Do I go away with them for the weekend which we have never done together?
I have recently decided NOT to participate in any visits with my boyfriend's visits with his 9 yr old daughter or include her in my family's events. This has proved too hurtful in the past.
The temper tantrums because I'm around, she ignores my kids and me, everything has to go her way or she will demand all attention someway, somehow and he will back her every time. She will kick at me and when asked to stop accuses me of making it up, kick my car seat, be rude, etc (which I'm convinced that this is not new to SM's)but it causes a lot of tension with my bf and me because as this is his only child, he can see no fault and her wish is his command leaving me as a third wheel, no say in any events, I cannot correct her disgusting and bad behaviours, and he must sit with walk with and have her on his lap the entire time that I am around.
While he is with me and my 3 older kids, we are a couple first, and the kids respect us as that. When she is added to the mix, he turns into someone I don't know and we fight, alot.
My stress and sanity have endured more than anyone can at this point. This is not a new relationship and feeling as if we heading to the end, I draw his attention to the point that we do not spend any time together now. He has filled it all with his BD's time. He still believes it's not as much as I say.....typical, I am wrong and picking out faults.
He now has invited me to a weekend BB tournament with him and her, he "wants to work on the relationship", thinking this will be good and wanting to test it "so he can try to see how things go when I'm around". I know what my head and heart are telling me, and boy o boy I've tried for years to make it work through dinners, outings, events, family time, etc but I know how it will turn out as it always does and him not seeing my side if things go wrong-to be out of town with them at a tournament, ugh.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a positive person, and I see the best in people and in order for me to stay that way I needed a break, but I'm afraid that if I say no this he will end our relationship.
Please help?
If, as you say, he has
If, as you say, he has negelected to see the way she treats you in the past, I have little faith that his eyes have been magically opened up and he will see it now. I think if you go you are setting yourself up for more hurt. You put the boundaries in place for a reason. Now stick to them. It's on him to tell his daughter to respect you. You shouldn't be used as a "human" target so he can gage her behavior towards you. I call bullshit on that. And if saying no ends your relationship, then quite frankly he wasn't putting your relationship (you two) first and he never was going to.
Thank you for your comments,
Thank you for your comments, you are right, once I reread what I posted I would give myself the same advice.
My happiness comes before anyone else's no matter the circumstances. I do love him, and I know he loves me, we just need to find a way to make it work without all the drama. If not, then you're right, why would I want to be with a man who allows a kid to be in charge of my destiny.
Oh my, you and I are leading
Oh my, you and I are leading parallel lives....
I understand exactly how you feel. My SO has made some improvements over the last year, but I just don't know. We tried the whole, me staying away for visitation, and it worked fine for them. But I decided I wanted more out of a relationship, and some sort of future and put a stop to it. If his kid can't be around me, and SO at least make him show respect and manners, then I'm gone.
You have got to set boundaries for yourself. And if the kid kicks the seat, look at SO and say, she is kicking my seat. And your ok with that and just going to let her do it? Or, hey, you kid is sitting right there picking her nose. That's disgusting. And SO is either going to step up, or not.
Another biggie was the constant intrerupting. Everytime the kid would interrupt, I would stop talking, and just look at SS. Once he finished, (it was always something stupid) and look at SO and be like, ok, that was so important he had to interrupt us?
I noticed, once I drew immediate attn to the inappropriate behavior, SO started to really pick up in just how annoying his kid was in my presence. A year later, he has finally came to the conclusion, that SS is jealous of me. Wow, genius, ya think?
It has taken a while, and we have a long road ahead. But its a start. And if you do thongs these, and SO doesn't back you up, and doesn't start taking the lead, it may very well be time for you to move.
I too am in exactly the same
I too am in exactly the same position with my sd (15). We have tried the zero contact approach, where I litereally never see her, but she lives with dp full time, so that means that if I avoid her, then I avoid him too.
I agree that this tactic did take the wind out of her sails for a bit, because it just removed her audience... However, after several months of "letting her adjust" and zero improvement, I am ready to push him into taking responsibility for her behaviour. A friend suggested to me the same thing you are doing, notagain. BAsically everytime she does something that I don't agree with, I turn it around and make it his problem.
