Need perspective
I found this site while searching for information on what I am going through as a step child. My parents divorced when I was 15. I lived with my Dad and sister after the dust settled.
My Dad confided in me about all of the legal paperwork, division of assets etc. he basically bad mouthed my mother and added fuel to the fire most 15 year olds have with mom. My father met my step mother at a bar. She had a 4 year old. Step mother had next to nothing, my dad was well off and a business owner. Fast forward a few years, I left for college and then girlfriend moved in with her daughter my dad and sister. That's when her personality began to shift. She was always jealous of my sister and tried to make sure there was no special time for her and my dad alone. All kinds of issues occurred. My sister eventually left for college as well. Step mom finally had what she wanted - her pretend family of three. Step mom doesn't work and lavishes gifts and parties on her daughter. When my sister and I grew up, both parents worked and built their businesses and lived on a budget. My Dad paid for his wife's daughter to go on trips with them everywhere they went. She had been more places by 12 than I had at 20. When we were little out parents left us with grandparents to go to Hawaii and Europe. Not good enough for the new step daughter.
It has been hard not to be jealous because this behavior is so over the too. For the 16th bd they rented a bar and hired a band. For the upcoming 21st bd step mom planning a trip to Vegas paying for rooms and a VIP table, dinners etc. also renting a limo for actual bd before Vegas. Nothing like this ever happens for me or my sister. For my 21st I got a card signed by my step mom using my dads first name not even "dad". Also I got an arts and crafts mosaic kit. Not even a $10 bill to buy a drink. Not did they visit as I was still in college.
I try and forgive these glaring discrepancies in how the bio kids are treated vs her daughter but its hard to forget. I also don't blame the step sister as this is not her fault. Her mothers behavior has given her some emotional issues as well (over weight and hasn't had many make female relationships and she is now in college).
Recently, my step mother has decided she no longer likes the 15 year arrangement my sister and I have had regarding Christmas. Since the divorce Xmas eve was my dads and Xmas day was my moms. My moms new family has arranged their holidays around our arrangement and I enjoy the tradition. Step mom is tired of having us over Xmas eve and then hosting Xmas day with her friends and family. Wants us to switch days. I offered to compromise and host Xmas eve dinner to lighten her load and she refuses to accept that. Instead she will not be happy until I show up Xmas day. For me to do this, I give up the special time with my mom and celebrate with her husbands family Xmas eve. I feel like as an adult (31) I should be able to say no to the step mom without her wrath but when I do not do what she wants its like world war three. I go along to get along just to keep my father in my life but this is one thing I just am inflexible on. My dad allows his wife to do all these things with no regard for our feelings. It's very sad for me and I am at the point where I don't know what to do. My parents divorce robbed me if so much is it so bad that I want to hang onto Christmas with my mom? Step mother wants to have a quiet Xmas eve at home. That's why my offer to host the evening doesn't appease her. For me it's par for the course. She is again trying to control our limited time with our father by in inviting us to their home. On Xmas day I will have to share him with all of her family as well. Xmas eve was just our immediate fam her daughter included of course. What do I have to do to get along with this woman? She makes it so very hard! I figured this was a good place for advice since there are a lot of step mothers here. Why is she jealous and mean and trying to kill my relationship with my father? I love and respect him less each time something like this happens. This isn't the first time... I am considering just cutting them both out of my heart and not making the tremendous effort it takes to TRY.
Thanks Ybarra I'm looking for
Thanks Ybarra I'm looking for perspective. So In your opinion should I give in again like usual and agree to change Xmas to please her and hurt my mom? I can't make any decisions here that don't cause me to be a bad guy for someone. Just curious Ybarra, what does the mature kid do here?
The step family situation is
The step family situation is never easy for anyone involved. The skids, bio kids, SM, BM,or the DH. Everyone is vying for their position. Unfortunately, it's usually the SM and the skids who take it the hardest and take the brunt of the blame. The SM and skids are pitted against each other in order to gain attention/affection from the husband. So really the blame falls on the husband for not being a man and taking control of his family.
