I've always encouraged my spouse to spend time with her parents when they were alive and now to spend time with my step-kids while she is still alive. Am I the subject of some discussions? Probably not as often as I think but frankly I don't give a damn what they're saying about me.

I wouldn't care if DH and SD21 went to dinner or whatever without me, but considering they have absolutely nothing in common, it doesn't happen. They can barely carry on a telephone conversation, as SD is not very interesting.

She really has nothing against me and even if she did, she would know better than to purposely exclude me. She might resent me a little, thinking she could better manipulate her dad if I wasn't around, but I have been in the picture since she was 5, so....

If she visits, I'd just as soon not be there so I don't have to watch her kids slobber all over everything.

I prefer that DH see SS27 without me. Sometimes after lunch he will stop by with him to say hello and then DH takes him home. They could skip that visit, but I have not forbidden it. I don't encourage it either.

I think it's fine for parents and adult children to spend reasonable time alone together, but not if it's purposely meant to exclude the stepparent.

I typically spend time with both my parents, but do do some shopping and such with just my mom occassionally.

As far as dh spending time with ss? I've already told him I dont care. The ONLY thing that bothers me about it is that it delivers to ss just what he wants. A relationship with dh on his terms. He doesnt like me and he doesnt like my kids although we've been together for 12 years. So luncheon dates, movies, special one on one time-is just right up ss's alley. In fact I dont believe he wants a real relationship with dh, but rather wants someone who will spoil him, take him out, buy him things, and be always positive, and do so in a one on one atmoshpere. IF dh were to engage in this sort of thing it would only continue to perpetuate the mess that is ss-rather than challenging him to be a better person.

That being said-fi the choices are dh spending time along with ss or ss coming to the house to hang with all of us-I'd definitely chose them spending some quality one on one time together! Lesser of two evils.

I personally feel it is ok. But if the SK is $hitty to the SP, and/or trashes the SP to the bio parent, then I feel it isn't.

^^^ I agree with this or if the SP does not want to be excluded.

My sister (who has been a SM for about 40 years) and I have had this same conversation and this is what she said and I agree on.

I think the SP should never be excluded. In other words the SC should not have the choice to exclude the SP.

I feel like it should be the SP's choice whether she/he wants to be included in the activity.

I have told my DH this. If I want to go I will go along if I don't want to go fine but SS should not have the choice on whether or not I am included.

I have that choice not him.

Don't give them the "power" to make that choice.

BTW, I do some things alone with my kids but they do not bad mouth DH and are very respectful to him.

I feel like people should quit acting like jealous little school girls. There is NEVER, even if the sk doesn't like the sp, ANYTHING WRONG with a parent and child (no matter their age) spending alone time together. If there weren't such thing as steps, this would not be a problem. People need to get over their insecure jealousy whether it be the sk toward the sp or, and especially, the sp toward the sk. This subject does come up way too often. It shouldn't come up at all because it is ridiculously childish and people who are this childish are definitely not mature enough for a relationship. Good grief!

I get along pretty well with my stepkids. Have had moments with all of them and so far have negotiated the shark waters ok. I was invited, then uninvited, for one event right after we got married. DH, who is usually King Disney Dad, would not have it. I do give him credit for insisting on common politeness. I went to the event to which I had been uninvited just so SS wouldn't have power over us as a couple. Everyone acted nice the whole time. That's all I can ask for.

Now no one is ever specifically excluded. Sometimes DH or I will see our bios on our own due to the nature of the event, timing, travel schedules, etc., and I'm all for that.

I agree with others here - to sum it up, it's all about the "tone" and "timing".

As long as the skids are not demanding purposeful exclusion of the spouse, I think it's fine for the parent to spend alone time with them.

In our case, I insisted my SO spend alone time with his kids, even though he wants me to go. I told him how important it was to continue his parental relationship with them while they were still minors, and not having me around would make it easier for them to talk about stuff they might not address with me there (like any problems with BM, or how their maternal grandparents were doing, etc.) Really not my business to hear all that (nor did I want to) and made me uncomfortable to be there.

