This is my first blog post, and it is going to be LONG. A little background: FH has a 12yo daughter, and I have a 14yo daughter and 8yo son. FH and I have lived together a little over a year now. His divorce began about 4 or 5 years ago, and was finalized almost 3 years ago. Mine was finalized about the same time as his, and we met a few months after the "divorce dust" settling for both of us.

My daughter has a history of pretty severe emotional issues, and lives with my parents, but visits regularly. Her issues are quite good now, with two therapists, medication, and the nearly military-school-like structure of my parents' home and their consistency. My son lives with FH and I, but visits his dad a lot. (5 of 14 nights). SD-to-be lives with her mother. FH was not fully exercising visitation rights until about 4 months ago. He would get his daughter on Saturdays, but she would want to go home before bed, so he would take her. I urged him to start the EOWE visitation he has rights to, and develop a real relationship with his daughter, and he agreed that it was important, and did.

We have VERY different views of how children should be disciplined, and the amount of guidance they need, and it is causing us problems. We were in couples' therapy for a few months for other issues, but touched on this, as well. I believe that children should ALWAYS be polite and respectful. There are no exceptions. They can disagree, or become very upset about not getting their way, that is their right, but they NEVER have the right to be disrespectful or rude to their parents (or any other adult that is responsible for them). No yelling, eye-rolling, profanity, or defiance. I should probably mention that I'm southern, so this includes saying "yes, ma'am" and respectfully addressing adults as "Mr." or "Mrs.", which I realize isn't necessarily commonplace in all parts of the country, and I probably expect more formal etiquette from children than the average American. I think that he would like for his daughter to be polite and respectful, but he certainly doesn't demand it, and it seems as if he thinks it will just magically happen without him insisting upon it. BM is even more lenient than he is. The result is a VERY spoiled, disrespectful, and downright rude child who throws absolute FITS if she doesn't get her way. (chews with her mouth open, talks with food in her mouth, yells at her father that she WILL NOT do something he's told her to do, and informs him that he can't make her, the list goes on and on) We've had several discussions about how to handle things with all three of the children, and I thought we had gotten to a point where we were on the same page... Boy, was I wrong.

Our wedding is scheduled for late March. His parents live very far away, but came to visit for Labor Day weekend, which aligned with his visitation. Our parents had not met before, so I planned a dinner for the entire family for the Saturday afternoon that they would be here. The two of us, all three children, and both sets of parents. I planned this for weeks, choosing a typical southern meal that his parents had never tried, and his mother and I had a wonderful time getting everything ready, down to putting out my china, and setting up a "children's table".

His daughter didn't want to eat the main dish that was served, so he grilled burgers for her and my daughter. I didn't mind this, as I wanted as much harmony as possible during the meal. They were given burgers, with the green beans that were a side dish. We all sat down to eat and everything seemed to be going well, when I heard the smacking and mouth-stuffed-like-a-hamster talking start, but tried to just let it go. Then she asked if she had to eat the green beans... falling blindly into the trap of not choosing the battle wisely, her dad told her "yes, you have to eat them." All HELL broke loose. She refused, he told her she had to, she said she had a stomachache and couldn't eat anymore. Her dad said she still had to eat them. Then she said, "You can't MAKE me eat ANYthing." Her grandfather stepped in then, telling a nice story about how he had to eat lots of things he didn't like as a kid, we all do, one of those great grandfather kind of things, and then she YELLED at her grandfather, and everyone just sort of froze, mouths gaping, waiting for something to be done. Nothing was. I said to FH "you need to deal with her, NOW." and he snapped at me for talking to him that way in front of everyone. Then she told her dad she was done eating, and again, he told her to eat the green beans. She put a few in her mouth, then started gagging over and over (as loud as possible), and when he didn't react to this, she spit them on her plate, and starts yelling, "I just threw up all over my plate because you tried to make me eat those disgusting beans, and no one even cares!" Then she stormed upstairs and slammed the door. And her father JUST SAT THERE. No apology to anyone, no correction or reprimand, NOTHING.

Apparently, when he went upstairs 10 or 15 minutes later, he says that he told her that he was disappointed in her behavior, and she cried, so she must be really sorry. And since she didn't get to have dessert, that was her punishment, and she was probably really upset about that. A couple of hours later, he offered her ice cream and wanted us to all eat ice cream together. I refused, and said I already had dessert, my mom brought a gourmet cheesecake from the bakery for our dinner. This is his version of "dealing with the bad behavior". I am livid. And I can't shake it.

Every time I have tried to discuss this with him, telling him that he and I need to agree on a way to address inappropriate behavior and have a united front, he tells me that I am a drill sergeant, or that he already dealt with it let it go, that I am too harsh, that she can't help it because she's going through puberty and hasn't learned to deal with her emotions, or some other various ridiculousness that either blames me or makes excuses for her. It has ended up as a heated argument every time. Neither he nor his daughter apologized to me or anyone else at the table for ruining the dinner. And now, I'm really questioning if I want to co-parent with someone who has no backbone with his own child, yet won't allow me to so much as ask her to chew with her mouth closed.

On top of this, MY children are ordered to not wear shoes in the house, not take food away from the table, rinse their plates after eating, turn off the tv if leaving the room, make their beds before going anywhere, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. None of this is bad, but I never had these rules before moving in with him. My children had to immediately adopt HIS house rules, and I backed him up, explaining the merits the whole way. But I am positively sick of the double standard. His explanation for that is that he only sees her 4 days a month and doesn't want to spend that time making her do chores!!!

I don't know how to handle this. I really don't know if I can marry him and live this way. I love him dearly, and when his daughter isn't around, everything is wonderful, or was, until this stalemate. If anyone has words of wisdom for compromising on parenting styles and surviving different standards for children, PLEASE share.