Your father was wrong in involving you with the details of his divorce. He put you in an impossible situation. He turned you into his confidant and support system. That is not a good place to be for a 15 year old. He should have been supporting you.
Even though you are an adult I can tell that these things really bother you. Your father is married to this woman. Although she is a housewife, it is no longer his money. It's THEIR money. They are married. So THEY can spend THEIR money in any way they see fit. If they want to spend it every single dime on your stepsister there's really not much you can do about it.
As far as Xmas goes, you are an adult and you can say no. You do not have to deal with the wrath of SM. Sometimes in life as an adult we have to make hard decisions. We cannot always have our way. The holidays are about family, extended and nuclear. If you want to see your father on Xmas Eve you will have to suck it up and go and deal with SM, her kid, and her family.
I'm going to be honest. It sounds like you have some unresolved issues from childhood and they are not all the SM's fault. Perhaps some counseling will help you work thru these things.
Thanks belladonna I think you
Thanks belladonna I think you are right about counseling I am working on an auth code with my health care provider. The anxiety over her un inviting us to Xmas eve, refusing to come to our house and only happy if I slight my mother has made my week terrible. I don't want to go through this for the rest of my life.
I would try to talk to your
I would try to talk to your dad and tell him that you feel He isn't making an effort to be part of your lives. Tell him about the first name birthday card, tell him you're trying to compromise and tell him you feel like you aren't important enough for him to be making the effort. Leave SM out of it entirely. See what he says.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you have a weak sort of man as a father and his solution to life, like many men, is go along to get along. For better or worse, this is the woman he's chosen and it sounds very much like he will do whatever she wants to keep an easy life. I can see how this would be by hurtful to you and confusing.
My suggestion is to keep your plans with your moms family. Tell dad and SM that you have a previous engagement for Christmas Day. Maybe offer to see dad (or all of them) for a meal at a restaurant the day after, or reissue an invitation to host the day after at your house. Then accept the answer without question or negotiation.
I don't know that I would try to cut them out of my heart, but I would stop the appeasement and if/when WW3 breaks out, ignore it. I'm not sure how the wars have presented in the past, but if its SM calling and screaming, hang up, don't answer. If its coming through dad, I'd calmly examine that you think she's being unreasonable and while you understand his position, you have other people in your life you need to be considerate of as well and you're being as respectful as possible.
Sadly, you may lose more time with your dad. He's an adult and can deal with his own relationships. He may chose to avoid you and your sister rather than upset SM if she's being unreasonable. But you don't need to expose yourself to nasty and hurt your mother because of his choices. It's a rough situation, sorry for you.
Thanks lady face yes I
Thanks lady face yes I certainly don't expect trips and limos! Just trying in a nutshell to show clear disparity in how we are treated. Last year we went to dinner for my big 30 and it was lovely. Yes my father certainly should be doing things differently. He is a difficult man. He doesn't care a lick about Christmas. His hat says bah-humbug in fact. As a parent now myself I really cannot imagine treating my child like this. If my marriage were to fail and I was to re marry I would try and minimize resentment and keep things as equal as possible in an unfair world. My husband is disgusted by my fathers inability to do the right thing for his kids every time an issue arises. My mother and her husband keep it even Steven and her husband has no jealousy issues when mom and I spend time alone. Step mom sees time with dad as excluding her step dad thinks time with mom and daughter is a great thing. It's just amazing how hard my father and his wife make things and how easy it is with my moms fam and my in laws. Thank god for them. Appreciate the perspective!
I admit that I read the posts
I admit that I read the posts quickly and probably missed details... I actually just joined this site bc I'm very frustrated with my own step daughter and I laws right now, but your post caught my eye. I wish you were my stepdaughter! Your concerns sound reasonable to me. I'd welcome the opportunity to work things through with my own stepdaughter, but she prefers backstabbing and sucker punching. Rough terms I know, but pretty accurately describes her behavior. I can understand wanting to keep the Christmas schedule the way it's been, but I'd try to refrain from calling it tradition. That term has a tendency to draw battle lines. From the way you talk about your step mom, that she deserves respect, however, she probably has her own version of this situation. I like to think of the word "respect" as re meaning again, and spect meaning to look at. Breaking it down like this helps me to try to see a situation from the other side in am attempt to understand both sides, the other person involved and mine. In this situation, I'd give my right arm just to actually have a routine holiday celebration schedule. If you can work it out to make a change, then you should do it. It's better than not having a family celebration. Things get complicated when kids marry and you have to share them with their inlaws... And even more complicated with steps, etc. take another deep breath and try to keep the peace.
Thanks Aeron, I have tried to
Thanks Aeron, I have tried to have those talks with my father and he has told me I am his blood and will love him unconditionally where his wife won't. It is as you assume, he goes along to get along. That's all well and good except she never seems to be satisfied. We did thanksgiving with them the last two years in a row for example. In this most recent case I sent my dad a private email explaining my position and all the reasons I don't want to make this change and asking for his thoughts. He either shared it with his wife or she checked his email. She emailed me back all crazy like. My email wasn't offensive or anything, I understand he loves her and she comes first. I chose not to reply to her and am sitting tight here to cool down and seek advice before doing anything else. I am quite certain I will not be attending Xmas day at their house after all of this. Who wants to do something because you have a proverbial gun to your head?
Well... Then dad has told
Well... Then dad has told you whe he stands and if that's his position, okie dokie. He's an idiot, but ok. Blood does not guarantee unconditional love. It doesn't ensure that someone will be a doormat forever.
I wouldn't respond to her email at all. A member here posts about a drama triangle, victim,persecutor, and rescuer. There's no way to "win" so remove yourself. You've explained your reasons for not wanting to make a change, dad chose not to answer. So be it. He doesn't want to deal with it, Christmas isn't his thing, whatever. Do as you like and let her have a tantrum if she likes. I might call at some point to make sure He read your email, but otherwise I'd let it go.
I'd probably also try to see dad once mor, lunch or something the two of you and explain that yes, he's your father and you love him, you understand his position, but you're not accepting her crazy any longer. Blood doesn't mean you're going to put up with her antics because she doesn't love him unconditionally. And if that means not really seeing him anymore, so be it. Then let him make his own choices. Realize he may choose to not see you anymore and if that's the case, focus on your moms family and your husbands and your own.
Sometimes we have to minimize contact or move contact with toxic people. It's hard, it sucks when that involves family, but yea, being held hostage is IMO, a worse option. I hate to say it, but it sounds like your dad is lacking some integrity and inner strength in general, based on how he handled the divorce and bad mouthed your mom... He's about himself, he will choose what is easiest for him. Unfortunately that makes him kind of a crappy parent, but that's nothing you can change. You need to focus on what you can control - yourself.
So, accept invitations you want to, decline the others that don't fit your schedule and ignore her happiness. She doesn't care about yours, dad is apparently unconcerned, so do what will make you happy. Everyone else in this situation certainly is.
You sent your dad a private
You sent your dad a private email - really there should be no secrets between husband and wife, so if you expected him not to confide in his wife you were wrong. Sending your dad an email is certainly OK - but take the word "private" out of it.
"She was always jealous of my sister and tried to make sure there was no special time for her and my dad alone. All kinds of issues occurred."
Did your SM hold your dad hostage? Was he locked up without access to a phone? Really, I get so sick of Skids blaming SM for their lack of relationship with their bio parent (dad). He was and is a grown adult capable of making his own decisions. Sometimes when skids cause too much tension and are too demanding it is just sooo tiring and stressful. Your dad just wants to live in peace and not have to "choose" all the time. Stop trying to guilt him into being a better daddy, you are well over the age of needing constant parental attention.
I will reiterate what I wrote below as well. Just do what you want for xmas and ignore SM's wrath. IF you politely decline, and show no hard feelings I highly doubt there will be any wrath.
