Really?..........Let me clear my throat, REALLY?????????
Where would I even start?
Situation:
Adult stepdaughter(Supposedly recovering addict, history of lying/manipulation, convicted felon)
Examples of recent issues:
Continued attempts(accomplished)of spending time with Dad w/o me, when she actually comes around me, the conversations quickly revert to endless," Daddy, remember when..." which is an effort I see just to upset me. She hates me, I know. I don't care, but I do. I cringe when Husband mentions her name. They text for hours at a time. Her mother, without going into specific instances, is an unhappy psycho who wants my husband back, and terrible role model, who dabbles in pot smoking herself. Really? Great parenting, lady.
Anyhow, daughter still lives at home with mother, the enabler, and ignores her father to the point where he makes "house calls" to check on her. I know every little girl wants her parents to be together and happy. I wasn't the best of stepkids to my own stepmother. I know her games, what she plays, what she is trying to accomplish, and frankly I am so tired of it. She refuses to accept me, or acknowledge my marriage with her father. At one point, during a holiday, she showed up drunk, and she did actually tell me she hated me, but realized that she thought I was good for her daddy, so she is okay with me now....AS IF I NEEDED HER APPROVAL, AND MY MARRIAGE TO HER FATHER WAS HER BUSINESS TO DISCUSS WITH ME TO BEGIN WITH?
I am truly at a loss, frustrated, and sick of her and her mother's BS. I am not jealous of her, but I have began to despise her due to dealing with the fallouts she creates and hurt she causes her dad. It seems the more I try to encourage their relationship, the more she takes, and runs with it, but not in a good/healthy way. If I disengage, it would complicate my marriage. If I continue to try with her, although worthless efforts, I will continue to be an unhappy target.
First, DH should spend time
First, DH should spend time with SD. You don't need to be there, and it doesn't sound like you want to be there. Win-win.
Second, ignore the "remember when" comments. For two reasons...they piss you off, and who cares. Maybe SD really is reminiscing. I know my kids and I make comments about "back then" and my DH makes comments about "his previous life." It's a part of who we are, history, and it doesn't have to mean anything.
Third, this "girl" sounds troubled. Sounds like she's facing addiction problems and is an emotional mess. Her behavior won't change. You'll have to change...and try to let it stop upsetting you.
I agree that DH needs to
I agree that DH needs to spend time alone with my SD. I help foster that bond. I also understand that he has a "broken family", but they are still a family. I have a problem with it being a constant effort to pull him back, and push me out. Everything is secretive, to say the least.
I don't need constant "alone time" with my father to have a good relationship with him. I have been an adult for a long time. I am lucky. My stepmother married my father when I only 4, and boy did divide/conquer seem to be a part of who I was until I grew up. I can't apologize to her enough for the nasty things I did, but am grateful now that she is forgiving, and has asked for mine as well for some of the things she did. After all, she had a ready made family at 19, and no clue how to deal with it, but today, we have a better relationship than my own BM and I. I met my SD in her adulthood. She hated me for helping my husband to stop being an enabler. One day, she may thank me, or continue to hate me. She is a very bright, passionate, loving, funny, gal. I am just old for games, and it affects me, and yes, unfortunately really upsets me. Trying not to care just doesn't work, when I actually do.
My SD is very troubled. I wish I could help her, but she hates me, so there is nothing I can do for her until she decides to make the change. Thank you so much for your comment. I am just at a loss. I would love to have a relationship with her as well, in spite of her. But, I can't just keep accepting boundary violations either.
Wow, disengage totally! That
Wow, disengage totally! That is far from okay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE that "daddy, remember
I HATE that "daddy, remember when" shit. My grown-a$$ stepson still does this. Hey dad, remember when we lived in Eugene? Hey dad, remember Bear? Bear was their damned dog like 100 years ago and I frankly don't give 2 $hits about Bear!
Disengaging is best. Trust me.
Hippiegirl,I hate it too,
Hippiegirl,I hate it too, it's amazing how they do the same manipulative things. The BM is living in the past in my situation. She has SD doing the same things. Always daddy remember when I was a baby and ......MY DH can't remember n e thing. He is a man and they tend for the most part, not to be sentimental. So that doesn't work, so SD brings pictures to show him. Pictures of BM. I made sure the little picture book conveniently disappeared during that visit and it was tucked back n her bag when it was time to go. She never brought it back.
