PASing parent
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SD came home yesterday and told me when she's not good for BM then her BM tells her she is going to call FDH to bring her to our house... (I know she likes it here that's not the issue.)
Just recently SD has been saying she likes coming here, but its not her home... BM says that her house is her home. Even though she's there 2-3 days a week. How do I explain to SD3 that she has two homes?
Also how do I counter act BM's PAS parenting?
Does she have her own room at
Does she have her own room at your house? Has she got a say in decorating part of it?
I am asking because for SS for the longest time he referred to only BMs house as home, now after getting to give some input into his room though not much he ha come to tell BM he is on his way home when we are out and heading back to the house when she calls.
Obviously she realizes mommy and daddy aren't together so maybe start referring to y'all house is home and if she says something say "You have two homes isn't that awesome".
The main thing is you don't want to return PAS you just want to make the kid not feel in the middle and comfortable
We had asked SD if she wanted
We had asked SD if she wanted her own room when we moved from a two bedroom apartment to our three bedroom home. She told us that she didn't want her own room because DD1 would be scared if she didn't sleep with her. (SD often uses DD as an excusthings things SD wants or doesn't like. Ie. 'DD doesn't like this food' or 'DD told me she wants a night light in our room' Lol)
So I looked on Pintrest to find the best way to situate their room so SD would still have her own 'space'. I found a cleaver idea for putting her bed in the closet. Doors removed, of course. She helped me pick out the colors from 3 predetermined colors. She helped FDH build her bed one weekend, and picked out the tull that I hung from the frame of the closet. And also helped with what bedding she wanted.
It just saddens me when she says that our home isn't her home, or when she calls FDH by his name rather than calling him Dad. She often tells me, as well, when I correct her about call FDH by his name, she gets upset and says that BM's BF is her dad.
FDH gets very upset when she does this. But we don't know how to correct her with out her getting upset.
We would never talk poorly about BM. (When SD is around) no matter how much I loath BM I know that she is still SD's mom, and I wouldn't want someone to rag on my mom. (No matter how crazy she may be.)
As sad as it sounds all you
As sad as it sounds all you can do is stay calm and correct her when she calls DH by his name. Do you have any pictures of just them when she was a baby to help her understand without trashing BM.
The room thing I don't know just remind her she has two houses and she is very lucky.
Sometimes I think out PAS issues are bad yet aren't even close my hugs to you!
As far as the name thing
As far as the name thing goes, tell SD that she has 2 dads. FDH is her REAL dad and it is disrespectful and hurtful to call your dad by their name, or anything other than dad. We did this with my skid when BM pulled the first name stuff. I think consistency is going to be your best bet here. She's only 3, she's not going to get things right away, but if you keep up with this is your home too and FDH is dad, she will hopefully, eventually understand.
I agree, we don't have SD
I agree, we don't have SD call me mom when she's here. I'm Mdmomma. Usually just my first name, she'll slip sometimes and I'll correct her. And tell her BM is her mom, just like FDH is her dad. She has parents that should be viewed as such.
Not if SD lives with him the
Not if SD lives with him the majority of the time, and not if they've been together for a long time. The other guys is SD's stepdad and probably raises her most of the time. Telling a child they have 2 moms or two dads is not a bad thing. You CAN and SHOULD explain the difference between a biological parent and a step parent but since SD is already calling him dad, telling her he is not a dad at all to her is going to cause more confusion and loyalty issues for SD.
Honesty is the best way to
Honesty is the best way to counter PAS. Don't bash BM, but just keep open, honest communication with SD. PAS backfires on my skid with BM and skid just ends up being mad at BM for being mean to us. This is probably mainly because we aren't mean about/to BM.
How do you explain the 2 home thing. Just like that. You have TWO homes SD, how cool is that? This will always be dad, yours and my home and mom's home is your home too. Maybe even go into a home is where your family/people that love you are. It is where you feel safe and loved. We're your family, we love you, you feel safe here, it is your home too. (Things along those lines work well for a 3 yr old)
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much! Everyone.
I will get this book on my Kindle. And start reading it immediately. I've seen it recommended on this site a lot. I just hoped that BM wouldn't try to pull any of these kinds shenanigans. (I guess this is what I get for thinking BM could be a decent person.)
I am trying to be the best SM I know how to be... But with a BM who's a complete Asshat makes it difficult at times. I focus on FDH's traits that are in SD (fortunately he has strong genes) and I would never take out my anger for BM on SD... She's still a baby in my eyes (I've been around since she was 8mo). I just don't want to cause any hurt/remorse or discomfort for SD. We (FDH and I) are trying to give SD the 'normal' childhood I know my DDs will have. BM just makes it so damn difficult sometimes.
Thank you all again for your advice, support and hugs.
It was much needed.
Does she have her own clothes
Does she have her own clothes and things at your house? That was a huge turning point for my SD. We asked her why she didnt think it was her house... she replied with I have to pack a suit case. Now she has her own things here even jackets and shoes. She does not bring things from BMs because this is her home where she has her own things.
Other then that we just started picking our words very carefully! Calling it her house whenever we could not dads house... For some reason this alone seemed to make a big difference.
Two Homes by Claire Masurel,
Two Homes by Claire Masurel, lovely children's book about a kid named Alex that has 'two homes'. My SD3 adores this book and it is starting to help her understand her situation a bit better. SO (and I) don't push things b/c of SD's age, we have SD right now for contact and this visit she has been constantly talking about BM (unusual for her) "my mum this, my mum that" etc we know BM has had difficulty accepting SO moving in with me and have seen signs of PAS, so we're guessing she's been PASing SD more in the past week (subtle PASing, but still PAS!)
I love a lot of the advice above, I'm going to pass them on to my SO. Sorry to read that you are going through similar issues, it's an awful thing to deal with.
Thank you lil_lady, We do
Thank you lil_lady,
We do have clothes for her here, she's with us 60% of the time. And BM dresses her like a boy when she'swith her, she goes shopping with me when her clothes get too small. She LOVES to shop. Lol. We try to make sure that she knows she's not excluded from the family. She also has toys any really anythingmy DD's have she also has. She likes to put her 'special' toys away when she goes to BM so that she is insured that no one else can play with them when she'snot here.
And thank you Mamaduck, I will be on look out for this book next time we're at the book store.
SD has been talking about BM a lot lately too, which is also unusual. The only reason I think of that BM has started this PAS behavior could only be that FDH has been sticking up for keeping SD when its his time with her. It use to be that whenever BM wanted her for the day or for a few hours he would bow down to her requests. But after we had a discussion about how we need to stick to the schedule, because we need to show SD and BM that we have the structured home (rules,expectations,bedtimes ext.) BM threw a B!tch fit. And that's really all I can think of on why she would try to turn SD away from us.
I just hope it backfires. And you have all given me great advice. Thank you all so much again.