Rough day yesterday
I could really use some support today because I had a rough day yesterday dealing with consequences of disengagement.
My DH was called by Queen Bee (SD) to tell him that his grandson, who is 15 months old, was saying his name as if asking for him. DH hurried up and got ready and went to see him...they live less than 5 minutes away. I got all angry again at how QB has made sure that I haven't been allowed to get to know or even be around GS. He'll never say my name or ask for me because she's made sure he doesn't have a clue who I am....AFTER saying for years before she had him how she wanted me to be a gma to him and be a part of his life. All of that changed when he was born. Now, she's as far up her BM's ass as she can be and also her stepdad, both of whom she's talked about like a dog for years!! I've been tossed to the side because I am the only one in her life who called her on her bullshit!!
I'm so happy my DH is getting to spend time with his GS because for several months HE was iced out of GS's life as well. He loves him so much and my DH is so good with kids. In no way do my feelings have anything to do with his relationship with GS. It just breaks my heart that we're both not getting to form a relationship with him. DH and I were so excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents before his birth!! I have no bio kids so being a part of DH's kids' lives was very important to me. For 4 years of our marriage and all the years while we dated, everything "appeared" that the kids wanted the same. Since QB has changed her mind about me, the other 2 have as well and the "family" has gone to hell. She is NOT welcome in my home or my life. She's a negative, horrible person. Disengagement from her, and consequently the other 2 kids, was the only way to salvage my self-respect. I tried for years to shut up and "get along" until the disrespect from her got to be too much and I had to quit pretending that I didn't know what kind of person she is.
I know I'm mourning the "death" of my imaginary family and I'm not really sure what to do with this anger and pain. Also, I am feeling A LOT of anger toward my DH for playing along with her. I know he would do or say anything to continue to see his GS, but I truly can't understand how he can tolerate her. I know she's his daughter, but she is such a horrible person...cruel, evil and a casebook narcissist.
I will write more later
I will write more later on my cell right now. In the meantime you have ever right to be hurt and the exclusion by both DH and SD is wrong.
Take a few deep breaths and try to relax.
I'll write more soon.
When you say that you called
When you say that you called her on her bullshit, what do you mean?
Several months before GS was
Several months before GS was born, she asked me if I would watch him when she went back to work. I said yes and was thrilled to do it, as you can imagine. After he was born, she was off work for 3 months. A few weeks before she was set to go back, she tells me that she's looking online at that nanny service, I forget the name. I didn't think a lot about that because I was only set to watch him 2 days so I figured she'd need someone to watch him the balance of the days. She never made any arrangements with me about day to start, time, anything specific. I finally faced the fact she wasn't going to have me watch him. About a week before she went to work, I asked her point blank if I was going to watch him and she shook her head no. In typical old me fashion, I said nothing because I didn't want to make her mad.
After she started working, I found out in a roundabout way that in addition to this nanny, her MIL was watching him 2 days a week. This is the person she'd previously said she'd never trust him with. I sent QB a text outlining how much she'd hurt me, disrespected me and totally disregarded my feelings by not telling me that I wasn't watching him. I did the text because I didn't want the confrontation and I wanted what I said to her in writing so lies couldn't be told about what I said. She called me and chewed me out for sending a text, all the time denying that she'd don't anything to disrespect me and in typical narcissist behavior, never addressing the issue at hand, only the way in which it was delivered.
After that I realized she has no interest in forming a real relationship with me; she only wants to be right, whatever the cost.
I'm sorry, this may not be
I'm sorry, this may not be what you want to hear but I think this could have been avoided if you didn't text her how you felt about her not telling you you weren't watching him. If what you wanted was to watch GS, you could have called her up or texted her asking if you could take him for a visit for a couple of hours on a specific day so she can have some time to herself. That would probably have gone much better and would have been a win win for everyone. I know it must have hurt but without knowing her personally, from the outside I see it as you jumped the gun on "calling her out" when there could have been a much more innocent explanation.
Even though prior to BD's birth, I spoke with both my mom and MIL about watching her for a couple of days a week, after her birth though, I did not contact them about it because I didn't want to impose. When they called and asked if they could watch her for a couple of hours so I can do some errands, I took them up on it. Now, every time, they call, but I never initiate because I don't like imposing or taking it for granted..
I don't think it's that she didn't want you to watch GS but that since you are not biologically family, she may have not wanted to impose and instead found alternatives first. Instead, she gets a text a few weeks later saying that you're offended for something she may have not been purposely doing to hurt you, so obviously now she's going to be hostile--because if my MIL did what you did, I would be too, and she wouldn't get to watch BD either.
I'm in agreement on this one.
I'm in agreement on this one. You accused her of deliberately trying to hurt your feelings and disrespecting you when all she did was stop asking you to watch her kid.
Even if it was a miscommunication, you handled its resolution quite poorly.
A great deal of relationships are what you make of them. If you want a relationship with SD and GS, nurture one and make the decision that having that relationship is more important than your pet peeves. If you don't want a relationship with SD and GS, move on.
She disregarded my feelings
She disregarded my feelings and disrespected me by not even telling me that she'd changed her mind about me watching him. She said nothing. To me, that's a big deal and more than a pet peeve. It's just another way for her to drive home that I don't matter to her. Again, this goes way beyond one incident as to the person she is and how she's treated me for years.
