DH just chose SD over me
First of all I just want to say sorry for so many posts, I had a really rough weekend with DH/SD and needed to vent. DH and I have been arguing back and forth pretty much all day about the way things are when SD is here (which is 50% of the time). Basically I feel that he pays me no attention and from the time she gets here until the time she leaves it's all about her and screw everyone else. I don't feel like I even have a husband when she is here. It's more like they are the couple and I am the other woman or something.
I've talked to him about this more times than I can count and we have been to counseling but nothing has changed. My DH doesn't even think there is a problem so of course he is not going to change anything. I tell him how I am unhappy and he acknowledges that he knows it's hard for me having SD here so much but that is it. He does nothing to change things and today he flat out told me he is not going to compromise on his kid. Then he kept asking me "so I have to find somewhere else to stay tonight?" and I kept telling him "I didn't say that.. you're saying that."
To be honest, I can't take SD being here for full weeks at a time anymore. It's too stressful and it's actually causing me health issues due to major anxiety and depression.
I realize the problem isn't SD.. she's only 5. The problem is DH, 100%. He doesn't parent SD at all. He's a guilty dad and he places his kid over his marriage.
So I guess he is going to stay somewhere else tonight 
I'm sorry to hear that. How
I'm sorry to hear that. How long have you and DH been married?
You do realize it's only going to get worse if he stays the guilty dad and chooses SD over you right?
Are you willing to remain in a marriage taking a backseat to a little girl for the next 14 years?
We have been married 1 year,
We have been married 1 year, together 4 years. I don't think I should have to take the backseat to a child and that's what I have been trying to explain to him. He just doesn't get it.
Has it always been this way?
Has it always been this way? All 4 years?
Well the first 2 years we
Well the first 2 years we didn't live together so I didn't really see it as much as I do now. But the past 2 years, yes. It has always been this way and I am a fool for marrying him before (if ever) things changed. I guess I thought somehow when I was his "wife" things would be different. I was raised that marriage comes first. So I guess I had in my head that once we were married, I would be more important? Stupid, I know.
Well, yeah, you had lofty
Well, yeah, you had lofty aspirations that things would change once you were married and I'm sorry that you had to find out the hard way that it doesn't work that way.
Have you guys considered counseling?
We tried counseling but he
We tried counseling but he only went twice. I guess I could try it again. He doesn't think there is a problem though so I am not sure anything is going to help
Right, that is true. It's
Right, that is true. It's definitely not a permanent solution. This is so hard
Wow. Just. Wow. I am SO SORRY
Wow. Just. Wow. I am SO SORRY you're faced with this! I cannot even imagine.
It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to let it fail. Why, I wonder, does he see this as a YOU or DD choice? Why isn't the choice for BOTH and how to better make that work? What's the guilt all about? Short of there being an abuse situation, yes, I'm a momma bear and can understand the "blood is thicker than water" mentality to a certain degree, BUT he and you BOTH knew he had this child when you married, so why isn't the relationship, commitment, and all energy being put forth for all THREE of you...HIM leading the way because he's the connector between his two ladies...daughter and wife. Hmmmm.
I'm sorry I've raised more questions than answers here. I can certainly understand your confusion, hurt, and disappointment at his lack of trying.
Thank you. I have no idea why
Thank you. I have no idea why he sees it as him and SD .. and then me. I seriously feel like she is the wife in the house. He puts her on a pedestal and it truly is sickening. I don’t know if this is normal in stepfamilies but I know in intact families this is not the way things normally go. My parents were married and I don’t remember ever feeling like the world revolved around me! This guilty parenting crap is creating a bunch of entitled brat kids! As far as the guilt, I don’t really know where it comes from.. DH and BM were never married and SD was an “oopsie”.. so it’s not like she went through a divorce or something traumatic. She’s only 5 and DH and I have been together since she was 1 so her only memory I’m sure if of DH and I together, not of DH and BM.
Sorry honey, I have no
Sorry honey, I have no advice, just wanted to offer you some support and hugs.
Thank you so much! I
Thank you so much! I appreciate that.
Guilty parenting is the worst
Guilty parenting is the worst kind in my opinion. Whether it be the mother or the father. My DH chooses all 3 of my SKs over me. And believe me, we have had the same discussions as you have. As a matter of fact, my DH moved out on Friday because he said none of his kids, NOR HIM, like my 12 year old daughter. He said he doesn't think she is respectful to him or his kids, even though his kids will go a whole weekend at our house and never say one word to me. It's hard. If your DH isn't willing to change, then honey, I'm afraid it's only going to get worse the older your SD gets. You have some tough decisions to make. And in my opinion and experience, when a person starts in with the "so you want me to leave questions", they have already checked out emotionally.
Sending love and prayers your way.
Thank you. I completely agree
Thank you. I completely agree with you, guilty parenting is the worst. Wow I am sorry your DH did that to you. They never see any wrongs done by their kids. That is something I have noticed. Whenever I say something about SD’s behavior, DH will automatically defend her even when she is obviously in the wrong and I am simply correcting her. I don’t think that would happen (at least not nearly as often) in an intact family. How old are your skids?
*Just an update, DH did not stay the night at his mother’s. In a way, I was kind of hoping that he would because then he would get to see what it is like without me. But he came home with SD, followed SD up the stairs and didn’t say a word to me as he normally does when she is around. Do you see why I don’t like her around? I tried to explain to DH that it’s a natural instinct that when a person is coming in between you and your husband, you don’t want that person around. YES I know this is DH’s fault and not hers, but still- the problems surround her being there.
I had a really interesting
I had a really interesting conversation with SO about guilty parenting this weekend. Normally, he denies guilty parenting and it can be hard to get my point across in any way at all because a wall comes up and he gets all defensive and aggressive. But this time he brought the subject up by saying that he was really disgusted to see how much SD11 was becoming like her mother because she had been talking to him like sh*t and just generally being very spoilt.
I pointed out that, although she has a good heart, the one thing she shared with BM is her sense of entitlement. It is WAY out of control in both of them (and SS6). When I admitted that my OWN sense of entitlement (not even a big problem, just at a normal level, I would say) is one of the most damaging characteristics in my life, he took the discussion in a different way. I told him that when I drive my car around, I sometimes feel like everyone should just get out of the way so that I get get to work faster. Now that's pretty normal but it's not healthy. Because that kind of thinking is always going to leave me feeling dissatisfied in life. When do I feel grateful if I always feel that I deserve everything? Now, I exaggerated my own sense of entitlement for the benefit of the conversation with SO but it did get him to see that I was at least identifying with SD and not just casting criticism her way and he did seem to listen more. He even allowed me to say that BM and SD have a sense of entitlement that is 100 times greater than mine. He knows I am prone to feeling down and that my own sense of entitlement makes me "high maintenance". So, I asked him to imagine the kind of adult SD was going to be with my personality multiplied by 100…and that scared him! LOL. I asked him to imagine what kind of wife she might make someone one day. He didn't say a lot but within a few hours he was acting differently towards both skids. It probably won't last but I just thought it was a mini breakthrough and wanted to share it with you guys.
x
Awesome! I'm glad you were
Awesome! I'm glad you were able to instill some sense in him! I don't understand these men with their guilty parenting. It's like they don't realize what they are doing to their kids. My SD is only 5 and is already incredibly spoiled and entitled and it's like he doesn't even notice.