Some people don't understand
Some people don't understand why there are some of us step mothers who prefer that the kids don't spend time with their father without us (the wife) there too. There are several reasons in my case why I don't allow that, one being that several times when they used to spend time alone with their dad and talk to him when I wasn't around, they would later come to me trying to upset me and cause problems and tell me that their mom was using their time "alone" with their dad to talk to him and that they were talking about how he was going to leave me and they were going to get back together or how he was going to come visit them without me and their mom was going to be there and spend the night too... blah blah blah, pretty much all delusional wishing on their part but I won't lie and say it didn't upset me. While I don't believe he would say that kind of stuff to their mom, I do worry that he might talk to her behind my back when he is alone with them. Mostly because I know the kind of games they will play, their mom will call step daughters phone and talk for a minute or two and they say "Oh I have something I need to talk to your dad about can you put him on the phone." My husband would definitely take the phone and speak with her because he is always afraid of upsetting his kids and they would be mad if he turned down speaking with their precious mommy. Then he would feel like he needed to hide the fact that they talked from me, even if the talk was innocent, because he knows that it would upset me (It would upset me because she has pulled the same crap as the kids, she used to tell me that he talked dirty to her, talked bad about me to her, talked about leaving me, etc... so no more talking alone to avoid all that drama). Anyway, in order to avoid all of that happening he doesn't spend time with the kids without me there. The second reason for that being that DH and I have an agreement, he does not send them money at all. If they ask and it is an emergency situation he will discuss it with me before we send it. However, were they to spend time with him and speak to him alone they would weasel the money out of him and he would try to hide the fact that he gave them money and lie to me about it. It has happened before sadly. And as you can probably imagine that created a lot of tension and arguments between DH and I... exactly what the steps strive for. A lot of people think that it is selfish to not want the father to spend time alone with their kids but there a lot of situations where that is the only way to avoid a lot of problems. Of course it causes a few too since they do the same thing with the walks down memory lane merely as an attempt to hurt me. I can tell because it is never, remember when I was little and you and I did this, no their fond memories always always always include their bio mom and the things they all did together "as a family". Not cool, especially if DH plays into it because he is oblivious to how things make other people feel sometimes.
Your DH is an idiot, no
Your DH is an idiot, no offense.
UGH! All I can say is UGH!
UGH! All I can say is UGH! SO sorry.
"I do not understand how they
"I do not understand how they can continue to fool themselves into thinking it is their choice or that their opinions matter on the subject. DH and I are MARRIED. We never needed her approval, permission, signature, presence, nothing. Shouldn't be that hard for her to figure out!"
Yes yes I love this! ^^^^^^^^ SD acts like I put a gun to DH's head and forced him to get married. I think she wants me to kiss her ass to get her to come around! Not happening! If she's waiting for (us) or me to invite her to dinner, she's got a mighty long wait ahead of her. I run this household! SD's too dumb to realize the best way to get closer to DH is to have a decent relationship w/me. If she had her choice, she'd still be living with us . . .at 30.
DH screwed her head up so bad she needs counseling. I'm just waiting for her to figure it out since she knows everything.
^^^ I would just love for you
^^^ I would just love for you to be able to do that! maybe there's another way to do something similar that would work the same way...?
I want my parents to be
I want my parents to be happy. This means they can't be together. Maybe little girls want mommy and daddy together but big girls just want their parents to be happy. DH ex wife had the audacity to call me and advise me that their little princess who is almost 30 wants her daddy and mommy to be together. I just laughed to myself; they have been divorced for over 20 years. Princess can keep dreaming. I guess this why she pulls her little "I need help and emotional support" routines so she can manipulate daddy and mommy and they can come rushing to her side in order to hold her rotten little hands and show her how much they love her; daddy on one side and mommy on the other. One time she even called a meeting with mommy and daddy because she wanted to know why they divorced. Get over it you little selfish brat. Time for you to grow up.