And vent! Sounds like you need it. I get so frustrated with my SD sometimes, that I wish her away! I feel guilty about it too, but you know what, we are only human. We can only give so much, we can only take so much abuse. The only thing I TRY to remember, though it is hard, that may help you too, is that SD is a product of BM. Mine is close to the age of yours, 11, at that young, their thoughts still revolve very much around those of BM. If your BM was civil and reasonable, I guarantee your SD would be. So, maybe thinking about that will help redirect MOST of the anger towards BM.

Best of luck!

I cannot believe that the child is 12-years-old?!
And BB is okay with her behavior?!
I cannot believe that any parent (regardless of how they feel toward another person) would allow their child to behave that way!
She is NOT doing that little girl any favors.

I am lucky in that my SD for the most part has not been brainwashed by her BB, but thats not to say BB doesn't try!

I feel for you.

My sds were strongly encouraged to call their dad by his first name and their stepdad "dad". They will still do it to this day. She even had them using their stepdads last name! But bms own mother stepped in on that one.

Anything and everyone to do with dad is poison, everything to do with mom is perfect. Its sick and its a type of brainwashing called Parental Alienation or Parental Alienation Sydrome.

Here are some links.....
http://www.parentalalienation.com/pasdirectory.htm
http://parental-alienation.com/articles/article0001.htm

Good luck to you. I feel your pain.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein

Honey! this pisses me off too, on your behalf! You tell that B*&$( there is no way you will attend anything with this child-! or BM!! I personally think you should go on about your business and forget about getting along with them for a while.

If your DH feels he must give them Anything for Christmas, please ask him to just send it over and don't give them any of your family's holiday time (you, dh and sis)!! Even better give them what they deserve - zero!

I would not even entertain any conversation or back and forth with this brat any more, or her horrible mom! Refuse to speak to them! God loves you too, not just the 'poor kids and mom over there'!

sorry to go off, you just really don't deserve any of this

Most Evil!

Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats

I think it's time to talk to someone about parental alienation. I would keep a list. Especially, the part about her speaking Spanish in front of you, her having the kids call their father his first name, etc. I really feel for your husband in this situation as well. I think Cruella is right about how we take so much BS from BM and Skids b/c we want to be close to the kids. I have said myself that I would never tolerate this kind of treatment anywhere else in life- I would end any relationship that was so dysfunctional if it weren't for the fact that they are kids.

I also have to say that kids wrapped up in this have an addiction to the drama that surrounds them. They enjoy quite a powerful position. If things get close to calm it's uncomfortable to them- foreign to them. When things are calm feelings surface and the drama helps to cover them/push them back down. We see this with SD. She doesn't like it too peaceful. She will sabotage positive activities in order to make them all about her and feel more important. During the custody case she would say, "I hate all this, talking to all these experts about me, having my parents always asking how I feel about it all," all the while a smug smirking expression on her face.

Even after our wonderful weekend- I surprised her with finally getting her ears pierced. This has been something she has tried to manipulate both us and her mom into doing for years. So last year after we got custody, we offered for her mom to do it. Honestly even after all BM does, I didn't want to step on her toes. But BM kept stringing it along. Then SD would try to say, "Mom's never doing it why don't you do it?" OR "I'd rather go with YOU than mom," Finally I told her if she brought it up before I'm ready to do it, then she'll blow it. I don't like her trying to manipulate the adults to get what she wants. So she was really good the past several months and never mentioned it to me. I take her yesterday. First my SD did thank me profusely. The next thing out of her mouth? "Mom's going to be sooooo mad. She told me recently that she would take me [this is AFTER we did it of course] Then the icing on the cake? She calls DH and tells him, "Don't tell mom I got my ears pierced because I want to see the look on her face. She's gonna be SOOOOOO mad!" UGH.

