DH is listening to you all
I have only been on here for a small amount of time and already it has made a huge difference. MY DH made me think the issues we face with our Sd are my issues and made me feel like this for years.
He has read the responses to my previous posts and the penny dropped!!!! He has admitted that he has been parenting through guilt and not setting boundaries and excepting what is unhealthy, needy, attention seeking behaviour from his SD which has been exhausting and damaging to the family structure.
It has also made us both realise that we were focussing on her crazy mother. And although yes she is a total mare, has made our lives hell and is a pretty poor parent - in our house it is down to us and she is not responsible for how we parent or don't in my DH case.
So after a xmas melt down and me ripping up our marriage certificate - my DH is only going to see hid daughter on Sunday (We usually have her every other weekend) on his own and have a conversation lay down the law so to speak and when we get back to the routine he is going to try to enforce new boundaries and only accept healthy behaviour, showing the rest of his family and our children a lot more consideration.
So thank you all for your insight, comments, advice. I feel like a weight has been lifted - i know it will still be hard but just being on the same page with my DH will help. my Sd is 8 rather late to start disciplining but we will see.
I never thought my DH would respond positively to the harsh comments about him - but it has done him the world of good he even said he is glad he read them and that they spoke so honestly.... maybe worth a go ladies
That is good news, but don't
That is good news, but don't expect too much happening in once.....sometimes it is two steps forward and then , if you are lucky , only one step back....But you have had a conversation that you can refer to if he bounces back into old habits, which almost always happens, especially if SD is unhappy and wants to have her old "Disney Dad" back....Most guys have to fall for it a few times until they realize that feeling sorry for the child and doing all she wants is NOT good parenting.
Stay firm , but patient - it is a great start.
But I hope you are not saying that he will only see SD now on Sundays instead of his usual second weekend..?I think that every second weekend is not too bad at all- we have SD 8 50% off the time...
Hi - No, I did ask him to
Hi - No, I did ask him to have her away from the house for 6 months as part of my melt down, but have calmed down listened to the advice and I am just having a break. It will be back to the normal routine. I know I am fortunate to only have to deal with this every other weekend - reading all the other posts.
I agree with you I need to realise that it will take a while and I know SD will be very resistant she has become a first class actress and has the poor little lamb act finally tuned- which he has been falling for for years.
It is just so nice to have an adult conversation with my DH and an apology!!! the comments were harsh about him being spineless, bad parent, the fact my SD was not getting parented by either her Dad or BM... But it finally got through. Funny how it takes hearing it from strangers when I had been saying it all for years, but at least he is listening.
We used to have SD8 50% of the time - I feel for you... xx
"...hearing it from
"...hearing it from strangers..." Which is why counseling works so well. Keep that as an option.
thats really good news! shame
thats really good news! shame it takes a melt down for him to fix up but better late then never.
I too had a melt down, was on anti depressents etc and then compltly lost it,I thought I was going crazy. I told DH I couldnt cope with all the bull shit that carries on around the skids (skids are fine, YSD was 2 and omg was the devil though). I told him no more, they need to go, you need o be my DH for a few weeks and give me a break from being the servent, enetertainer, nurse etc and I cant deal with BM texting you cnstantly with either insults or about her perosnally (WTF indeed) i think she has a mental issue and just cant let go of him.
we had the break, his mum took the girls for our weekends and he fixed up ALOT. hes not perfect, hell no one is but its alot better now and has been for about 5months now.
My first post on her I got some great advice and was told/realsied that its DH that needs to change and step up to being a husband and a parent and that just because I am here doenst mean I want to play mummy.
wish you all the luck and be patient but youve made the first step xx
It doesn't stop when they are
It doesn't stop when they are 18, it continues. They are just wiser and become more manipulating and then a mini version of the adult skid rears its ugly head as a grand skids which takes on a whole new regime of guilt and manipulation of DH.
The second family is never a family because the man has lost his balls because the first wife has still got her hands hanging and twisting them through the spawn they created together.
That is great news and sounds
That is great news and sounds like you have a supportive husband. He can post here too if he has any questions that he may be wondering.