Now they are grown, it's up to them to determine what kind of relationship they have and how often they see each other. I do still encourage SO to spend alone time with them, so in a way that prevents me from being excluded to begin with.

To be honest, a little bit of the skids goes a long way for me. They are so completely different than me in upbringing, personalities, values, etc. that I have very little in common with them.

On the other hand, if my SO started spending every single weekend doing things alone with them, I would have to speak up if it cut into couple time. But they rarely initiate calls or visits with him - he always has to contact them and "invite" them to do something. I guess that's actually a good situation as they are not making demands of him.

The flip side to that is I know it bothers him that they make no effort. Sometimes he lets it go a couple of weeks without a text, call, etc. because I think he wants to see if they will reach out to him. They never do.

I never had a problem with DH spending 'alone' time with SD. I would have objected if her spent special holidays, birthdays and anniversaries with her but he never did that either. SD never said, "Come and leave Sandye home." When we first got married I encouraged DH to have time with SD, call her, show her he loved her, etc. but it seemed like DH was emotionally distant from her. One time I told him, "You need to hug her more." He just didn't make the time or the effort. In the end, I think I got the blame for his failure to connect.

It really is no big deal to have 'alone' time with a relative. It has more to do with the intent of the 'alone' time. Problems arise when Step parents are purposely excluded to satisfy the desire of an adult child to gain control over the marriage of her Father and his wife. The once a month get-together between you and your Father is fine. But there have been other posters on this site who have been overly-saturated by the constant communication and interaction with Skids while SM is left at home, almost treated as an afterthought. Too much of a good or bad thing is still too much.

I encourage my DH to spend time with SD's alone. I also have his encouragement to spend alone time with my SD's, which I do and enjoy. The same is true with my bio kids. There used to be some jealousy from my SD's with DH spending time with my kids but that is long ago.

I am a SD. I spend a lot of time with my mom and dad together and apart (the man I call my dad is my stepdad). I am actually closer to my dad than my mom on a lot of levels. My parents always tried to make some special time for each of us every month growing up. It was nice.

Nothing wrong with one on one time regardless of whether it is the step or bio or whatever. People should grow up, love is love.

I know this is an older post, but I have just started reading this forum and wanted to comment on this.

I'm not sure what OP's situation is with her step kids, but I'm in a situation where I do not get along with my stepmother at all. She is very controlling of my Dad and rude to my brother and to me. I have no desire to be around her and she has made it clear that she hates the 2 of us, although I feel we have really done nothing to provoke this, except refuse to deal with her rudeness. I would like to have a relationship with my Dad, but I want nothing further to do with her. She is a toxic person and after almost 20 years, I've had enough.

I don't care to talk about her when I'm around my Dad. I'd prefer to never speak her name again, but she refuses to allow my Dad to spend time with me without being there. I live very far away from them, so I only would be in town 1 week out of the year, at most. I am having a hard time seeing why step-parents on this forum have no problem saying that other step-parents have every right, and should, disengage, but it's inappropriate for step-kids to do the same thing with the step-parent is the toxic entity.

StepAside...I do blame my Dad too. But I know that he catches hell anytime he does spend time with us. He even has gone to the extent that he sends cash in the mail for birthday and christmas gifts because he doesn't want her to know he is doing it. I blame him for that too because he needs to grow a pair and stand up to her. But I know she doesn't make it easy and he has to live with her. He actually did come to see me last time I was in town, but I'm not sure if she knows he did, or if she thinks he went to work that day.

Do I hate her too? Hell, yes. She has treated me like crap from the very beginning of their relationship. She assaulted me by pulling my hair when I was 15. However, I have made an effort to get along with her, but she makes it impossible. I have come to the point where I don't want to be around her anymore, because I do hate her. She's a crazy sociopath and I see no reason, other than her desire for control, why she would want to be around me either.

