Outraged at sleeping arrangements
I am having an issue with something going on at BM's house, and I doubt I have any power to change it.
SS16 moved in with DH and me this summer per his request. Since then, BM has allowed SD10 to move into the bedroom with SS12 and co-occupy the bunkbed that was SS16s. BM and Skids have decided to turn the extra bedroom into an animal room for all of their birds, lizards and hamsters. For now, there is still a bed in the extra room where SS16 can sleep when he visits BM. However this is about to change, leaving SS16 to have to sleep on the couch.
I am outraged! It is bad enough BM and other Skids treat SS16 like a traitor, but taking away his bed because it isn't his primary residence anymore is ridiculous. (Not to mention, I think it is seriously inappropriate for a soon-to-be 13yo boy and soon-to-be 11yo girl to share a room together when there is an extra room available in the house).
DH and BM have joint custody, but he says he can't tell BM what to do in her house. To my knowledge, this isn't illegal either. DH isn't willing to raise any hell about it with BM because they are in the middle of a nasty battle to get the CS changed. She refuses to talk to him right now outside of the occasional rants via text message.
I feel horrible for SS16. He has gotten to where he doesn't even want to go to BM house anymore. On a side note, her house is really nasty and chaotic. That's one of the reasons SS16 wanted to live with us.
Any advice that doesn't result in me going to jail would be greatly appreciated!
No illegal pets. There was a
No illegal pets. There was a snake and feeding mice, but BM got rid of that when SS16 moved out. There have been many times I have thought about calling CPS anonymously. Even SS16 and his gf joke about calling CPS on BM. I tell them they had better not and for them not to say stuff like that, but I am secretly chuckling on the inside. }:)
Stay well out of it. If you
Stay well out of it. If you interfere it will make things worse. Seriously worse. If your SS was considered old enough to make the decision where he would live, then he is old enough to make the decision not to sleep over at his mothers house, not to visit if he doesn't want to. It would be a shame for all the siblings if this happened. If it does, you don't want to be caught up in it because you got fired up over this. Your DH has to be the one to involve himself in the sleeping arrangements of HIS children. If he chooses not to for whatever reason, that is his call.
There is already a riff
There is already a riff between the siblings that makes me sad. They keep looking at the situation as each kid having to pick a side. They see their BM scream, cry, and rant; and they sympathize with her. DH and BM even have it in their divorce decree not to speak ill of the other in front of the children, but the tension is so thick the Skids have to notice.. Especially since SS16 moved in with us, the other Skids have been more disrespectful than usual to me and treat SS16 differently as well. It's like BM and the other Skids are punishing him for moving out and hurting BM's feelings. When we ask the other Skids if they are upset SS16 moved out, they say no and that they are happy he's gone. Is this normal?
There is already a riff
There is already a riff between the siblings that makes me sad. They keep looking at the situation as each kid having to pick a side. They see their BM scream, cry, and rant; and they sympathize with her. DH and BM even have it in their divorce decree not to speak ill of the other in front of the children, but the tension is so thick the Skids have to notice. Especially since SS16 moved in with us, the other Skids have been more disrespectful than usual to me and treat SS16 differently as well. It's like BM and the other Skids are punishing him for moving out and hurting BM's feelings. When we ask the other Skids if they are upset SS16 moved out, they say no and that they are happy he's gone. Is this normal?
In my state it is a HUGE no
In my state it is a HUGE no no for children of the opposite sex over the age 6 to share a bedroom. CPS starts with a warning, then if nothing is changed, they can actually REMOVE the children from the home.
My mom was a foster parent while I was growing up. And my SIL and her BF's ex called CPS for this reason. (SIL's SD4 was sharing a room with her 3 older brothers 12,8&6... When there was an extra room in their BM's apartment.)
^^^ This is what I was going
^^^ This is what I was going to say. Call CPS- after the age of 6 in my state children of opposite sex cannot share a bedroom.
Basing my answer on what you
Basing my answer on what you have said about BM and her chaotic home, if that is all true, and I have no reason not to believe you, just ask yourself if its true, not stretched, coloured or embellished, then, of course the siblings would be more disrespectful towards you guys and SS. They would see you rescued him from the chaos and left them to rot in it. They would see you as liking and wanting him, but not them. They would be mad at SS and treat him badly because they'd be jealous as hell of him. In their minds dad TOOK him, and left them. Dad WANTED him, and not them. I'd say looking at it from their perspective, yes, they are behaving quite normally.
Maybe they need to be told or reminded that SS was old enough to make this choice. Maybe they could be reassured that when they are old enough to choose they too can live with dad. That of course is entirely up to you and dad, but I'm just trying to think how these two that have been, in their eyes, "left behind" might see it.
If in fact BM was prepared to let them go too, and for whatever reason, dad said no. Well again, of course and understandably they'd behave this way.
When SS16 first came to us
When SS16 first came to us wanting to move, our lawyer said that the other kids could follow suit, but they wanted to stay with their mom. We weren't going to push it. We also sat all three of them down and discussed what child support was and what it went to pay. That way when BM started ranting about us taking away her money, the Skids would have a little more truth on the matter. The anger towards us isn't about not wanting them or leaving them behind; it is about us hurting their mom's feelings and making her cry all the time. They have told us that. BM was opposed to SS16 moving out and blamed it on us brainwashing him and giving him his way all the time. She has said things like, "Dont bother coming back bc youve obviously chosen who you love more" and "dont pet the dogs because they arent your family anymore." And that is just the stuff she said in front of us! BM has continued to say mean things to SS16 in front of the other Skids. I think they are just going along with it, bc they see us and SS16 as the cause of BM's crying. Understandably so, but it makes me uncomfortable.
Well again, if that's the
Well again, if that's the case, you can't fight women like her. It is a real shame the other two chose to stay. But they are kids and she is their mother. So, understandable that with her selfish guilt trips they have chosen her.
It's awful that women can do this to their children. There has to be something wrong with them in my opinion.
Stay out of it. You will never win. You can't fight people like her, perhaps your dh in his wisdom, and not forgetting he has had years more experience with her than you've had, knows trying to fight crazy is a losing battle that just ends up hurting the kids in her care even more.
Basing my answer on what you
Basing my answer on what you have said about BM and her chaotic home, if that is all true, and I have no reason not to believe you, just ask yourself if its true, not stretched, coloured or embellished, then, of course the siblings would be more disrespectful towards you guys and SS. They would see you rescued him from the chaos and left them to rot in it. They would see you as liking and wanting him, but not them. They would be mad at SS and treat him badly because they'd be jealous as hell of him. In their minds dad TOOK him, and left them. Dad WANTED him, and not them. I'd say looking at it from their perspective, yes, they are behaving quite normally.
Maybe they need to be told or reminded that SS was old enough to make this choice. Maybe they could be reassured that when they are old enough to choose they too can live with dad. That of course is entirely up to you and dad, but I'm just trying to think how these two that have been, in their eyes, "left behind" might see it.
If in fact BM was prepared to let them go too, and for whatever reason, dad said no. Well again, of course and understandably they'd behave this way.
Call child protective
Call child protective services on her if her house is really nasty and she has way too many pets which compromise a decent place for her son to sleep. They will make her clean it up if its bad enough and make her get rid of some pets if she is giving the pets a room of their own before her own son. Just a thought.
Plus CPS would make sure that
Plus CPS would make sure that SS's share a room and SD gets her own room. They are too close in age for a brother and sister to be sharing a room at that age.
Sorry to post again for a 3rd
Sorry to post again for a 3rd time but it may be best for your DH to make the call and not you. It would keep you somewhat out of it. Plus this is his responsibility.
CPS can't make parents give a
CPS can't make parents give a child his/her own room unless the parent is foster parent or the family lives in public housing(or a housing voucher). Another way is if there is a proven case of sexual abuse.
As long as each kid has a bed, she's fine.
I've looked it up, and BM
I've looked it up, and BM isn't doing anything illegal, it is more poor judgement. If the judge looked at everything as a whole. it could be ruled in our favor to have the other two, but I don't want them forced away from their BM. With the other Skids wanting to live with her and their animals, I guess there isnt anything we can do. I personally am not confronting BM about this or calling CPS. I'm just frustrated that DH doesn't say more. 7 years of dealing with crap like this from BM and DH not interjecting makes me want to scream. How can BM's like her call themselves good parents and make choices like this?!? I just feel so hopeless all of the time. Even though they drive me crazy, I love my Skids and wish they had a better life than what BM is providing. I guess that is the curse of being a SM.
I agree.
I agree.