Custody Schedule Alternatives
Currently during school years, CO states DH gets the skids on his days off. This rotates on a 4 week schedule. For 2 weeks he has Saturday/Sunday off. For the next 2 weeks he has off Sunday/Monday.
We view custody days as overnights, in accordance with the state's definition. So for 2 weeks DH is responsible for getting the girls to school on Monday morning. The following 2 weeks he has to get them to and from school on Monday, and to school on Tuesday.
This was fine when BM lived 20 minutes away. She has now taken orders back to our state (she was temporarily in TX) and is planning to live 45 MILES away .. on the OTHER side of DC (we live near Baltimore).
For anyone familiar with this area, that's EASILY an hour plus drive each way.
We're not really sure what to do. DH can drive it .. but it's a long time in the car for the skids. BM won't agree to just giving him Saturday/Sunday every week (understandably so) .. but he doesn't want to give up his time overall.
He's law enforcement, so mid-week visitation doesn't really work at that distance either. He doesn't get off work in time to make that drive. A 50/50 week on/week off schedule is completely out of the question as well.
Just wondering how others have dealt with this.
Every other weekend? That's
Every other weekend? That's pretty basic, isn't it? Or, in this case... maybe 2 weekends in a row and two weekends with BM, since that matches his schedule?
If he goes to every other
If he goes to every other weekend, he'd be giving up 2 weekends a month. He currently gets 2 days every week.
Such is divorced life. You
Such is divorced life. You can't work an unpredictable/swing schedule, live a considerable distance from you kids... and still expect the schedule to be the same way it was before the divorce.
Maybe he could quit his job and see them every day. Or, you could sell your house and move next door to BM.
I'm not trying to be rude. My point is, a lot of dads on these boards seem to think you can have some win-win situation in stepfamilies. Many of them end up divorced a second time, or driving 200+ miles a week, shuffling kids around like playing cards... just to keep things "even". I don't understand it.
^^ Yup! My DH is the same way
In your situation, it sounds like your DH may have to cut back on a little time with skid because of his work schedule. However, if he's anything like mine, he will be too damn stubborn to do that! My DH would rather drive an hour every day to take skid to BM's school distcirt than to let BM keep her during the school weeks smh.
I get your point, but it is
I get your point, but it is BM who creates these situations.
SHE moved. SHE chose to move back to a location over an hour away. It was HER choices that has SD6 in 3 different schools in 3 years. So if the issue is keeping a stable environment for the kids, then BM should be primary custodial parent and BM can deal with the distance she created.
We're looking for a realistic alternative schedule arrangement to keep their custody time as close to what it is as possible. We've come up with some solutions to the problem that don't eliminate or drastically reduce the kids' time with their father.
I feel your frustration! My
I feel your frustration! My SD's BM is the one who keeps moving around too. They think they can do what they want and the world revolves around them.
Maybe Mom should become NCP
Maybe Mom should become NCP and give Dad custody then. Since she is the one that created the distance, conflict, and refuses to mediate or compromise.
Being divorced doesn't mean you should give up rights to see your kids or reduce your position as the kids' father. That is ridiculous.
Exactly my thoughts as well.
Exactly my thoughts as well.
Me too! If it's going to
Me too! If it's going to happen that way, it won't be for a while. Our best chance at making it happen is for BM to be deployed, or restationed out of state again. Both are unlikely in the next couple of years
So in the meantime, we're stuck reacting and dealing with her decisions and trying to keep the relationship between DH and the skids strong.
They'll be changing schools
They'll be changing schools when they move here from Texas. They'll be early withdrawn from school in TX this spring and enrolled in MD for the fall.
an hour if your lucky! We
an hour if your lucky! We live near Baltimore too.
That is a tough spot to be in. Maybe BM doesn't need to know his exact schedule and keep the easier one?
Exactly! Asking BM for ANY
Exactly!
Asking BM for ANY favors is out of the question. DH and I will have to figure this one out on our own. The second he mentions the burden this distance causes on him, BM will jump on every opportunity to stand her ground and not give an inch.
If BM thinks DH is off every Saturday and Sunday, that would create a much more workable schedule for him. But then BM gets NO weekend time at all with the skids .. and as much as I don't care about HER, is that really fair to the skids?
Besides, it's only a matter of time until BM challenges that anyway .. she wouldn't give up every weekend without an argument.
They are 5 (going into
They are 5 (going into Kindergarten) and soon to be 7 (going into 2nd grade).
Well...he may have to return
Well...he may have to return the girl on Monday morning no matter his schedule. Make that drive once on Mondays for school....and he will forfeit his Monday night time. Would she maybe agree to his time beginning on Friday after school instead of Saturday every other week to make up for him not taking them after school on Monday?
Is she still in the area outlined in the custody arrangement?
We're hoping to get this
We're hoping to get this schedule:
DH would get skids Friday, Saturday, Sunday for 2 weekends, then BM for 1. This 3 week rotation, (with exceptions for holiday weekends and other school breaks) gives DH and BM both plenty of weekend time and keeps the total days per parent the same as it is now over the course of a year.
We haven't proposed it to BM yet. She will argue that the 2 Saturdays a month that DH works aren't really time spent with him. He works nights those days and goes into work at 7pm. He WILL be with the skids most of the day; their bedtime is 8pm at our house on weekends.
He's okay driving them to school Monday mornings.
If he usually got two says a
If he usually got two says a week then why would that change now? I would push for the every weekend. If she wanted to keeps things nice then she should have played nice from the get go. Who cares if she "won't budge"? It is not her decision to make.
I know she will flat-out
I know she will flat-out refuse to give him every weekend. I don't really blame her. Realistically, what parents wants to do all the work (school, homework, morning routines, evening routines, dinners, etc) and never have any weekend time to hang out with the kids? And I'm sure the skids would like some down time with their mom too.
I'd like to draw a hard line and be spiteful about it .. but it's really not what's best for the skids, and if it were to go to court, I don't think we'd win anyway.
The solution we've come up with is this:
DH would get skids Friday, Saturday, Sunday for 2 weekends, then BM for 1. This 3 week rotation, (with exceptions for holiday weekends and other school breaks) gives DH and BM both plenty of weekend time and keeps the total days per parent the same as it is now over the course of a year.
Now .. we just have to get BM to agree ...
I would request your DH be
I would request your DH be the CP all summer with her being the NCP. It's only fair, and it is not all that uncommon.
He is the CP all summer ..
He is the CP all summer .. beginning one week after school lets out and ending one week before it resumes in the fall. BM gets EOW during the summer months assuming she's living within 60 miles.
Her new house will be about 50 miles.
Her counteroffer was to give
Her counteroffer was to give DH every Friday and Saturday instead of his alternating schedule proposal. So much for her wanting weekend time ..
Ugh that has to be
Ugh that has to be frustrating! We have the issue with distance, but BM FIGHTS to keep the skids every day that she can .. she knows that her child support depends on it.
She has it in her head that since her and DH have joint custody, she is only required to "let him" have the kids 128 days a year. That's the state minimum for joint custody (35% of the year) .. despite the fact that he's NEVER agreed to a number of days .. just a custody schedule. She can't grasp the fact that the custody agreement they signed actually gives DH about 47% of the year.
She will be in for a very rude awakening when he has child support revisited this summer ..