I feel so sad for my husband
We're having a birthday party for my daughter on the 14th. She'll be three. She wanted her sister, my SD to come and paint faces. I emailed SD and asked her if she would come and paint the kids faces. Her response was that that is Father's Day weekend and she already has plans. What with her mother's boyfriend? I want to cry for my husband.
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What does the divorce decree
What does the divorce decree state?? Isnt he supposed to get her on Father's Day?? If so, I would let her know that you will be expecting her on Father's Day, as you have plans as a family together to celebrate her Father.
I'm not a big fan of letting
I'm not a big fan of letting kids decide when/if they will be visiting when there is a court order. As far as I am concerned, he should go pick her up whether she likes it or not. She might be mad, but she will know he is willing to fight to see her.
I have to say that the kids deciding
Isn't always black and white. I can understand why some people give into letting the kids decide. It's very emotionally draining to have your kids reject you over and over. I would think after a while some parents just try to shut down, or perhaps before that point they attempt to put the kids needs and wants first by letting them decide.
I have always told my sons, if there was ever a time that two houses were too many, that they could pick a schedule that gave them one house most of the time. Interestingly, they have never wanted that, not even with all of SD's drama and chaos. They both tell me that they want to keep it just as it is. And we make that easy on them by being completely flexible if we have to make plans to attend a family event and the kids are at the other house. Only another family event or trip supercedes in that case, and our families are very understanding that occasionally the boys won't be there.
BUT....I think there is a difference when a parent is conspiring with their kid to avoid seeing the other parent. Funny...SD's BM accuses us of that every time SD says she doesn't want to go over there. But we really really want her to go over there for a much needed break. I think BM does it to try to rationalize the fact that usually SD stops wanting to go there when BM shows she's completely disinterested in SD coming over there.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Wow...that was a definite jab
She made a point to say she had plans for "Father's Day" then she is trying to hurt your DH on purpose. Has he looked into PAS with his attorney? Or is he too worn down to fight anymore?
I'm so sorry Kathleen. Your situation sucks and is unfortunately far too common. I do like Frustrated's advice. I would copy and paste it directly if it were me. CC to BM.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Poor thing
She is really trying to hurt him, isn't she? I feel bad for him as well.
I am waiting to see if SD15 will deign to show up for Father's Day this year. When she went to BM's she told my husband she wasn't coming back at all.
Thanks guys
I talked this over with my MIL at lunch. She said the same thing about it being Father's Day weekend and they don't have a choice. They will come. But as we talked, she agreed that it is just so much harder to force these kids to do something they so obviously don't want to do. For us, our life has gotten so difficult and we don't have the fight in us anymore. If anything, I hope that someone out there through all this discussion might help us shed some light on how things were able to become so awful. And if that happens, I hope I will be able to spare someone else such horrible heartache that we have had.
Yes, she is an awfully vindictive girl and she definitely wants to hurt us in every way she can. That was a total jab at my husband, but signing her name with the BM fiance's last name is another in your face jab too.
We've given up. I just wanted to tell someone it hurt and I didn't have anyone I felt like sharing that with. I knew you all would understand.
OMG
I didn't read that part before "signing her name with the BM fiance's last name"
What a little sh*t.
I'll tell you Kathleen, I am now understanding why people for centuries have sent their teens off to boarding school. Last night BS 13 verbally attacked me out of nowhere. I'm going to post about that soon. They are so whiny, so self centered, so manipulative, so hurtful, so condenscending to us PARENTS. I had so many horrible things occur to me in my adolesence, and never did I throw hurtful personal strikes at my mom. I knew that she had it rough too, and I didn't want to hurt her no matter the pain I was in.
It isn't all the kids being poisoned by the other parent. These kids are fed BS culturally about how we suck as parents. Look at their "harmless" PG TV shows. I'm about to blast a whole post revisiting that subject myself.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I find these responses thought provoking
Silversomething said that if we make her (them) come, she might be mad, but at least she would know her dad would fight for her. I think that is very interesting.
I think we are all glad she isn't coming because the day would be ruined for all with her horrible attitude. My parents are flying in from out of town, and we don't see them very often. The last trip out to see them, they were so horrified by my Skids behavior that they took me aside and asked that I never bring them back to their house again. That was a shock because they are such giving and loving people. So, they will be here for my daughters birthday and I think it would really ruin it for them.
But I think Silversomething has a point. Maybe this party isn't the place to start because of my folks but if my husband wants a relationship with his kids, he probably has to put up with alot of resistance and terrible treatment. With us, we were just so worn out. I started worrying about my daughter and being hurt etc. and didn't want them over anymore. I didn't ask my husband to choose but I made it clear that it wasn't fair to his youngest child to face abuse.
Some people say that a girl will learn everything about relationships with men by the relationship she has with her father. So far I'd say she is in for big trouble. If she thinks she can tell men what to do, has little to no respect for them and pushes them away and they go, she will lead a lonely life. Much like her mother's I suspect. So maybe just the "fight" to see her, to show her she has value and men do too could save her future.
Now on the other hand, why suffer so. And as Cruella said, just stop trying and let her go on her own. The thing is, she would welcome that, and disappear forever. I would be okay with that but I'm not so sure it would be good for her or for my husband.
What do you guys think?
I don't know...
About that fighting to see her to help her with men. My SD tries to manipulate friends and boys to fight over her. When we were smack dab in the middle of the custody case sometimes she would make comments sort of like like oh darn, I just hate how everyone is fighting over me." In this "woe is me, but ain't it sorta sweet to be this important" kind of tone.
I think these kids somewhat like the power and drama they provoke. It's a mighty powerful position to be in, isn't it?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
But, in real life
when you treat someone bad, they do leave you alone, they don't keep coming back for more abuse unless they are sick themselves.
I don't think it will help SD to know that someone 'fought' for her, our SD has tried that too, and DH told her he would not play that game. She had said she didn't want to visit once so we didn't send her a ticket. Then she was hurt because she wanted him to MAKE her come. He said, if you say something I am going to take you at your word, I am not going to play these games with you. BM is very fond of provoking men to 'fight' for her too. So to me these SDs need to be taken at their word, then when they ARE alone, they will have to look at why.
That said, I think about my SD every day and wonder what she is doing, etc. and am sad we won't see her for the indefinite future. But then I think about the things she has done, honestly some I am too embarrassed to post and some I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, and I get mad all over again! so I think a little distance is in order sometimes. My family, that she loves to see, is also showing signs of not wanting SD around if that is how she is going to be, and she knows that. So its not just the evil DH and SM, it is others too!
A family's disapproval is a powerful motivator, I am sorry but its true and I sure hope something works for us all, ya know?!!
"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus