It you could choose, would you rather have skids fulltime and pay no child support OR would you rather have skids less frequently but pay full child support?
Ive been torn on this one for quite a while. When DH and I met, when SD had just turned 1, I would have much rather had her than paid CS.. But now that SD is almost 6, and shes lived/been raised by BM.. I think well pay the CS and be done with it!
I hear ya! the older my skids get the more content I would feel with paying CS and having BM deal with them. DH thinks that if we actually had to pay CS I would feel differently though.... right now we have skids all the friggin time.
of course DH would be the one to pay... but undoubtedly losing the much of his income would impact you too! (I assume... for me it would definitely impact me-- the house we could afford, the trips we could go on, our general budget, etc)
That's a tough one, but yeah, I agree my skids would probably be better off with us FT. (I wouldn't, but....). No way in Hell is any of my hard-earned money going to that bitch! It's not like she ever spends a penny on her kids. All her money goes to cigarettes, beer, her iPhone and MacBook, and HER hubby's CS. Meanwhile, he kids go to school in clothes that smell like cat pee.
My decision has nothing to do with $ or CS. I would want full custody of my Skid. That is the only way to have reasonable assurance that we could insulate him from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and counter their toothless moron vitriolic crap.
Fortunately this is exactly the situation we had when SS-20 was under the CO. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. My wife was always the CP.
We never lived nearer to SpermLand than 1200 miles so SpermClan visitation was managable. We did have a cycle of previsitation behavior degradation and post visitation detox to work through before and after each visitation but fortunately at most it was 3x per year. Under the CO visitation was a total of 7 weeks per year. 5Wks Summer, ~1Wk Winter, ~1Wk Spring break.
Because SS's primary influences were his mom and I and my family even at 20yo he is far more accomplished and successful than the entire history of hims SpermClan. I expect that trend to continue throughout his life.
I'd rather never lay eyes on any of them again and pay right through the ass for it. My DH and I already work two jobs most of the year to pay our succubus...er, BM, but I'd take a third in a heartbeat! }:)
No. I moonlight at a second job two nights a week to help make up for what the succubus takes (nearly $1600 a month in CS, plus lots of extras) from our household coffers.
My husband also moonlights as an adjunct instructor at a community college, and he tries to make sure none of my money ever reaches her, but we're married and we share everything and sometimes it happens, you know?
The BM we deal with has BPD as well. Unfortunately, her teen daughters have already been damaged by their mom's behavior. I would rather my husband pay BM to keep them than for us to try to "fix" what can't be fixed at this point. I think I would move out of my own house if Steps were to try to live with us.
At any rate, Ilovemypisces, any advice on dealing with the borderline BM?
Actually, if DW and I were to have it our way, we would have SS full time and Donkeykong pay NO child support at all. Donkeykong pays a paltry $150 a month. That barely covers the cost of SS's school lunches, and Donkeykong is so bitter over having his wages garnished. So really, we would be better off without forcing Donkeykong to pay.
If I had a do-over, I'd say NO Full Custody. I'd rather pay the high CS monthly than deal with a damaged skid, his older brother's threats & crazy BM/ court.
But that's not reality. The reality is, skid was in trouble. DH couldn't do it alone. Now that I've gone through all the first SP stages of denial & anger, I'm at the point that I really feel for this miserable skid. Enough to try to figure him out & one day soon, hopefully without BM's drama fest in tow. I'm still resentful of his very presence, I won't lie but I keep thinking what if it were my BD in his position with an evil SM? God that would kill me. Thank God my exH was smart enough to find a decent, caring woman to be his next wife. Think that's my kharma to pay back.
After 4 yrs of having ss16 full time and seeing the progress we've made with him, I cannot imagine how he'd be if he was full time with bm and came here eow. He'd be worse off then ss19 was when we got him at 17. BM is such a selfish evil worthless human I would not want ss16 tarnished by her ever again. She used to come home from work earlier the dh and lock the boys into their rooms and proceed to get drunk, when dh would arrive, the boys would be sitting in poopy diapers and hungry and crying. Bm would be passed out on the couch. Dh said it was not always like that but enough so that the boys were very hurt by it. DH couldn't do any more then he was doing by working full time, caring for the babies and then as the boys got older, coaching their football and baseball teams, etc, cooking, cleaning, etc. BM was and still is the laziest most evil b!tch alive.
For the first year I lived with dh we had ss16 full time and paid cs. It was nuts but dh finally got it straightened out in court. Also this might sound weird but when those grandkids start coming around, that's when I know I will love how much I have done for ss16. I love little kids and look forward to being ss's kids' grandma!!
If we had been able to have them more and the opportunity to be included in the molding their behavior I would have been all about full costudy.
But now that they are in their mid-teens and older, plus all the issues we are having with them (which has forced both of us to now disengage completely) I would say no. The healthiest decision would be to keep it as is now where we pay cs.
Its sad and not ideal, but no other choice at this point.
I would rather have the skids full time. SD7 will be going into 2nd grade this year .. 3rd school in 3 years. No reason a kid needs to bounce around that much if there's a more stable alternative. DH really screwed up with his attorney .. but hopefully things are back on track now. BM is too career-focused and selfish to REALLY sacrifice anything for her kids.
When SS was first born, I would have gladly paid to GET full custody with the most minimal visitation to BM possible--not because she isn't a competent mother but because she hates my and DH's guts (but more mine) and is most likely raising the kid in a way where he will hate me and do all sorts of crazy things to get DH's attention--DH is fully aware that this is the 99.9% possibility and knows the chance of combatting it are zero to nil. He reads StepTalk.
So now we gladly pay CS in the hopes that she will leave us alone (you know, having someone drive nails into your tire really starts to get old after the 4th time in a month, and so does having to protect us from her nosy ex boyfriend who went snooping into DH's apartment while on the phone with her... oh and the father's day card with a bullet and "hope you rot in hell" was really classy.)
We both pray that BM will have a long and healthy life so we don't get stuck with a kid who really hates us and tries to make us miserable, given what his mother is like.
We pay full CS now and the stepdevil14 stays at BM's full time. It hurts the finances some, but to not have the lying, stress, tension and sullen look on her face around my house - totally worth it!
I can see I'm not alone on this. I too am torn as are many. I used to say that I would happily continue to pay if we could get full time custody of SD. Her mom has ruined her. She has brainwashed her against us but then twists it around so much that even we get lost sometimes. Now that SD is older, I would say that I don't know. I still wish we could get SD to try to save her from becoming just like her mother like we see. Even BM told me just today that SD seems to behave better for us and she isn't sure what she is doing wrong with SD. Yes, I had to bite my tongue. So hard not to tell her what exactly she is doing wrong!
But then there are times that dealing with the BM crap is just too much and I would rather pay and never see SD again. I feel that it is coming to that point the older she gets anyway. BM wants it that way and has been working her for years to that point. Those days if I thought that there was no way for BM to increase the child support ever then I would be okay with being done with both of them.
Full custody. SD6 wouldn't be a bad kid if she had structure and routine and consistency in her life. She's a basketcase because her mom is untreated for her bipolar disorder. It's tough on the kid. When she's her for prolonged periods, she's so delightful. When she gets back from her mom's, she's all kinds of a hassle. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let BM ruin this kid. If she wants to play hardball and run the BM show, we'll stay in court until DH gets custody. I hope she pulls her head out and starts playing in SDs favor again.
My Husband pays $1700 per month in CS; if he became unable to pay it but could have full custody of his 2 kids (4 and 6), IF I HAD TO I'D WORK 3 JOBS TO MAKE SURE HIS SUPPORT GOT PAID AND THE KIDS STAYED WITH THEIR MOTHER!!!!!!!!!
There is nothing no greater than coming home to a PEACEFUL house after a 10 hour work day or being able to meet up with my Husband after work for dinner and drinks. $1700 per month just isn't enough to make me want to give up my kid-free time and my peaceful house.
Full custody. Its hard raising kids in separate homes. Several people notice and remark on how much better he does here with dh and I rather than at his bm. Its hard because we love so far away from him. He is a much more pleasant person when he is here with us. DH said it perfectly one day. He stated that he does not get the guidance and support he needs at bm. I dont care about cs. My brother has full custody of his son and still pays bm child support. weird court order mix up. And if that is what it would take to get him than that is what I would do. Everyone keeps saying dh would be paying for cs but what comes out of his pocket and paycheck comes out of our home. So not just dh is taking the hit, the whole household is.
If we could have had full custody from day 1, we may have been able to make a difference. Not the case--we currently have full custody of a 15 yr old who is beyond repair and has no desire to change. I'm praying he'll go back to visit BM this summer and refuse to return, or better yet, she enforces the custody order legally (she has primary). I'd GLADLY pay the CS and I'd be more than willing to re-enter the workforce to bring more money into our house if needed. SS15 is like a dementor from the Harry Potter series. I'd go back to CS all the way, without a doubt. No amount of money is worth this nonsense.
I would totally pay BM TWICE the amount of child support just to NOT have her kid in my house full-time. I would rather work my a$$ off and make the money to pay her with.
Custody...I never thought I'd ever say that, but we've been on both sides. The PAS was off the charts when BM had physical custody & CS was never spent on the kids. The mind games were crazy too. Now it's relatively quiet since she hasn't run the show in almost five years. Just wish she'd attempt to pay her measley $65/mth CS. When DH was one minute late with his 1K+/mth our phone would be ringing off the hook & a letter from DCSE was sure to arrive immediately.
Of course, I wish she would've kept the 18 yr old for the four years we had her since the damn kid didn't appreciate anything & had the worst mood swings ever. The 15 yr old would have turned out much worse if she had stayed.
I'm surprised by the amount of people who say PAY! When the kids were younger I would have done anything to retain custody, BM is so crazy and they seemed so fragile. But now as they're getting older... I don't know, the possibility of paying doesn't sound so bad. It's getting old seeing them every single day...
My heart really goes out to the stepmoms who have 50/50 AND pay CS. Holy hell I couldn't handle that.
Ive been torn on this one for
Ive been torn on this one for quite a while. When DH and I met, when SD had just turned 1, I would have much rather had her than paid CS.. But now that SD is almost 6, and shes lived/been raised by BM.. I think well pay the CS and be done with it!
I hear ya! the older my
I hear ya! the older my skids get the more content I would feel with paying CS and having BM deal with them. DH thinks that if we actually had to pay CS I would feel differently though.... right now we have skids all the friggin time.
of course DH would be the one
of course DH would be the one to pay... but undoubtedly losing the much of his income would impact you too! (I assume... for me it would definitely impact me-- the house we could afford, the trips we could go on, our general budget, etc)
full custody... wouldn't have
full custody... wouldn't have to worry about detoxing SS at every visit.
That's a tough one, but yeah,
That's a tough one, but yeah, I agree my skids would probably be better off with us FT. (I wouldn't, but....). No way in Hell is any of my hard-earned money going to that bitch! It's not like she ever spends a penny on her kids. All her money goes to cigarettes, beer, her iPhone and MacBook, and HER hubby's CS. Meanwhile, he kids go to school in clothes that smell like cat pee.
My decision has nothing to do
My decision has nothing to do with $ or CS. I would want full custody of my Skid. That is the only way to have reasonable assurance that we could insulate him from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and counter their toothless moron vitriolic crap.
Fortunately this is exactly the situation we had when SS-20 was under the CO. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. My wife was always the CP.
We never lived nearer to SpermLand than 1200 miles so SpermClan visitation was managable. We did have a cycle of previsitation behavior degradation and post visitation detox to work through before and after each visitation but fortunately at most it was 3x per year. Under the CO visitation was a total of 7 weeks per year. 5Wks Summer, ~1Wk Winter, ~1Wk Spring break.
Because SS's primary influences were his mom and I and my family even at 20yo he is far more accomplished and successful than the entire history of hims SpermClan. I expect that trend to continue throughout his life.
I'd rather never lay eyes on
I'd rather never lay eyes on any of them again and pay right through the ass for it. My DH and I already work two jobs most of the year to pay our succubus...er, BM, but I'd take a third in a heartbeat! }:)
YOU work two jobs in order to
YOU work two jobs in order to covet CS???
No. I moonlight at a second
No. I moonlight at a second job two nights a week to help make up for what the succubus takes (nearly $1600 a month in CS, plus lots of extras) from our household coffers.
My husband also moonlights as an adjunct instructor at a community college, and he tries to make sure none of my money ever reaches her, but we're married and we share everything and sometimes it happens, you know?
I had rather had the full
I had rather had the full custody. At least the kids would not be poison in the head by this Ill manior lying bitch
The BM we deal with has BPD
The BM we deal with has BPD as well. Unfortunately, her teen daughters have already been damaged by their mom's behavior. I would rather my husband pay BM to keep them than for us to try to "fix" what can't be fixed at this point. I think I would move out of my own house if Steps were to try to live with us.
At any rate, Ilovemypisces, any advice on dealing with the borderline BM?
Absolutely full custody!!!
Absolutely full custody!!! This way we can make sure SD is actually getting taken care of, rather than ignored.
Actually, if DW and I were to
Actually, if DW and I were to have it our way, we would have SS full time and Donkeykong pay NO child support at all. Donkeykong pays a paltry $150 a month. That barely covers the cost of SS's school lunches, and Donkeykong is so bitter over having his wages garnished. So really, we would be better off without forcing Donkeykong to pay.
If I had a do-over, I'd say
If I had a do-over, I'd say NO Full Custody. I'd rather pay the high CS monthly than deal with a damaged skid, his older brother's threats & crazy BM/ court.
But that's not reality. The reality is, skid was in trouble. DH couldn't do it alone. Now that I've gone through all the first SP stages of denial & anger, I'm at the point that I really feel for this miserable skid. Enough to try to figure him out & one day soon, hopefully without BM's drama fest in tow. I'm still resentful of his very presence, I won't lie but I keep thinking what if it were my BD in his position with an evil SM? God that would kill me. Thank God my exH was smart enough to find a decent, caring woman to be his next wife. Think that's my kharma to pay back.
After 4 yrs of having ss16
After 4 yrs of having ss16 full time and seeing the progress we've made with him, I cannot imagine how he'd be if he was full time with bm and came here eow. He'd be worse off then ss19 was when we got him at 17. BM is such a selfish evil worthless human I would not want ss16 tarnished by her ever again. She used to come home from work earlier the dh and lock the boys into their rooms and proceed to get drunk, when dh would arrive, the boys would be sitting in poopy diapers and hungry and crying. Bm would be passed out on the couch. Dh said it was not always like that but enough so that the boys were very hurt by it. DH couldn't do any more then he was doing by working full time, caring for the babies and then as the boys got older, coaching their football and baseball teams, etc, cooking, cleaning, etc. BM was and still is the laziest most evil b!tch alive.
For the first year I lived with dh we had ss16 full time and paid cs. It was nuts but dh finally got it straightened out in court. Also this might sound weird but when those grandkids start coming around, that's when I know I will love how much I have done for ss16. I love little kids and look forward to being ss's kids' grandma!!
Pay! Pay! Pay! And it would
Pay! Pay! Pay!
And it would be a whole lot less expensive than it is paying for his private school, food, birthday parties, field trips, clothing, etc, etc, etc.
It'd be great to be the fun parent for SS13 and let him go see just how great BM really is in real life.
I would pay CS out of my own
I would pay CS out of my own paycheck if it meant no more skid!!! }:) (DH would never go for that though- he has 50/50 and no CS).
PAY!!
PAY!!
If we had been able to have
If we had been able to have them more and the opportunity to be included in the molding their behavior I would have been all about full costudy.
But now that they are in their mid-teens and older, plus all the issues we are having with them (which has forced both of us to now disengage completely) I would say no. The healthiest decision would be to keep it as is now where we pay cs.
Its sad and not ideal, but no other choice at this point.
I would rather have the skids
I would rather have the skids full time. SD7 will be going into 2nd grade this year .. 3rd school in 3 years. No reason a kid needs to bounce around that much if there's a more stable alternative. DH really screwed up with his attorney .. but hopefully things are back on track now. BM is too career-focused and selfish to REALLY sacrifice anything for her kids.
Custody
Custody
I gladly pay DW's child
I gladly pay DW's child support so that SD18 can live with her perfect bio-daddy. Money well spent!!!!
When SS was first born, I
When SS was first born, I would have gladly paid to GET full custody with the most minimal visitation to BM possible--not because she isn't a competent mother but because she hates my and DH's guts (but more mine) and is most likely raising the kid in a way where he will hate me and do all sorts of crazy things to get DH's attention--DH is fully aware that this is the 99.9% possibility and knows the chance of combatting it are zero to nil. He reads StepTalk.
So now we gladly pay CS in the hopes that she will leave us alone (you know, having someone drive nails into your tire really starts to get old after the 4th time in a month, and so does having to protect us from her nosy ex boyfriend who went snooping into DH's apartment while on the phone with her... oh and the father's day card with a bullet and "hope you rot in hell" was really classy.)
We both pray that BM will have a long and healthy life so we don't get stuck with a kid who really hates us and tries to make us miserable, given what his mother is like.
Both would equally SUCK.
Both would equally SUCK.
Full custody. SO hates not
Full custody. SO hates not having SS2 around, and he'd love to keep SS2 from seeing BM's abusive boyfriend.
Pay, Pay, Pay!!! At this
Pay, Pay, Pay!!! At this point I would be divorced if SD lived with us full-time.
We pay full CS now and the
We pay full CS now and the stepdevil14 stays at BM's full time. It hurts the finances some, but to not have the lying, stress, tension and sullen look on her face around my house - totally worth it!
