Hello all, I'm new. My first thread is a long one but I joined this website for the same reason all of you did. I'm 26 years old and I'm in a new relationship (almost 8 months he's 27) and I already see it falling apart due to how my BF is raising his three year old from his previous marriage. I have no children of my own and his daughter and I get along very well so that's not the issue. My issues have to do directly with his parenting practices. He's already talking about moving in together and marrying me and he wants me to be her stepmother but the way things are now, there's no way I'm going to go any further in this relationship. I'd like to tell my feelings to people who are in similar and more permanent situations than me to help ground my expectations or to say that I should cut my losses. I love him and I don't dislike her so that's my last resort but the issues I'm going to present to you are deal breakers for me if they don't change. Maybe I'm being unreasonable? That's why I'm here.

Here are the issues I'm having.

Issue One: His child rearing philosophy is: "She's going to hear no so many times in her life, why say it now at her age?" She's three and he does not seem to realize that it is BECAUSE in the real world she's not going to get everything she wants, and he needs to prepare her for that. She is a sponge right now and he doesn't give her credit for being intelligent. She is very intelligent and she already knows how to manipulate him and those around her to get what she wants. I don't think he should say no to everything but it's your job as a parent to gauge when it's appropriate and make sure your children are equipped to be functioning members of society. Not spoiled jerks with the expectation that everyone needs to cater to their every wish. She's already exhibits spoiled child behaviors and he doesn't like it but seems oblivious to the fact that it is HIS fault. I don't know how things are at her mom's house but I get the distinct feeling that her mother does not share this philosophy. Not that it matters because she's rarely with her mother, which brings me to issue two.

Issue Two: My boyfriend is self-employed. Bravo right? Wrong. He has his daughter 99% of the time because her mother elects to have her every other weekend when she feels like it. When I met my boyfriend she hadn't seen her child in over a month. I quickly learned that he wasn't keeping her from seeing her, she's just a fair weather parent. His daughter is not currently enrolled in daycare or preschool so as a result, he does not have a lot of time to put into his business which means he's not making money. If a client does call (he owns a carpet cleaning business) he has to scramble around to find someone to look after his daughter because he can't rely on her mother to be there. He's even asked me and I'm quite frankly not ready to do that. The previous and following issues should help paint a picture of why I'm not comfortable being left alone to look after her. Since his business isn't booming he rarely has funds for everyday things like car maintenance let alone courtship. Getting a 9-5 is also not an option because although he agrees that she should be in pre-school now, he feels that her going full-time while he works would be detrimental to her psyche.

Issue Three: She does not sleep in her own bed, her own room and he does not leave the room until she's asleep and since her bedtime is so late, which you'll find out in issue four, her going to bed just means he's going to retire as well. So as a result, he doesn't have any free time for himself or for our relationship. We live 40 miles apart and generally I drive down every Friday in rush hour traffic to be with him over the weekend. The same bedtime behavior happens when I'm there so all day is baby time (he falls asleep with her when it's nap time) and so is all night. I'm not allowed to stay in the room when it's time to sleep so I spend this time entertaining myself and most of the time he falls asleep with her. I ask myself, why am I here? Much to his dismay, I've stopped coming on the weekends that he has her. Which means our time is cut even more since he has her most of the time.

Issue Four: His three year old's bed time is supposed to be 9:30. I don't know why he feels she needs to be up that late but that's beside my point. She is rarely in bed before 10. Perfect example, last night my bf's parents (he lives with them and one of his older sisters) needed to go pick up his uncle from the airport. They left at around 10 or 10:30. His daughter asked if she can go with them and he said yes. The problem with that is, both the northbound and southbound side of the freeway they need to take closes at 10pm every night for construction. So they didn't get back until 12am. He doesn't see why it's a problem. I however, do not underestimate the intelligence of a three year old and I know she requested to go with the grandparents because she did not want to go to bed. She may not know how to tell time but she definitely knows when bed time is imminent. He unknowing gave into her manipulation. My suspicion was validated when they arrived home and the first question she asks him when she walks into the house is, "Is it close to night night time?". He says yes and she immediately starts to cry. He feels that she behaves this way because she's three. I feel that is partly the reason but mostly because of bedtime habits. I live with my parents and one of my sisters and my two nieces (One almost 7 the other just turned 5) neither one of them has EVER had an issue when it came to bedtime. One of my good friends has 3 children, all under the age of three and when she says it's bed time, they follow her up the stairs in a happy line like adorable goslings. I'm basically saying it's not her age, it's because in reality NO kids WANTS to go to bed but if you make it fun they won't care as much. As of now, he pulls her aside and says, "Tatum, I have something to tell you". If someone does that you know it's bad news right? So her bedtime tantrums are mostly his fault and less to do with her age. The bed time issue is a also problem because I don't see why a three year old needs to be awake past 8pm. It also affects our relationship. I work during the day so we generally can't communicate across the day (except text and my 30min break) until after I get off of work. We talk and text but he likes to call me every night before bed. But he can't call me until she's asleep. He barely started having her sleep in her own bed a few weeks ago and he can't leave the room because she freaks out. So he can't call me at night until after 11 and I have to get up for work in the morning at 5:45 and he's generally too tired to talk for very long anyway.

Issue Five: He promises her rewards without having her earn them or without taking other people's feelings into account. An example you ask? I'm happy to oblige. One word: Disneyland. He and I both have annual passes and he loves taking her there. Sometimes he'll promise her that he'll take her and not take my feelings into account. Meaning, After working 8 hours and sitting in about an hour and a half of traffic. I'm tired. I get to his house and find out he has promised that they'll go to Disneyland. Since she doesn't hate me, she promptly runs up to me and asks me if I'll go with them. I don't live there, what am I supposed to do, stay home with his parents and sister while they tear it up at Disneyland? If I don't feel like going he then has to break his promise to her. Leaving me feeling like a jerk. Also, he'll promise her we'll go a day before we go and if she misbehaves all day prior and the morning of, he has serious trouble telling her that we're not going anymore because she's being bad. He's done it a total of one time in the 8 months we've been together. Generally, she misbehaves and he puts her on time out and then takes her anyway OR, get this, takes her to the park and throws in some ice cream to make up for the fact that he said they're not going to Disneyland.

That's pretty much it. I know it's only been 8 months but 8 months shortly turns into years. Since he's already talking about merging lives and households these things weigh heavy on my mind because I'm not going to live like this. Thank you in advance to anyone who read this and your opinions are greatly appreciated.