Dh needs to reinforce over and over that he loves her. If shes hearing that all the time at home. It will take her hearing all the time from Dh that he did and does love her and want her. A child can never hear that they are loved to much. But it doesn't take much from the right person for them to beleive they were not loved enough. One of these days she will see that her Bm is just being mean.

In my situation, I do believe it. My DH "saved" his daughters time and again, every time their abusive mother acted up or they ran away. Both SDs lived with us full time at one point or another, bad mouthed their mother... and now one lives full time with BM and won't get in touch unless she needs something. The other lives on her own, sees her mother regularly and also only gets in touch with us when she needs something.

It is sad, but DH and I are accepting it and moving on. A friend of mine gave me amazing advice. She said to take the "tags" away from the person, be they your mother, father, daughter or son... would you still want to spend time with them based on who they are?

We don't like the girls. We don't miss them. We only hope they are doing what is best for them.

My ex-husband was a product of divorce and he is VERY close with his dad even though - according to him - his mom and grandmother constantly bashed his dad. He said that when he got to be an adult he figured things out on his own and, even as a kid, it made him very uncomfortable when they were talking shit about his dad. He is NOT close with his mother even though she really did do all of the hard work of raising him (he only saw his dad every other weekend and during the summers).

So this should give your DH hope and it should also serve as a cautionary tale to us step moms: try not to bash the BM to your step kids. It won't work and will most likely hurt.

My mother did the same stuff when I was a kid. I agree it makes the kid feel awful. After a while of her diatribe, I learned by myself that my mother was the one with the problem. Mainly because my father never talked bad about my mother in my presence - so I compared their two behaviors and realized who was playing foul.

At that point, everything she said about my Dad went in one ear and out the other and I lost respect for her because of it. Both my parents are long gone now but I think my mother's behavior was the worst and I still have not forgotten it and how hurtful it was - even thought I did forgive her for it.

I think one of the most horrible things she said was that my Dad was a liar about his "war wounds" - he had never been hurt in the line of duty and it was all a bunch of b.s. I never repeated this to him of course.

But when he was dying and I was caring for him, I saw his shrapnel scars with my own eyes. Knowing how my mother tried to denigrate his service and sacrifice to our country made me want to weep.

What demons drove her to spew such venom, I will never know.

His children will decide for themselves what they do and don't like about their parents based on the actions of the parent, not on what one parent says about the other. This may not happen until the kids have grown up, but that doesn't really matter, because they are adults a lot longer than they are children.

Your DH just needs to treat these kids as he would have always treated them had there not been a divorce. If he is just a normal dad to them they will see that. If he over compensates to win them over, they will see that, and they will learn to use and manipulate him. If he gives up because of what he "thinks" might happen, they will see he has given up and they will think BM was right when she said he ignored them, because look, he's doing it now.

He doesn't have to get into it with them, did you change my diapers, did you ignore, me, well tell the truth. If he did those things that's okay, lots of men do. But he just has to tell it nicely, no I didn't, I wasn't able to manage those things then, did you ignore me, probably, but I didn't undertands babies too well then. If BM was making up stories. "Of course I changed your diapers, and your smelly bot, and I would never ignore you". End of story. As I said, the actions are what the child will base their opinions on you. They cannot remember the actions of each parent when they were babies but they can now. If BM is making up stories, they will figure it out for themselves. But they will never hate their BM, so best no one says anything bad about her no matter what, and if you find yourselves in a position of having to defend yourselves stick to what "you" or "dh" did, don't bring BM into it.

If DH continues with this it doesn't matter what I do attitude, he's right, the kids won't think much of him at all when they grow up because he's giving up on them. He will of course blame BM for it, but it will be his own doing. So try and encourage him to just be a normal dad and wait his time.

BM told SD21 the same things when she was young, that DH never changed her diaper, never held her, blah, blah, blah. When in actuality, he did more than BM did, as he is very maternal and nurturing. He took SD everywhere with him but, she was not quite 5 when he and BM split up for the final time so does not remember a lot.

SD said something to DH about it and he told her how it really was. She did remember some things and without calling BM a liar, he was able to point out some inconsistencies.

We also never bad mouthed BM even though she did us constantly. Like it was mentioned above, eventually certain things don't add up and kids can see who is really telling stories. Unfortunately, this can take awhile! And it is very frustrating in the meantime.

All he can do about people like this, is be the best parent he can be and SHOW his kids the truth.

A huge number of scorned women are permanently mentally disabling their own children to 'get back' at their ex. The scorning is often in their own minds as even women who had affairs or who asked for divorces feel that way when to their amazement their ex doesn't spend the rest of their lives pining away for the ex but instead gets on with their lives.

Anyway if her ex (your husband) is feeling that way it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and if here were here I would urge him to fight it tooth and nail including getting a court order against Parental Alienation Syndrome (Google it). Always stay on the high road by not putting down their mother. Always tell the truth to the children. Listen Daddy these kids will eventually figure out who is the evil one here but only if you make your side of the story known.

Spend quality time with your children when they visit - don't just regulate them to the TV but don't become a 'Disneyland Dad' (Google it) either. Quality time for me and my boys meant a monthly camping trip where my concentration was 100% on them. For your kids and situation it may be sports that they participate in, Scouts, whatever it takes to broaden their lives and includes you in the mix.

You may still lose one or all of them. Conversetly they may all see through the ex's manipulations - usually they do and its then when you Daddy must be there for them to turn too and re-connect - always stay in their lives even if its only birthday and holiday cards during the 'dark' years when they don't visit. In the end you will probably reestablish a relationship and indeed some of them may never cut you off.

Anyone dealing with PAS get the DVD Welcome Back, Pluto by Richard Warshak. It is terrific! so well put together. Worth watching it with the PAS'd kids or just the adults by themselves. Tells kids how to deal with alienation without alienating them from the source of info, i.e. without pointing the finger of blame towards the AP too much.

My suggestion is for your dh to have his own dialogue with sd7 about all the cute things she did when she was a baby. It does not have to be in response to bm, but just talks that they have. My daughter around that age was always asking questions about when she was a baby. It is something that really interests them. If he builds in her mind the image he has of when she was a baby, she will instinctively doubt bm when she tries to fill her with lies.

I personally believe and have seen it with my own eyes that a child will make their own mind up.

I am a step parent not a father but my SD's dad demonized me, and for a while she turned on me (she is 5 btw) her mother jumped in and was trying to tell her what she was told was wrong etc.... I stopped my SO from doing this and said let the story play out all I did was show the child what type of person I am and she stopped, she made her own decisions and accepted me for who I am not what she was told about me.

Just show the kids who you are and they will in time make their own mind up, I will add to never speak ill of their mother no matter what she says. Be the bigger person and let your goodness shine through and they will see it.