My husband and I went trough the same thing when I started coming here. I was losing my mind and he was miserable until the others here pointed out what the real issues are, its been a life saver being here. I can tell you that since your husband supports you that he will soon understand that these issues you guys live with is rather common but its the approach you both take that will make or break it.
My husband has learned how to parent and not act on guilt which has taken quite a load off him since being on this site. Look forward to seeing further posts from you both and welcome aboard!!!
Thank you for your comments -
Thank you for your comments - sorry for the delay in my reply been deep in my own thoughts so haven't been on here for a wee while. Well I agree with what you all say, I know it will take a while. And it is crappy it takes a melt down for my DH husband to realise. He is angry with-himself though reading the comments was like an epiphany for him. He is almost shocked at himself and cant understand why he didn't see it.
We had our first meeting with the SD on Sunday - I wasn't going to go but my DH wanted us all to go. It was okay he was hot on her heels and at times I was the one feeling bad, I guess I felt responsible for the zero tolerance. But it does need to be done and it is fair that she is treated with the same disciplines as the other two boys.
It is a shame that she has such a different life with her BM, she turned up looking like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards, her BM over communicated in the morning and kept changing the pick up times - then when we dropped of SD we received the contact book from the BM (If you read my other posts, we have a contact book after going to a solicitor to kerb her contact with us) in the book was written that our SD was going on another holiday she has about 6/8 a year and would be having ten days off school. She has already had seven off due to another holiday and we are only five moths in to the new school year. And in the visit she also spoke of a party at the house over NY where the adults stayed up all night (On drugs - although at this stage she thinks its only alcohol ) and she couldn't sleep as the music was so loud. Then spent NYD in the pub all day with the same people who had been at the party. This is not a one off (it wouldn't be an issue if it was) her BM and stepdad are out every-weekend and our SD speaks all the time about how her mother is hungover in bed all day etc, wasn't even there for her birthday as she was hungover.!!!!
SO the reason I am writing this is that it also dawned on me that from info through our SD about her care and the direct contact that was as usual complicated and annoying with her BM - although my DH is stepping up and it has been written her not to focus on the BM etc - the BM and her partying, chaotic, crap parenting is always going to impact us. After reading all the posts on here i am really concerned how the hell our Sd is going to be as a teenager which is not so far away when she is being raised around adults that have substance abuse problems. So much of our life is out of our hands we just have to deal with the fall out!!! But well done to my DH at least we are on the same page and our SD and us all will benefit from some normality when she is with us.
That's how it was with us.
That's how it was with us. We had no say or control in raising my SD41, so it was like watching a slow-motion train wreck. BM wanted our money, not DH's input. BM blocked our every attempt to connect with SD41 and PAS'd her to the max. All the drama, manipulative behavior, dishonesty and chaos SD41 learned from her BM followed her into adulthood. She wasn't raised the way we would have raised her (our own bios turned out great) and she isn't the kind of person we respect and admire. We tried, but SD41 is her BM's daughter. The only bright side is that SD41 doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids. BM is dead now and SD41 was her only child. That dysfunctional bloodline won't endure into the future. It's sad because she wasn't allowed to be close to us as a child and rejected us when she was an adult (except for when she wants something or on gift-receiving occasions). SD41 is pretty much alone now, no close family-except for new husband and she goes through men like I change my socks. I think she may finally be realizing that she's screwed herself with all her games, but is too messed up in the head to try to make amends and have a respectful, mutually satisfying relationship with her Dad and his family. It's her loss and her mess to fix.
It makes me sad reading that
It makes me sad reading that - I am sorry to hear that this has gone on for so long. I had always thought all the trouble was just till she was old enough for us to be free of her mother and not be so responsible for her.
I would like it if we could find a way to make it better for our SD as well as us and the boys. But there is alway going to be the influence of this nuts, druggie, drunk of a mother and her looser boyfriend....
We are going to try to be a good influence on her and hopefully show her that hers mothers chaotic life is not normal and that there is a better way to live.
So depressing all of this