I'm a new member, please help!
Hello all,
This is my first day on this site, and I'm still getting used to all the acronyms and abbreviations, so bear with me:)
A little bit about myself: I am a 24 year old married woman, with a four year old daughter and a son due on the 23rd. My husband and I have been married four years, and were granted full custody of my seven year old step son last October. I am currently enrolled in nursing school, and working part time since my husband lost his job in May.
We fought long and hard for custody, and at the time I was more willing than I am now to have my SS live with us full time. I found, hired, and paid for the lawyer who won our case for us. It was a pretty simple situation, though, the mother was/is a drug addict with child endangerment and neglect charges. I guess you could reason that my main train of thought was getting an innocent child out of a dangerous situation. I also love my husband very much and wanted him to be happy, and I knew my SS coming here would accomplish that.
Unfortunately, for the past year, I feel as if I have been relegated to second string, like I'm not a real member of the family I helped create. My husband will come home, and immediately my SS is asked about his day, fawned over, and basically treated like royalty. Especially during the school year; my husband will sit with him for hours with homework and school related things and completely ignore our BD and me. The only time it seems like he has any energy after work(he's recently started a new job) is the weekends when SS is home and not visiting his BM. Also, the BM has routinely treated our family with little to no respect, and takes advantage of us at every turn. She has been supremely nasty to me in particular, and my husband, claiming he doesn't want to cause any problems, never sticks up for me. I feel like he has more deference for her feelings than mine sometimes. I get incredibly jealous for myself and my BD on a regular basis, and I don't know how to deal with this situation. I'm to the point where I resent him, I don't really have any desire to spend any time with him, and my just the sight of my SS makes me cringe. I feel as if I can't breathe or take up space in my own home, and it's making me bitter and angry and depressed.
If anyone has some good advice to me, I'll take it. I'm tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own home, a woman who lives for the not-quite-72 hours when her SS will be gone...
Hi there and welcome! I'm
Hi there and welcome!
I'm also 24 and married with a LO on the way (in another week). I do have some advice but not sure to which degree it will help you in your situation. I think you did a great thing by helping your DH get custody of his son, but you have found what others did, always too late, that if you didn't have strict rules and boundaries with your partner, and didn't communicate your expectations prior (through no fault of your own because no one ever thinks this is what it'll turn out like) you are going to be disappointed at the life you are now relegated to.
Right now this is the only piece of advice I want to give you: Communication, communication, communication. You need to talk with your husband about the dissatisfactions of the current state of affairs. Your SS is a very minor part of the actual equation as the real problem is your huusband's inability to balance his family life.
Don't use accusatory words like "You did this" or "You did that", use examples and then say, "This makes me feel" and follow up with "I know you don't mean to, and I would like to work this out. How can we come to a compromise and a solution to make us both happy?" and remind him that if you are not happy, then this relationship will suffer and you don't want that to happen.
Remember! No matter how you phrase it, the first few (or couple, or most of the) times, he's going to feel defensive and lash out (if he's not the type that deals with communication well). Don't take it personally. If that happens, like he says you are trying to come between him and SS (which occurs in step life very often), don't get suckered into that argument--too many people get focused and lash back out at that. Ask him why he is being defensive, and before you even tackle your relationship problems, you'll have to tackle communication problems. Remain calm and collected and say clearly say that you realize there is a bigger issue at hand which is that he can't communicate with you in a calm manner and ask him if you guys can work on that first instead of dealing with the rest of the situation.
Things to ask him:
1. Why do you feel defensive about me trying to improve our relationship?
2. Do you feel that you are incapable of balancing your attention between all of our family members when SS is here? (Which includes you, BD, and the baby on the way.) Why is that?
3. Do you feel guilty and that's why you shift all your attention to him?
4. Do you think it's fair to the rest of our family for you to do this?
5. How do you think we can solve this so that I don't feel like you are neglecting me and BD, and you don't feel like you're neglecting SS?
6. Do you understand what I mean when I say I feel like (insert your emotions--we are not as important to you as SS? That you favor him over the rest of our children, not to mention myself?)
7. Do you know that a relationship will not last if you don't put effort into giving your partner what he or she needs, including time, love, and attention?
Anyway, these are just a few off the top of my head.
I can't stress how important the skill of communication and remaining calm is when you are in a relationship. My DH has a fiery temper, and lashes out when he feels threatened, but as long as I remain calm, I can usually lead him back to the issue at hand and we can get through it. That's not to say that he hasn't made me frustrated and upset, and a few times when we tried to talk, he made me cry.