No reason for you to have a
No reason for you to have a relationship with her. If it is this heartbreaking for you, cut it off. As for DH, just don't discuss his visits. We did this for three years and it worked well...
Yes, that's what I've been
Yes, that's what I've been doing. It works better than anything else, but yesterday it didn't and I just really felt hurt, rejected and alone. Are you back in a relationship now with your SK since you said you did it for three years?
I think on reflection I
I think on reflection I concur with the posters who suggest that you try and resolve this with SD. In this situation, where the hurt could easily have been a misunderstanding and mismatched expectations rather than a deliberate slight, it seems a shame to write off the whole relationship and disengage, particularly when you are actually desperate to be a part of the new baby's life. Disengagement is an appropriate solution when a stepchild has been repeatedly hostile, manipulative or indifferent. In your case it sounds like you had a good relationship with your stepchildren until this falling out over babysitting. Yes it's annoying that your other 2 stepchildren have jumped on the bandwagon but that does seem to happen in these situations, people take sides, often based on a partial understanding of events and perspectives.
I really doubt that SD intentionally rejected you or set out to cause hurt with her childminding arrangements, and I suspect this was a very sensitive and important issue for you because you missed out on having your own baby and she, caught up in the roller coaster of birth and new motherhood, did not realise this and take it into account. Having your first baby is a lot to cope with and the last thing you need is annoyed relatives trying to hold you to optional arrangements discussed before the birth and taking offense. It seems that instead of understanding the hurt behind your text she felt attacked and criticised, and on the roller coaster of hormones and sleep deprivation she was not best placed to be building bridges and tactfully justifying her decisions. But you know her much better than we do, only you can know whether deliberate bad intention lies behind her actions and whether you feel you can try to mend bridges with her.
Unfortunately, this goes way
Unfortunately, this goes way beyond the incident above; that was just the final one that occurred a year ago. There is no repairing this with her. Like I said above, she is a casebook narcissist that has controlled everyone in her bio family since the day she was born. I wish it was as simple as me apologizing for a mispereceived slight. She has an unforgiving heart and would like nothing more than me and my husband to divorce and her mom's marriage to end as well so she can have them both 100% under her control. At her own admission, she is still struggling with accepting their divorce which occurred 10+ years ago
In that case I'm very sorry
In that case I'm very sorry you're going through this. I had hoped your situation might have a possible resolution but it sounds like there is too much negative history there. My much younger stepchild, SS16, has a similarly unforgiving nature and has point blank rejected my involvement in his life, so I know how it feels, and how the hurt and resentment can resurface. Like you the fallout has impacted my relationship with my other stepchildren. But I have found that time does help, as does an acceptance that a lot of their reaction to you is a reaction against divorce and your role, and their own personal issues, rather than you as a person. After a year I was still regularly stung by resentment and hurt and would go round in circles wondering how he could act as he did and blaming DH, but 2 years on it has faded into the background and I am happily focussed on my own family and friends. I hope things improve for you.
Thank you so much. Your
Thank you so much. Your response helps me immensely! I just wish time would move a little faster in that regard
When this first happened, I
When this first happened, I was grateful it happened when it did like you said because it was inevitable that it was going to happen. She has iced out everyone in her life at one time or another if they don't perform the way she thinks they should. You're exactly right that she will hurt me again if I let her. That's her M.O. This is just not the way it should be nor the way I or DH want it to be.
"You are NOTHING to her and this baby". You are exactly right. She point blank told me that I was extra and her priorities were her blood family members. Next time I allow myself to feel hurt like I did last night, I just need to repeat this over and over to myself because that is the reality that I must come to peace with.
There is always an excuse for
There is always an excuse for an insenstitive rude SD. Oh she just had a baby - forgot all about SM watching new baby - HARDLY LIKELY. This is just too important to simply forget. I don't buy it.
DH should have told SD - yes whatamess and I will be there shortly. If whatamess really wants to see the baby that is what DH should do. He should not partake in excluding his wife in collusion with his DD.
Now on the other hand whatamemess, I think you will set yourself up to be hurt if you do build a strong bond with this baby. It truly is sad that the end result will probably be much more painful than it is right now. SD doesn't want to develop a relationship with you and she doesn't want her baby to either - that has been made abundantly clear. Let it go.
My SD has 3 "babies" I was called Grandma etc. and all seemed fine --- for a while. Now she plays games with her kids and wouldn't let me see them (a few years ago). I have been terribly hurt by her cruelty. Last year the one little gift I received at Xmas from Sgkids was labeled "to 20years" first name only. No more Gma - eh - figures she would pull the mean stunt. That is her speed and level too. I GIVE UP! I am kind to the kids if I see them but I have pulled way back and will not have my mind, spirit and heart broken by the evil and mean SD's antics. This is my experience and hope it helps.
Unicorns and rainbows are fairy tales - not real life with steps.
Watch your step and your heart. Hugs and take care.
Thank you! Your words do
Thank you! Your words do help me a lot. I'm sorry you're going through this too. It makes me so angry these girls use their kids as weapons to hurt people who only want to love them.