Same thing with me on
Same thing with me on birthdays and Christmas's, I did almost all of it. In my case, my step grand kids were instructed to walk around me to thank grandpa for all the gifts. Now DH buys the gifts (sometimes, sometimes not). He gets them less than I did but it's much more meaningful for the kids from what I can see.
No one wants to bend over backwards to get gifts only to be treated with contempt. Not sure why skids don't see that.
Ugh the gift and card thing!
Ugh the gift and card thing! My skids are only children still (sd13 and ss10) but *I* buy the freaking birthday and Christmas presents, wrap them all pretty, buy the cards, he writes the cards (from both of us - he always puts love dad and Luchay) and they pointedly thank him and ignore me.
Sd's birthday was 2 weeks ago - she went as far as reading out the card in it's entirety and got to the end "love Dad"....
I have had enough - so I said really loudly - Honey? Did you forget to put my name on there too???
And he was mortified (because up until recently he has refused to believe princess plays games like this) and said "no I put your name!" Last years card she scribbled out my name and added some - so it read "love Dad and mum (BM)"
SD's who are daddy's girls.... vendettas against SM's.
OP - while you are stewing over her reply to you take a good hard look at how you and your sister have welcomed your dad's wife into your family??? I agree with whoever above posted the comments about her "pretend family" Her family is not pretend.
I agree the person you should
I agree the person you should be complaining about is your Father not your SM. It seems that jealosy is involved here, maybe not your SM's. You complain that they spend THEIR money on your Stepsister. The same thing happened to me with my natural siblings - the youngest got more than the rest but that's just life. Like your Dad, by the time my youngest Sister was born, my parents had more to spend on her. What they do with their money is their business.
Your Dad does not seem to be communicating with you appropriately, emotionally or directly. HE should be the one to ask if you want to come over Christmas Day. And you are an adult - if it doesn't agree with your shcedule or wishes just say "No." It is not required that you have to have a relationship with your SM at all but I disagree with one of the other poster who suggested you threaten to not see him anymore if he doesn't see things your way. That's emotional blackmail, and will guarantee no solution and possibly no contact. You mentioned your Dad does what is easiest for him. The easiest thing for him is to stay in his marriage.
You wrote things should be 'equal'. In real life nothing is equal. Your partnership with your Husband should be your prime focus. The same is true for your Father.
You are an adult and it
You are an adult and it sounds like you have a fairly normal life (i.e educated and employed).
It is certainly within their right to change how they want to celebrate Christmas. But you already have other plans so there is no reason that you have to change your plans to accommodate them.
Don't worry about it. Just express your regrets but you have long-standing plans in place already. Nobody on either side should get pissy about it.
I have a SS about your age. I decide what DH and I are going to do. If we can include SS I have invited him but with no expectation that he has to come.
Someday you may want to spend Christmas off on a trip and not be beholden to either parent.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the constructive criticism, I certainly have not always treated my step mother the way I should have. It was hard as a teenager to deal with the situation and all of the issues. As an adult and especially after my daughter was born, I have tried as hard as I could so that my innocent daughter will not know a difference exists between her grandparents and can bond with all of them. The pretend family comment stems from their marriage where my sister and I were excluded from the "family table".
We were asked to be in the wedding but as the only blood family for my fathers side placed at other tables with the guests. Before the ceremony, I saw the names at the family table and noticed the exclusion. I asked my step mom if we could change this at all and she refused. It was the first day I realized I was not part of this new family. Her daughter would always sit at her table and my sister and I would be held at a distance. This is defensive of me to even explain my self further, and my step mothers side would be that because i cried when she would not re arrange seats, i ruined her wedding day. Forgiving is easier than forgetting but when my step sister is allowed to be at their home for xmas eve and all of a sudden my sister and i (and families) aren't, i reach right back to the fact she seems to consider the 3 of them a nuclear family. The entire reason she wants to move the day we celebrate is so she and my dad can have a quiet family night at home eating soup. this is what she said last year when she brought this up originally. i thought i explained why we weren't doing that last year. she relented at thanksgiving time and invited is after all when it was clear we weren't swapping days. my sister and i brought dishes and wine as usual as we are good guests. She has no better reason to change days this year, and refuses to accept our invitation to our home Xmas eve so she and her mother and my step sister and my father can be guests. To me that is a compromise but not to her.