I have come to the point where I'd be sad, but okay with not having a relationship with my Dad anymore because I'm tired of the tension, but he does pursue a relationship with me. The problem is, when we are in a position to actually spend real time together, he won't stand up to his wife and tell her that he's going without her. See, I do blame him. I just know that she is the dominate force in their relationship, and I know he really does have hell to pay if he goes against her wishes.

I just don't understand how it's perfectly acceptable, as a stepparent, to demand that hubby doesn't see his kids, or to say, don't bring them to my house...if you want to see them, you see them without me, but it's not okay for kids to set the same conditions. I think it should be acceptable for any person to cut anybody else from their lives, if that person causes problems and is hateful and unkind. I don't think it's okay if the stepparent is perfectly lovely and kind and tries to get along. But that is NOT the case here. She is controlling and selfish and sends hateful emails and calls the phone company to block me and my brother from being able to call my Dad, against his wishes. Why put myself in the situation of being around her??? I'd truly rather not see my Dad then to be around her. But I tell him that and he just keeps trying to smooth it all over and pretend as if it should all be water under the bridge. It just doesn't work that way. I would say the same if it were a stepkid doing things like that. You can't treat somebody like crap for 20 years and then expect them to just sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't exist. And there's NO WAY I would ever have my kids around that psycho.

I also get what you are saying about in-laws and not wanting to be left out of my husbands family, etc. BUT I would NEVER, EVER treat my in-laws the way I have been treated by her. You just can't treat people that way and expect them to accept you. That's ridiculous.

FYI...I'm a grown woman, I don't ask my "Daddy" to buy me anything or send me money. I'm perfectly capable of paying for my own car, home, etc. I' have worked since I was 13. So, please don't put me in the category of the spoiled, entitled brat who only wants money from my Dad, because that could not be further from the facts here.

I just think some people need to learn that Respect goes both ways. Nobody is entitled to it, and nobody deserves it without first giving it.

Merry...I get what you are saying, and you are correct, he did give her that power. I just don't understand why a woman would want to spend time with somebody she does not like unless it is solely about control. He does choose to see me, but he does it by lying about it to her, which I don't agree with. I just think it's silly that everybody thinks its just fine for a Stepparent to refuse to be around a Stepkid, but that feeling doesn't go both ways. I think if a Stepparent is mean and abusive, it should be fine for an adult stepkid to make a choice not to have that in her life and to still have a relationship with the bioparent who is married to that person.

"Inaction is a huge player among many of these men."...Amen to that! I could not agree more.

I also agree about refusing to take the money. I actually have told him not to do that anymore and he has stopped. I also told him that he needed to tell her about it last time I saw him, however, there is no way for me to know if he told her or not. He said he did, but I don't trust anything he says, because you are right, he does play both sides and tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear.

As far as SM resenting me when I was young...she didn't enter the picture (as dad's girlfriend) until a month or 2 before she pulled my hair at age 15, so I really don't think that is the issue, although it could have been my Dad fueling the flames. I just think a reasonable person would not have done such a thing.

I just know, as a married woman, if my husband wanted to spend time with a family member every once in a while without me, I would be a-okay with that. Especially if it was a person I did not care to spent my time with.

I also agree that it is easier to accept things as they are, rather than what we want them to be. I'm all for that being the outcome. I'd rather just move on and let it be what it is, but I also feel some guilt about cutting my Dad out of my life while he tries to pursue a relationship with me. He is having trouble accepting things as they are as well as the terms I have laid down to protect myself from the crazy that goes along with being in the same room with SM. This is a situation THEY created, and I don't feel obligated to continue to live with it, although I do feel obligated and have a desire to still have a relationship with my Dad. I have made huge efforts in the past to put the past behind me and to move on with her with a clean slate. I have made an effort to ignore the little remarks and her efforts to pick an argument. I refused, however to give into her on a request I thought was totally unreasonable (long story), and for that, I received a nasty email from her and she blocked me from being able to call my Dad to discuss it. That was the end of my rope and I have drawn the line since then...so, it is what it is... and we remain in limbo...

I don't really mind. If DH can handle SS for an entire evening, more power to him.