Hello.

Holding myself back and without going into any of the real history and specifics, I posted before under the subject line "In re SD12 - Advice Please!" and am very grateful for the responses I got there. Most seemed to think that this is a case of PAS and I have since been reading up on it. I, however, now find myself feeling increasingly wary, distrusting, morbid and, yes, angry.

I need to "vent". I need to get off my chest how I am feeling. I have been quiet for too long. I also have questions. And there is no safer place than amongst strangers. Strangers can be objective. A BP can't. In the result, I don't even try to talk to my DH about any of this. In turn, that leaves me feeling frustrated and alone.

No condemnation please! I couldn't handle it right now. I am ACUTELY aware of the fact that I am an adult and that SD12 is a child. That does not, however, make my situation any easier on me. It only tells me that I am EXPECTED to robotically "suck it up". It doesn't magic away my own emotional experience / needs or those of MY children.

Where are the resources for the SP? Everything that I have read speaks to the needs of the SC and how to best handle these situations in THEIR best interests. What becomes of the SP and their children during the process? Are SPs expected to just be emotionless nobodies? And what of our own offspring and how the SC's behaviour is affecting them / their home life?

Here's my story, my experience, MY truth:

I love my DH and I am in for the long haul, but we come from very different backgrounds. DH is a good looking man and, when he was younger, he was a player of note. He had one woman after the other, including SD's BM. BM fell pregnant soon after they met and subsequently asked him to marry her (she actually went so far as to formally propose to him). He declined and they split ways. This was over a decade ago and there is no CO governing visitation and access. They simply proceeded on the basis of him seeing SD every second weekend and in school holidays, subject to the whims and dictates of whatever mood BM is in. SD has historically also been included in all his family's significant ocassions (provided BM has agreed to her inclusion).

Over the years, both BM and DH have had one relationship after the other, to which SD was exposed. At present, BM is living with a man with whom she has had two further children, in close succession. DH and I are married and have also had a child together. So, I get it. SD has not has an easy life and she has had to make a lot of adjustments over the past few years, especially.

BM and I are polar opposites. I am a responsible adult, who comes from a stable family background and maintain a professional high-stress, high income job. I am reserved and serious. BM is a flighty, immature drama queen, who believes in magic and fairies (no jokes) and has nothing to show for her life. She is one of those people who is constantly looking for attention from and gossiping about others. You know the type that inherently has it in them to stoop so low (verbally and otherwise), that any self respecting individual would rather avoid them, than confront them? One of those who use social media to self promote, forever telling others how "amaze-balls" and "awesome" and "beautiful" they are, whereas in reality they are just a normal, run of the mill, plain Jane like most of the rest of us? The type who claims to have "less than zero" interest in DH's personal affairs, but then uses SD as a spy and makes use of every available opportunity to discuss him and his private affairs with others? The type who without fail receives CS every month, but feels the need to text each month, before it is due, demanding that it be paid (like DH is going to ignore the CO). The type who supports SD in her sudden refusal to visit DH, telling him not to bother fetching her, but then goes behind his back and sends SD to stay with her cousins (HIS brother's family) for the weekend, only for him to discover this on Facebook when photos of the weekend are posted by his sister-in-law? [The irony also is that within a few weeks of DH and I having married, BM (who doesn't know me from a bar of soap) suddenly wanted SD to come and live with us full time because she "wasn't coping" with her. At the time, we were not agreeable to same. Yet now BM claims that "she doesn't know what goes on in our house, because she doesn't pry into our business", but that SD is extremely "unsettled" about coming to us and doesn't want to see us anymore. Also that it will be over her dead body that SD will ever live with us.] THAT is who BM is. She and I have NO common ground, she loves to claim that DH is responsible for SD coming from a "broken home" (actually, there was no "home" to begin with) and she irritates the living daylights out of me.

Insofar as SD is concerned: In the beginning, I genuinely liked her and was even willing to concede that, despite all her tartiness, BM didn't do a bad job raising her. Now I'm not so sure and, with hindsight, there were warning signs that all was not as it appeared to be. I just didn't know what I was dealing with.

To begin with, SD was lovely, polite, helpful, engaged, caring and openly supportive of DH and my relationship. She actively encouraged us to get married and also genuinely seemed to care for my child. When I fell pregnant and subsequently had a child with DH, she also genuinely appeared happy for us and to care for our baby. We then bought a house (we had been renting till then) and were excited about now having a lovely home, with a room for each of the kids and a big garden and pool, for our kids to grow up in. But soon after, things began to take a turn for the worse.

