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They didn't even bother to call and wish a happy birthday to my son...

Katie8's picture

Submitted by Katie8 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 9:33am

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Blended Family Issues

DH keeps pushing that we're all a big happy family and always says he wants his family to treat all kids equally..EXCEPT..it never happens...I've pointed this out sooooo many times. My SS6 gets special treatment over my bio kids and one of my bio is DH;s son...so their Bio grandchild/nephew/cousin. My Son's bday was 2 weeks ago...no calls from his family to say happy birthday..drop off anything...show up at party....nothing...but 2 days after my son's bday there was pictures online of them at the movie with my SS6 taking him out for the day for dinner/movie....seriously? His Sister/neice still party with BM who's a nutcase. I lost it on poor DH, I know it's not his fault it's his family...but now here's the dilemma:

it's SS's bday party this weekend...and guess what...they all said they're coming...because it's the golden child...and then having thanksgiving dinner right after all the party kids go home. I don't want to go....told DH that him and the golden boy can go to the thanksgiving dinner but I'm taking my kids home. it's clear they do not see us as a part of the family so I don't want to go and have my kids there getting treated as second class.
Am I unreasonable?

daddyrob's picture

Submitted by daddyrob on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 9:39am

I don't think you're unreasonable. Your husband needs to stand up for you and your kids to his family

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:22am

This.

My dad's family disliked me and basically treated me like I was nothing--they didn't think he'd ever get married or have kids and thought their kids were going to inherit his business. My own grandmother would call me ugly and tried to make my dad adopt one of my male cousins, her favorite, saying how much he looked like my dad and that he'd be a great son to carry on my dad's legacy.

That cousin is currently in jail for selling drugs. Yeah, I'm sure he would have been a great son.

So my dad separated our family from theirs and didn't bother making us maintain a relationship with them.

Blood may be thicker than water, but blood will not force anyone to love anyone else. Take it in stride and do what you have to do, they're the ones who are missing out.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 9:45am

I get that you are upset that your son didn't get a phone call, but how does your son feel? Was he upset? Your not being unreasonable by refusing to go, but I would go to the Bday party because - well - it's a bday party and I see no reason to exclude your bio from having fun.

Katie8's picture

Submitted by Katie8 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 9:54am

My son asked if they all forgot. I was thinking we'd go to the bday party but then leave after and not stay for /thanksgiving dinner (Canada) with his family. I don't expect them to instantly love my children...but you would think you would at least treat the son I have with DH the same as his other bio son? I get my kids maybe because my other 3 are not his but to hurt my son because he's not blood is wrong...I don't love my SS either...but I wouldn't not acknowledge his bday and hurt him but acknowledge his brothers..it's just wrong.

(

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 11:19am

I agree with Echo. There is nothing you can do if they don't want to. It would probably help if you don't think of them as family because family doesn't do this. I think the problem is expectation. If you don't expect, you can't be disappointed.

After my experience with my family, I don't expect anyone, not even my parents, to acknowledge, help, or celebrate myself, my husband, or BD, but they do, and thus I am grateful instead because I didn't expect it.

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:06am

I agree with NoDoormat. I ran the gauntlet with my friends and family and had to state that my SS is part of my family now and by extension, I would hope (not expect but "hope") that my immediate family would treat him in kind. My family quickly understood. My friends needed a bit of reminding but everyone in my immediate circle don't exclude my SS on purpose. It's just hard because my SS is never with us on special occasions (like birthdays) so it is hard for everyone to "adjust".

For a while, I was sore about this too but no one in my family would forget about my SS just because they were purposely excluding him.

Patsy's picture

Submitted by Patsy on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:06am

Had this happen to me for years. I think my in-laws did this because they felt my SD is closer to BM and they were afraid SD wouldn't feel like they were "real" family. I skipped out a few of the things like you are suggesting you will do and it didn't do anything except make my in-laws feel more powerful. When I saw this happen I made sure I was at all events with my DH and my in-laws. Our daughter did see how my SD was treated differently and I am sure there were times she was upset, but she never spoke about it. Now that SD is 17 the in-laws see how all of their hard work to spoil SD didn't mean anything. MY SD will come to me before any of them for help. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your in-laws sound like some rude people who just take it for granted that your son will always be there. It will bite them in the ass later. If you want them to think of you, your DH and your son as a family unit then always show them you are together. If they feel it is a burden to have you all there then that will be on them. Your DH will appreciate what you are putting up with and if he doesn't realize it then constantly remind him. It's terrible to deal with favoritism especially when your kid is getting the short end of the stick.

Katie8's picture

Submitted by Katie8 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:09am

He called his Mom and asked if she was going to come by for his bday...she told him yes then never showed..he called her twice since and asked why..always a reason then she says she's coming on another day and doesn't. Im tired of my kids paying the price a 10 year old doesn't understand why he gets ignored on his special day but his step brother gets taken out for a movie two days later...total bull shit. Dh just gets mad at me and says to stop yelling at him for something he has no control over. He said he talks to them but they don't care I guess. I dont' even want to go to the bday because of his family but it's about my SS and not my feelings. So I will go but not stay for the "family" dinner after. NoDoormat...When you Disengaged did his family see it?

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:13am

Well I wouldn't pass up free turkey myself Blum 3 , but this sounds like a totally reasonable option for you and your son.

Katie8's picture

Submitted by Katie8 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:10am

oh...get this ....she left a message that she bought him some ninja turtle socks....he doesn't even like ninja turtles but SS does...

Drac0's picture

Submitted by Drac0 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:20am

Okay, so she got him a gift but not necessarily something he likes. Here's hoping it's a step in the right direction? Wink

Katie8's picture

Submitted by Katie8 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 10:26am

actually the comment was...I got him this but if its not his size or he doesn't like it he can give it to ss because he likes them....I can guarantee they'll be ss size too....

Katie8's picture

Submitted by Katie8 on Mon, 10/07/2013 - 11:05am

okay...I've started...I make cakes they all expect it...so I've told DH I'm not making the cake or the dessert for thanksgiving...I'm bringing my children as guests to the party and leaving when it's over. If my Inlaws think I'm being a bitch they can bite me. I find I have so much anxiety with them and BM it needs to stop. I need to remove myself and my children for my sanity. I've told my MIL if the socks don't fit I'll box them up for my other son who's 8 months old and go get my son another pair...SS doesn't need them that's what our CS pays for....dead silence on the other end.....I find it so funny that BM was so hated by them that's all I heard when I first got together with DH...now they all party..she can do no wrong. Went to my Inlaws about a month ago and my MIL had a picture on the wall of DH and BM from a while ago...they just repainted so it's actually a new frame and everything....I packed up my 8 month old that was with me and started to leave and DH was right behind me...she took it down....said she just liked the frame but didn't have a pic of me and him....whatever. I'm done...my kids and I are going to have a very nice Thanksgiving dinner at home...away from this.