I feel so frustrated. SS4 got a four wheeler for Christmas...I got a printer everyone needed because SO got it last minute as he was to busy tweaking the four wheeler to make it perfect (he bought it and rebuilt it to save money). Now he is saying he wants to get his son a go-kart for his birthday which is in March. Mind you last birthday he got a gator which dad put headlights in to make it more fancy and now a four wheeler both of which the kid has asked for. He is 4 though and so it irritates me...mind you he also has his own truck...YES I SAID TRUCK. I wanted a old diesel to convert into a semi daily driver as my car is also getting old and I don't like driving SO's truck well SO found me a truck and SS decided he liked it and told his dad was his and so now it is sitting in the pasture for THEM to drive when SS is around and I can't touch it. Mind you I am still wearing a ring that I bought for myself actually I have two rings both of which were bought with my money. I paid for the majority of the other Christmas for SS. SO did say thank you but I still feel jipped.

I also posted on Christmas about hating it as I was the only one in the house without a *living child (Miscarriage that randomly I still have “what if” thoughts on. SO blew this off as me being a selfish bitch for a while as I didn't even want to be around SS4, BIL8 or the other children as it just depressed me. I mean it is something that honestly does not come up that often but when it does it is a bit harder to suppress than other feelings. He finally ended trying to understand though continued to talk about how his son was the best and pretty much still rubbing the fact I didn't understand in my face. I really try not to feel bad but it then makes me think about the fact he said we could bear a child and if we do end up trying will my child not be as important? If I have complications like before will they not be worth the worry? I guess I'm still a bit depressed about it all.

This isn't the only thing as every time we have had alone either I have been asleep on the couch because he ended up painting one of SS4's antique cars I got him for Christmas or he has been busy doing something else. Anytime he lays down with me it turns sexual which I normally don't mind but it's like SS or sex are my only options. I have told him I wanted to watch a movie and same thing. Only time I am semi getting loved on is in our shower together which of course makes him turn sexual or in the bed when he's half asleep he may turn over but even that has not been the case lately. It just makes me feel second class and right now all I want is one date night or something – which I normally get during the week we don't have SS (SO works a 3 week on and off work rotation – we get SS the first and last week he is home). I still haven't gotten that or a mention there of. Then this morning I woke him up trying to be sweet as yesterday he got mad I let him sleep to late...well then BM called offering to let him have SS while she went to the doctor and of course he jumped straight up ignoring my want to wake him up and rushed out the door to be able to make it to SS in time to have him (we live 30 mins away in another county). He did call and say he was sorry if he hurt my feeling but I don't think he understands how bad he hurt them considering now I won't see him until maybe 8 when I get off work and then it will be whatever and this is if he doesn't go hunting.

I will say I am very frustrated but SO did actually spend time with my family some this Christmas too which was nice as normally it is all about his. He also made a special trip to help fix my grandmother's car yesterday while I was at work...so I mean it seems like he at least cares about my family and is not a ass but at the same time I need my time and have hinted and got nothing, I don't like wearing my ring because I feel like it is just a symbol that I make less than a third and and I pay for everything I can. I love my SO and I know he has a good heart and wants to be a good dad even if sometimes a disney dad this is the worst it has ever been. I just want to feel important again.