Running out of time...HELP!
Pleeease, some advice! I'm still not married, though I've been engaged to my fiancee for over a year now. Were together for almost 3 years now and I have 3 stepkids SS 15, SD 10 and SD 5. He got divorced about 6 months before we met, and their mother figured that they've divorced over me, and that we were much longer in a relationship when they were still married. She didn't mention that she was an unfit mother and wife. A psychiatrist confirmed that she shoul be on some kind of meds...bipolar or something...He always made more money, has a good job, so she lived like a queen, and he bought everything they wanted. She has a babysitter (who takes care of them from 8-17h, and does their meals and laundry, etc).
At first when they divorced, she almost forbid him to see them, because she thought he'd still come back when she blackmailed him with kids he adores and always took care of them when he lived with them. She talked her kids about me that I am a " bitch, slut...looking for money, want to catch their daddy with another baby that he will love more than he loves them..." classical jelosy, because i'm 15 years younger than he is, I'm good looking, I have a masters degree in economy, solid job, million friends, and a place of my own. So you figure that the last thing I need of him is his money, I love him so much, that we plan a wedding. She even invented stories about my ex partners, that I was with older men....etc.
I had great problems with my mum and dad (she is a doctor and he an engineer)because they felt sorry for me and think I deserve better life since I'm 27, so they argued a lot because of me, and I cried so much about it. The things were ok for a while, my parents got used to this, since my fiancee is a great man and responsible parent. I started to notice I hate his children come around (every other weekends, every tuesday and friday), because they're spoiled brats (except the oldest SS 15), and I didn't want to act as their parent since they had both of them. But the first time their dad was not around, the SS and older SD had a fight, and I kindly asked them to calm a little, until their daddy arrives, and a SS15 later told his dad that I started to get on his nerves. That was when I knew that good relationship between me nad stepkins is going to last untill we lived together.I was always nice, and went out when they came, gave them some time together, though, he mainly took them to his grandparents at weekends they were with us. That created a situation where his kids came to OUR place, and felt like they're more hosts than I am, who sleeps over there every night.
Now, she wants him to have full custody, cuz she doesn't want them anymore and they're better of with dad who's authority (now the're better off with a whore, slut....yap), so my reality is that they'll live with us. I know that things are ok now because I don't ask them to to anything, and I'm out of home when they come, but that it'd be different. They're spoiled, they don't knock, leave mess, they're noisy, fight, lazy, demand full time attention, can't play bu themselves, girls always hug with daddy ( I feel so excluded) and he says that I should understand because the're kids. I'm soooo terrified of this marriage to come, afraid to have a child of my own and that I would ruin it's childhood, and my life as well, but I love him so much, and he tries so hard, but he's so used to kids making mess, that he doesn't pay attention and doesn't mind. We only fight when they're around, and I'm afraid that it would destroy US. And how to say to my parents that they'll live with us??? I feel like I'd destroy their marriage over mine...Help!!!