My dp needs to learn that his daughter's behaviour is his problem, not hers. He let her get away with being a spoilt, entitled brat for years before he even met me. This is nothing to do with me at all. It#s interesting somebody else mentioned a poisonous bm, as we have one of those too!!! Which does not help at all.
So basically, the tactic I am now using is when sd does something, I turn it around to dp. He does NOT like it at all. For example, sd recently got her exam grades back for maths and she got an F. I said to dp " You must be so proud of sd that she started and finished high school at the same level of maths" in a really sarcasticc voice. He was mortified. She does not behave at school, which he leaves to the school to fix... Wtf is going on with that. He should be in there sorting it out with them.
another example, sd started calling me the "fat cow girlfriend"... So when he told me he had to go the shops because sd had eaten all the chocolate bars I just raised my eyebrows and said "And I'm the one who's supposed to be the fat one???"
She split the seam in her school trousers and she told dp that he should ask me to sew them back up. He mentioned the conversation to me, having already told her that I would not want to do a favour to somebody who won't even be in the same house as her, and I just laughed, and said "Interesting that she split her trousers, but I'm the fat one supposedly"
I realise that this is very childish, but god it makes me feel better and it also makes him feel ashamed. And so he bloody well should. She is the product of his disney dad parenting so it is down to him to fix it.
Wrt your trip... i don't know what I would do, but I would be tempted not to go and to invent my own trip that same weekend and spend a nice time with my own kids and leave him to the brat alone because I will bet that once he is stuck with her in a hotel room or where ever, 24/7, with no creature comforts, the reality of her will soon sink in!!
Oh, I can't stand when
Oh, I can't stand when 'they're make plans and then invite me at the last minute, or when SS is blabbering about it. When that crap happens now, I say no thanks. And I say, seems I was an afterthought on this one, since I wasn't included in making the plan, maybe ill catch ya next weekend. Then I go do something else. And have been know to suddenly have plans the next weekend to,
Sooooo sick of it, and not catering to it.
If you go, I'd take my own
If you go, I'd take my own car. At the first sign of SD's "usual" behavior, I'd leave.
Have you tried therapy?
I like notagain2012 's suggestion of "You have got to set boundaries for yourself. And if the kid kicks the seat, look at SO and say, she is kicking my seat. And your ok with that and just going to let her do it? Or, hey, you kid is sitting right there picking her nose. That's disgusting. And SO is either going to step up, or not" I've started doing that with DH and SD and it's amazing how quickly is works....but it only works if the 3 of you are together.
Thank you everyone, I don't
Thank you everyone, I don't know if you realize, but this forum is truly helpful and I thank you for your comments.
I did not go on the weekend trip, and that brought a lot of anxiety on, besides - I wasn't leaving my teen son home alone. However, my bf said he understood and they went away. He texted me the entire time, asking what I was doing, etc. Obviously insecure - but I'm really glad I did not go.
We've since talked about it again, and he feels that I should make an effort to do things with his daughter and him. I won't - been there, done that and bought the t-shirt nothing changes.
To answer AnaR - yes, he's talked to her about how the love for a daughter and the woman he loves is different and that she needs to change her behaviour, bla bla bla - ultimately, she's any only child who has no consequences or rules. Very different from my house so it's best not to even be part of it. As most of you have learned unfortunately.
Agree with NoDoormat - he will not see his daughter's faults - which is very loving yet I wish him well as she gets older as well lol. She's becoming very unruly at home with Mom now.
notagain2012- I did try that as my bf had asked me to do, but then he said I was too negative about his daughter all the time. He wants us to try again, and i see your point - I don't get to see him much now either. A major decision is brewing this year.
I'm very honest with him and pull no punches. I do love him, and I see him struggling not wanting to constantly discipline the entire time he has her, but as you all agree - putting me in that mix to be a punching bag is just not the answer.
Truthfully, he's getting used to not having me around he's so busy with work and her that he didn't even realize that he's pushed me out even more. I've pulled right back, working on healing right now and building my strength, it looks like I will be alone by the end of 2013.
"he feels that I should make
"he feels that I should make an effort to do things with his daughter and him"
HA! How about HE make an effort to make his daughter behave??
You are right amber3902 we
You are right amber3902 we both feel as if each other could do more, but at this time, I am working on healing myself and my kids are too. He and I have our time together when his daughter is not around. It's not much, but it works for now.