Based on some of the sound advice here, I'm going to learn and grow and move on. My step mom has a lot of redeeming qualities she isnt all bad i just dont understand her motives. also yes my father has made himself clear, i jut didnt really get it before. This forum is great and I'm glad it exists.
the wedding seating issue
the wedding seating issue is due to her dd being very young. you said she was 4 when they met. of course she would be seated with her mom at the wedding table. you and sis were teens and I can only imagine the negative attitude and face expressions coming from you and your sis at the main table. I don't believe for one min. that you were happy for them and I bet Sm knew it. good on her for taking control on HER wedding day.
As for Christmas eve, maybe she is just plain tired of having two major celebrations back to back. I know I am since we do the same thing. Not everything is about you. you are 30 now , not a minor child. Fit them in when it suits you and stop reading into everything. Go to your mom's Xmas day like you always do and visit your dad another day.
Good luck.
its not your step sisters
its not your step sisters fault. don't take it out in Her.
who cares w here they meet, judgemental much?
your step mom probably tried to do all the same things for you and your sister but you were probably assholes to her, never appreciated anything and she finally had enough. this and still comments Are based on my own experience with skids. sorry so blunt. I bet she tried and you rejected her then I bet you're mother feed you full of lies about her.
if your dad didn't do parties for his daughters, it's not step moms fault. nor should she have to follow whatever he established when it comes to get own daughter.
also not get fault that your mother wanted to leave you and sister behind on family trips. I'm glad she's taking Her daughter now
you don't know her finances, maybe she's independently wealthy and didn't have to work.
she and your dad can plan any holiday they choose. you can go or not. no doubt you make her uncomfortable anyway. choose your mom's because it's tradition and tell sm you'll come another time but mom has had this day forever...I don't disagree with you on that.
I don't think you will have
I don't think you will have much choice here. The holidays are exhausting and I understand SM wanting to have a low key night at home Christmas Eve. You fairly tried to offer an alternative but she doesn't want that.
Another alternative would be to start a new tradition. What about Christmas on Ephiphany (http://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/common/epiphany)... January 6th? Our family opens presents on that day and there are many services on that day to celebrate Christmas. This way everyone could be more relaxed. You may also consider Christmas in July or something. Just a new tradition as the old one sounds stressful for SM.
I think changing the date will benefit you the most in the long run. One of the greatest complications I observe is when skids get married. Suddenly they have to worry about husband/wife's parents (possibly divorced too) family traditions. There might be four potential places to go on Christmas and Thanksgiving. It's exhausting. Figuring out a new day now may be the way to go.
As far as feeling your little sister (by marriage) gets more, please realize that she has a different mom. Another major factor is your dads age and how established he is. I have heard your same complaints about biological, much younger siblings from many of my friends. Parents seem to be much more generous and lax as they get older because they have more $ and also because they feel less worried. I've actually seen this work out rather poorly for the youngest kids for a variety of reasons.
They are a real family even though it's not your family. I know it's painful but it's not SMs fault.
Usually dads don't see their kids as much because most men simply aren't relational. When they were with bio mom it was easy to pop in and visit dad and mom. Without biomom present most dads will do very little to keep in touch with anybody.
I can't tell you how many calendars (to call and visit) I used to make to remind DH to get in touch with skids and MIL. I reminded and encouraged him literally hundreds of times. The result... nothing. Guess who was resented for keeping the kids and DH apart? I realized neither skids nor DH made effort but it was convenient to blame me. Unfortunately, they didn't see their dad as much as they used to but that was the divorce, not me. That's true for most SMs.
You're right to grieve. Divorce does cause this tremendous loss. Unfortunately, most SMs are scapegoated because dad is no longer immediately available or available in a comfortable setting (your house of origin without strangers around) like he used to be. That's not SMs fault, it's the sad result of divorce.