I can see I'm not alone on
I can see I'm not alone on this. I too am torn as are many. I used to say that I would happily continue to pay if we could get full time custody of SD. Her mom has ruined her. She has brainwashed her against us but then twists it around so much that even we get lost sometimes. Now that SD is older, I would say that I don't know. I still wish we could get SD to try to save her from becoming just like her mother like we see. Even BM told me just today that SD seems to behave better for us and she isn't sure what she is doing wrong with SD. Yes, I had to bite my tongue. So hard not to tell her what exactly she is doing wrong!
But then there are times that dealing with the BM crap is just too much and I would rather pay and never see SD again. I feel that it is coming to that point the older she gets anyway. BM wants it that way and has been working her for years to that point. Those days if I thought that there was no way for BM to increase the child support ever then I would be okay with being done with both of them.
Full custody. SD6 wouldn't be
Full custody. SD6 wouldn't be a bad kid if she had structure and routine and consistency in her life. She's a basketcase because her mom is untreated for her bipolar disorder. It's tough on the kid. When she's her for prolonged periods, she's so delightful. When she gets back from her mom's, she's all kinds of a hassle. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let BM ruin this kid. If she wants to play hardball and run the BM show, we'll stay in court until DH gets custody. I hope she pulls her head out and starts playing in SDs favor again.
My Husband pays $1700 per
My Husband pays $1700 per month in CS; if he became unable to pay it but could have full custody of his 2 kids (4 and 6), IF I HAD TO I'D WORK 3 JOBS TO MAKE SURE HIS SUPPORT GOT PAID AND THE KIDS STAYED WITH THEIR MOTHER!!!!!!!!!
There is nothing no greater than coming home to a PEACEFUL house after a 10 hour work day or being able to meet up with my Husband after work for dinner and drinks. $1700 per month just isn't enough to make me want to give up my kid-free time and my peaceful house.
Pay!
Pay!
Pay!
Pay!
Full custody. Its hard
Full custody. Its hard raising kids in separate homes. Several people notice and remark on how much better he does here with dh and I rather than at his bm. Its hard because we love so far away from him. He is a much more pleasant person when he is here with us. DH said it perfectly one day. He stated that he does not get the guidance and support he needs at bm. I dont care about cs. My brother has full custody of his son and still pays bm child support. weird court order mix up. And if that is what it would take to get him than that is what I would do. Everyone keeps saying dh would be paying for cs but what comes out of his pocket and paycheck comes out of our home. So not just dh is taking the hit, the whole household is.
If we could have had full
If we could have had full custody from day 1, we may have been able to make a difference. Not the case--we currently have full custody of a 15 yr old who is beyond repair and has no desire to change. I'm praying he'll go back to visit BM this summer and refuse to return, or better yet, she enforces the custody order legally (she has primary). I'd GLADLY pay the CS and I'd be more than willing to re-enter the workforce to bring more money into our house if needed. SS15 is like a dementor from the Harry Potter series. I'd go back to CS all the way, without a doubt. No amount of money is worth this nonsense.
I would totally pay BM TWICE
I would totally pay BM TWICE the amount of child support just to NOT have her kid in my house full-time. I would rather work my a$$ off and make the money to pay her with.
Custody...I never thought I'd
Custody...I never thought I'd ever say that, but we've been on both sides. The PAS was off the charts when BM had physical custody & CS was never spent on the kids. The mind games were crazy too. Now it's relatively quiet since she hasn't run the show in almost five years. Just wish she'd attempt to pay her measley $65/mth CS. When DH was one minute late with his 1K+/mth our phone would be ringing off the hook & a letter from DCSE was sure to arrive immediately.
Of course, I wish she would've kept the 18 yr old for the four years we had her since the damn kid didn't appreciate anything & had the worst mood swings ever. The 15 yr old would have turned out much worse if she had stayed.
I would rather my BF PAY ANY
I would rather my BF PAY ANY DAY OF THE WEEK AND TWICE ON SUNDAY AND NEVER HAVE TO SEE THAT BRAT AGAIN....EVER!!! }:)
Ahhh...that felt good to say!
I'm surprised by the amount
I'm surprised by the amount of people who say PAY! When the kids were younger I would have done anything to retain custody, BM is so crazy and they seemed so fragile. But now as they're getting older... I don't know, the possibility of paying doesn't sound so bad. It's getting old seeing them every single day...
My heart really goes out to the stepmoms who have 50/50 AND pay CS. Holy hell I couldn't handle that.
If the Skids are good and
If the Skids are good and well-behaved, I'd rather have the kids. If they are difficult, I'd rather pay.