Blaming the skids
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So many kids on this site and in society are being set up to fail because they got stuck with pathetic, pi$$ poor parents, and then so many posters on this site blame the kids for acting out. It just is mind boggling. I think that instead of being consumed with so much anger towards these kids, we need to direct that anger to the root of the problem: the "parents."
I blame the parents. Totally
I blame the parents. Totally and wholeheartedly. I have had numerous arguments with SO about this very point, that it is his fault that his children are so poorly behaved. He is getting his act together, slowly but surely.
Me too, and I've made it
Me too, and I've made it clear to dh many times in the past. The SDs are much better now but their parents REALLY did a number on them.
That's why I refuse to hold
That's why I refuse to hold anger towards the kids. Even Snooki who was HELL in human form from 15-18. What can you expect with a meth head BM, then a psycho gambling whore of a SM who beat her , neglected the babies and had affairs while DH deployed. Then he lived in denial. No wonder she had so much rage at me when we met. And I was totally ill equipped to handle the situation. I was not mature enough, experienced enough, patient enough or supported enough to deal w an emotionally disturbed teen, a newborn, an autistic child, an ADHD child and two others!
The younger ones I could handle, but her....I just was so out of my depth.
Its easier to pick apart a skids bad deeds than own our own human inadequencies and failures . But to admit our failings frees us to look inward and improve ourselves.
Wow, that's some horrible
Wow, that's some horrible stuff. I commend you! I hope that sd is doing ok now.
To me, it just seems like so many people blame these skids, who've been parented atrociously and are acting out and have severe self confidence issues and many other issues, and expect these kids to act normal and fix themselves.
The reality is that these "parents" made some really $hitty decisions and these kids are the ones paying for them. These "parents" are the ones that are/were borderline incestuous with their kids, did drugs, put them on a pedestal, let them get abused, let them call the shots, etc. So I don't get why people get so ticked off at these kids and don't place more blame on their parents.
To me, it's no wonder these kids act out and I'm saddened more people don't feel the same.
This came about mostly
This came about mostly because of Sheldon's latest post.
I think, however, that your
I think, however, that your scenario speaks to exactly what OP is saying though.
Because of one crappy parent (BM), your skid became a lying, manipulative teenager. When the other parent (your SO) stood up to it, held him accountable, and PARENTED him, the bad behavior stopped; at least in your home.
The situation that the OP is referring to is an 8yo child who is consistently put in situations where she is compared to "golden" step-siblings, set up to fail, and then teased/name-called by her own father. Neither one of her parents are worth a damn, and SM sits back and enjoys it .. because it makes her own kids look that much better. But when it's all said and done .. the skid takes the blame for never measuring up and acting out because of it.
Kudos to you and your DH for turning around your SS's bad behavior!
It's easier to make excuses
It's easier to make excuses and point the blame than it is to PARENT a child and make a difference. It's a shame.
I've always said that at least 90% of the issues I see on this site are rooted with the DH (or DW for stepdads).
Yeah, I read your comments
Yeah, I read your comments above and I think you and your DH have done the best you can in the situation. At least your skid realizes that behavior won't be tolerated in your home. That's more than a lot of people can say here!
My DH is a great dad, and he's certainly not afraid to parent his kids. My issues in the step situation almost exclusively relate to BM. It started out with a lack of backbone when it came to her .. she had DH convinced she would take him to the cleaners and he would never see his kids again. She bullied him into believing she could do whatever she wanted. When they first split, he was living 3,000 miles away from his closest family and working a night shift. He had a hard time really fighting for more. His crap attorney never bothered to set him straight or give him alternatives. Afterall, it was easier for her if he just settled ..
All of that has come a long way now .. but had DH been firm and more confident in the initial separation, we'd probably be dealing with a LOT less BS now. So yeah, BM is the problem, but the root of it all still sits with DH.
I ask myself that when I see
I ask myself that when I see people on this site get mad at their minor sks without saying much, if anything, about their parents' role in this. If these kids can be held accountable, why can't these "adults"/"parents" be held accountable?
I understand the feeling that
I understand the feeling that the way kids act reflect on the behaviors/actions of the parents. But I also understand that at some point in time, the children are old enough to understand right from wrong, and need to make their own choices about their behaviors. They will always have to deal with the repercussions if their chosen behaviors are in direct contradiction to a parent's ideas (i.e., PAS) but we all have to make hard decisions in life.
I think about the stories you read about people who grew up in the most deplorable of conditions -- abusive parents, parents who abandoned them, etc... and some of those kids became something DESPITE their environment. I know this is a very small percentage, but it still makes me hang onto the hope that someday, maybe when my SK's are adults (they're almost there chronologically) will realize, without being under the influence of their mom, that I'm really not as bad of a person as they and she have made me out to be.
However... on the flip side... if the kids are not held accountable for their behaviors, they will always hang onto the victim moniker and play it that they have every right to be assholes because of what happened to them (divorce, shitty parents, etc). If parents, or another adult, do not intervene the cycle will continue and behaviors may spiral out of control.