Hi, all, and thanks for being a place where we can say what we really feel, good, bad, indifferent, and horrible. I need some help deciding what I can do to make my life more bearable. My DH and I have been married 6 years. I have 2 kids, DS 15 and DD 10, he has one son, 12, that came to live with us @ 9. SS is cute, smart, sweet, and can be unbearable. He cannot follow simple instructions, he cannot properly clean himself after defecating, despite repeated instructions, and being told to put crappy tp in the toilet. He asks questions so stupid your jaw will literally drop. He is unable to understand that the world does not exist to give him what he wants. He will lie, cheat, and steal just to get what he wants. He is prone to angry outbursts over the tiniest shred of not getting his way. He literally cannot understand why anyone else matters. He cannot remember anything. I mean ANYTHING. He is unable to amuse himself in any way and is up my 15 bio son's hiney all the time, at least until they got separate bedrooms. Now that DS can lock himself away, SS crawls up DH butt and stays there. He treats my DD like a leper, being intentionally and casually mean and cruel with the occasional burst of kindness and generosity. He is really not a bad kid, but his behaviors and mannerisms are going to ruin his life.

And his father has no clue about any of it and doesn't understand why his constant caving to requests and ignoring of disrespect and insolence are so bad. Example, I've been after the kid to chew with his mouth closed for 6 months. The 3rd or 4th time my DD got in trouble for it, bam, big trouble, this is going to stop. WTF? DH gets very agitated because my DS doesn't want to go outside on a beautiful day, but would rather stay inside to play games, read, or just hang out. Of course, there's no problem when SS sits inside playing video games from, I kid you not, 9 am to 9 pm, breaking only for meals. To be fair, DH displays many toned down behaviors of his son, he's forgetful, tends not to notice what's going on around him, and can get frustrated easily when things aren't going his way (nothing bratty on DH's part, just frustrated when he's working on something and it's not going the way he thinks it should, that sort of thing). It's tempting to say, well, what's the problem? My husband is an amazing man who I love with all my heart. So if his kid's that way, he should be alright, right? The problem is that I cannot, will not, take that chance with this young man's life. What if he doesn't learn (and in fact sometimes seems incapable of learning) to rein in his tendencies? SS just has soooo much potential! And where my husband is lax, I am the disciplinarian. I will NOT tolerate disrespect, lying, cheating, stealing, entitlement, or temper tantrums. But when I treat SS exactly the same as my bio kids (more than one person was shocked to find he was a SS, they thought he was mine), I'm a hardass and shouldn't be so tough on him. Once more...WTF?

I do love this child. I just can't stand him. And to then always be the bad guy (I've had the Denis Leary song "I'm an a**hole stuck in my head all day haha) in both his and DH eyes is driving me nuts. The kid knows that to get what he wants, he just has to bypass the witch and hit up daddy. And DH has even turned around and lifted a punishment I've handed down right there in front of me. And then thinks I'm nuts when I say the kid has no respect for me. sigh

He came from a screwed up home. DH and SS biomom split when SS was 2. We got custody because we were about to reveal in court the abusive boyfriend she had moved into the home. His own mother has abandoned him, she doesn't even call him, and he only goes on visitation to the grandmother's home where the mother only sometimes stops by to say hi. I have a great deal of pity and compassion for this child, I want to raise him to be a magnificent man, to be successful, dignified, happy, and just be the best he can. But I can't, both because of his refusal to learn/mature, and because of DH's inability to grasp the seriousness of the situation and his inadvertent undercutting of my authority. Like so many others have said, I'm tired of always carping on his son, he's tired of hearing it, and meanwhile the kid suffers.

What do I do?? I don't want to abandon this kid, too, but how can I treat my kids differently without hurting both bios and SS? It's entirely possible that if I do totally disengage with the SS, my DH won't even notice or, if he does, will then be upset over that as well. Soooo, do you want me to parent or not??? How do I explain to my kids why SS gets to do whatever he wants while they still have to do chores, earn play time, have manners, be respectful, and study hard? I'm backed into a corner and we all know what happens then--you come out clawing. And I don't want to be that way.

I am more than willing and able to take this poor, once neglected child and raise him to his potential. But not while constantly being undercut, being accused of being "too hard," and being made to seem the witch just because my husband is already so disengaged that he lets all sorts of things slide while I'm the one who pays attention to everything. 3 years ago when SS came here, I cut all kinds of slack. Explained to my kids that SS would need time to adjust, not think Mom was being unfair to them, but now I expect us all to be on the same page. Is the only thing left for me to do is let this child go? To just do the minimum for 5 years until he's gone? And seriously, are they ever gone, bio or skids? There is no way in hell this child will grow up and be able to hold a job. He refuses to wipe himself properly at almost 13, you think he's going to care what his boss wants done? DH says yes, he will be able to refuse to just hand kids money because they are slackers and no, oh no, they won't be back to live in the basement. But if current behavior is any indication, I'll have this kid underfoot until the day I die.

There was an episode last night of blatant disregard for directions. I was furious. DH couldn't understand why nookie got cancelled and, after I told him we have a problem, he wouldn't even bother trying to talk about the issue. Classic avoidance. I don't get mad at him, make accusations, b*tch about the kid, and get my panties in a twist. I sit down, explain where I'm at, BEG for help from him, but a day or two later, it's all back to the way it was. I'm not even mad at DH at this point. He really does try. It's just not enough.

So, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I can barely stand to look at my SS which makes me feel horrible. I want to help him, raise him, but I can't. Maybe I'm just looking for people who've been here to say it's ok to let it go, raise my biokids the way I want, and let life pound all those lessons into SS that he won't learn from me. I know I'm tired of the nausea, the stress, the walking on a tightrope, the feeling that everything I do is held against me. Thanks, all, for letting me vent. As the username implies, I'm so tired!