him in his room, reads him a story, and waits until he falls asleep. Problem with that is that my BF falls asleep too so my BF only slips into our bed hours later. I cannot tell you how many times i waited up for him because i wanted to be intimate and he never came. Well, he did but only hours later once i was long asleep. This past weekend (both Sat & Sun) i went to bed and fell asleep alone (as always), my bf slipped into bed hours later and a couple of hours later after that, 8yo comes into the room for daddy (no idea why either) and daddy goes back and falls asleep in his bed. I am not a mean-spirited person and i think it's absolutely fine to cuddle with your 8yo at bedtime and read him a story. I think it's sweet that my BF does it actually. But once the cuddling and storytime is over, he should kiss him goodnight and get into bed with me, his partner. Instead, he insists that he waits until his sound asleep. My BF will even tell me that sometimes he thinks he's asleep but as he's leaving the bed, he'll say he wasn't completely asleep so he'll get back in with him until he's 100% asleep. I have brought up the issue and that it bothers me that i go to bed and sleep alone for the most part and nothing has changed. Should i say something again or should i just let it go?
The problem this is now creating is that i no longer want to be intimate with him when we don't have the kids. My resentment is telling me, "F*ck that..you don't want to get busy with me and sleep with me when we do have your kids but then when they are not there you could still get what you want. ". It turns me off beyond belief and it just shows how i play second fiddle to your kids.

The 14yo is just lazy and disrespectful at times. He does nothing to contribute. And i mean NOTHING. If his father asks him to do something 95% of the time he said he doesn't want to do it, even though his father tells him he will pay him for the help. He will very very rarely accept to help and the only time he does is if he desperately wants the cash. Now this something i would like to know if any of you out there go through. The 14yo rarely says hi or bye to me when entering or leaving the house. I find that excetionally disrespectful. I am ALWAYS the one that has to say something. I have been very ill for the past couple of weeks, went to the hospital on Friday, spent 10 hours there, diagnosed with an pneumonia, get back home and i'm lying on the couch alone, 14yo comes down the stairs, goes into the kitchen, i turn around to see who it is and of course no hi, no "how are you feeling", no "what did the doc say", no acknowledgement that i was even there. Very nice. I know some of you will say "ah but he's a teen blah blah" but i don't agree with that. As parents you should teach your children that the world does not only revolve around them. Get it into their heads. My BF was on the phone with his father a couple of weeks ago and the phone was on speaker so we could all speak to him. He was going through health issues and was telling us how they found cysts on his liver etc. well the 14yo gets up as he is telling us what they found in the ultra-sound, ipod in hand and goes to his room and closes the door. Umm his grandfather was talking about some serious and concerning stuff and you don't care???? WTF?? I find that disgusting. He never asked about his grandfather after that all. It's like he truly does not give a fuck about him. I loved my grandparents and i would have been unconsolable had i heard something like that about their health, even at his age. How could someone not care? My BF says nothing. I am disgusted. Teach your children to care...to have sympathy, empathy, teach them how to put themselves in other people's shoes at times and get out of their bubble. Using the excuse that "he's just a teen" is just that, an excuse. I was a teen too not that long ago and i was never unfeeling and self-absorbed the way he is. Sorry. I cared about people and their feelings. I was RAISED to. The 14yo has no respect for his elders and his father couldn't care less. If we (as in all 4 of us) are going somewhere, the 14 year old, will sit in the front seat of the car with his father. I sit in the back. My BF, well, he says nothing at all. This has happened several times and i spoke to my BF about this and nothing ever changed. I give up.
If we are visiting family, he ASKS his 14yo if he wants to go. Of course, he's gonna say no. Do you think a 14yo would rather stay home and play videogames or go visit his grandfather who doesn't even have cable? You TELL your kid that he's going period. It's called respect for God's sake. Anyways, he doesn't see his grandfather for months at a time because his father gives him the option. His granfather lives about 15 mins away btw. Terrible.
My BF allows his son to listen to his ipod as we're eating supper. Every single night. It's like we're not even there to 14yo. A few times, i asked him a question during supper and there is silence. My BF turns to me and says he can't hear me because he has his ipod on. No shit Sherlock. And instead of telling him to get those godd*mn things out of his ears because it's disrespectful, he says absolutely NOTHING.

Bottom line is that these are not my kids so i feel like i cannot say anything directly to them. I always spoke to my BF when i encountered something i did not like and he completely dismissed it. Sometimes, he'll agree with what i say but he has not taken one single step to change anything. Sad part is, that i've only been living with them since the summer and i'm already ready to disengage.