We may be having step kids 50% of the time
I am a step mum to my husbands kids- he has a 7 yr old girl and 10 yr old boy. We have 2 little boys ourselves- 19mths and baby who is 3 mths. We see his kids every second weekend and I dread it! It's not that they are really bad, I just find it really hard. I feel his son is his little cheerleader, if say anything he will constantly back chat and tell me I'm wrong in some way and my husband thinks its ok cause he has someone that has come to his defence. It's weird! I feel like I'm on the outer in my own place! I don't know how to act around the boy more so then the girl. I dnt feel respected enough- they are really bad at saying their hellos and goodbyes -this really offends me. My husband tells me I can tell them off and explains that to the kids but I don't have that rapport with them to feel comfortable to. His Ex is a nightmare and is constantly chasing more money off is. She has now threatened us that we should have them 50/50 meaning one week on, one week off.
I just can't see this working - I already try and do my own thing from time to time to escape and let the kids enjoy time with their dad- without me there! The thing is if it came to the crunch and my husband asked me what I thought about it-having them half the time, I don't know how to tell him how I feel without causing friction...I couldn't possibly think of anything worse, I have my hands full with our toddler and baby and having his kids here I just would be miserable.
Any ideas on how to handle this?
Just be honest with him...it
Just be honest with him...it is your home too! You have every right to be comfortable and happy, not miserable in your own home. It isn't like you don't want him to see or spend time with his kids, you just don't want them around so much. That is totally understandable, plus you have 2 other young children, that is alot to handle!
Just be honest with him, at least if you are then you will know where you stand. Never settle, trust me on that.
If it comes to that maybe
If it comes to that maybe tell him that he is responsible for all of their care while they are there? That way you would't be hassled with it. And also tell him that he needs to address the son's mouth or you will. I know I would be so upset if we had SD15 50% of the time. I feel for you.
To be honest Eco.... No one
To be honest Eco.... No one is to foresee the future. I found it really hard with step kids when I was dating him but I just thought in time it would get easier and to give it a chance.... If I had of known these feelings would only get worse then I would NEVER have gotten involved. I told my husband that if he did have them half the time-way back when we first started dating, then there is no way I would want that responsibility and I wouldn't have continued the relationship. It's a very hard road and no one can tell you how it will be, I was just too optimistic I guess!
^^^^^^ I like this
^^^^^^ I like this ^^^^^^^
Too late for my situation AND I doubt my xH would have signed it but, it makes perfect sense to have something like this in place.
True. My thoughts are geared
True. My thoughts are geared more toward the accountability factor. Naturally, it should be a given in ANY relationship but, sadly it seldom is.
I am in a 50/50 situation.
I am in a 50/50 situation. My husband and his x have that arrangement. I have my kids 70% of the time.
My xhusband and I agreed at the time of our divorce that 70/30 was healthier for the kids, so did it that way.
My experience with 50/50 is that the kids never get to relax, they are constantly leaving something at the other house and never quite knowing where they are going to be ( as schedules and priorities change) makes it impossible for them to plan ahead. My StepKids have a 50/50. They have been doing this for almost 5 years now. Both boys (17 and 15) are immature and it becomes glaringly obvious around my kids, cousins, and others their age. They also have to switch from drastically different home cultures each week. Their mom believes in polyamory and has several different boyfriends/girlfriends at a time and is so filthy in her habits that she's been asked to move from rentals because she ruins them. We on the other hand, have chore schedules, insist that kids get up before noon, and limit video game time. We also buy the kids decent things and insist they take care of them and themselves. We still have to tell these two teens to brush their teeth.
If I were in your shoes I would consider a 70/30 either direction before a 50/50. 50/50 may SEEM like the fairest solution, and perhaps it is.... for the parents. The kids lose big time in a 50/50. That has been my experience.
~Oct
I feel for you on this one.
I feel for you on this one. I have skids (SS12 and SD7) and twin toddlers of our own. I dread when my skids come around too. Mine sound very much like yours.
WE just went through a revisiting of the parental schedule and the possibility of 50/50 was hanging around. My DH knows that having them around 50% of the time would be tough on me but they are his children. He has real concerns about their life at their mothers (she's not bad, just completely different from us). It seems like anything we try to teach them gets trumped by what happens at BM's house. e.i. table manners, screen time, extracurricular activities, church, etc. So, I was thinking that perhaps 50/50 could make things easier for us. Well, we had a trial year with my SS12 coming 50% of the time. It was hell for him and for us. He never really got into the swing of things at either house. As soon as he started to settled at one home, it was time to move. Things were constantly being left behind. So my DH agreed that 60/40 was best. The way we do it is they come every other long weekend and then half time (2 weeks on/off) in the summer.
I agree with octaviar on this one. 50/50 may seem good to the bio parent but it's really crazy for the kids. My brother tried 50/50 with his own girls but stopped after 2 years because it just wasn't working for them. So what we do is try our best to expose them to our ways and hope as they mature, they will have a good idea of how they'd like to live their lives. My DH is much stricter than his ex, I think when they become adults, they will appreciate and respect him more for being the dad and not the friend.
Talk to him about your concerns. You'll feel better getting it off your chest.