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p.s. If SM doesn't want to
p.s. If SM doesn't want to do Christmas on Epiphany or Christmas in July (or whenever), than you it's likely SM stopping Christmas Eve was more about her feeling uncomfortable with you guys. If that's the case, at least you know and can address this however you deem appropriate.
One thing you could consider
One thing you could consider is rotating where you spend Christmas dinner each year..while it doesn't give you the standard tradition of Xmas Eve at Dad's and Xmas Day at Mom's, at least you can rotate and have Xmas dinner at either Dad's or Mom's each year
Although it messes up things for you perhaps your SM just feels that now you and your sister are older with families of your own and can see your Dad whenever you want that you can do what many other people in this situation do
You know this situation best but consider that it may not necessarily be your SM just trying to control your time with your dad - when my h and I first moved in together I wanted to start up a family Sunday Night dinner when his girls were with us. I grew up with big Sunday night family dinners where my mom had all immediate family there of course, my sisters and I, along with our older brothers who had moved out but home Sunday evenings with their SO's, and friends of my parents where often invited too. I loved this and mistakenly thought my h's daughters would too. So, on Sunday evenings I invited H's parents and sister, along with my parents, brothers and sisters or H, his daughter's and I would go to my family for a big get together. My intention was to give H's daughters the happy family dinner routine I had grown up with. I also wanted to convey to them how much my family and I cared about them and considered them family. I hoped they would bond with my family and feel happy at having just that many more people to dote and lavish attention on them. Boy was I wrong!!
H's eldest daughter became enraged, threw temper tantrums, made up lies and had crying fits (she was teenager at the time) every time my family was present. I finally understood her thoughts on this situation were very, very different than mine. She resented very much having to share H with my family.
Again you know your situation best but just wondering if it could be possible your SM just wants all of the family, you included, there to have Xmas dinner on Xmas day...
I wish you well in this and feel free to keep us posted
Not sure why your SM would
Not sure why your SM would invite her family 100% of the time you see your dad StepAside...that is just so not right!
The situation with my h's dd was the exact opposite, she lived with us full time back then. She saw H every single day. and yet she still resented spending time with my family. ANY time to her was unacceptable. In fact, not only did she feel it was unacceptable for her to be expected to have anything to do with my family, but H could not attend my family events either
It got to the point where I simply went to my family's events alone and then guess what happened?
Ysd was then irked because she was no longer going to my family's events. That I was going alone.
Turns out, unlike her older sister, ysd LOVED being around my family, going to my family events, and felt resentful when suddenly she was no longer included
So now, dh's eldest is not invited to any of my family events. Ysd however, whenever she is in town is invited to everything. Works for all of us
Agreed, I really tried to get
Agreed, I really tried to get my DH to meet with skids and MIL one on one because I thought this was important for their relationship.
To me, the key point of this
To me, the key point of this scenario is it's been a 15 year arrangement....15 years!!! For her to decide this is a manipulative move, in my opinion. True, we don't know how your relationship with her has been, but as a SM, I can't imagine changing a 15 year agreement without some discussion with those involved or an alternate, reasonable plan suggestion...as in alternate as others have mentioned. With so many on this board having downright evil stepkids who have done truly heinous things to them, it's hard to remember that not every stepchild is out to get their stepparent. Let's not forgot daddy's part in this...which is HUGE. He's agreed to this arrangement and while SM may be a b*tch for suggesting it; he's spineless for just going along to get along. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
SM can most certainly
SM can most certainly decide since she is hosting. I would guess she discussed with her DH and came to this decision together. They don't need SD,s permission to change an event they are hosting.
She doesn't need her
She doesn't need her permission but common courtesy would dictate it would be discussed with the family unit. This woman doesn't consider this girl part of her family unit. That is very clear. If my biological family changed a longstanding tradition without consulting everyone involved, I would be very hurt...and mad! Plus, it wasn't the hosting part. This poster offered to host. This woman wants to cause problems with her step kids. Maybe it's justified given the past, but whatever the reason, she is ignoring her feelings completely.