Vent away. I hear you loud and clear. Even when we do something positive, it all goes back to what negative reaction SD will get from BM. I suspect that's a lot of what is feeding your SD right now.
Peace, love, and red wine

She wants no contact? Fine. Give her no contact. Christmas is coming. She wants nothing from you? Great! One less person to shop for... cross her off your Christmas list. She doesn't want the room or anything of hers in it? GREAT! Like you said, that's one fight resolved. As for DH, all you can do is express that you are sorry the situation with his kids is the way it is and then SAY NOTHING ELSE. It's really not your problem. Let him deal or not deal with it however he wants. Whatever! Be supportive of him, listen (or pretend to listen) if he needs to vent, but offer nothing. It's hard to keep your mouth shut at first, but after awhile, it gets a lot easier to say "gee, I'm sorry this is so hard for you" than it is to get into a fight with him about it.

It does sound like parental alienation to me, but you'll probably never get the courts to step in and do anything about it. We've been in a similar boat with my skids for the past three or four years. They treat us like dogshit stuck on the bottom of their shoes most of the time. (They start "liking" us again about two weeks before birthdays and Christmas, then ignore us the rest of the year.) At this point, all we can do is let them know that regardless of how they treat us, we're still here and always will be. My response to what your SD wrote would've been to tell her I'm sorry she feels that way, that we love her very much, that there will always be a place for her in our family and that we hope someday she will be mature enough to think for herself and if that time comes, we'll still be here for her. Then I'd cut her off. Don't let a 12yo kid dictate your emotions to you. Give yourself permission to stop caring about this.

~ Anne ~

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The times when my SD has upset me the most, disrespected me the most, lost my trust etc...

I allow myself to be vulnerable.

I stand up in front of her, tell her to look at me (eye to eye) and wrap my arms around her. Many times she resists the hug, but I hold onto her. I say, "I love you more than I can ever show and more than you will ever be able to feel. I'm human. I'm learning this as I go. I will make mistakes and so will you. But I really do love you. UNCONDITIONALLY."

This touches her in a place where I think just maybe she can finally feel it. She usually collapses into my hug fully then crying. I think they are so insecure about their dad loving someone other than them or their mom that it is totally underlying their every motive. They try to be tough and resist being vulnerable to our rejection so much that they are constantly pushing us away, always testing us.

I know we want to let go of it all and disengage b/c it's so unhealthy. But is disengaging healthy for all of us?

Kathleen, you said it so well here, "...when I married DH, I took on all of him and his life, which I feel makes me responsible for these kids too. So, if he wants to keep on trying, then I feel that I should too."

This is the ultimate truth for many of us. And the ultimate test for most of us as well. Not to be a doormat for our BM's or SK's abuse...
But to rise above it and come from a place of love. This will sound weird to many, but one of the things I took away from my weekend was a moment I had in a Buddhist healing ceremony a monk did. In Buddhist guided meditation you are often asked to inhale the pain of others, really take it all in, then when you exhale you are releasing it...from you but FOR them.

Believe it or not, I did this for my SD's mom. She is always on my mind. I wish I could absorb her illness and release it from her. Help her to feel the love of others. I really do. Because one cool thing I like about Buddhist philosophy is that our job here is to relieve the suffering of others. If others in our lives are suffering we are affected by it. Therefore, if we help relieve their suffering then we all benefit.

I think this is a powerful place to try to come from when dealing with BM's and SK's. Especially the SK's. B/c they really are suffering through it all.

That's why the little buggers are making OUR lives full of suffering too! Misery loves company

Z

Peace, love, and red wine

I've told you before that I don't really care for your skids and I think I'' stick to my opinion...

You need to come to grips that there is only SO much you can do. You've tried and failed. Until those kids are ready, which may be never, it is never going to matter what you do. Let DH continue in his attempts, but why do you need to continue to suffer? They are being completely unreasonable, even alienating YOUR daughter, THEIR sister....because she is an extension of you? To me, it's their loss and you can only be mistreated for so long before you stamp your foot and cry out "ENOUGH!".

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."