But because he loves me, he tries very hard to change, and we're at a great place in our communication now.
My husband, who counsels
My husband, who counsels couples, swears this is THE best book for marriage and communication ever. He wished he would have read it years ago. He feels it's the only book he's ever read that really understands males. This is not in opposition to the above comments (despite the title). I just think it's helpful for every woman to read (and men, it's helped him to understand me) especially in situations like ours where we need to address tough step issues.
What is the name of the book?
What is the name of the book?
OMG that is really good! I
OMG that is really good! I haven't worked up the strength to chime in yet but I am going to soon and I have been trying to reason with stupid, selfish, addicted, narcissistic sd's, ss, and crazy ex wife for over a year now. Literally had started questioning my OWN sanity as well as my husband picker!!! Thanks for the quote. Gonna post it on my fb because I know for a fact nobody who I'm relating it to will come even close to understanding it! Aaarrrggghhh!!
Does anyone's marriage really
Does anyone's marriage really come before the step kids.
Duh - yes. Many, many. Just
Duh - yes. Many, many. Just not as many here as so many have DHs that are being obnoxious asses.
Dtzy? I love you. You are
Dtzy? I love you. You are my girl crush.
I am copying what you wrote
and sending it to my OH....
He still believes his kids come first because I am an adult and can take care of my self so of course they are his priority. He confuses meeting their needs with being their friend, wants v needs, guilty parenting (too afraid they will stop coming over if he puts his foot down and handles their shitty behaviour towards me)
Same with me Dtzy! My 3 Sons
Same with me Dtzy! My 3 Sons (adult-30, adult-20, teen-14) all have a great amount of respect for DH. This was achieved by them following my example and knowing that I would NOT tolerate any disrespect from them. My boy's support our relationship and all get along very well with DH. They have never been even remotely jealous because they are secure and know that I love them, will always be there for them and expect them to be the best they can. The thought of even attempting to break up our relationship would absolutely horrify them. They know it would be akin to a suicide wish on their behalf. They love me, absolutely, and want the very best for me - and if DH is the one making me happy, then they do all they can to support us.
Skids, on the other hand - it's a continuing struggle because of DH's disney dad parenting, a BM who disappeared for years, then reappeared and is now a goddamn nightmare trying to control us through kids.
This site has helped me see clearly. I blogged and showed DH the comments. I learned about "mini-wives" and PAS parenting. It's helped me so much and DH has also learned about boundaries, responsibilities and priorities. DH has now begun to parent responsibly and he's realised that SD has turned into a manipulative, controlling, spoilt brat. BM is NOT helping the situation - but you know what? As long as DH is standing by my side and supporting OUR RELATIONSHIP - nobody will be given the power to affect us.
United - we are strong and will handle anything. This is key.
Hey. One of the only things
Hey. One of the only things that seemed to actually get thru to my DH is when I asked him "do you realize that you are the head of this household? How much influence you have and how responsible you are for teaching your children how to treat me? Which really equals others as well? Do you think you are giving them the tools and setting them up to one day have healthy, respectful, healthy relationships of their own? Do you love them enough and want good things for them enough to be a little tougher on them when it's needed?" He didn't like hearing this at first, but how could he not put some thought, later, into those words? Hee hee it seemed to help a bit!
I can't really help on the DH
I can't really help on the DH aspect cause I get disrespected by my DH,especially if what is happening is not his way of thinking. I generally either shut up or face a huge blow up which subsequently leads to him storming out of the house and being gone for a few hours. Then when he gets home I am greeted with the silent treatment which lasts anywhere from hours to days depending on how long I want it to go on before I appologize and put the unresolved issues onto the ever growing pile. Its extremely hard to have so many unresolved issues. But you rock for helping your DH fight for custody of SS it can be so hard fighting BM in court.
Geez! How old is your DH? 12?
Geez! How old is your DH? 12? Giving you the silent treatment for days on end is juvenile and selfish. He needs to learn this:
#1 Priority - YOU. His partner/wife/husband
#1 Responsibility: Kids - clothing/education/health/welfare/well-being
Next time that twit gives you the silent treatment, give it right back - but keep it up for WEEKS! And while you're at it - do NOTHING for him and I mean NOTHING! - do NOT apologise (ESP if you're not in the wrong) and see how he handles it. Stuff that shit.
I still can't get over the
I still can't get over the fact that you are 24, going to school, and taking care of 2 kids while preparing for a third. Wow! Impressed. I don't know what will happen with your marriage, but I get the feeling you'll be fine.
(My stepson who is close to your age can't even pick up his used tissue.)