SD started getting sent to us on a weekend with a bag full of dirty clothes, no toiletries and filthy dirty. I'm not exaggerating. It was DH who first commented on how the child stinks and in what a shocking condition her clothes are. She would ask to use my GHD and the whole house would reek of oil from her hair, afterwards. She'd come to us with hair riddled full of lice. She'd be menstruating and have no sanitary provisions. I'd buy, she'd leave and I'd find used sanitary towels thrown into her cupboard and dirty laundry just shoved into her drawers. She started dressing increasingly inappropriately, with low cut tops, bright coloured bras sticking out and skin tight pants (she's not a slim girl either). Then the pouting started. Whenever there was any ocassion, be it granny's birthday or a family BBQ, she would mope around until someone asked her what was wrong (nothing would actually be wrong) and only then would she stop pouting and sulking. Exhorbitant demands for material things suddenly started, whereas my husband is not a wealthy man. Demands for lavish parties and designer clothes. Comments also started being passed by her, in my hearing, that my 4x4 (mine, that I paid for) was going to become hers when she can drive. Then the lies started. Lies at home, lies at school and even lies at her church youth group. And stealing. From us, from others... and not small amounts either. Oh, and the manipulation! Every audience gets a different story about the same event. She knows exactly how to work on each individual's unique weaknesses and sympathies. ...Then boys and lies about boys. Sneaking out to meet them. Unsavoury, gangster types. After that, my BD5 also started becomming emotional after SD had been around. When questioned, I was told that SD gives her hidings behind my back (!!!) and that she tells her that DH is not her real father (her real father disappeared during my pregnancy and she doesn't know anyone other than DH as a father, so this is extremely confusing to her and difficult for me to handle). Then SD took the angle of "needing to talk to someone" and tried to tell me details about DH's sexual past, e.g. "He had a one night stand with a woman with the same name as you and I heard them having sex all night. I'm still so traumatised by it." These are but a few incidents. If I list every occurrence, we'll be here for weeks.

Then the sudden, inexplicable withdrawal from us occurred. SD out of the blue, on the day that she was due to come to us for a weekend, asked him to phone her and then informed him that she has decided that she needed to "emotionally withdraw and detach herself" from him and would no longer be coming to us for weekends. When asked why, she told him it is because when she comes for a weekend, she wants him to do things with her without the rest of us - she wants it to be just he and she on weekends, like it was before he got married. She also proceeded to tell him that she effectively blames me for how she feels and that she is "extremely upset". She added that if he wants to see her, he can come and take her out alone and go and do something with her, to our exclusion. Then BM jumped on the bandwagon and every subsequent weekend when SD was supposed to come to us, DH would get a msg telling him not to bother fetching her. BM also took away SD's mobile phone, making it impossible for DH to contact her without going via BM. During his most recent conversation with SD, he asked when she would be coming to us again. Her response, without any emotion in her tone (it almost sounded fake and rehearsed) was: "I don't know, hey. I'm still extremely upset and I am still thinking about whether or not I want to come to you." When he made ready to end the call, she quickly interjected: "But you can come and fetch me after my exams and take me out alone".

The situation is bizarre. There was absolutely no trigger, from our end, for this behavior. There is NOTHING that ever happened under our roof that substiates the allegation that she is so extremely upset. She was at all times treated lovingly. Actually, she was spoilt. And I am the one who is most guilty of that. I tried so hard not to treat her differently to my own, that I actually gave her more of my time, energy, attention and money.

I feel like I am being targeted in what is either a joint operation between SD and BM or a singular venture by SD to get rid of me and to break up our family. She never asks how my BD and I are. Only how DH and our daughter together are. Like its "them" vs "us". She has no regard for what she is doing and seems devoid of guilt or genuine emotion. I don't know if I am capable of ever feeling the same towards her and I entirely distrust her now. I don't like what is happening to my BD, who is confused. She says that SD doesn't really love us because she doesn't come to us anymore. How I am meant to explain things to her? I am also scared of what SD might be capable of and question whether I should ever be alone with her again, in the future. Am I being paranoid? Or is there reason for caution?

My question: Everything that I've read up on PAS indicates that it is usually directed at one of the biological parents. In my case, it seems indirectly directed at DH, but that the real target and the true motive here is to get rid of me. Is that something that happens? And what do we do in the circumstances? I feel like our lives are being held ransom by a 12 year old!