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Becoming a stepmom

Mrs Putman's picture

Submitted by Mrs Putman on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 11:45am

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Teenage Stepchildren

:O I am 24 and I am getting married in August to the love of my life who is 42. Big age diff I know, but love conquers all...

He has a 19 year old daughter and a 17 yr old son, I have hit it off with the son since day one 3 yrs ago and he loves tagging along with us all the time now to do things... The daughter however has gotten into lots of trouble at our house and we don't have her over anymore because it always leads to a biiiiig disaster... She's always had these probs with everyone and she chooses to stay hanging around her friends and doesn't come around the family...

My main concern is when we get married, these kids are tech my step kids, but will it ever be an okay thing to consider them my kids? I have never been the kind of person who tries to be a parental role as they have their mother but I am a good friend with my step son.

If I go somewhere and have to introduce my stepson, is it ok to say this is my stepson, or should it always just be "I'd like you to meet my husbands son" to keep it less awkward for him because I am going from being a friend to stepmom... The only thing I wouldn't like abt introducing him as "my husbands son" it makes me feel a little distant from him as a family member.

The kids have not ever lived with us, however the son does come over often and we are very involved with him... I just feel like this is an awkward convo between me and my honey because he just doesn't know the answer... I'm hoping I will be able to get lots of advice on how to proceed with my situation as I want to maintain my good friendship with his son

Gitana's picture

Submitted by Gitana on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 11:55am

I would just say "this is (his name)" there is no need or give him a label. If someone asks the relation then say my husbands son. You guys are pretty close in age. I don't ever want to use the term skid , I will always say these are my husbands other children etc.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 12:07pm

If you have a good relationship with the boy then I would casually ask him how he'd like to be introduced by you. There is no one answer for it.

As for the question on "will it ever be an okay thing to consider them my kids?" the answer is ... probably not. Even if there wasn't the general craziness, drama, and apparent evilness of a stepparent considering her stepchildren "hers" there's the less than 10 years age difference. See what the boy says, he may have a preference or he may not care in the slightest.

RedWingsFan's picture

Submitted by RedWingsFan on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 3:45pm

THIS^^

Davielass's picture

Submitted by Davielass on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 3:58pm

I wish you a great deal of luck! One of my very good friends married an older man with children similar to your /their ages. The son was fine with the marriage mostly because he was a teenage boy who could see why his dad would marry her. The daugher, two years younger than my friend, was mortified to think her Dad was marrying someone who could be her friend and was her age. My friend and the daugher now are very close but it did take time for their relationship and many heart to hearts. My friend refers to her husbands children as, "this is my husband's son, John and his daugher, Mary" which is respectful.

I agree with CheriWilson's comment above. Make sure you are educated or have a good career path and are capable of taking care of yourself - but that advice goes with anyone who is getting married!

Mrs Putman's picture

Submitted by Mrs Putman on Sun, 03/24/2013 - 12:30am

I really appreciated your response. His son told me the other day he is happy we are getting married because he loves how happy his dad is, which is why he likes to come around more. I don't like a lot of the things people had to say, but I put my question out there for opinions so I should expect to hear it all. I think I may have began this topic in the wrong way. I know that when you get married you are tech the step mom, but considering the age difference, I would NEVER EVER try to be a mom to them... I think I just hope I know how to do the right things for them that keeps our friendships alive, so far so good 3 years later.
I think I am more comfortable saying this is my husbands son/daughter anyway, after much thought about these responses they don't have to have a specific relation to me for us to all be family.. I was looking too far into it, but what do you expect.. I'm new at this and it was just thoughts that have crossed my mind so I felt like reaching out to see if anyone else has gone through this before. We plan for a child in our future which both of his kids are okay with, actually they are pretty excited... I guess for the situation I am in, It isn't going as bad as it could... I will continue to do the same things as always and we will continue our family as usual which we are all happy, despite drama that is in each and everyone's family.
I appreciate the thoughts stating I need to make sure I have a good career path and can take care of myself... I've never lived life any other way, I am fully capable of taking care of myself if it ever came down to aging to do that.
I think I let the negative words get to me earlier but I just think how blessed I am that his son is excited we are getting married and he thinks I've made his dad a better person which has allowed them to repair their relationship and we do things together as a family. His daughter does call me when she needs to talk over things and we have had heart to hearts that have brought us closer than before and she has a better understanding of situations now. I realize it will always be something I will have to work harder at, to keep her friendship to keep things going smooth.. But I love my fiancé so much that it is totally worth it. He is very supportive but when I had these questions he just wasn't sure the right answer but he said that the most important thing is to keep good friendships no matter what your title is... We are family and I think that's the only name we should have... Family.

