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Your role in decisions about sks

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 4:28pm

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What is that in/given your situation?

My role is that if dh asks for my opinion on something, I'll give it. That's on any issue. If I notice a sd is struggling in life, I'll say something to him.

I know that DHs and BMs have to be the ultimate decision makers for major issues about their kids, but I certainly hope they'd talk with their spouses about these things and implement their spouse's opinion in theirs when taking their final thoughts to the child(ren)'s other parent.

Because, this stuff will impact us too, let's face it. If my skid was failing in school and she wanted to go to Disney with the school band, you bet I'd want dh to take my opinion into consideration. If bm claims skid needs braces, you bet I'd want dh to call the orthodontist/dentist for himself instead of just trusting her word.

lil_lady's picture

Submitted by lil_lady on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 4:42pm

I was actually thinking about posting something like this... I am a bit more involved just because FH and I have decided we want a family home where are the kids are treated the same. I take it one step further and give my opinion without being asked at the end of the day it is his decision. Sometimes we ague about his decisions because I want our kids to be treated equally and therefore his decisions directly impact our son to be and any future kids!

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 5:06pm

DF will ask my opinion, but he and BMs have the final say. As long as their decisions do not impact my pockets,I don't care what they do.

JennSunnySideUp's picture

Submitted by JennSunnySideUp on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 7:17pm

This is great. Once the skids get older and the BMs settle down, I hope we can do things this way Smile

JennSunnySideUp's picture

Submitted by JennSunnySideUp on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 7:15pm

Well my skids are still pretty young but DH asks my opinion before any decision is made regarding visits and what we do while they visit.

This is not the case with most step situations, we are like this mostly because my husband has episodes so either me or another adult needs to be present when the skids visit. Even the BMs in our case refer to me for a good bit of things such as pick up times or places bc I pick them up alone about 50% of the time.

Fansi's picture

Submitted by Fansi on Wed, 10/30/2013 - 8:27pm

I am way more hands on but DH would be a doormat if I wasn't both to BMs and SKs. He was married twice before me, 2nd wife didn't really like his oldest two kids from his first marriage so she never pushed him to try to get them out of the crappy situation their mom had them living in and actually had him basically convinced that he couldn't do anything for them. I came along and I have pushed and poked and prodded everyone along to try to do what is best for all three kiddos. I am very vocal in my opinions on things and have zero issue punishing the kids, although I will not physically punish them, I feel they are not biologically my child and it is not my place so if a swat is called for DH does that. Right now DH has sole custody of SD so BM has very little say and DH is to the point is doesn't care what BM's opinion is/would be so I often find myself in the ridiculous position of trying to speak for both her and myself because regardless of the stupid decisions she has made she is still the mom and still should have a say in the raising of her child. As for SS's mom she moved out of state with their youngest (oldest is grown and on his own) and refuses to bring him back for any visits so with him neither DH or myself have much of any say anymore unfortunately.

QueenBeau's picture

Submitted by QueenBeau on Thu, 10/31/2013 - 8:45am

I am included in anything that will affect our finances or my time.
I'm disengaged from BM & only do what I feel like doing with/for SD (which is a lot on her visits, I like her alright) so it's not a lot I need to be included in.

derb84123's picture

Submitted by derb84123 on Fri, 11/01/2013 - 3:40pm

It is DH and I. skids live here with us full time, and bm lives in another state. We tried for a long while to include her, but after years of violence, neglect, her not being able to see the kids for a bit- we just don't. I wish we could be funtioning coparents, but alas I have stepped up to the plate. hopefully the skids are better for it.