Your feelings are completely
Your feelings are completely normal and understandable. Not having kids of your own and then having another's kids move in full time and thinking of marriage and your own babies in due time - it all makes for a big pot of emotional stew. If I were you, I'd wait to marry until things settle btw your SO and his xw. See how things pan out with the custody issue, (hopefully he doesn't fight for full, maybe 50/50) and also think about a bigger home (?) and make sure you communicate with him about house rules, schooling, transportation, etc. Don't let it all (if any) fall on you. Just last week we moved into another school district and so we have to run the boys to school every day and pick them up. It's a half hour drive. We worked it out with my job that I can drive the boys in and DH pickes them up, so it's even and we are working together. Ss16 will get his license this summer and he gets the old beater car b/c he wants to graduate with his friends at the out of district school he's gone to all his life. My bs15 is going into grade 10 and doesn't mind going to the local high school b/c several of his elementary school buddies go there. But the key is is that DH and I talked this all through and came up with a plan. So far it's working, there might be bumps along the way like today ss16 wants to go to church, but luckily DH is feeling good today so he can run ss in and pick him up. DH has cancer so there will be days he cannot do the driving but ss16 also understands there might be days he cannot go to an extra curricular. So make sure you have complete open communication with your SO before launching into any major decisions like marriage and full time kids. Best of luck
At this time, it's almost
At this time, it's almost certain that he will get full custody, and I can't hope that things would work out differently. We'we considered a bigger place, since he would not pay child support anymore, and he'll get extra money from xw. And another problem, is that during this new custody trial, they went through social service, and they suggested that the kinds should transfer to DH as soon as possible, and avoid suffering the transitional period, and they also suggested that for the first period of time would be better if DH takes them alone, without me (even when they know that he has a serious relationship with me and that we live together), because it's already stressful to the kids that their mum doesn't want them, and that the'd adapt better i "familiar" surroundings. I understand that social services look the best interest for the kids and that they don't care for other "casualties" but still... I know that it's very stressful to him to, because, basically he's forced to chose between kids and me, and he can't turn down kids... And I want to be supportive and it's hard to be strong for him when even I don't know how it's going to turn up in the end. If he moves in with the kids, when the time comes for me to move in, the'd see me as a guest moving in in "their" home, and I'm afraid I'd feel that way too... We talk all the time, and I think that he's not seeing the whole picture of how how our life's gonna look like. Thanks for the support, I feel like no one else understands me, and I can't turn off my mind, because it hangs over my head all the time...
Social services is only as
Social services is only as good as the biases of the social workers. Did that come from a report or from him? If you want this man, you have to piss in the corners and don't leave when the kids come over. With him getting full custody, you have to ask yourself can you deal with a lifetime of the whole package?
The report has still not been
The report has still not been finalized, though they already stated what's report gonna say. They said that they don't care for the benefit and quality of the parents lives, but only for the childrens sake. I asked my DH to talk to them and say the seriousness of our relationship and offered to come there myself and explain the situation (at least to get to know me), but they already asked him about his partner, they were only interested in my name, nothing else, and said that there was no need for me to come, since that was a custody trial, and I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. At the moment, they're in the middle of a property process as well, and they had one big apartment, where BM and 3 skids have been living since the devorce. (We pay the rent) The apartment is still in his name, because he earned a lot more money, but he was ready to give it all to the kids. But the BM was explicit about wanting the entire apartment to herself, if she had the kids. Since he wouldn't sign the apartment exclusively on her name, she initiated the custody process, because the money was the only reason she had to put up with the kids she has a terrible relationship with. Now, she doesn't want the kids, but doesn't want to move out of the flat, because "she has nowere to go" (AND US AND THE KIDS DO???")and said that she is not evicting the kids, and that DH can still come and live in that apartment with them, since they will be in his custody.
Anyway, the report from social services will be that she moves out and he moves in with the kids (I wouldn't move in in their flat for numerous reasons...the kids look at it as their own, and as if I evicted mom...then the neighbours...etc.), and he can't sell it because she don't want (says that they can't get as much money as it worths, because half of the amount is "to small" for her to buy a new one, and want him to "buy off his part" at enormously high price!!! And the property process itself can last up to three years or more... It seems I'm stuck. If they go away in that flat, I'd never go into that, and I think even worse would be for them to move out and pay the rent, and she had the apartment for herself only until it finishes... I think she's bipolar and only wants the option for him and the kids to be miserable and punished because DH left "THEM!!!" (not her, them!!!), and that they all have to suffer the consequences. Of course, she'd love to see me squezed out of the picture.
Am I wrong to say this: I told him that he shouldn't accept the custody unless she moves out or pays him off the half amount (which she'll never do). She'll also not accept the kids (she said to them that she can't wait to see their back), and hopefully they can sell the damn thing and split the cash so we could buy something of our own with my money I have. If she stays alone in the flat, she'll make the process last as long as she can, and make us pay the rent and support three skids. He's afraid to say that he doesn't want the kids, because she already gave them up, and I said that the kids won't go to the foster home if he got a bit tougher on her demands. He'll get them anyway...