Thank you for your responses

Mindygirl1's picture

Submitted by Mindygirl1 on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 3:42pm

OMG...I think you have found where all the rainbows are....His kids say they are happy you are marrying now. Once you have a child...you will see what real jealousy truly is. Please do yourself a favor and spend some time going through this forum....You are not unique in your journey. You need to learn about what you are getting into before you marry this man. I dated a man that was 26 years older than me for almost 10 years. I knew enough to realize that while he was a great boyfriend - that age span was way too mush difference when it cam to marriage. I fear nothing said here will detract you from marrying this man...but by golly know what you are getting into.

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Sat, 03/23/2013 - 4:42pm

"Love conquers all."

I'm so sorry to tell you this, but it DOES NOT conquer. That's a fairytale fantasy.
And I'm happily married. Imagine what someone who's miserable would say. Wink

These aren't your kids. Simply say "this is my husband's son." Don't you ever wonder why a man who could be a grandfather is with a kid his kids' age?

ToughMommyOf2plus4's picture

Submitted by ToughMommyOf2plus4 on Wed, 04/03/2013 - 11:18pm

Hi there I came across your story and all I could say was finally someone I can relate to. My husband is now 45 and I am 24 years old like you I have older SK ... They are 20,19,16,and 13 in addition to them we have a two year old a 6 month old. I would love to stay in touch Smile ... As for the older kids I always introduce them as my husbands kid, it's less always for you them and the ones that you are introducing them to. The sixteen and 13year olds I always call my stepchildren because I realize IM not their mother ... Hope that helps Smile

Liar Killer's picture

Submitted by Liar Killer on Wed, 04/03/2013 - 11:46pm

Dirol Yep yep

comfortablynumb's picture

Submitted by comfortablynumb on Fri, 04/05/2013 - 8:48pm

My husband is older and has older children. I usually refer to them as his children. He also has grandchildren now, so that's even more awkward.

smokeyquartz's picture

Submitted by smokeyquartz on Fri, 04/05/2013 - 9:29pm

Similar situation too. My FDH has three kids aged 15, 10 and 8. I am getting married to him at the end of this year and I will be 26 and him 38 (almost 39 but I'm sticking to 38! lol). When we fist got together the youngest was 6 and said one day that I looked after her like a mum, thought about it and then so I guess you a going to be my step mum! Our relationship has grown so I am sure I will be very comfortable introducing her as my SD. The oldest has a different BM and doesn't live close. We see her 3 - 4 times during the year. I have found it harder to have a relationship with her and I find the age different a bit intimidating/awkward I guess but she is great and really cool about me being with her dad. However I would introduce her as my FDH daughter if the need arose to define the relationship. There are no wrong or rigth answers in this. Find what makes you and the kids comfortable. Nothing wrong with saying they are his kids cause its true! Doesn't mean you don't want a relationship with them Smile

Mindygirl1's picture

Submitted by Mindygirl1 on Mon, 04/08/2013 - 3:37pm

They are NOT your kids and you should not refer to them as that. Besides you will never look old enough to look like their mom anyway. They are your stepkids and once you marry you will begin to understand really and truly what that means. Love does not conquer all things. That is a pretty blissful outlook. Love is hard. Marrying a man with teenage kids if not only hard but on most days will be damn right impossible. Go into this marriage with EYES WIDE OPEN... Things are going to get hard. ALl of us here know exactly what that means.